Why The Federalist’s attack on the so-called “Friend Zone” should creep you the hell out

Anyways, I’m gonna go Fingie Zone my cats now.

It’s Numbskull-to-English Translation Time! Are you ready? Here goes…

All of us need to start having more babies or else the upcoming demographic tsunami will consume our nation, cripple our social programs, and leave us with a future so bleak that our only source of joy will be the moment we’re chosen to receive the sweet, fatal kiss of the Obamacare Death Panels, the Trumpcare Firing Squads, or the OprahCare Hemlock Squadrons.

Translation: I’m scared shitless that non-white immigrants are going to come in and turn ME into a minority, and treat ME as poorly as white people have been treating them all this time! And, tellingly, my mind goes straight to the Nazi concentration camps for bad metaphors! Why the hell is that, I wonder?

Being caught in the Friend Zone is an inarguable drag on fertility rates, as a man who spends several years pledging his heart to a woman who will never have his children is also a man who most likely won’t procreate with anyone else during that time of incarceration. Free him to find a woman who actually wants to marry him, however, and he’ll have several more years to sire children who will laugh, create, sing, fill the world with love and, most importantly, pay into Social Security.

Translation: I, a morally prudish straight white man, am more sexually obsessed than all the minorities, whether religious, racial, sexual or genderwise, that I label as “degenerates”! And it’s all the fault of women who won’t sleep with me! Pity my sad boner!

Quite simply, for the sake of our future, the Friend Zone must be destroyed.

Translation: I have no friends, and I’m no fun at parties.

Every year, countless young men find themselves trapped in the Friend Zone, a prison where women place any man they deem worthy of their time but not their hearts, men they’d love to have dinner with but, for whatever reason, don’t want to kiss goodnight.

Translation: I am hopelessly selfish and have no idea how to BE a friend. This is why I have no friends. And this is why my boner is sad, too.

his interest in activities such as watching movies where things explode, playing video games where things explode, or putting fireworks in things so they’ll explode.

Translation: I’m so obsessed with all the nookie I’m not getting that I reach for sublimation in the form of sexual metaphors so Freudian that Freud himself would slap me upside the head for using them.

It’s not because he wants your friendship. It’s because he wants to convince you to open up the supply chain of a romantic relationship to him, and he foolishly believes he can do so by being a loyal friendship customer. “Pay my dues in the Friend Zone,” he thinks, “and one day she’ll promote me to boyfriend.”

Translation: I’m dropping niceness coins in the vending machine and pushing the button, waiting for sex to fall out. Why is no sex falling out?

Just because men don’t want to be your friend, however, doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy your company. They most certainly do. They love discovering how you see the world, what you think about life, the universe, and everything. They love your kindness, thoughtfulness, sensitivity, support, and your nurturing heart. They love being in your presence when you display the wonders of the feminine virtues.

[…]

[B]ecause God designed these [feminine] virtues to entice men into marriage, the average man will never be content to receive those gifts in a form of companionship that doesn’t lead to marriage. Quite simply, men can’t be at peace being just friends. And there’s nothing you can do to change that. Platonic chilling won’t stop your inner (and outer) beauty from pulling a man towards romantic love.

Translator’s note: Sorry, no translation here. If anyone needs me, I’ll be slumped over a toilet, vomiting.

“It’s not my fault that your facial symmetry grosses out my ovaries, but it was my fault that I got your hopes up by putting you in the Friend Zone. As restitution, please accept the phone numbers of five girls I know who find you attractive. Stop wasting your time with me and go hang out with a girl who might one day bear your children.”

Translator’s note: Literally no woman EVER says anything like this to a guy who’s pestering her for sex. Especially since most of our male friends AREN’T pestering us for sex, since they’re either content to do without and simply enjoy our company on its own merits, or are already partnered and don’t need us to set them up. And if they DO need us to set them up, it’s amazing how up-front many of them are about it, and say something like, “Hey, do you have any single friends?” or “Your friend Susie So-and-so is cute. Do you think she’d go out with me?”

