A somewhat belated Open Thread for Personal Stuff. No trolls, no MRAs, no mean stuff. Email me if anything gets weird.
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We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
Hey ya’ll. I’ve been keeping it quiet for a while, but I still read. Not much has changed, but my health is improving and I’ve been cleaning up the back yard, snipping all kinds of branches and things. I want to put in a garden, so I’m gonna need sunlight.
Hello people. Just wanted to say thanks for the advice i got given here a while back. I was waiting for this thread but couldn’t wait so i posted on another and i got a lot of help there. So thanks. Ive also thinking and im not ready to share with my family or girlfriend, so im just glad people here are so supporting and also know more about these things. ??
I was depressed and anxious at my job. My doctor gave me citalapram which is a wonder drug as far as my brain is concerned. I don’t know if it works for everyone.
The home delivery guy seems determined to bring back my anxiety by being a prick. He’s one of those ex-military tough guys (he was in logistics lol)who buys the governments propaganda about strivers vs skivers, and he likes to pick holes in every little thing I do and I think I know why.
He hates that I am an intelligent woman who does not give him the extra respect that he thinks he deserves but will not give in return. I noticed that he always likes to show off – if you’re doing some math he’ll jump in and do it for you or if you are looking up an address he’ll recite it from memory. So in an attempt to impress him I started doing super fast mental arithmetic and memorising addresses, but as it turns out he doesn’t want to be impressed by a woman. It just made him hate me more and look even harder to find fault. He ended up yelling at me that I have the easiest job in the world and I just sit there and scan stuff (wrong, my job is to make customers happy and its hard and he can’t do it).
My new tactic is to get him fired for discrimination. Should be a doddle as all the managers are women he has crossed.
Hope you are all well, sorry about the rant but I guess that’s what the thread is for.
Oh I forgot to mention the best thing – the two female managers are cute blonde and whip thin – the right side of thirty and two of the most intelligent, poker faced hardasses I’ve ever had the privilege to meet. So with any luck the misogynist will get grilled by a pair of tens who will never sleep with him.
I am in the middle of my worst depressive episode ever. There’s no motivation to do anything. I want to sleep all the time, but I also can’t sleep. I only want to eat yogurt and potato chips. Everything else grosses me out. I’m having trouble keeping up with my reaponsibilities relates to my volunteer work. Studies aren’t working at all. Whenever I try to read something I lose focus immediately. The state of the apartment is terrible because I can’t keep up with my part of the cleaning.
Skin problems and pain due to my psoriatic arthritis have both been getting worse lately. I’m having almost daily anxiety attacks. I’ve never been ambitious, but lately I’ve semi-seriously looked into the possibility of getting a lifetime prison sentence for some victimless crime. Just seems nice not having to make any decisions ever again. I’ve also had my first semi-serious suicidal thoughts, because I don’t want to have to deal with 40-50 more years of meh.
I’ve developed instant nausea from even thinking about taking pills. I’m on so many different meds and they all make me sick, but I do need all of them to live. I take one pill every morning, two extra every Sunday morning, and another 8 every Thursday night. The 8 always leave me nauseous for a day or two. It’s gotten so bad that I now get naseous when I measure out lentils, because they make noise similar to pills in a bottle and they have similar shape and size.
As you’d expect from eating mainly yogurt and snacks, I’m in an unprecedented weight gain spiral. I accept that I will always be somewhat fat, but it’s getting out of hand now. Last time I went to visit family, three different people made comments on my weight gain. Even the passport control guy at the airport joked about it. Seriously. I’ve been cancelling doctor’s apppointments for a while now, because I don’t have it in me to be chastized for gaining weight.
Every time I enter my bedroom I have an immediate feeling of safety and calm. Whenever I exit into the living room or kitchen I get a headache and start sweating. Leaving the apartment is okay, but when I get home I just want to sleep.
So, um, halp? I don’t think I’m surviving here.
