Creeper lurking in truck waiting for woman to leave work wonders why women think he’s creepy

@Brony

Nah. If anything, I wrecked the vibe by briefly falling prey to the cisnormative gatekeeping language for a second there and inadvertently sounding like the people who dictate who is a real girl and who isn’t.

I’ve become everything I’ve ever hated. [runs away crying]

@Fran

I like to imagine that in this hypothetical we’re entertaining, we would both be in some sort of fashion or modeling agency and we would both know each other, and perhaps people would feature us togethr in stuff.

I prefer lingerie modelling, personally.

I also thought for some reason you were not allowed to be attracted to girls if you were a girl, which highlights how messed up and immature I was.

And trans gals get an extra dose of bullshit if we are, too.

As you can probably tell, I’m still trying to free myself from the false equivalency of cispeople being Real, Actual gendered people.

I’ve gotten much better about that, myself excepted.

I’ve been trying to accept that I am actually just a real, ordinary person, though.

A really extraordinary person maybe…

@Sandra
It’s a step, at least. And a step fartherthan my mom has managed.

@Oogly

@Dalillama

I prefer lingerie modelling, personally.

This aligns perfectly with what I had in mind.

A really extraordinary person maybe…

Aw, you’re far too kind. I’m just a simple girl trying to make my way through the universe.

@Sandra

I’m glad you made some forward progress, Sandra. And I really am sorry your parents insist on disrespecting your identity, Dali. I live under the exact same conditions and it’s completely awful.

Here’s something that might cheer you up a little: I found a place nearby me – well, near enough for me to drive, at least – that offers informed consent HRT therapy, so I won’t need to do the whole song-and-dance thing with a therapist to gain access to hormones.

So I’ll get to follow your advice and finally do the thing.

They even accept my insurance carrier. AND they offer plastic surgery!

Now I just have to see if my insurance will cover it.

@Francesca

Hell yeah! I’m really happy for you! That sounds as close to perfect as possible.

I found something similar just a couple cities away from my locality. Not dealing with American “Therapy” again is a good idea for me.

I need to eat. I’ve just let that slip by me today, but now there’s a cat lying on my lap. So I guess I’ll just starve 😛

@Dalillama

And trans gals get an extra dose of bullshit if we are, too.

Ugh. That we do. I. Am. Not. Straight.

There’s always corsets (the real steel boned kind with a busk in front and laces in back, none of that Kardashian nonsense) for more waist contouring – I wear mine pretty much daily for a few hours minimum, so my waist is 12″ smaller than bust and hips instead of just 10″.

Finding pants that fit in the waist *and* hips was already impossible if looking for jeans or structured pants unless I want to get them tailored (I don’t. Easier to just buy stretchy ones.) might as well have fun with things while they’re still north of my bellybutton and the back end hasn’t dropped to just above my knees. 😛

@Sandra
@Epitome

Thanks, ladies.

I’ve been doing a little more sussing out, and apparently they don’t just strap you to a table and start pumping you full of 100,000 mgs of Spiro, which was what I was afraid I’d have to commit to.

It sounds like they tailor your therapy to suit your needs and can give you very small doses, which is what I was hoping for.

I’ve been reading some transgender forums where people are actually complaining that they’re getting random erections on HRT, and I’m like, Eeeeeeeeexcellent. [evil cackling]

It’s been a while since I’ve had those.

I hope I become a Goddamn Sexual She-Tyrannosaurus. Anyway, we’ll find out soon enough. This is quite exciting!

Now the only thing I need to worry about is if my insurance carrier decides to be unhelpful and refuse to pay for my treatment.

Fingers crossed for you, Fran.

I must have missed this earlier *confused*.

@misophstry

After 5 years of hormones my boobs peaked at a DD (down to a BB now thank gawd). I will say (with a good trace of shame at my narcissism) that I am smoking hot.

I am envy personified. On both counts, the boobs and the passing. Actually make it three and add in the being hot. *sad sigh*
Although I could do without the male attention that would bring, my interest there is in the negatives.

@Fran

Dali says that hormones are not really a death sentence for one’s girldick (if anything, it seems to only cause erectile dysfunction to an unlucky few), however, so I’m gonna do it anyway and see what happens.

In my experience they aren’t. After a while on estrogen and a blocker you’ll ejaculate very little if at all. Spontaneous erections will disappear along with, in most cases, the ‘morning wood’. The way I see it, it results in much more control. If I want to I can get physically aroused and orgasm, and if I don’t want to then it doesn’t ‘intrude’.

ETA: The wellbutrin must be doing something, otherwise I wouldn’t even be in this whole conversation.

@Jesalyn

In my experience they aren’t. After a while on estrogen and a blocker you’ll ejaculate very little if at all. Spontaneous erections will disappear along with, in most cases, the ‘morning wood’. The way I see it, it results in much more control. If I want to I can get physically aroused and orgasm, and if I don’t want to then it doesn’t ‘intrude’.

