A somewhat belated Open Thread for Personal Stuff. No trolls, no MRAs, no mean stuff. Email me if anything gets weird.
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For a non-Trump open thread, go here!
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We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
Yeah, yeah, next thing will be cats and dogs living together!
Did somebody say…catbirds?
http://i235.photobucket.com/albums/ee77/schnookumsfd/Kryst/tumblr_m3m8v2Hn3P1r0u6efo7_r1_1280.png
High pain day today. Idk if there’s an official doctor phobia, but if you ever watch a shy youngster be made to interact with strangers… that’s me with doctors. It doesn’t lend itself well to medical mystery.
Speaking of cats and birds, I played a robin song on my computer and Dracarys tried to hunt it. It was adorable. She was trying to stick her head under the computer, checking under the covers making those little trilling noises. Such cute vicious predatorness.
Anyway. My deal is that I want to get fired and I feel like a really terrible person for it. I was fired for about three days (for insufficient production) and hired back right away. I got the call about 15 minutes before I was going to file for unemployment.
My old boss quit and I can’t stand his replacement. The new boss doesn’t like me much either. I can tell. The management style is completely different. Things have gotten really tense and micro-managed in there.
I was actually doing really well a few months ago. Then I had two bad days in a row and none of the good work I’ve done previously mattered. They moved my spot to a really noisy area that makes me very stressed and anxious. When I asked to be moved back, New Boss said in front of everyone “well then, you need to get production up.” Just to humiliate me, I guess. How making me miserable is supposed to cause me to increase my production? No clue. And it hasn’t. Ever since then I’ve been periodically given a hard time about production even though I explained that I function better in quieter spaces and explained that in the best, when I’ve had a slump I’ve come out of it quickly on my own if I’m just left alone.
I’m not the only one who’s unhappy about the changes. I can think of 10 coworkers off the top of my head who don’t like the job much anymore either. I just don’t think ruling with fear is a good long term strategy for a business unless they’re so large that they can afford massive turnover, like Walmart.
Here’s the problem. I have mild depression and anxiety. Typically I can manage it, but it is triggered by external circumstances that make me unhappy. Because of these mood issues, I simply don’t have the energy to look for a new job. But I can’t quit because then I won’t get unemployed. I’m nowhere near mentally ill enough to qualify for any kind of disability. I’m tired all the time but can never sleep. I feel ill a lot. I’ve barely socialized these past few months and when I do, I have to force myself into it. All I ever want to do is put on my pajamas and watch Netflix. As I’ve mentioned around here before, for me depression looks a whole lot like laziness to other people because I don’t get suicidal or cry all day. I just get very lethargic*.
I feel trapped and that getting let go is the only path out. But it feels so wrong to want to be fired. Especially since there is no guarantee that I’d find a good job. But I think that considering my area has one of the lowest unemployment rates, if not the lowest of any metro area in the US, I might be ok. Also my grandmother is my landlord so I’m not in danger of homelessness or anything. I just can’t help but feel like a whiner and loser and a fuck up right now.
* Side note: one of the reasons I’m such a defender of Buffy, even the dreaded season 6 is that Buffy goes through a depressive episode after being brought back from the dead that looks a lot like my episodes do. Most fictional depictions of depression are of the always crying and/or suicidal variety and I think that’s a big part of why most people don’t understand that depression can manifest as apathy and lethargy instead.
I’m still here but mostly lurking these days.
I’m doing well on the job hunt and am very close to accepting an offer. I don’t want to say where, since it’s not official and there have been quite a few trolls around lately. Regardless, it will take me far from where I currently am (goodbye Indiana!) and I am really excited that I will be living near mountains.
@WWTH
I’m sorry things are rough for you right now. You are not a fuckup. Take care of yourself. I hope things get better soon.
@WWTH
Sorry about all that. Love and Hugs! It’s not whining to make your needs known. It’s not losing to have bad days. It’s not fucking up to be fucked over. Of course, you already know this, but I’m more than happy to remind you if you need <3
Re: depression
It's been suggested to me that I'm going thru a depressive episode at the moment. Presenting with symptoms:
1)difficulty focusing
2)fatigue and sleeplessness
3)lack of motivation (this one most annoyingly)
I dunno, just putting it out there…
@WWTH
The regulars on this site are glad that you are here, and happy when we hear from you. I just want you to know that.
Ms. Pavlov’s House and I have each been working like H*LL at respective jobs and barely had one night together over the past week. On a bright note one of the officer candidates at my institution who is a history major had an awesome thesis defense earlier this week. I was on his committee and pretty much knew he would do well. It was one of those things where there was a hole in his argument, but the kind where he could easily just address it on the defense and was not one of those problems with the argument that would require a re-write, etc.
Also, I miss having a cat.
Sorry, I know that’s random.
And, darn it, I missed all the good historical discussions on one of the other posts. Oh well, there will be more.
Thanks, all.
Yeah, that’s me. All that stuff is in the DSM definition. Well, it was IV anyway. I’m assuming the definition has changed little if at all in V. Even knowing that, the whole American attitude of morality being tied to hard work, motivation and a positive outlook seeps in. Even though I disagree with it. Sloth might be considered an even bigger sin than lust here.
@weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
It’s alright, everyone has those days. We’re happy to know how you’re doing.
@dr. ej
Good luck on the job and the welcome scenery!
@Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Well at least you got to talk about it with people who know and understand that sort of thing. Yeah I feel ya hard on the lack of motivation, it’s like being stuck in a creek of sludge. Hope your episodes passes soon.
@Pavlovs House
Congratulations to the officer candidate.
In my own life I just learned that I had to go fill out another form and wait until the 23rd of this month at most to get my AP scores approved. Five meetings with counselors, and not a single one mentioned this even after they saw the scores firsthand nor when I asked if there was anything else I needed to do. Not really mad, more annoyed.
On the bright side though I finished the translation/interpretation project I was on a couple days ago. It feels nice to know all those hours on anki and Tae Kim are paying off. It feels even better to know that I helped someone out. My grandmother’s legs are getting better after multiple sessions of us kicking an exercise ball back at each other. My aunt’s doing alright and doing her own thing, almost like that previous incident with her diabetes never happened.
@wwth – I don’t have any solutions for you but if it’s any consolation, my depression often looks like laziness. I just don’t care very much when I’m depressed (its usually stuff like housework for me, shit I hate to do even when I’m not depressed).
To be fair, my laziness often looks like laziness, too.
In any case, solidarity.
Ah yes, management through fear. I was a supervisor at a big retail store for a while. One of the employees left, and sent me a “Thank You” note for treating her with respect/being nice. Totally unexpected.
Even high turnover places can’t really afford too much management through fear.
I feel like shit, and I know why. Fucking hormones. If it’s not the deadly fatigue, it’s the constant low-grade headache, the innards feeling like they’re lined with glass shards, the short temperedness and wanting to kill people with sticks, the inability to feel anything emotionally, the low pain threshold, the…
You know what? Hysterectomy or no, my fucking ovaries can make me miserable all without the actual bleedy bleedy part. I’d ask for them to stop but frankly I’m even more scared of menopause.
@WWTH
*hug* I feel you on all that shit.
The most terrifying form of depression I think isn’t the constantly bawling thing popularized, it’s the feeling nothing. Not caring. It’s horrifying because you know something’s wrong, but you don’t care, and I can see why people might want to self-harm with that, just to feel something.
I had to go through 2 sleep studies, but I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. A normal person has <5 apnea episodes (events where they stop breathing) per hour; I had an average of 63 apnea episodes per hour of at least 10 seconds (and up to 40 seconds long); during REM sleep I would have up to 89 apnea episodes per hour. This is, apparently, a lot, and greatly increases a person's risk of stroke, heart disease, etc.
Of the stages of sleep, I never entered Stage 3, which is supposed to be restorative sleep.
In fact, when they completed my sleep study, the therapist told me, "It usually takes about a week to 10 days for them to score your study and the doctor to get back to you. But the doctor will be calling you TODAY."
So I now have a CPAP machine and it was super-easy for me to adjust to, and I went immediately to less than 1 episode per hour and have been waking up only two or three times a night rather than my usual 10 or 12. Its been a real change and I feel much better.
For many years I suffered from panic attacks that only struck at night, and for which I was prescribed Ativan; I now suspect that I simply could not breathe.
So, that's been pretty good overall.
@weirwoodtreehugger
Someone else notices the Buffy thing! My depressive episodes are also of the ‘complete apathy and numbness’ variety, so it actually kinda feels good to see a character on screen seem to go though the same thing?
General question: does anyone here have any experience with historical research? I have a part time job as a sort of freelance secretary/research assistant (very casual, for a friend of a friend of the family sort of thing) and while it is the sort of work I got my English degree to do, at the moment I’m feeling a bit like I’m doing a lot of reading and digging through stuff for not a lot of useful information.
@Bananananana dakry – and here I am looking forward to a menopause that just doesn’t seem to come.
I have my period – AGAIN – and I just now remember that I had it only a couple of weeks ago when the Afungus was amungus.
Maybe it’s a sign of perimenopause!!
For everyone who needs something sweet:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5rD9Gma_Z8
And hugs.
@Bina
[steals some hugs because she’s been in a bad place the past few months]
I have nothing to add except that I am in as much distress and pain as the rest of you.
What more is there for me to say? You’ve already perfectly described it.
@ Fran
*moar hugs*
@Dali:
Thank you.
I’m experiencing the exact opposite of the ‘dead inside’ feeling right now. Whee, it’s manic episode time! Time to feel like I can barely be contained inside my own skin. Time to want to drink all the time. Time to get obsessive. Time to have no attention span whatsoever. Time to have the damnedest impulses. Time to be horny all the time even though I have no partner to sex me up. Am considering starting to party with bikers again so I won’t have to leave town to get laid.
@Francesca Torpedo, Femoid Special Forces Major
*Hugs to compliment more hugs
http://i.imgur.com/pJvoooh.jpg
http://i.imgur.com/Fp5UF2l.gif
http://i.imgur.com/wcu0kYa.jpg
@Oogly-senpai
Thank you.
Also, that bird gif fills me with immense pleasure for some reason.
It’s so fulfilling. I feel like crying a little just looking at it.
My god, it’s beautiful.