Never let it be said that the hard-working pickup artists at Return of Kings have run out of TOTALLY ORIGINAL ideas for dudes looking to impress the ladies with their alphatude. Like buying a motherh*cking motorcycle.
DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT
In a recent post, RoK contributor and paradigm-shattering thinker Liam O’Connor informs thirsty male readers that a cool-ass motorcycle will enable them to “break the levee of Snatchtown.” No, really, those are his actual words, even if “snatchtown” is not an actual word.
“A biker cultivates an air of mystery,” O’Connor explains. And when you combine your uber-manly chrome stallion — no “cuck-scooter” for you! — with some sexy leathers, you may quickly find yourself becoming the ultimate babe magnet.
Sometimes when upping the level of her attraction for you, all that’s needed is you smoothly riding up to her place, dismounting, taking your helmet off and placing it under your arm, walking up to her slowly, pulling her close with one arm while letting her get a whiff of you, and saying in a low voice “lets go for a ride.” That’s it. Tingle city.
Quick poll!
[socialpoll id=”2442094″]
Also, if you can get a hot babe onto your bike, it’s basically the world’s biggest vibrator. And ladies love vibrators!
Think of the motorcycle as a means of foreplay. Even if she is in no sexual mood, sex will be on her mind after hopping on the back with you taking the helm. Girls love the vibration the bike causes to their clitoris and all the while this is happening, a pavlovian association in her mind is connecting you with her vibrating vagina—essentially making her biology betray her by whispering in her ear and saying, “feels good doesn’t it? You should totally breed with this guy!”
Fellas, if you’re still unsure as to how to get a lady onto your bike in the first place, despite O’Conner’s masterful advice, I suggest you watch the following clip from “Beach Party” in which fictional motorcycling legend Eric Von Zipper demonstrates how he uses his motorcycle to cultivate an aura of mystery and impress the ladies.
Works every time!
To be fair, motorcycles are attractive to the pansexual person that I am. Js.
Also from the article:
http://assets.fightland.com/content-images/contentimage/55540/bear650.jpg
Manly.
Applying multipliers to zero still results in zero.
Gonna get you hurt if you touch me without asking and me saying yes. Always. Forever.
RED ALERT. CREEP ALARM. ENGAGE ALL COUNTERMEASURE AND EVASION PROTOCOLS.
That shit reminds me of the bullshit reasons old timey folks tried to prevent women from doing things. Motorcycles are not vibrators. Vibrators are vibrators. People only lied and pretended all kinds of things were vibrators because they were trying to prevent women from stepping outside of the proscribed gender role. Because people with vaginas taking care of business is bad, right?
Also, holy shit can we NOT describe looking for dates or sex the same way we describe hunting down passive, harmless sea creatures and destroying them for some cheap oil? Pretty sure I am not a whale – Beluga, blue, humpback, whatever. Might be an orca, though.
eww
no.
As someone who used to straight up chase 1%ers, I’m saying no, this will not work for the eejits. The only thing that will help them is full personality transplants.
I actually associate motorcycles with irritatingly loud noise rather than sex. Maybe I’m just a buzzkill, but nothing ruins of the joy of having weather warm enough to have the heat off and cool enough to not need AC so you can have the windows open and then someone speeds through your neighborhood on a motorcycle, the engine so loud it drowns out the TV or music and scares the cats.
What?
Get off my lawn!
Guys, it doesn’t matter what kind of vehicle you have, your repellent personality emanates from you like dirt did from Pigpen.
I am now imagining those guys from the sad ‘Alt-Right Dogs’ video trying to impress the ladies with cheap fake leather moto jackets (probably with the tags still on them).
If I had more ambition, I’d design the rocker patches to go on the backs of their jackets (because none of them could ever rock a black leather vest). The top rocker would say “Sad Boners” and the bottom would say “MAGA”.
Please don’t harpoon my… poon. Or any part of me.
But I thought women had zero interest in sex.
This guy risks being ‘cucked’ by a motorbike.
@weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
Fuck motorcycles!!! The most annoying vehicles on the face of the Earth
Round here in my neck of the woods, most motorcyclists are greasy white dudes with arm fat, fat upper pubic areas, scraggly beards, and Nazi crap all over their gaudy iron monsters and themselves – stahlhelm type helmets, Reichsadlers, Iron Crosses in black and white, double thunder bolts, and so on.
They don’t exactly make my ladybits tingle. I imagine fucking them must be like fucking a sea lion with Nazi regalia pinned all over itself.
Maybe from behind? Would the fuckers even be capable of getting it up? Do they even go for black women?
I’m gonna guess a no on all of the above.
Eta:
Not fatshaming. You can be as fat as you want, it’s the Nazi crap I object to.
The motorcycle club I used to party with had both white and latino guys, with no nazi crap, so YMMV. They were still a bunch of criminals, though.
Criminal =/= bad person. Nazi = bad person.
I don’t think I know any bikers. The guys I know who wear those sorts of things are white and laughably not hardcore. I’m totally ambivalent on them, aside from they should stop pretending to be things they aren’t.
I tend to avoid bars and public spaces though, so…I almost certainly don’t know everybody around here.
Motorcycles are only as cool as the people who ride them.
First this blog focused on the “New Misogyny,” then on the rise of Trump and Trumpism. But now you are just belittling banal pick-up advice. That seems like the mandate of PUAHate. I think you are just punching down here.
@ LindsayIrene: Ooh. I’d take a smaller version of that as a throwdown* sticker for assholes with Trump bumper stickers on their cars.
* “Throwdown” in this context means you see their car in a parking lot somewhere and slap the sticker on it.
@KL
But… PUAs are the new misogyny… Like, where the fuck have you been?
The mandate of PUAhate is (was?) sad boners and toxic entitlement. The game bashing was a side effect
What, is everyone at ROK also ‘socially crippled’ autistics or is that just r/incel?
I know a fair number of “biker” men and women, and they all fall pretty solidly into the working-class middle-aged white people who like a drink and the trappings of “dangerous” types.
But they’re all pretty, y’know, middle-aged and slightly ridiculous.
When I tended bar in our one-horse burg, they’d make runs and stop for a drink in each town throughput the day. Very polite for the most part. Decent tippers.
It’s kind of in the same vein as people who own fast sports cars here – tends to be more of an old-guy or -gal kind of thing. They’re the ones that usually have the funds for it, I suppose.
then why bring up how fat they are?
@KL
Certainly in terms of their character we’re punching down. We have character. They don’t.
That said, ROK’s founder, Roosh V, has written many books in his Bang series, and all of them are rape manuals. So in that very important sense we’re not punching down. We’re defending ourselves.
As a lifelong Outside who is neither fat nor an outlaw let me assure you that were one of these … well, cucks to roll up to the clubhouse on some showboat motorcycle dressed like they were on their way to a gay bar … well, do the math.
It has been said that Ladies love Outlaws like babies love stray dogs, that Ladies touch babies like a banker touches gold, Outlaws touch Ladies somewhere deep down in their souls, but that’s an old cowboy song and doesn’t apply to denturists and optometrists in gogo boots.
So PUAs, you’re ready to be fathers? Raise children? Earn enough money to support them?
Oh, you’ll leave that to her?
What a catch!
KL, what kind of motorcycle did you buy?
Francesca:
http://blackmotorcycleclubs.us/