Welcome back! Glad you could make it.

This all sounds splendid. I’m very proud of you.

I’m gonna miss being able to ejaculate, especially since my payloads are large, rich, and thick, but fuck it. I can live without that as long as my girldick continues to function and I can successfully penetrate others.

My main concern is avoiding this whole nightmarish scenario other transwomen lovingly detail in which their cocks and balls turn into inert little lumps of flesh.

I was intensely afraid of this happening, and certain communities I lurk on to gain information about this sort of thing did very little to allay my fears.

Now, I’m sure some of you may be saying,

Good Goddess, Fran! Where in the hell are you hanging out that you’re having all this poison rubbed off on you?!

Glad you asked! Let me show you.

https://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/topic/19369-hrt-is-it-possible-to-only-partially-transition/

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,115657.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=33959.0

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=187819.0

I particularly like (using the word ‘like’ in its most loose and sarcastic sense) how Susan’s Place has people that just try to give you fucking dysphoria about your girldick. They describe their erections and dicks post-HRT as being literally the worst thing ever to happen to them and speak at length about how they’d like to chop the accursed thing off.

Also, it’s nice of them to have a white woman as their emblem because transwomen of color like myself DON’T REAL.

It’s like,

“Oh, you don’t have genital dysphoria? Well, we’re gonna fix that shit by being as short and dismissive and rude to you as possible about your concerns regarding your girldick.”

You may notice in some of those links that the girls there are all like,

“Your cock doesn’t work? Oh, well, too fucking bad for you. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ We can’t help. Being a girl with a dick is un-fucking-heard of. BTW, sweaty :))) I cut off my dick a long time ago and was ever so much better for it, sweaty :)))”

(sweaty is the tumblr sarcastic spelling of sweetie used to imply that you aren’t being as nice as you are pretending to be)

I particularly like how Linda’s members just outright tell the person asking help that they should give up on being a woman.

A long time ago, I thought Susan’s and other old-school transgender boards were the only game in town, and they caused me much confusion because I was convinced I wasn’t really transgender, because the regulars there often declare that “””reeeeeeeeeal transwomen””” want to have sex exclusively with guys, grow sexually aroused at just the smell of a man, and absolutely must want to get rid of their dicks.

I like men and dicks, but I also want to penetrate women. Apparently that’s bad and wrong.

I imagine @Sandra’s eyebrows will rise quite a bit at all the ‘must fuck guys to be legit’ posturing at Susan’s.

So I flopped around in the quagmire of denial for a bit longer. This tied directly into my prior misconceptions that being trans was some arduous, lengthy process in which you erased everything about your personality in this quest to be as cisnormative as possible.

I also thought you had to front-end load yourself with the maximum possible amount of hormones, partially in thanks to people like these:

http://transgender.livejournal.com/2210758.html

You will notice some people actually registering the amounts of spiro other are taking with shock and surprise.

Thankfully, I found other groups elsewhere with communities of transwomen who did not have genital dysphoria and yet were totally, 100% passable, took hormones, and whatnot.

Some of them just don’t fucking take hormones at all.

I’m a wild girl when my blood is roused and it doesn’t take much for me to rebel against societal norms when I’m not submerged in self-loathing and depression; I would probably just be wearing female clothing right fucking now if it weren’t for the fact I’d probably get killed in this homophobic shit-suburb I live in with all these WASPy types who drive lifted Dodge Rams with “I shoot and I vote” and “SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS” stickers plastered all over them.

There’s a good chance I might be going about my business and then get killed by one of these dudes like so many transwomen of color are experiencing and then you’d all be wondering how come Fran isn’t wandering around brightening up WHTM.

So I understand Misophistry’s wish to pass. Our lives actually more or less depend on passing, depending on where we are. I imagine if I lived in a nice, non-hostile place, this wouldn’t be an issue.

Also, I’m desperately afraid of being an embarrassment to the trans community by potentially seeming too masculine while presenting as female. I definitely feel some pressure to ‘trans right’. I’m aware that this isn’t really a thing and is only a condition that exists in the fevered brain of negative people, but it feels real.

Sweet Goddess, Fran! You’re not eating honey; you’re eating INTERNALIZED TRANSPHOBIC BULLSHIT FROM GATEKEEPING TRANSPEOPLE!

You’re goddamn right. Too bad I only figured it out a little while ago.

/sigh

However, the damage has already been done and now I’m cursed with a tiny nagging feeling that rises from time to time that I’m not womaning right or can’t be a real woman.

I hope I can eventually rid myself of that and stop poisoning myself with self-loathing.

So I’m very glad you spoke about this, along with the rest of you girls who are defying the norms.

Being a transwoman with a girldick still seems to be a horrid, shameful secret that people do not want to advise you to become. I think it’s important that you share your experience on this matter.