In short: We don’t have to make this kind of offer, and that’s a good thing. Because if we ever did, the guy would probably look at us like we’d lost our minds. And quite rightly.

if you find your guy friend attractive, and if you see him as a man of character and heart, then call him right now and tell him that he was placed in the Friend Zone due to a clerical error. Say to him, “You make me laugh and would be a great husband and father. Clearly, you need to be on the express track to the Marriage Zone.”

Translator’s note: Again, this is something literally no one ever says. Because the guy would look at us like we’d just confessed to being a robotic alien lizard invader, or something like that.

So get brave. Get married. Get pregnant a bunch of times and give birth to a bunch of beautiful little future taxpayers. The time has come to fight for our future. The time has come to rebuild America’s demographic glory atop the rubble of the fertility-killing Friend Zone.

Translation: I’m really, REALLY afraid of boatloads of non-white immigrants coming in and making a minority of me. I don’t know where these hypothetical little white future taxpayers are going to get jobs that will pay enough wages to be taxable, especially since robots are about to take them all. I just want all you white chicks to get pregnant incessantly and wing it so I don’t feel like the only stupidly insecure white guy around, all right?

Translator’s note: Phew. That was EXHAUSTING. Being inside these guys’ heads is worse than a migraine.

women aren’t beset by constant movies where we “get” the male friend after being in the semi mythical Friend Zone.

The only one I can even think of right now is Some Kind of Wonderful. Even that’s a little different than the standard friend zone story. Amanda isn’t portrayed as an asshole. She’s a sympathetic character. We’re not meant to think she’s evil from derailing Keith and Watts from getting together. The story is also mostly told from Keith’s perspective. The audience is meant for him to want to “get” Amanda until we discover along with him that she’s not the one. Keith is never portrayed as a shallow asshole for wanting the beautiful popular girl instead of the tomboyish best friend.

If this dude had only written an article addressed to the men who think they’ve been friend zoned telling them to stop lying to people who think of them as friends and move on, it would have been fine. But noooo, women have to manage men’s emotions all the time, even when the men in question are supposedly actively lying about what they want.

For the Dragon Age fans interested in behind the scenes stuff, Laura K. Buzz wrote an article about the creation of Krem and how consultants really helped his backstory because holy crap was his backstory before bad wow.

I feel like I’ve been mortally insulted. I’ve been talked down to by a Lutheran pastor who insists I can’t think with any organ but my dick, and implied that I’m lesser for prizing empathy and kindness in myself and other men.

I’d feel skeeved out by his creepy interest in my girlfriend’s and my potential future children…but my girlfriend’s not white, so I doubt he’d care.

Oh, Mark. You do know that the manosphere neither invented the friendzone concept or the concept of women being made by God to be baby makers, right?

Oh…oh geez, I was totally misreading Mark’s comment. I thought it was called the “Dark Enlightenment” because it involved the Eurocentric destruction of human reason and making the whole world a substantially dimmer place.

@ numerobis

give birth to a bunch of beautiful little future taxpayers

What the ever-loving fuck is this?

Well, there’s your problem right there! Who ever heard of sex for love rather than clinical economic procreation?

First, Japan is good for creative freedom of artistic expression , but it is — to use your own terms — “problematic” for a social security system. The worst case scenario is that the purebred Japanese wil actually be functionally extinct as a race and a nation in as soon as a century or so, give or take a couple of decades, because ever fewer people are breeding or even pairbonding. Even right now, it is already an inverted population pyramid!

Second, why not, hypothetically speaking, the cyborg hybrid progeny of men and machines (and women and machines as well, Technology can be progressively inclusive too you know) would have much more efficient and efficacious metabolisms and mentalities than traditional humans, so they could indeed work the multiple shifts on multiple jobs to make up for the gap in the labor workforce, the slack in the consumer market, and the deficit in the taxpayer base.

Every year, countless young men find themselves trapped in the Friend Zone, a prison where women place any man they deem worthy of their time but not their hearts, men they’d love to have dinner with but, for whatever reason, don’t want to kiss goodnight.