@IP, WWTH, anyone ele:
I’m happy to make time if anyone needs someone to talk to, and wants that person to be me. Let me know some contact deets and I can be available.
@Imaginary Petal
Sorry to read all that. For what it’s worth, I really enjoy reading your posts and they show what a quality person you are. Please take care of yourself.
I can’t do gifs, but [insert picture of cute animal of your choosing doing cute thing that amuses you here]
I generally feel better today than two month ago. That’s nice.
I guess winter alway do a number on me.
@IP : I don’t have good advice to give, when I was depressive I felt helpless, and only a particulary lucky job interview broke the spell. But I feel for your pain.
At least I can ensure you you’re not worthless at all.
@IP I hope this is not out of line, but dude, I love you, and your cats; you are an amazing charming person, even just online. And you did an awesome Samwell Tarly.
I had a day yesterday–so much to do, work and school and chores, and I managed to do next to nothing because I couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed. But today I have actually worked for two hours, and am now taking a break. I don’t know if this will help you, but this is what I try to do: if I just can’t focus on anything, I say to myself ‘ok, get up and do one thing, then you can go back to bed.’ And then, at the end of the day, if that’s all I managed to do, I say to myself ‘good for you, you put your clothes away. Well done. That was something you accomplished. Better luck tomorrow.’ I TRY not to stress about all the things I DIDN’T do (though of course I’m not always successful at that).
@ IP & WWTH
I’m not qualified to offer any practical advice here but FWIW I’d just like to chip in with a couple of possibly interlinked observations.
One thing I’ve noticed about caring and committed people (which you two are) is a tendency perhaps to put other people’s needs before their own. You both recognise the injustices in the world and you’re actively trying to do something about that. You’re also both very cogniscent that there are many people worse off than yourselves; it’s that recognition of privilege thing. But the danger of that is that perhaps you can either lose focus on the importance of self care or feel guilty perhaps when you start to think about your own problems.
So IP you get worried about letting down the people you help with your volunteering and WWTH feels guilty maybe about the fact many people don’t even have jobs, let alone ones they hate.
It’s not for me to say you shouldn’t feel like that, but maybe you can give yourself permission to consider your own needs for once. That doesn’t mean you’re letting anyone else down or prioritising your own needs unfairly. It’s just the old ‘put your own oxygen mask on first’ thing.
And of course the corollary to all this is that you’re both good people, in the actual real sense, not the self declared but no evidence to back it up sense. You make a positive difference to people’s lives (human and non human people) and I’m sure they’re very grateful for that. So maybe allow yourselves a pat on the back every now and then and don’t feel guilty about taking care of yourselves once in a while.
Sorry, bit rambly, but hope you get my drift.
@ LindsayIrene:
The manic times feel best, and can be most productive. It’s sometimes hard though not to let them feed into conditions that impel me back to the depression. I hope that problem isn’t yours. I’m very glad you’re feeling up! Do take care and be well.
@ WWTH & Imaginary Petal:
Ah, shit, I am sorry you’re suffering through that.
What helps me in my darker times is to focus on a few things: 1) progress, 2) escapism, and 3) compassion.
Progress just means making myself feel that I’m improving my life; I’m doing things that are important to me; I’m getting shit done. That’s HARD when I’m depressed, and doing it anyhow really feels like a victory to me. Even small victories count. I had a healthy meal! I checked my mail! Whatever it is, it’s a triumph of the spirit. I, too, put on a lot of unwanted weight of late (depression + alcoholism = predictable). I’m trying to get back to counting calories and working out, but it’s hard to find motivation some days. When I do succeed at that though, it feels good. It helps me to try to keep a clear idea how I want to live, so I have goals I can strive towards and feel good about meeting.
Escapism, for me, involves both immersing myself in things, and making sure I laugh. I try to find interests that will draw me out of my funk and make me focus instead on something wholly other. And then I also really like to find things that just make me happy, however briefly. Webcomics are great for this, or videos of baby animals, or whatever works for you.
