Never let it be said that the hard-working pickup artists at Return of Kings have run out of TOTALLY ORIGINAL ideas for dudes looking to impress the ladies with their alphatude. Like buying a motherh*cking motorcycle.
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT
In a recent post, RoK contributor and paradigm-shattering thinker Liam O’Connor informs thirsty male readers that a cool-ass motorcycle will enable them to “break the levee of Snatchtown.” No, really, those are his actual words, even if “snatchtown” is not an actual word.
“A biker cultivates an air of mystery,” O’Connor explains. And when you combine your uber-manly chrome stallion — no “cuck-scooter” for you! — with some sexy leathers, you may quickly find yourself becoming the ultimate babe magnet.
Sometimes when upping the level of her attraction for you, all that’s needed is you smoothly riding up to her place, dismounting, taking your helmet off and placing it under your arm, walking up to her slowly, pulling her close with one arm while letting her get a whiff of you, and saying in a low voice “lets go for a ride.” That’s it. Tingle city.
Quick poll!
[socialpoll id=”2442094″]
Also, if you can get a hot babe onto your bike, it’s basically the world’s biggest vibrator. And ladies love vibrators!
Think of the motorcycle as a means of foreplay. Even if she is in no sexual mood, sex will be on her mind after hopping on the back with you taking the helm. Girls love the vibration the bike causes to their clitoris and all the while this is happening, a pavlovian association in her mind is connecting you with her vibrating vagina—essentially making her biology betray her by whispering in her ear and saying, “feels good doesn’t it? You should totally breed with this guy!”
Fellas, if you’re still unsure as to how to get a lady onto your bike in the first place, despite O’Conner’s masterful advice, I suggest you watch the following clip from “Beach Party” in which fictional motorcycling legend Eric Von Zipper demonstrates how he uses his motorcycle to cultivate an aura of mystery and impress the ladies.
Works every time!
@weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
I agree with you about the motorcycles. There used to be a dude down the street, we called him Evel Kneivel. He would come out several times a day, all hours of the day and night, and rev that damn motorcycle. For ten to fifteen minutes. Sometimes he would ride around the block, revving before he left, and after he came back. Grr.
He moved, thankfully. Now we just have to deal with the packs of motorcycles on nice days. At least they only go by once a day or so.
@reimalebario
I’m already sex repulsed. What are you trying to do, try and make it so that I can send out days of sex repulsion to make others sex repulsed?
Bina said
Bingo! I used to like riding on a motorcycle but there were no vibrations to titillate me; I was more into having some hot dude’s buns between my thighs and the ability to “accidentally” bump my boobs into his back a lot. Perhaps the vibrations are better on a Harley? Heck, the sound waves alone must be better than a Kawasaki!
So, Sandra is right; a motorcycle is not a vibrator. But a C130 can be pretty sweet “ride” if you’re sitting in one of the forward jump seats…
@ hambeast
On my only ever go in one of those things the loadmaster said “Sit where you want; but not near those paint markings'”. I obviously enquired why. I was told “That’s where the prop comes through the fuselage if it slips off the shaft”.
“So what you’re telling me is, not only is that a possibility, it happens often enough it’s worth painting special signs on the aircraft?”
@Alan
Well, they were priced to move. Literally.
My cousin lived next door to a guy who belonged to a Harley club. Meetings were held at his house. On the first Saturday of every month, from 7 pm until about 4 am, they would arrive, carouse, and then leave. One at a time. Loudly. Every fifteen minutes. This was back when Harleys had the sputtering carb engines that went “potato, potato, potato”. I think nowadays the engines are smoother and don’t vibrate so much (though Harley still artificially programs the idle lope, because the purists complained). Just another example of decadent western civilization interfering with MGTOW sexual strategy. /s
Anyway, my cousin celebrated wildly on the day that guy finally moved. Unfortunately, the new neighbors turned out to be a slightly deaf elderly couple who owned a pump organ and several hundred hymnals. They were early risers.
Alan – Meh, if it’s the U.S. military; once would be enough. They really hate having to explain accidental deaths to family members. And the best seat on the plane is riiiight in front of the lines. Oh, and not *just* because of the good vibrations; if you’re on a packed space-a flight, the crew sit right by there during take-off and landing, so you get lots of personal space for most of the flight. Which, as you know, is a lot longer than on a jet, so, yeah.
@ buttercup
So long as you prefaced the advert with “Comes with free…” I’d probably buy a crate of criminal recidivist rattlesnakes.
@ hambeast
It’s a tradition in the British Army that you’ll be overtaken by a VC-10 delivering filing cabinets.
