Today’s Gross Dude of the Day award goes to British Baronet Benjamin Slade. The Baronet, 70 years old and looking for love or at least a reasonable facsimile of it, recently told the Daily Mail that he’s “interviewing hard” for a “fit” lady at least twenty years his junior.
He’s apparently decided that the best way to find a wife young enough to be his daughter is to say insulting things about women in general and his ex-girlfriends in particular.
“I have had a few proposals,” he assures the Mail,
but sometimes the women are past their sell-by date and have been over the guns a few times.
The “past their sell-by date” bit is a tad ironic coming from a pasty elderly dude who’s basically the human equivalent of curdled milk. At least personality-wise.
By his own account, the Baronet has had some trouble finding the younger and more attractive than him woman of his dreams.
He recently split from a woman he sometimes called his fiancee because, he says, “she is 50, so too old to have children.” Either that or she dumped his ass.
His previous gal pal, he says, “went off with my handyman in 2011, but was already showing signs of madness.”
Another previous girlfriend married a rival Lord, the Earl of Carnavon, and Ben the Baronet is apparently still quite bitter about it.
I rescued her from the back of a car, set her up in business and made her a millionaire in 18 months. … She was very difficult to live with. Good riddance to her.
Before her, he dated a woman who was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when he met her. He picked her out, shook her up and turned her around, turned her into someone new. Now five years later on, she’s got the world at her feet …
Sorry, those are actually the lyrics to Don’t You Want Me by the Human League. I got a little confused.
Anyway, if you want to be the Baronet’s lover, you’ve got to be something of a party girl. “They have to be fit,”he told the Mail. “I am like a feudal prince when it comes to throwing parties.”
The Baronet, who desperately wants to put his ancient sperm in a fertile lady, assures all potential applicants that he is making heroic efforts to care of himself and his sperm — by hanging upside down like a bat and eating horny goat weed. No, really, he’ll be glad to explain it all to you:
I’ve bought a back stretcher and hang upside down on it for five minutes every morning. It works wonders for the chin and neckline. I also have some “sky boots” with a hook in the top so I can hang upside down. …
I am also on the Genghis Khan diet, which is recommended for young lotharios and involves eating sweet potato, sunflower seeds and horny goat weed.
It was recommended by my French nephew, who is 70 and hasn’t a single grey hair. And Genghis had 2,000 children.
I would wish Baronet Ben Slade the best of luck, but honestly I’d prefer he have no luck at all. And to any woman who finds herself being courted by Sir Slade I would recommend giving a quick listen to this song by a band that shares a name with the Baronet.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikMiQZF-mAY
Seriously, run, run away, as far away as you can.
H/T — The Virgin Mary, in the comments here
This baronet guy reminds me of a long-ago blind date.
I met him at the appointed place and time. Only then did he reveal that he wanted to be a father.
Oops! I just remembered that I want kids!
I’m just going to assume this is all a joke so I can pretend the world is a nice place and get a good sleep tonight.
OT
White House sets out to lower egg-spectations for Trump’s last-minute, celebrity-free Easter Egg Roll
https://www.rawstory.com/2017/04/white-house-sets-out-to-lower-expectations-for-trumps-last-minute-celebrity-free-easter-egg-roll/
I’m gonna call this what it is: the War on Easter.
RosieLa
I realise that this witless example of the braying classes would be unlikely to own a hundred-room place with one of the world’s major collections of 18th century furniture (or any other century for that matter) like Dumfries House … http://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/program/secrets-of-the-scottish-manor-houses
Prince Charles has the right idea here. Save the house and the furniture – look carefully at the local towns and villages. Create employment, business and other opportunities for (mostly) local people. Restore a grand house and revive depressed communities in a single continuing process.
More OT
Sounds important:
Opening of UN files on Holocaust will ‘rewrite chapters of history’
Archive used in prosecution of Nazis reveals detailed evidence of death camps and genocide previously unseen by public
https://www.theguardian.com/law/2017/apr/18/opening-un-holocaust-files-archive-war-crimes-commission
@Kat Hopefully that will make at least some of the holocaust deniers STFU.
“He’s apparently decided that the best way to find a wife young enough to be his daughter”
Grand-daughter Dave. Also.
Technically I’m still married, so can’t go for that. Otherwise, I’d be all over that if he has enough land for me to raise Egyptian geese and wallabies AND a central London pad. Plus I’m down with the partying!
True fact: my brother and I used to do ‘shows’ of that Human League song.
Okay Mr. Baronet Genghis-Batman-Whoever:
Do you want to *have* kids or do you want to *raise* kids?
If you wanted to *have* biological kids, you should have found a female partner who was amenable to that idea when you were both still of child-bearing age, and you should have treated her like a person so she’d actually want to stick around with you.
If you want to *raise* kids, you don’t need a young, hot, partying female partner to do so. Adoption and foster care are both options which you can pursue on your own, or with a partner your own age. Also, if you want to raise kids, you should probably knock off the rampant partying, and learn a bit about balanced nutrition and stuff, and maybe also sell off your firearms.
