Never let it be said that the hard-working pickup artists at Return of Kings have run out of TOTALLY ORIGINAL ideas for dudes looking to impress the ladies with their alphatude. Like buying a motherh*cking motorcycle.
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT
In a recent post, RoK contributor and paradigm-shatteringĀ thinker Liam O’Connor informs thirsty male readers that a cool-ass motorcycle will enable them to “break the levee of Snatchtown.” No, really, those are his actual words, even if “snatchtown” is not an actual word.
“A biker cultivates an air of mystery,” O’Connor explains. And when you combine your uber-manly chrome stallionĀ — no “cuck-scooter” for you! — with some sexy leathers, you may quickly find yourself becoming the ultimate babe magnet.
Sometimes when upping the level of her attraction for you, all thatās needed is you smoothly riding up to her place, dismounting, taking your helmet off and placing it under your arm, walking up to her slowly, pulling her close with one arm while letting her get a whiff of you, and saying in a low voice ālets go for a ride.ā Thatās it. Tingle city.
Quick poll!
[socialpoll id=”2442094″]
Also, if you can get a hot babe onto your bike, it’s basically the world’s biggest vibrator. And ladies love vibrators!
Think of the motorcycle as a means of foreplay. Even if she is in no sexual mood, sexĀ willĀ be on her mind after hopping on the back with you taking the helm.Ā Girls love the vibration the bike causes to their clitoris and all the while this is happening, a pavlovian association in her mind is connecting you with her vibrating vaginaāessentially making her biology betray her by whispering in her ear and saying, āfeels good doesnāt it? You should totally breed with this guy!ā
Fellas, if you’re still unsure as to how to get a lady onto your bike in the first place, despite O’Conner’s masterful advice, I suggest you watch the followingĀ clip from “Beach Party” in which fictional motorcycling legend Eric Von Zipper demonstrates how he uses his motorcycle to cultivate an aura of mystery and impress the ladies.
Works every time!
@Alan:
Or just a regular bike, come to that:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41eutWXaX0w
(This is a French dub; the original is in German but I couldn’t find it. BTW, the young guy’s shirt says “Sperm has Vitamin C in it.”)
Oof. Reading Tosca’s post about helmets and leathers is making me cringe at the memory of hopping on the back of bikes with no protective gear whatsoever. Hey, I’ll go riding in a little sundress and no shoes, what could possibly go wrong! I don’t know why I’m still here. I was too stupid to live, really.
LindsayIrene, you’re not alone. Waaaaaaay too many people forget that if a motorbike spills, you’re skidding along the road on your arse at highway speed. I’ve heard of people with such severe road rash, that they’ve needed the same sort of treatment as full-thickness burns. And don’t even get me started on not wearing helmets.
Glad you survived!
@LindsayIrene
I’ve some quite large scars on my leg from doing that on a bicycle; If it’d been a motorcycle I wiped out on Idoubt I’d still have the use of it.
@PeeVee
Thanks! No, I knew not all people who ride motorcycles are Nazi imbeciles.
I was just illustrating how the people in my immediate area who ride motorcycles are something less than the intoxicatingly charismatic sex-gods the guy in the OP thinks they are.
Hope nobody thinks I’m making blanket statements about ALL motorcyclists – just the groups we have around here who like scaring and harassing ordinary citizens and showing off all their Nazi swag.
@Ten Bears
Cucks? Really?
Don’t do that.
It would be nice if you could have a quick read of the comments policy. Thanks!
@AliBoBali:
It’s my understanding that you have to get elected into those sorts of jobs.
Imagine Matt Forney. Picture him in your mind’s eye.
Now, try to think of sex at the same time.
It can’t be done.
Now imagine him on a motorbike and try to think of sex … it still can’t be done, can it?
@reimalebario
It can be done; you just have to dissociate any emotional meaning between the two ideas like two gifs on a forum post that are based on shows you never heard of. And no I ain’t gonna make a photoshop image of that. There are lines that I refuse to cross.
I’ve been riding since I was 16- still bugs me that the motorcycle industry
decided to treat half their potential customer base as accessories.
I am a woman and I have sort of tried this.
When I was a teenager, I had a moped. I went to the grocery store, and outside there where some really good looking boys from my class. I wanted to impress them with my sexy hotness, so I gave full gas and jumped with the moped from an egde of the parking lot – at full speed. I flew maybe 3-4 metres and did not die (somehow). The boys where very impressed by the stunt, but to my disappointment they completely failed to see this as the sure sign of hot, sexy womanhood that it was… š
I agree – PUAs should get motorcycles and a donor card.