My father subscribed to a Christian magazine that instructed us that young people who were dating should not, I repeat not, kiss — unless and until they were engaged.

Now I’m all confused.

Call him up and tell him, “It’s not my fault that your facial symmetry grosses out my ovaries, but it was my fault that I got your hopes up by putting you in the Friend Zone. As restitution, please accept the phone numbers of five girls I know who find you attractive. Stop wasting your time with me and go hang out with a girl who might one day bear your children.”

Five? Five! That guy doesn’t need any help at all.

If you find your guy friend attractive, and if you see him as a man of character and heart, then call him right now and tell him that he was placed in the Friend Zone due to a clerical error. Say to him, “You make me laugh and would be a great husband and father. Clearly, you need to be on the express track to the Marriage Zone.”

There’s no way that would scare him off.

“Demographic tsunami?” Dude, no. You sound like Steve King. No mention of race, but there didn’t need to be: American demographics aren’t sagging, they’re changing. If this worries you, friendzone jokester, you might as well admit you’re actually worrying about “white genocide.”

@Troubelle

I assume that this is the connection, although it does seem that she was joking:

Oprah Winfrey Entertains Idea of Running for President

http://variety.com/2017/biz/news/oprah-winfrey-president-donald-trump-1201999846/

The minister-author is afraid of people who don’t look like him.

Humbug, you fuckwit,

You made the claim that hetero male sexuality is being harmed by feminazis censoring Japanese media though.

Here

these matters of de-sexifying self-censorship do matter to us. It obviously does not matters at all to you, but then again you are either not heterosexual males or if you are, not the ones with an appreciation for 2d female sexiness. But for those of us who do have such an appreciation, it is another one of those things that can and may still continue to give us joy and happiness, pleasure and satisfaction, meaning and purpose in our lives and existences. And for us to be unfairly and unjustly denied and deprived of it because of you, for whatever your selfish and cruel reasons are, can only be most frustrating and infuriating in the extreme. Would a visual aesthete like it if the world suddenly became all black-and-white or all colors came in only single-shades or would an aural aesthete like it if the world became all silence and white noise or all sounds came in only single-notes? Would a gourmet like it if all food became pills and all beverages became lukewarm water or all flavors came in single-degrees? Sexually speaking, that is such a world , in the context of mass media, that you are surely and steadily causing to come into being with your heterosexual sex-negativism, at least to what you call standard CIS heterosexual males. Could it be that a reason for this, at least for the female nerds who are the bulk of such a movement, is that unable to easily experience sexual satisfaction, if at all, for whatever reasons (it’s a universal medical fact that as a general rule, human females are not capable of either experiencing physical orgasm at all — whether vaginal or clitoral — or if they can , not as often as human males) you seek to deny and deprive male nerds of their own capability? Ah, the fruits of female envy towards males, such a bitter harvest for humanity is the result!

and here

Second, for all your talk about making things “better”, the exact opposite is happening and things are inevitably only getting worse in the West because creators and publishers are now self-censoring and self-inhibiting themselves, reducing and lessening artistic and cultural expression and diversity and he target audience satisfaction of the traditional consumer base, at least for heterosexual male nerds (except maybe for those perverts who masochistically like to be dominated and ill-treated by females) , and you noisemaker busybodies are the ultimate cause of such an anhedonic tragedy!

I even bolded for you!

So, if feminazi SJWs are censoring sexy media and killing male libidos in the “west” and Japan is sex positive and kind towards male heterosexuality, why is that say, USian or British men are having more sex and are more interested in sex than Japanese men?

Humbug, one of Japan’s problems is the stupid ideas of racial purity that still float around in official policy. Just look at the nonsense Japan born Koreans have to go through, even though their families have lived in Japan for several generations. The youngest generation in particular may be ethnically Korean but are primarily culturally Japanese, whatever their individual legal status. Meanwhile the extreme difficulties for non-Japanese to acquire Japanese citizenship risk creating an increasing pool of guest workers who have no real loyalty to Japan, and who have no interest in becoming participants in Japanese culture.