There is very little advice or guidance for transwomen like me who enjoy our girldicks. We’re still the minority (which is hilarious because transpeople are already an embattled minority). So I really appreciate you taking the time and effort to help me.

It’s ironic, really. Life plays massive jokes on us. When I was a little kid I thought being trans was intensely weird shit.

Now I’m an intensely weird transwoman (according to some) who is too fuckin’ weird to hang out with the Good Girls. Isn’t that amazing?

And now you’re all probably feeling sick after staring into that void of internalized transphobic nonsense on display in those links (I know I am 🙁 ), so I will now share a fun meme from one of the trans-positive communities where they don’t girldickshame you.

Image courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/chibigay/.

@Sandra

In retrospect I shoulda added a CW: Transphobia for those links, but how could I possibly expect transpeople to be transphobic? I did not expect that!

I knew you would be horrified. I, too, was horrified and shit like that just made me further envelop myself in ridiculous delusions that I wasn’t real.

I’m really glad I’m not longer being poisoned by ideological crusaders like them and that I have a nice new mom and sister (you + Dali) to encourage me to actually be my own fucking person.

Remember how I said I was stupid and thought being a transwoman entailed doing the most stereotypically feminine shit ever? Susan’s Place is all about that life.

It’s kinda misogynistic, actually.

“SWEATY U NEEDA FINDA MAN AND LET HIM CUM INSIDE YOU (: DEN UR REAL WIMMENZ (: “

Yes, because being a woman means eating ice cream out of a bucket and having sex with dudes. Fuck, I stopped believing that when I was 18 years old; these ladies are twice if not three times my age and they’re still stuck on that.

I grew up and realized being a woman means doing whatever the fuck you want within reason, and that helped me a lot.

I’m not attracted to masculine people, but I like dicks on occasion. The reason I don’t go out and find such things is because I’ve been assaulted by men several times before I even began coming out, and harassment of me has only stepped up since then. Honestly, I don’t do sex right now. There’s too much bullshit wrapped in there. I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable being physically intimate with men-identifying people. I also feel that this situation has a direct, measurable improvement on my expected survivability, so I have multiple reasons to not address it.

This is super cool. I endorse your actions entirely, because they fly right in the face of the ‘sweaty u need a mans (:’ brigade.

Please keep it up.

I’ve felt this fear. Even in my most feminine outfits, with makeup and crap, I’m still 6’5. It impacts my ability to pass, and while I’ve been fortunate not to face violence for it – I’m white, and tall, and know how to march like I’m on a mission, and I’m fairly obvious about watching for threats from all angles – it still makes me feel like…not a woman? Even though I absolutely am one?

I have similar feelings because of my androgynous nature. I also am quite strong and have wide shoulders and thick legs and arms, so I feel like a fucking brick or a potato instead of like a cute girl and I hate this feeling so much that I feel physically ill looking at myself in a mirror.

I avoid mirrors just like you, mostly.

Also, if I may be permitted a joke – congrats on being a white lady! Only white ladies are real ladies! Susan’s Place said so, so it must be true! 😀 😀 😀

[continues to not exist, like Schroedinger’s Cat. perhaps I am Schroedinger’s Transwoman of Color]

The conversation I had with my doctor is that I couldn’t afford surgery, and had no idea what my end goal might be other than passing. I take relatively low doses of hormones.

This is cool. I’m glad you’re not drinking 400+ mgs of spiro like some of the ladies I linked to.

Their attitude is so toxic, oh my Goddess. I’m still trying to vomit out all the poison I inadvertently absorbed from them.

You know, I actually seriously thought about cutting my dick off for a while and it made me very sad. Thankfully that is no longer a lingering concern for me.

@Francesca

It’s kinda misogynistic, actually.

Kinda? No. Super misogynistic. Being woman is about more than squee-ing over Tom Hiddleston, making everything pink, and infecting people with cooties. Though the last two are super fun, and there’s nothing wrong with any of these things. It’s just that there’s no set way to be a woman.

Please keep it up.

Thanks <3 I'll do what I do, and see what happens.

I’m still trying to vomit out all the poison I inadvertently absorbed from them.

I didn’t actually check out stuff like this, thank the goddess. So I’m just continuing to vomit out the remnants of my toxic masculinity, and come to terms with just how completely my life has shattered because I’m trying to be my most genuine self.

The worst bit is constantly feeling like I’ve fallen, and there’s remnants of old glory, old accomplishments, old victories and battles…it’s so hard to remember that those accomplishments were built on lies that limited me, and that I’ve shattered before, put myself back together. That will happen again this time.

@Dali

Nononono, I know you are white.

What I was saying is that I’m your colored sister. 😀 Provided you have no objections to this paradigm.

Not only don’t you have to, it’s generally highly inadvisable to do so, as a late friend learned to her detriment.

Holy shit.

So basically you’re telling these “SWEATY YOU NEED TO TAKE 400MGS OF SPIRO” are going to get someone killed one of these days?

….I kinda knew that was going to happen.