@ EJ
For a certain value of ‘elected’.
Her biology “betrays” her.
Betrays?
He’s just upfront saying he’s an awful lay and she will be disappointed if she sleeps with him.
Motorcycles are nostalgic for me, not sexy. My dad would sit me in his lap on his and take me for short little rides when I was wee-tiny.
People did things like that then. We also rode in the backs of trucks down gravel roads all summer and shot at cans for fun.
He let me ride his motorcycle around a little when I was as young as 14. It was way too much bike for me. I must have looked ridiculous. I’d start it automatically, then once it was going, kick up the kickstand. Once I was done I had to holler at my dad to come help me get off of it because if I tried to put the kickstand down, I’d fall over.
He let us do so many things that I would never let my kids do.
…but it was fun.
OK, I feel like telling me a story about how the whole sweeping someone off her feet and onto your bike can work…
I was setting up a first date with a friend of a friend. The day we’d agreed on was 15 March, which in San Francisco is the Brides of March, when people wander around the city in wedding dresses making nuisances of ourselves. I invited him along, but alas, he said, his wedding dress was at the dry cleaners. We eventually agreed on a plan and meeting place. At some point during the brides’ march he swooped up to the crowd on his antique BMW motorbike and handed me a pudding-bowl helmet; I strapped it on, clambered onto the back of the bike in my wedding dress, and off we went.
We later joined the rest of the crowd again, at a party at Trader Vic’s. Someone asked me, ‘um, do you know this guy?’ and without missing a beat he explained, ‘my mother always told me that someday I would find the woman that this helmet fit, and she would be my wife….’
@KL
Punching down? I suppose that in the sense you’re using that expression this blog has always been punching down. This is by design. To keep the garbage down in the sewers where it belongs.
Speaking of motorcycles, I have a rather fond memory of one.
I was 16 and riding my bicycle back home from an arcade one town over from where I lived. I was riding on the sidewalk. Anyways, I stopped at a light crossing, as did a motorcyclist in the road. I looked over and hollered “Nice bike!” and he looked at me, grinned and said, “You too!”
Rather OT but it came to mind. And a much more pleasant thought than what the OP would come up with.
KL: PUAHate have always spent much more energy hating women than hating other men.
This site is about exposing misogyny, in its many forms. Some are more lighthearted than others, but mocking is the main focus.
Is a pudding bowl the same as a skull bucket?
I love how PUAs put so much stock in outlandish talismans like motorcycles, Pokemon lures, and seven different kinds of phone charger. So much of their advice is “obtain X, then Y will happen, exactly as foretold here.” They’d buy eighty crates of tarantula-infested Alf dolls if someone told them it would up their odds of getting laid.
Apparently, dropping $1500 on a bike, licensing, accessories, and insurance is far less of a stretch than learning how to have a conversation with a woman.
(And yet, women are the ones who are materialistic, weak-minded, and easily swayed by advertisers.)
@Feral Crone
One day, I spent my lunch break outside at a plaza down the street. There was a group of middle school kids on a school field trip – maybe 13, 14 years old – also eating lunch at the plaza. A dude on a loud Harley went blatting by. Every single boy’s head turned in unison to follow it down the street. The girls just went on chatting and eating their sandwiches.
@Lea I suspect functionally yes, though if I understand correctly ‘skull buckets’ are worn by Harley riders and ‘outlaw’ bikers while pudding bowl helmets (and RAF goggles) are worn by those of us whose bikes are a generation older than we are (mine has some padding in it and is, I think, DOT legal).
@ buttercup
That’s a wonderful, but curiously specific, example.
Is this why your eBay ‘seller’s feedback rating’ has taken a bit of a hit?
I grew up in a family of doctors and I’ve seen my fair share of
donorcyclemotorcycle fatalities, so the only thing they make me think is “Face-removing belt sanders.” Which is not a particularly sexy mental image.A paramedic friend once regaled us with that day’s callouts which included dealing with “a 90 mph gravel enema”.
I come from a family of avid motocrossers. Even with full protective gear, it was not uncommon for someone to suffer an injury every other outing. And that’s in a “controlled environment”, so I can only imagine how dangerous driving down a crowded street must be!