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kitties

Why I won’t pet cute kittens any more

The kind of cat I used to pet

NOTE: This post will make a lot more sense if you read this first. 

When it came to petting cats, as a slow-moving human with a soothing voice, I had no problem getting headbutts from Chicago’s most beautiful cats.

I could have any cat I wanted. I met some nice adult cats, but invariably I went for the fluffiest, most adorable kittens I could find.

My life was pretty much this:

I petted as many as three kittens a week, many of them cute enough to be kitten gif models, but eventually I realized that petting the cutest young things had its drawbacks — I found them flighty, silly and vapid.

I mean, look at these ridiculous creatures.

Adorable kittens who get a fair amount of attention get full of themselves. Eventually, I was dreading booping them on their tiny kitten noses because they were constantly being distracted by whatever shiny thing entered their field of vision. Literally.

Looking for a cat with a greater attention span than a gnat, I started petting a couple of cats who aren’t cat calendar models. The two are now living in my apartment with me and occasionally vomiting on things. I met them at a local cat shelter.

One of the cats I’m currently petting.

People like me who don’t mind talking in a baby voice and who aren’t given to sudden, startling movements have the pickings when it comes to petting cats but eventually I found that I wanted a cat of substance, not a ball of fluff.

The cats I pet now couldn’t be gif models, but they are still pretty kitties aren’t you yes you are!

When people get to a certain age, they realize that it’s important to pet kitties that don’t spend their entire waking life careening around the apartment knocking things over. Just part of their waking life doing that. All right, 80%. But come on, you’ve got to admit that kittens are kind of exhausting.

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Rina
Rina
3 years ago

That was hilarious! When I read the original article, I kept looking for that “satire” label, and couldn’t find it…

Skyla
Skyla
3 years ago

Seriously, how is that other article not satire? Especially when I saw the picture of the woman who was “super hot” and her “boy next door” boyfriend and was struck by how cute he was and how not that cute she was.

(Normally I wouldn’t comment on people’s appearance, but that was apparently the whole point of that article)

Thank you for al the kitten gifs. I needed them to cleanse my brain!

tim gueguen
3 years ago

Yes, the top 20 of X on IMDB is where I go for properly researched, scientific information.

Rina
Rina
3 years ago

Yes, the top 20 of X on IMDB is where I go for properly researched, scientific information.

Right, it’s not like any aspects of their lifes make it harder to keep a stable relationship. MUST be their attractivity.
Plus, it’s clearly their looks that put them in the top20 on that site. Not, you know, their talent…
Oh dear, there’s so much wrong with this, I don’t even know where to start..

Elizabeth Regina
Elizabeth Regina
3 years ago

Do you really, tim?

Odd choice, but your choice to make.

Maximilán (they/them)
Maximilán (they/them)
3 years ago

David Futrelle…. used to ride the Kitty carousel. tsk tsk.

gijoel
gijoel
3 years ago

Cat Lover Going his Own way????

The Busty Chemist
The Busty Chemist
3 years ago

I picked the cutest kitten I could find. Now I have an asshole cat. Don’t be like me.

(J/K, I love her anyway. She’s my beloved evil kitty.)

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
3 years ago

I used to think puppies were the best (kittens too, but I’ve not met as many). But I started puppy sitting for a living and discovered a fundamental issue.

Meeting a puppy for the first time is fine. You’re way bigger, so if you want to cuddle them, cuddling will happen.

But if you’ve met a young puppy a couple of times and had a lovely cuddle, there’s an issue you should be aware of. If the puppy recognises you and is pleased to see you, it is likely to lose control of its bladder. Just as it gets to your shoes (or, if you’ve already picked it up, your top).

Plus, if it’s a boy dog, he may also be showing his excitement (if you know what I mean). No judgment, he’s a baby, but there’s a surprising flash of pink going on.

I bet the OP has never had a “hot woman” do either!

bbz
bbz
3 years ago

I no longer knit with pretty balls of yarn. You know the ones, that twinkle at you from the shelves and demand to be made into shawls or complicated socks. Now I look for more sedate yarn: solid unobtrusive worsted.
Gone are days of attention-whoring skeins and their flighty, tangled, many-dpn ways! Yep, the watchwords are “reliable” and “modest” in the stash these days. I just don’t have the energy to chase around after ombre mohair anymore–too demanding!

