A somewhat belated Open Thread for Personal Stuff. No trolls, no MRAs, no mean stuff. Email me if anything gets weird.
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We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
@ fran
You know, I think you might have stumbled on something there. I can get a bit suspicious of things that are just a bit too cute. I wonder if that’s exposure to certain fiction in my formative years. Like the notorious Dr Who story where teddy bears strangled people. Or even Philip K Dick (his stories are full of ‘cuteness as camouflage’ monsters).
The irony is, show me some multi fanged hellbeast and I’ll be all “Aww, nice doggie”.
@Francesca Torpedo
Dragon lolitas are Xenomorphs, it all makes sense now.
@ ooglyboggles
More sense than “Prometheus” anyway.
Key word there being “can.” I had a horrific experience with Zoloft, but I know of other people who did just fine on it and didn’t have the same blankness of emotion that I did. While I was on it, though, it seemed like life just kind of happened to me, and whatever occurred I just didn’t care. I didn’t even care that I didn’t care.
However, in the interest of full disclosure, I have a different experience of emotion from neurotypical people, and I shouldn’t be taking antidepressants at all because I’m bipolar and not depressive. I’m currently taking Lamictal, which makes me feel super-emotional but I’m told that I’m actually just normally emotional now and this is how neurotypical people feel all the time. So, take what I say with the appropriate grain of salt – my judgment of how emotional I am/should be is flawed.
Welp I’m feeling suicidal over stupid shit, not that you guys should really care about that because I’m stranger and waisting your energy worrying about a stranger is a bad idea (speaking from experience). (mind you this post was more about saying don’t worry about strangers but yes I am feeling suicidal if any of you care)
@Overly Long Name
There’s always the suicide hotlines, alongside us if you want to talk about it. Hugs if you want them.
http://i.imgur.com/Ss6jGvq.gif
http://i.imgur.com/5s4o3Ud.jpg
http://68.media.tumblr.com/4bcf807da7fe3038ece8b077118474be/tumblr_okcboqph3g1tlb56zo1_400.gif
@Overly
Show of hands?
Hell yes. Can we lighten your load, Overly?
Okay I guess I should at least give an explanation as to what the stupid reasons that are making me suicidal are. Mostly it boils down to being a shitty ally and feeling like a shitty person (which is arguable whether I am or not). I know you guys don’t me at all, but I am a (thin) white cis heterosexual male (though the white part is kind of complicated and a whole other can of beans) but I am the worst at not being casually racist, sexist, transphobic, aphobic, biphopic, homophobic, etc, and by worst I mean whenever I read a thing about how I may be doing any of those things I use it as an excuse to hate myself. That’s kind of why I say it’s a stupid reason because I’m using the real life suffering of others to make myself feel awful and suicidal by saying I’m not helping them enough.
Furthermore building on the not helping them enough thing, I feel like I have to carry the responsibility for everyone’s feelings on my shoulders, which is a thing my psychologist says I shouldn’t be doing, but I feel like that entire point of social justice is to take the burden that the world puts on others and take it upon yourself by being considerate/responsible for other peoples feelings (which is infantilizing I know, I should probably stop, but if I stop then I’ll probably be kind of a massive jerk).
I guess I should say whether I’m being casually bigoted, is sort of up to interpretation but it’s probably true and I use it as an excuse to be hard on myself and I look at social justice as a way to help others but also as a way to beat myself up when I fail to do the right thing (which can be whatever anyone says on the subject). Sorry for rambling I’m a horrible editor and don’t really know what to edit out or not.
Edit: Also Oogly I love that bird gif, in general I love birds, I’ve actually been saving up some bird gifs for the next brain bleach thing
Edit: Edit: also snakes are cute (I’m kind of more a fan of non-mammalian pets I guess)
Hello friends, thought this might be a good place to share part 2:cruise control of my current anxiety saga. Basically, I had agreed to go on this cruise with my future in-laws and my fiance in like September, and we were supposed to leave last week. But as it got closer I started having more panic attacks(I have panic disorder and anxiety and what have you) and decided not to go. That fallout from the in-laws and what they think of me doesn’t seem to be that bad even though they wasted their money on me, but I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I think my be my future stepdad(He loves Glenn beck and all those type of guys and I’m pretty sure he thinks I”m a hippie POS.) The other bad part is I kinda ended up in the hospital and am now stuck in this annoying intensive coping partial hospitalization thing, which I am not learning any good skills from, while my fiance goes on this cruise. We haven’t been apart this long basically ever. (I told him that he HAD to go, I wasn’t gonna make him choose between me and his own Mother. In good news, I think he is genuinely having a good time.)
@Overly
You should do whatever is best for you right now, but I appreciate the explanation all the same 🙂
Only way you stop being a stranger is to talk, hang out, post (bird) gifs, and mock jerks
Social justice is how we recognize the burdens other people deal with. That’s it. It’s not social justice to carry those burdens yourself, both cos 1)it’s literally impossible and 2)we should be making it so nobody has to be burdened. That means you too, ya know?
Bullshit. Social justice didn’t make you not a jerk. You being inherently not a jerk made you an SJW. I guarantee you got it the wrong way around, pal ?
