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Return of Kings: “Do not doubt the poon-harpooning power of the humble motorcycle”

Eric Von Zipper: Motorcycle enthusiast, babe magnet

Never let it be said that the hard-working pickup artists at Return of Kings have run out of TOTALLY ORIGINAL ideas for dudes looking to impress the ladies with their alphatude. Like buying a motherh*cking motorcycle.

DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT

In a recent post, RoK contributor and paradigm-shattering thinker Liam O’Connor informs thirsty male readers that a cool-ass motorcycle will enable them to “break the levee of Snatchtown.” No, really, those are his actual words, even if “snatchtown” is not an actual word.

“A biker cultivates an air of mystery,” O’Connor explains. And when you combine your uber-manly chrome stallion — no “cuck-scooter” for you! — with some sexy leathers, you may quickly find yourself becoming the ultimate babe magnet.

Sometimes when upping the level of her attraction for you, all that’s needed is you smoothly riding up to her place, dismounting, taking your helmet off and placing it under your arm, walking up to her slowly, pulling her close with one arm while letting her get a whiff of you, and saying in a low voice “lets go for a ride.” That’s it. Tingle city.

Quick poll!

Also, if you can get a hot babe onto your bike, it’s basically the world’s biggest vibrator. And ladies love vibrators!

Think of the motorcycle as a means of foreplay. Even if she is in no sexual mood, sex will be on her mind after hopping on the back with you taking the helm. Girls love the vibration the bike causes to their clitoris and all the while this is happening, a pavlovian association in her mind is connecting you with her vibrating vagina—essentially making her biology betray her by whispering in her ear and saying, “feels good doesn’t it? You should totally breed with this guy!”

Fellas, if you’re still unsure as to how to get a lady onto your bike in the first place, despite O’Conner’s masterful advice, I suggest you watch the following clip from “Beach Party” in which fictional motorcycling legend Eric Von Zipper demonstrates how he uses his motorcycle to cultivate an aura of mystery and impress the ladies.

Works every time!

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Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@Hambeast

The famous fart cans don’t really do anything, and things like that are why Import Tuner Kids are considered somewhat of a joke in the autosports community, sadly.

Mind you, not all of us are like that. If you gave me a Nissan Skyline GT-R BNR32, I would do something with it that does not involve fart-cans.

@WWTH, Queen of the North

Happy birthday! Now let’s all sing THE BEAR AND THE MAIDEN FAIR

A BEAR THERE WAS! A BEAR! A BEEEEEEEEEEAR!!!!

Brony, Social Justice Cenobite

@weirwoodtreehugger
Happy birthday!

PaganReader - Misandrist Spinster

@Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Your cousin had a whole group of them? I thought one asshole with a motorcycle was bad.

WWTH:
Happy Birthday!
comment image
http://i.123g.us/c/birth_happybirthday/card/301120.jpg

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
3 years ago
Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
3 years ago

Alan – I spent two years at Aviano AB in Italy, so I know what the fuel prices were like in 1980. Same price for a litre as we paid for a US gallon, and we got our fuel subsidized! Plus, the exchange rate was very favorable at that time, and driving was still a spendy proposition even though cars could be had for not much money.

I live in an affluent* area that has a big classic car rally every year (coming up soon, now that I think about it) so I can go listen to pretty cars with big engines and dream of what used to be…

Francesca – I always suspected those noise-makers weren’t doing anything performance-wise. Thanks for confirming.

What would you do with a ’91 Nissan pickup?

*We’re affluent-adjacent, having bought a house in the wannabe town just north of affluent-ville. Never thought to check that sort of thing as first-time home buyers. :/ I grew up lower middle class and these folks frequently baffle me.

Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
3 years ago

@Hambeast

You might think I’d be disappointed it isn’t a hot little sportscar, but the JDM people actually really like those trucks and I would be happy for the rest of my life if I could have one, because they’re something of a collector’s item now.