Have I done my “Urrrghhh why are Harleys so stupidly LOUD” rant here? I feel like I have, so won’t repeat it, but seriously, urrrrgghhhh. At least here in Israel they’re not very common, but when I’m staying with my fiancé in WA there are a bunch of them around, often at stupid hours. Making that stupid sound, which as Hambeast mentioned they don’t even have to do, they put it in especially.
Because someone somewhere sometime decided it’s Cool&Manly(tm) to sound like you’re riding an old washing machine hooked to a megaphone.
Hate these things. So much.
(With regular loud motorcycles I know some people – at least here – have an issue with how when one roars by, what with the Doppler effect and all, it sounds uncannily like a missile siren, so can trigger PTSD. Been known to happen. Think before you vroom!)
Penny Psmith – I always wondered about whether the noise ‘affected’ the rider in the seat area and if that was why Harleys sound like that because I couldn’t imagine the hearing discomfort of actually being *on* one!
We don’t seem to have too many Harley enthusiasts around here; what we do have is folks who modify (mostly) Honda cars to sound like giant angry hornets for some reason. They’re a real treat when they pass you on the road and, again, I can’t fathom wanting to be trapped inside one of them. The noise must be deafening.
@Hambeast
Ah, glad you asked.
You see, when you put a fart can on your Honda Civic hot hatch, you can then brag to all your fellow droogs about how you customized your JDM Honda to make it more suitable for street racing and getting those sick 0-60 times on the straightaways.
It earns you sick cred with all the other import tuner peeps.
Source: I used to hang out with the Japanese Domestic Market import tuning scene for a while until my real life issues got in the way.
Unrelated: Hey, if anybody needs their daily reason to punch something, here it is (TW: It’s a rape-themed cocktail, for fuck’s fucking fuck).
@SFHC
@Bina – I’m not surprised she was having… err… problems (yes problems, that word will do) with that bike: the saddle is way too high. Cycle any distance like that, and it would stop being fun in a hurry 🙂
@Alan R – that video reminded me of someone I worked with many years ago. He had mediterranean good looks and obviously knew it, so was an annoying pain in the ass. He purchased a large motorbike, and took a crowd of sycophants down to the carpark to impress them with it. He started it up, revved the engine, and let out the clutch. The bike LEAPT forwards… right up to the point the chain between the rear wheel and fence post went tight. Oh how we laughed.
@reimalebario:
No, it sure can’t. I keep seeing his unfortunate gait from the Alt-Right Dogs trailer and thinking how difficult it would make getting a bike between those legs. Never mind keeping his balance long enough to vrrrrroooooom off to loveland like Prince and Apollonia.
Also, I seem to have gone asexual just now in this effort. And my legs are double- and triple-twisting around each other in revulsion. Ugh. I hope that’s not permanent; it would make MY gait awfully awkward, too.
@IBH:
Glad I’m not the only one who realized that. I’d have trouble with my lower back in no time, having to waggle so much from side to side while pedaling. And my clit and labia wouldn’t be so happy with all the friction, either. (Frankly, racing handlebars scare me, too. I prefer upright ones.)
Still, it IS amusing that an actual “douchey dude cucked by a bike” video exists.
#ImWithWWTH here. Motorcycles fucking suck. Go ride them in your own damn bedrooms and stop bothering the rest of us.
Even aside for the rape joke cocktail, what’s with this shit? This backlash against the healthy food trend with the most heart attack inducing dish you can think of trend passed several years ago and is another attempt to be edgy. It also sounds really gross and I’m not a dainty or healthy eater by any means. I’m already looking forward to spaetzle and cheese casserole on Wed and finally breaking my vegetarian diet and getting something with fish in it on Thu when I have my birthday dinners. Birthday is actually today but Mon birthdays are no fun so I’m not doing anything tonight.
I’m also PMSing (hi, Miggs!) hence the food obsession digression. Sorry!
@WWTH
Happy birthday!
Well, that drink is being taken off the menu, so.
Although I would really like to know what possessed them to consider this in the first place. Morons.
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY BIRTHDAY, WWTH!!!
Happy Birthday!
O’Connor probably wouldn’t appreciate the black motorcycle club which meets regularly at the library where I work. We do, however, since they do charity work for children’s literacy.
Re loud Harleys, Mr. Ginormica, who owned assorted motorcycles in his youth, tells me that they don’t come that way from the factory. Harley owners tend to modify them to be much noisier.
Thanks all!
Please have a kitten
Francesca – It’s actually called a fart can? That’s hilarious! And they actually increase the power? Cause they sure don’t sound it.
Whatever happened to the deep, throaty purr of a bored-out V-8 with dual glass packs?
eta – Enjoy your fishy birthday, wwth!
@WWTH
@ hambeast
My guess would be the 1973 Arab-Israel war and the subsequent hike in oil prices.
(You’d still have a heart attack at UK fuel prices though)