Never let it be said that the hard-working pickup artists at Return of Kings have run out of TOTALLY ORIGINAL ideas for dudes looking to impress the ladies with their alphatude. Like buying a motherh*cking motorcycle.
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT
In a recent post, RoK contributor and paradigm-shattering thinker Liam O’Connor informs thirsty male readers that a cool-ass motorcycle will enable them to “break the levee of Snatchtown.” No, really, those are his actual words, even if “snatchtown” is not an actual word.
“A biker cultivates an air of mystery,” O’Connor explains. And when you combine your uber-manly chrome stallion — no “cuck-scooter” for you! — with some sexy leathers, you may quickly find yourself becoming the ultimate babe magnet.
Sometimes when upping the level of her attraction for you, all that’s needed is you smoothly riding up to her place, dismounting, taking your helmet off and placing it under your arm, walking up to her slowly, pulling her close with one arm while letting her get a whiff of you, and saying in a low voice “lets go for a ride.” That’s it. Tingle city.
Quick poll!
[socialpoll id=”2442094″]
Also, if you can get a hot babe onto your bike, it’s basically the world’s biggest vibrator. And ladies love vibrators!
Think of the motorcycle as a means of foreplay. Even if she is in no sexual mood, sex will be on her mind after hopping on the back with you taking the helm. Girls love the vibration the bike causes to their clitoris and all the while this is happening, a pavlovian association in her mind is connecting you with her vibrating vagina—essentially making her biology betray her by whispering in her ear and saying, “feels good doesn’t it? You should totally breed with this guy!”
Fellas, if you’re still unsure as to how to get a lady onto your bike in the first place, despite O’Conner’s masterful advice, I suggest you watch the following clip from “Beach Party” in which fictional motorcycling legend Eric Von Zipper demonstrates how he uses his motorcycle to cultivate an aura of mystery and impress the ladies.
Works every time!
You know this ‘advice’ is literally the same as espoused by, less than successful sex guru, Jay from Inbetweeners; and that didn’t end well either …
This woman’s biology is not only more personified then my own but also kind of a creepy weirdo.
KL
Since when does making fun of creep;y misogynists count as “punching down” and in what world would a ROK article not qualify as “New misogyny?”
I love it when reactionaries try to appropriate social justice lingo without having any idea what the terms actually mean.
You’re not using “punching down” correctly. Do try to explain how David is punching down with this post though. It would be highly entertaining.
Also, this blog has mocked PUA for years. PUA is very misogynistic and rapey. The advice mocked here is more ridiculous than pro-rape but it’s still about trying to trick women into having sex and it still uses misogynistic and objectifying language. So it still counts as worthy of mocking misogyny.
I don’t know if being a motorcycle guy will make me look manly enough. Maybe being a construction worker would do it… Or a cop… a cowboy or a soldier… Maybe even a Native American chief? That’d be pretty macho, I think… Maybe there’s some way to get all of these images together? I mean, just spitballing here…
Dancing! The dancing pulls it all together!
Hey! Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey LindsayIrene, that’s just what I was looking for.
Lol, you two. Perfect!
Oddly enough, I have never felt sexually aroused while riding a motorcycle. My thought was always “this is fun, I hope we don’t wipe out.”
Oh goody, KL is here again. Surely his scintillating conversation will be a real eye-roller…er…eye-opener.
wwth skrev:
“Violation Public Health Law 334… procuring an orgasm by the use of fraud….”
— William S. Burroughs, Naked Lunch
Can they not imagine just like, doing a thing because they enjoy doing that thing?
Even sex seems like something they don’t so much enjoy doing as feel they need to trick someone into “giving” them in order to feel validated.
Can they not just have interests, hobbies, lovers or even vehicles just because it makes them happy?
Do they even have personalities outside of all the posturing and posing they do?
You know, its worse than that. They don’t even think women will like them if they get a motorcycle. They think they’ll somehow trick women into fucking them because the motorcycle will condition women to associate them with pleasure. It isn’t even, “Buy a motorcycle. You’ll look like hot stuff on one and ladies like to ride them.” or “If you ride a motorcycle, people might actually like you, because motorcycles are fun.” It’s, “Trick her into associating you with pleasure with a motorcycle”.
Actually being desirable doesn’t even factor into their own fantasies.
That’s just depressing.