Compassion just helps ground me. Caring about others reminds me that a lot of people suffer, and have reason to complain, but press on through. And this brings me strength when I remember this isn’t a competition but rather a group activity; they’re not making me look bad, but rather showing what’s possible. But moreso, I just like being kind and helpful, because that makes me feel that my time is well-spent. I spend a lot of my free time doing things to try to make others feel better, because that helps me carry on. Carrying on isn’t easy. Helping makes me feel connected to others, which helps motivate me to do yet more.
All of this chips away at the depression.
I’m sure there are a myriad of other approaches that are valid and effective.
And if you feel you just can’t deal, call someone. Please. Call a friend or loved one or relation. Talking, social contact, is powerful.
1-800-273-8255 is there 24/7 to help.
@Jayne
Re: experience with historical research….plenty of experience with that here (Ph.D. in History; a few book chapters and journal articles published, many years (20+) teaching history on the undergraduate and graduate level, lots of thesis-advising)….what are you working on?
By the way, in the place where I went to graduate school for my doctorate a lot of the graduate students used to take small project and/or short-term paid researcher jobs to starve a little less….usually it was hunting stuff in this one archive that was nearby to us, inconvenient to lots of the rest of the world (my university being one of those huge-but-in-the-middle-of-nowhere schools) but whose holdings were critical for a lot of people doing a particular period.
@Pavlov’s House:
On that, could I ask for some book recs, please? I’m looking for good one-volume biographies of Georgy Malenkov, Nikolai Yezhov and Genrikh Yagoda.
Empathy and hugs to everyone struggling. I’m pretty sure I went through a major depressive episode last year, but I didn’t recognize it for what it was at the time. It was kind of triggered by my fiancé leaving me so it was difficult to separate the grief from the depression. It’s only looking back that realize how bad it was.
I agree with Collateral Thought. It’s much easier to manage doing small things. I’d clean the bathroom sink. I knew I was going to use it everyday and something about seeing the bright and shiny faucet made me feel fractionally better.
I also used a website called SuperBetter, both before and a bit during my depression. It gives you small tasks to do everyday and powerups when you complete things. It was set up by a game designer when she was struggling to recover from a concussion. I’ve linked to her Ted Talk about it. They have programs in place for a variety of issues, including mental illnesses and physical injuries, but you can also add in your own tasks to personalize it. I haven’t been using it much lately, but I’d be happy to pick it back up and connect with anyone who wants to. I was doing it alone in the past and struggled with the “recruiting allies” portion of the game.
https://youtu.be/lfBpsV1Hwqs
@RosieLa If there isn’t an official doctor phobia, there should be. They scare the shit out of me. Hope the pain subsides some.
@Weirwood
Sorry your workplace sucks so bad. Hard for me to fathom that anybody hassles you for production; I read you as so solid and competent. (Not whiner, loser, other bad words; hope you can stop calling yourself those things. I self-harm that way, too; it sucks.)
@Axe @ Francesca Torpedo
Hugs, and I wish I had more to give you. I don’t even gif.
@IP
Same, plus extra virtual hugs for you. Sorry you’re going through such a horrible time.
@dreemr
Laughed out loud. My issue also. And so glad your panic attacks could be resolved without anxiolytics.
@Banananana dakry
My experience was that after the hot flashes passed, menopause is just a huge relief from the whole damn thing. (Also, thank you for your NannyOggish nym, which always makes me smile.)
@Dali
I can hardly wait to read your pirate-queen story. When?
I’ve also been experiencing some work-related anxieties lately. My 9-5 isn’t too bad. It’s not perfect, just kind of boring. I have a show coming up the next few weekends, and it’s going to be a lot of fun. I know that I should just enjoy it, but I haven’t been able to book anything else. I’m feeling like I will not ever book anything again, and I’ll just spend the rest of my life as a sad person who sits in a dimly lit warehouse looking at spreadsheets all day. I also watched someone who was kind of mean to me in a dream role of mine last night, and I know you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people, but ugh, I’m just not good enough.