Dormousing_it
Dormousing_it
3 years ago

It takes a lot of hard work, time, and money to be beautiful, in the sense of the NY Post article. All the time spent on hair, makeup and exercise…some people would rather be occupied with something else.

Like petting cats.

Judas Peckerwood
Judas Peckerwood
3 years ago

To the woman who that loser ended up with: RUN!!!

Weird (Encouraged by the RESISTANCE!!!!) Eddie
Weird (Encouraged by the RESISTANCE!!!!) Eddie
3 years ago

@ bbz;

what do your cats think of your new taste in yarn? do they still bat the yarn ball around, or are THEY shallow and vapid???

@ all;

is the Post article satire or is they serious??? I seriously can’t tell

Viscaria the Cheese Hog
Viscaria the Cheese Hog
3 years ago

Dan Rochkind used to date swimsuit models, but he’s happier now that he’s engaged to a merely beautiful woman

BRB, throwing up.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
3 years ago

Speaking of cats! I’ve agreed to take care of two cats in a neighboring apartment for the next two days. I have never met these cats, and don’t know what to expect! Will update later.

Kootiepatra
3 years ago

Oh my gosh, the original article is SUCH astonishing garbage. I think it’s incredibly revealing that his current fiancee–who he sees as “not hot”–is conventionally attractive. I’d even say conventionally *gorgeous*. I mean, different people have different tastes and all, but there is nothing about her appearance falls outside of the realm of what society deems beautiful.

To me, that highlights what’s really going on–he wasn’t exclusively dating women he found attractive, but rather, women that he could uphold as a status symbol. If his current fiancee is not “hot”, then his definition of “hot” is extraordinarily narrow. What kind of fantasy-Barbie nonsense checklist was he using before? Perhaps he kept ending up on all these bad dates, not because “hot” women are universally shallow and spoiled, but because his criteria was “Yep, this chick is an HB10” without pausing to discover if he actually likes her? Or if he actually even genuinely likes how she looks?

“When I started looking for women I enjoyed as people instead of women I could brag about to all my bros, my dating life improved!”

YOU DON’T SAY?

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

According to new research, Rochkind’s ideas about sexy bikini babes are correct. A multipart study from Harvard University, University of La Verne and Santa Clara University researchers found that beautiful people are more likely to be involved in unstable relationships. In one part, the researchers looked at the top 20 actresses on IMDb and found that they tend to have rocky marriages. In another, women were asked to judge the attractiveness of 238 men based on their high school yearbook photos from 30 years ago. The men who were judged to be the best-looking had higher rates of divorce.

Not that I expect even halfway decent science reporting from New York Post, but uh… Correlation isn’t causation!

“From my personal experience, people who are better looking are less likely to pursue advanced degrees, or play an instrument or learn other languages,” says Benedict Beckeld, a 37-year-old Brooklyn writer with a doctorate in philosophy and the body of an Adonis. But he’s quick to note that he’s not just a great set of abs — he also plays the violin and speaks seven languages.

By “people” he means women, right? If a woman pleases his boner, she is a sex object and to be treated as decorative. There’s no possible way beauty and brains can exist in a piece of decoration. Men, on the other hand, can have beauty and brains because they’re real humans.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

is the Post article satire or is they serious??? I seriously can’t tell

The Post is a Rupert Murdoch owned publication, so the answer is self evident.

Moggie
Moggie
3 years ago

I kept expecting that Post article to turn into an “advertising feature”. For what, I don’t know, but it had that vapid, superficial feel to it, like the soulless output of someone who used to dream of writing the next great American novel, but is now reduced to banging out 1500-word pieces pushing hair loss remedies.

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

By the OP’s logic, this YouTube channel shouldn’t exist:

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

What the fuck did I just read.

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

The “model look” is just a standard in the advertising industry. It’s not more or less attractive than other looks because people have different tastes. Whether people have awesome sex or not depends much more on sexual chemistry and honest communication anyway, not how people look.

Iseult The Idle
Iseult The Idle
3 years ago

I admit, I didn’t finish the NY Post article. I couldn’t get past that guy’s rictus grin. He looks like he learned how to smile at the dentist’s office.