Unfortunately, my truck-fu is a bit low, but I’d probably consult some guides as to how best to modify it. I know I personally would put some truck bed bars in it, drop a cold air intake, new, stronger shocks so I could reasonably go off-road with it (not too much though because it’s a collector’s item), new headers, sway bars, and that’s all I can think of. There’s likely much more that can be done that I don’t know of yet.

Dalillama: Irate Social Engineer

Happy Birthday WWTH!

EJ (the Scheming Liberal Race-Traitor)

Happy weirwoodmas!

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Thanks again for the happy birthdays!

I love those weirwood tree cakes and wish I had the cash to get one done for me.

For some OT GoT misandry, look at the picture from the new season that just came out today

http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/stg.ign.com/2017/05/000256576.jpg

On classic cars, I don’t have much of an opinion on them in of themselves. I have always notice that when I’ve done election canvassing stuff, people who own them were overwhelmingly Republican. I guess it ties into the nostalgia for the golden days of total white male supremacy.

Glenn
3 years ago

@Weirwood

Happy birthday!

Bina
3 years ago

@WWTH:

Happy Birthday Kitty says Happy Birthday!

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JS
JS
3 years ago

I gave up on Game of Thrones after the 3 book long teaser with dragon eggs and rumors of some sort of wight-like monster maybe, followed by “Oh look, we have small serpentlike dragons”. I mean come on, 3 books worth of “subtly imply there’s monsters and dragons in this” got way too annoying.

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
3 years ago

Belated Happy Birthday to WWTH!

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

Is there a birthday around here?

Have a happy one, WWTH!

dslucia
dslucia
3 years ago

@JS:

For what it’s worth, you gave up basically right as the dragons and wights started being a slightly more active part of the world. Though book five has more of it, since 4 has the half of the cast that 5 doesn’t really focus on.

AsAboveSoBelow, Male Gaze Harvester
AsAboveSoBelow, Male Gaze Harvester
3 years ago

@The Real Cie:

Oddly enough, I have never felt sexually aroused while riding a motorcycle. My thought was always “this is fun, I hope we don’t wipe out.”

QFT. When I ride on the back of my husband’s bike, the only part of me that gets noticeably vibrated is my lower back, where the backrest presses against it.

Dollars to donuts this clown has never driven a motorcycle in his life.

The Bacongineer (Democratic Socialist, Death to Monarchy and fellow Car Guy)
The Bacongineer (Democratic Socialist, Death to Monarchy and fellow Car Guy)
3 years ago

There is no way in hell I’m going on a bike

I’ll stick to cars thank you

AsAboveSoBelow, Male Gaze Harvester
AsAboveSoBelow, Male Gaze Harvester
3 years ago

Hope you had a happy name day, WWTH.
http://2happybirthday.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/jon-snow-game-of-thrones-birthday-funny.jpg

Also, I’d like to thank BGHilton and LindsayIrene for bringing up the Village People, because now I can share the funniest damn thing I ever saw on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
3 years ago

PUAs come off as the kind of types who’d buy a Harley Davidson portable noisebox, if there was such thing available, because it’s cheaper than a whole bike and you don’t have to actually drive it.

occasional reader
occasional reader
3 years ago

Happy birthday to Threehugger.

Hmm, motorbike and women ? We have got a now ex-President caught going to see his affair on a scooter… So, i suppose the advice does not apply to everybody…

Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
Hambeast, disorderly she-tornado and breaker of windows
3 years ago

Francesca – I’ve never actually seen a souped up Nissan pickup. I’m guessing we don’t have an actual faction of JDM people here.

The people that are always trying to buy my truck (I’m constantly getting notes stuck on it and sometimes even knocks on my door!) are gardeners and handy-persons who like a small pickup for work. Can’t blame them; at 26 years old, it’s only now beginning to show signs of needing transmission work. I have no plans to sell anytime soon, though; I’ll get a new transmission (or whatever) and keep pluggin’ along!

I think I may just sell the ’65 Mustang, though. Husbeast wants a 1970s era Toyota mini van.

Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
Kat, ambassador of the feminist government in exile
3 years ago

Shaenon, Bessie Stringfield was quite the adventurer.

Thanks for the link!