I’m not gonna tell you not to beat yourself up so much, cos we both know that ain’t likely to work. I will say you don’t need to. I promise nobody’s judging you as hard as you are. it’s OK <3
@calmdown
*lotsa hugs, just all the hugs*
I guess I’m really feeling trapped because I know I’m for certain going to fail two of my classes. I tried so hard during this semester to be on top of things and somehow I thought “this semester will be different”.
but it isn’t. I’m failing more classes again. and they cost so much money. I’m so ashamed.
I just had to freak out and not be able to handle talking to people on the day my French oral exam was. I literally just hid in the library the whole time.
and I don’t think anyone will understand. “what do you mean you skipped class because you ‘couldn’t handle it’ that makes no sense you’re just lazy!”
I feel like I have to die because it doesn’t seem like there’s any other options. I’m costing people money. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through college.
@ Overly
I’m pretty sure I’ve seen your nym somewhere before, and have positive associations with it. At work and on tablet, so not gonna write something too long now, but *hugs* offered
@calmdown
*moar hugs*
@Victoria
Sounds like my last time at university. *hugs* and sympathies
@Overly
*hugs
It’s alright, we got you mate. Glad to know you like the bird gif! If you want I could post some more for you later.
@calmdown
Moar hugs. Best wishes to you.
@Victoria
Went through the exact same thing at the last college I attended. Sympathies and condolences.
Thank you for the hugs everyone! 🙂
I’ll keep you updated on how things unfold in the next few weeks.
Overly, calmdown, Victoria – You have all that I can offer you on an online forum: Wishes for safety, security, peace, love and hugs.
@Overly, @calmdown, @Victoria – I am very sorry you’re all going through such shitty times right now. FWIW even people who don’t know you hope for better for you soon.
@Victoria
You’d be wrong. Been there lived that. I did a one year high school upgrade (that stretched to two years), then went into an intense ‘cram three years into a two year course’ Electrical Engineering Tech.
At one point I took a week off because it was either that or melt down completely, and all throughout I would skip the occasional class (or day) because I just couldn’t handle it at that time. To make a long story short I dropped out near the end of the first year and blamed it on the transit strike (I took the bus to get to school) to make myself feel a tiny bit better about it.
the thing is, aside from the French all of my other courses were basic gen ed courses.
and that still ended up being too much for me. I don’t know how to explain to people, especially my parents, whom I’m dependent on, what happened. because there’s no way a neurotypical could understand.
so I’m stuck with this secret but it can’t be a secret forever. I don’t think anyone will ever understand me. I’m too strange and too broken.
it feels hopeless. I’ll always have these expectations on me that I just don’t know if I can comply with. there’s no way out. I feel like giving up.
My part of Germany just voted, and really really failed. Need hugs.
Hugs for all of my fellow Mammotheers that need them.
@Tahia – hugs to you.
@Victoria – I’m not equipped or qualified to truly understand what you’re experiencing. I do know that people often aren’t nearly as hard on us as we are on ourselves.
There’s no way to get through life without disappointing someone, somewhere, at some time. We’re human beings, not perfect creatures. Please try to give yourself permission to not be perfect.
@Overly Long Name, your jerkbrain is trying to find excuses to be mean to you. Nobody can be a perfect ally all the time, and certainly no one can take on the whole world’s pain. The rest of us don’t expect that from you. You are good and you are important just as you are, no matter what your jerkbrain is telling you.
@calmdown, I’m really sorry about your whole situation. What terrible timing for everything. I don’t know if this is at all helpful, but my only thought was that if your future stepdad decides to share some garbage opinions with you about what’s happened, the good thing is that you and your fiancé will be able to handle that as a team. You’re on your own right now, but you’re in this together. And we’re all pulling for you .
@Victoria, I’ll add my voice to the chorus saying that we have been in your exact position before. In my second semester of my psych degree, I dropped all but one class. I, too, felt trapped and scared because of the high expectations of my family. (Can we all agree that “potential” is a weird and often damaging concept to apply to our offspring?)
I highly recommend going to your school’s disability resource centre and asking them what they might be able to do for you. They’re not going to think you’re lazy. I’m sure they’ve seen so many students struggling with what you’re struggling with.
They might be able to get you extensions for certain things, or they might be able to set up accommodations for your next semester that will make it easier to succeed. That said, some of it may require jumping through a bunch of hoops you don’t want to jump through, or you might need to get a formal dx of this or that which you might not want, depending on your situation. Still, sometimes it’s good just to know all of your options.
Best wishes. Know that we believe you. You’re not lazy.
@Viscaria
Oh hell yes! I remember bringing home tests with marks in the 80s and 90s and all I’d get was some variation on, “I know you can do better than that.”
Eventually I just gave up and only put in the minimum amount of effort to pass.
@Overly
I’m sure that you’ve heard of internalized prejudice? Like internalized homophobia, internalized sexism, internalized racism, etc?
So how exactly is your whitish, straight, skinny male ass supposed to avoid absorbing society’s toxic prejudice when even the groups that are affected can’t manage that? Hell, I say that you’re probably ahead of many SJWs, because you don’t assume that you’re too “enlightened” for implicit bias.
So drop the guilt and keep up the good work. And yeah, if you can’t drop the guilt, or you simply feel guilty about something else, that’s a pretty good sign that what’s going on is nothing more than a mental illness talking. So tell your jerkbrain to STFU.
Yes, say it just like that; “Shut the fuck up jerkbrain, you’re not being rational, and I don’t have to listen to you”.