But kittens! I approve of kittens, although I admit I’ll probably never live with another one. They are SO exhausting, and cats are such good company. But cute. OMG cute.

Kitten biting finger gif makes me rethink… must resist.

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

Guy who dates women half his age is saying that the women he’s dating are vapid and selfish, more at 11.

Sporkey
Sporkey
3 years ago

Wow, man meets a woman recommended from her mother who runs a matchmaking service! And look! They are engaged! Oh, and the fiancee happens to be vice president of the matchmaking company her mother owns!

SUCH COINCIDENCE.

PaganReader - Misandrist Spinster

Meeting a puppy for the first time is fine. You’re way bigger, so if you want to cuddle them, cuddling will happen.

Weatherwax, did you intend for this line to sound vaguely creepy?

Brony, Social Justice Cenobite

Piling on….

So they used to date people for looks based on objectifying social beauty standards, and they found the people they were with to be socially incompatible. That just sounds like statically likely events to me. “Cause women/female person” comes off as projection coated interpretation of experience to me (among other things).

LindsayIrene
3 years ago

Models tend to be young, in their late teens and early twenties. When I was that young, I thought I was clever by partying with ex-con outlaw bikers. They had drugs! I could work out my daddy issues by making out with the Minnesota equivalent of Merle Dixon! Motorcycle rides wheeeeeeeee! I was a dumbass. If I was as stupid now as I was then, I’d probably be dead (shut up, I know that didn’t entirely make sense).

I was also damn cute then, too. A dead ringer for Kate Winslet in ‘Holy Smoke!’ I wasn’t stupid because I was cute. I was stupid because I was very young, and I was cute because I was very young.

(Not that all people in their late teens are as dopey as I was. The resident bard of WHTM is a teen, right? Troubelle? I was nowhere near as smart as Troubelle is.)

Moggie
Moggie
3 years ago

But David, publishing an advertorial without clearly marking it as such would be dishonest, and I’m sure a quality Murdoch organ like the Post would never lower its standards that way!

Betrayer
Betrayer
3 years ago

A multipart study from Harvard University, University of La Verne and Santa Clara University researchers […] looked at the top 20 actresses on IMDb and found that they tend to have rocky marriages.

Three universities, and one of their “studies” looked at a sample size of 20 people? Give all the students involved Fs.

@Kootiepatra

If his current fiancee is not “hot”, then his definition of “hot” is extraordinarily narrow.

Didn’t you read the article? She’s 30! SHE HIT THE WALL!

Croquembouche of patriarchy
Croquembouche of patriarchy
3 years ago

@Moggie,

I kept expecting that Post article to turn into an “advertising feature”.

“I gave him my card and said I have the perfect girl for him,” recalls Janis, founder of Serious Matchmaking[.com]

Ninja’d by David!

Looks like an article based wholly on an industry press release. Or, its an article by a journalist with undisclosed links to the company.

Is it about ethics in matchmaking “journalism”?

K.
K.
3 years ago

*is distracted by all the kittehs*

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Patti Stanger from that Millionaire Matchmaker show made the matchmaking industry look shady enough already. That New York Post shill piece isn’t really helping me change my mind about that.

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

It’s basically advertising the matchmaking service to older conservative white guys who probably have a source of disposable income. The sort of people who read The New York Post, in other words.

Lady_Zombie
Lady_Zombie
3 years ago

Here’s a thought: maybe, now stay with me here, just maybe all those “super hot” but “vapid” women he used to date picked up on his weird, backward values and didn’t put any effort into conversation or interaction. Why would they? Some guy asks them out, it becomes obvious that he doesn’t give a shit about them as people, just their hotness, so why spend any effort on the douchebag?

But yeah, dude, it’s totally them and not you.

Yamara
3 years ago

@HistoryNerd

The “model look” is just a standard in the advertising industry. It’s not more or less attractive than other looks because people have different tastes.

Their take on beauty is an economy of enforced scarcity; like fiat currency, it’s entirely invented, but culturally enforced.

Also, according to the WHTM article, this channel shouldn’t exist:

Lea
Lea
3 years ago

So women who are too beautiful are shallow and have silly priorities, but clearly he requires a beautiful woman. So, he has to settle for a slightly less beautiful woman, isn’t she lucky?
But women are shallow…
Women are…
????