Heck, if you can’t commit to full-time parenting, you can volunteer with mentorship programs and after-school organizations. All kinds of kids need tutoring, extracurricular activities, or just the consistent presence of a caring, safe, stable adult–although, again, “I hang upside-down and eat food Genghis Khan definitely couldn’t have lived off of and want to party with women decades my junior” probably won’t look so good on your application.
But I suspect that what you really want is to be able to brag about propagating your DNA, which is a gross and weird reason to want children. If you care that much about your precious genes continuing on the earth, might I suggest sperm banks and/or donating your body to science. Neither of those things require a woman to be involved, and you definitely won’t hurt any kids in the process.
Because really, I think it would probably be best for everyone if you stay away from minors entirely.
@ Vicky P
I believe you did. Must confess, all that “heirs (qualification)” stuff did go over my head a bit back in the day. It’s not like settled land and all that is something we deal with on an everyday basis. I’ve only once had a member of the nobility as a client; and he was up for drug dealing.
I’m not sure the surrogacy thing would work without a marriage though as heirs of the body have to be legitimate by definition.
@ Alan
Thank you. Ah, well. I wouldn’t want a surrogate to have to marry him as part of the deal, even if the deal included her getting to divorce him after the baby is born.
ETA: Y’know, it occurs to me that there’s the making of a Midsomer Murders episode here.
A nutty old aristocrat.
If there’s one thing we still do well in this country, it’s nutty old aristocrats. We have lots of them, unfortunately.
Not as much of a pain in the arse as they used to be, admittedly (ius primae noctis doesn’t tend to be invoked these days), but their sense of entitlement generally remains large and overbearing.
Off with their heads!
@ Vicky P
Ah Midsomer. The English rural county that makes Caracas look safe.
Tonight on Midsomer Murders, DCI Barnaby and his latest DS are called to Midsomer Picturesque to investigate yet another locked-room mystery festooned with bizarre sexual practices, false alibis, blue herrings, and of course a timely fact or two dropped by Mrs. Barnaby….
Midsomer – highest murder rate in the world, and they’re all white. A disturbing place on so many levels.
omg omg omg General Election. Pleasepleaseplease vote anti-tory (I know, nobody here is a tory probably but I’m just hyperventilating for the moment). I don’t want to lose what might be our last chance for the NHS, I don’t want ever more cuts targeting the sick and the disabled (and I’ll admit to a personal stake in that), I don’t want workers’ rights decimated post-brexit …
(ETA oh and eeuw, baronetly asquerosidad. fuck this repulsive egotistical epitome of irrelevance. )
@ Vicky P
“Tonight on ‘We couldn’t afford the rights to Inspector Morse’…”
I would though like to see a crossover with “Murder, she wrote”. Just for the bodycount.
@opposablethumbs
Sorry, but in all honesty, Labour are probably going to be destroyed. I take absolutely zero pleasure in that. I’m a former staunch party member (I left when Blair took us into Iraq), and I believe 100% in the NHS, and social security (I refuse to call it ‘welfare’, which is an imported term used to denigrate those that for whatever reason, require assistance).
The Tories are roughly 20 points ahead in the polls. The only thing that could keep them out of government, is the young. You know, the people being so grievously screwed over by Theresa May’s government. The young traditionally, are far less inclined to vote than say, pensioners, which is why governments tend to pander to older voters.
But if the young come out in droves on polling day? Things might actually change…
Sounds like a typical ruling class Englishman.
To all non Brits reading ‘over the guns’ is neither a common nor contemporary phrase. I have never heard it before, and I am a well read 50+.
Most English people never meet people like this, esp if you live in a city. I am thankful to say I am one of them.
I would take the Monster Raving Loony Party over the Tories. I’m hoping, for example, that tory Remainers might go temporarily awol – independent, green, lib-dem, whatever they may have available in their individual constituencies – even if they fully intend to stay tory in the long run.
Will you get to vote the Baronet off the island?
@opposablethumbs
I think it’s really important for people to be aware that protest votes, whether it be for the Greens or whoever, are just going to help the Tories.
Tactical voting is going to be key here.
I live in a Conservative safe seat. There is evidence though, that Libdem support is rising in the area. Closer to the election, if it looks like they could give the Tories a run for their money, that’s who I’ll be voting for.
And I’m actually a member of the Green Party. Gotta do, what you’ve gotta do.
Brian
“over the guns” …
sounds to me like one of those expressions used to describe physical punishments. Referring to the navy and the armed forces, or not even armed, come to think of it, when you include the merchant navy as well as the real navy.
Absolutely, tactical (not protest) voting. This time out, I would vote for ABT in a heartbeat (though counting the kippers as T in this instance, of course).
“over the guns” is an oddity, isn’t it. It does sound like the punishment reference you mention, or could it be a Charge of the Light Brigade sort of thing, with the notion of advancing over opposing guns? Like going “over the top”????
Or is the old scrote just equating guns with penes? ::shrug::