Women can ride motorcycles too, ya know.
@Victoria
…Just lemme have my motortrike and I’ll follow along. Act natural.
The only people I know who are attracted by a motorcycle are male. Especially young males.
So this might work for attracting other males.
Women, not so much.
Have to admit, PUAs become bigger parodies of themselves every day. They outdo even pop-culture parodies of themselves, like this one from Bob’s Burgers:
https://youtu.be/6ezbYl3rzOI
https://youtu.be/ALc_fNQ41jY
EDIT: I dunno what I’m doing wrong with embedding maybe this will work?
NEW EDIT: Nope, sorry. Just click through the links – it’s gold!
I don’t ride myself, but large numbers in my family do.
Bikes are fun…for the rider. For the passenger they’re cramped, boring and cold. If they’re vibrating enough to cause sexy thrills, the engine is misfiring badly and needs immediate attention.
Those sexy leathers? These days they’re covered in weirdly shaped padding and hard plastic, because they’re designed to protect you when you wipe out, not look good. They include a heavily thickened area on the seat which looks and feels like a nappy. They’re too stiff and tight to allow free movement. Oh, and they can’t be washed, so they get mighty funky mighty fast.
Dramatically (and sexily) sweeping off the helmet? Happens in the movies because it’s a costume in the movies. In real life, good helmets are so tight that they need both hands to remove and you will have impressions on your face and worse helmet hair than you can imagine. They also get mighty funky.
So there you are, MRA. Get off your farting, smoking bike. Pry your helmet off to reveal your sweaty face and plastered-down hair. Waddle awkwardly up to the lady concerned (but not close enough for her to catch your stank) and make your pitch. I wish you luck.
@Lea
Yes. It’s rape mentality.
Don’t believe this Liam person, MRAGTPUATOWS! Women want a guy with a motorcycle for one reason. They figure he’ll end up becoming roadkill sooner or later, and they’ll inherit all his stuff, which they convinced him with their evil women powers to leave to them in his will. If he’s really unlucky that stuff he left her will be shared with a beta, or Chad, or a baby!
This reads like the plot to a black & white porno from the 1950s, though I don’t believe that media subgenre exists. (Why is “subgenre” autocorrecting? That’s a legit word.)
“Chrome Stallion” starring James Dean and Jenna Jamison…
I can’t think of the musical soundtrack to that production, though. The classic ? bowchickawowwow ? didn’t happen until the 70s.
Autocorrecting from “subgenre” to the obscure “subgenera”… Who’s in charge of setting up these bad choices of autocorrect and how could I get a job where I can be paid to make bad choices? That seems like a great job to have… to me…
Did some cable network air “Easy Rider” recently?
@KL
And you of course were totally down with those topics.
(The emphasis is mine.)
KL to Microsoft and Apple:
Hey, Microsoft, you’re poaching from Apple!
Uber and Lyft:
Uber, you’re trespassing on Lyft territory!
eBay and Etsy
eBay, leave the field to Etsy!
Coke and Pepsi
Coke, can’t you see that the soft-drink provenance belongs to Pepsi?
It’s clear to me that KL — who I guess is out plying his PUA wares, too busy to respond to Mammotheers — doesn’t believe in the free market.
He wants a centralized economy.
KL, just ‘fess up: you’re a communist.
Virginia Gym Cancels Richard Spencer’s Membership After Woman Confronts Him for Being a Neo-Nazi
Lauren Evans
OT: This woman kicks ass!
Virginia Gym Cancels Richard Spencer’s Membership After Woman Confronts Him for Being a Neo-Nazi
http://theslot.jezebel.com/virginia-gym-cancels-richard-spencers-membership-after-1795412541
Oops! Sorry for the double-posting.
Uh, this only works if you’re attracted enough to the guy to take your chances getting on a bike with him. Otherwise, bike or no bike, he’s shit outta luck. And if he’s a shuffling yutz, it doesn’t matter how smooth his helmet-palming moves are. She’s gonna take one look at his unimpressive gait and just laugh.
(Also, “breed” is an instant buzzkill. My biology knows better than to even TRY that shit on me.)
Do…do these guys honestly think they can measure up to The Fonz:
http://www.fedrotriple.it/agg_apr2005/ATTfonzie.jpg
No-one measures up to the Fonz.