Meanwhile,
Natalie Portman has a graduate degree from Harvard, has been published in scientific journals, speaks 4 languages and is an activist.

Charlie Theron is an activist, producer, dancer, actress who is fluent in two languages.

Isabella Rosillini worked as a translator. She acts, produces, writes and directs. She is also an activist.

All of them have been models.

So, I guess great beauties can also be talented, passionate, interesting and intelligent.

bbz
bbz
3 years ago

Well, the truth is that I gave up most knitting due to a neurological problem; I can just about go round and round in stockinette these days. The former stash went variously to nursing homes and as pet toys. Yarn makes awesome toy.

Paradoxical Intention - Leader of the Deathclaw Damsels

There was a snippet in that article from a model who was like “It sucks that guys are more interested in you for your looks and not your personality”, and then a guy goes on and ON about how “vapid and shallow” these women are.

Srsly.

Reminds me of this:

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
3 years ago

@LindsayIrene

[after a catalogue of bad choices and worse reasons in her teenage years, during which she was beyond conventionally attractive]

(Not that all people in their late teens are as dopey as I was. The resident bard of WHTM is a teen, right? Troubelle? I was nowhere near as smart as Troubelle is.)

Can confirm, 17 and somehow in college full-time. I still make my share of silly mistakes, yeah, but I mostly keep to myself.

There was an exception today, hence my lateness. I couldn’t resist a Smash+Kart back-to-back tourney.

Nequam
Nequam
3 years ago

NY Post article summary:

comment image

Jedi Mind Tricks of the Bible
Jedi Mind Tricks of the Bible
3 years ago

Dave,
What’s your kitten n-count? The four kitties on the jeans were HB9s. A player like you giving it up…
😛
Atrocious informercial article. But seems tame compared to other stuff on the internet these days. Sigh.
Thanks! I come here for moral support or hope sometimes.

History Nerd
History Nerd
3 years ago

I think I remember reading a worse “ad feature” in the Daily Mail, but I didn’t particularly want to remember it.

Steven Dutch
Steven Dutch
3 years ago

After a couple of catless years, I crumbled under the onslaught of “I wanna kitty.” So we went to the pound. Got a little black and white one. Took it home. Decided to introduce it gently to our two poms. So I held her up so she could see them.

B-i-i-i-i-i-i-g mistake. She sank her fangs into my finger. And she was too young to have had her rabies shots. So I did the only sensible thing. Started working on a list of people to bite.

The pound was running a twofer on kittens. AKA “crazy cat lady” discount. So a few days later we got another one. This one, I just put the carrier down, opened the door, and said “Survive.” She sauntered past the dogs as if to say “What are YOU looking at?”

B&W cat is still a cynical user. If I’m lying down on my side she parks on my hip. I feel so objectified.

Bina
3 years ago

Vain guy stops dating swimsuit models because a matchmaker set him up with her still-pretty-damn-hot daughter?

Sounds legit like a trend, you guys!

(Or at least a Serious Thinkpiece. Or a serious piece of…well, SOMETHING.)

PS: My pretty kitty adopted ME. Not sure what kind of a trend that spells, but she is so sweet.

Bina
3 years ago

Also, for some odd reason, this song is in my head tonight:

GardenGallivant
GardenGallivant
3 years ago

Everyone finds this article stunningly awful about vain people now, it made The Young Turks

Name
Name
3 years ago

I also have been a cat kitten tree, up to my shoulders.
Their tiny claws…

IAmMarauder
IAmMarauder
3 years ago

If that NY Post article wasn’t satire, then whoever wrote the picture captions slipped in some worldclass sarcasm in there!

The caption in question: “Dan Rochkind used to date swimsuit models, but he’s happier now that he’s engaged to a merely beautiful woman, Carly Spindel (right).”

No matter how I try to read that the word “merely” just comes out so sarcastic and/or snarky.

As for the advertisement angle, four of the five links are to sites that aren’t necessary for the article, and name drops two other businesses for no apparent reason:
* They name Bumble instead of saying “an online dating site”
* They mention the wedding at “Wölffer Estate Vineyard in the Hamptons”

I would ask what has journalism come to, but the answer to can be found at the NY Post 😛