So, just real quick on break at work. I’m so sorry about everyone’s depression. I just get tired sometimes. I literally can’t imagine what you’re going thru. Especially @Petal. Unfortunately, no advice, just support. And adding on to the pile of folks saying y’all are amazing people. My life is so much better for hanging out with you everyday. Peace <3
@WWTH yeah I hear you about the struggle to find motivation to do a job search. For me, it’s not just a depression/lack of motivation thing either, but a dread of the helplessness and anger that comes when you get NO call backs, and you have no money, and you’re really trying but everyone says that anyone who really wants a job will eventually get a job, and fuck that noise.
BUT, since you mentioned it, I’m wondering if you know what the criteria for getting disability for mental illness actually is? Talk about the American work ethic, all I got was a dirty look when I asked my doctors. Like I wouldn’t rather have and keep a job, assholes.
Apologies in advance for length.
@WWTH, you are not a bad person for wanting to leave your toxic work environment in a way that puts you in the best possible financial position. In my ideal world, there would be mincome systems set up so that you could leave your job on your own terms and have the time to find a better one. Since that isn’t the reality, it sounds like getting fired would be your best case, and wanting that is perfectly reasonable.
Also I love Buffy; it was my junior high and high school obsession, and season 6 is my favourite season.
@Axe, that sounds really crappy. I hope you’re muddling through okay despite it. If you ever need to talk more, here to listen.
@Oogly, educational red tape is such a pain in the butt. Why does no one ever seem to know the whole story?? Ugh.
@Banananana dakry, D: I hope your body starts cooperating soon.
@Francesca Torpedo, I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time. I haven’t had the opportunity to interact directly with you very much, so I wanted to let you know that I’ve loved your contributions here, and I’m so glad you’ve joined this community.
@LindseyIrene, I hope you’re okay and safe. I’ve never been manic, but it sounds intense.
@IP, I wish I had something better to say than I’m sorry, and I’ve been there. I was the same with food, too, only wanting certain calorie-dense, highly palatable foods. I’m so sorry that people feel the need to comment on your weight. I think the important thing is that you’re eating. You are important, and you need food.
Just checking in again to let everyone know that I, Internet Rando, am thinking of you and I hope things get better.
Especially hope you’re coping okay, wwth and others dealing with depression.
Just want to amplify what @Collateral thought said – talk to someone, talk to us here if you’re comfortable. It does help.
Depression/anxiety/just plain ol’ social consciousness sometimes tells us that we’re burdening our friends and loved ones if we discuss our issues, depression, anxiety, unhappiness, or complaints with them. Over the years, after being surprised time and again by friends who showed me that they loved me and cared about me even if I sometimes complained, I finally realized that, just as I like being there for my friends, they like to be there for me.
That having occasional issues one needs to discuss or talk out isn’t a never-ending downer that makes people want to avoid you, but instead it’s the interdependent glue of trust that helps us lean on and love each other.
So, y’know, don’t overlook that, or let your assumptions tell you that nobody wants to hear it. We do.
I wish I could spread around all the excess everything I’m feeling right now to those of you who are depressed. Then we could all just be ‘normal’.
I love you all. ((((((((((Hugs))))))))))
And one for Peevee…
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate it. You never really know in a forum like this if people even notice you’re there.
@guest
Not out of line at all. I’m gonna hope Sam gains about 20-30 lbs for the new season, so that my costume might still be somewhat believable this year. :p
So a few weeks ago I decided to reconsider anti-depressants after a particularly bad 3-4 days.
So has anyone here taken Wellbutrin? I just started it a few days ago and I’m wondering if anyone has any experience with it. I’ve already looked up what I could find, but there is a huge difference between dry technical information and personal experience.
Still waiting for a date for my bottom surgery, although I’m doubting I’ll make it that long.