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macho macho men masculinity

What the hell kind of sexual facts is Dr. Lawton teaching these men anyway?

I hate the f*ckin eagles, man

So I’m kind of obsessed with the images of burly men in peril that you find on the covers of vintage men’s magazines. One of the things that makes these old covers so charming, aside from the completely ridiculous animal attacks depicted on them, is that the cover art doesn’t always match the headlines that appear on top of it.

And so you get things like the above, clipped from an old Stag magazine cover. You can see the entire cover here; once there, right-click and pick “open link” for the high-res version.

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Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
7 years ago

Gives a whole new meaning to ‘getting in touch with nature’…

Ooglyboggles
Ooglyboggles
7 years ago

“Eagle stop attacking me! I only want to poach your chicks when I’m rock climbing!”

Gummo Trotsky
Gummo Trotsky
7 years ago

“Male eagles get really pissed off if they come home and catch you trying to get it on with their mates.” – Dr Shailer Upton Lawton

A Rose for Emily
A Rose for Emily
7 years ago

My first thought on seeing that image is that the man is doomed: the eagle is already inside his guard and swooping; he’ll probably rip out the guy’s eyes and/or tear out his throat with his talons in another 0.3 seconds.

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
7 years ago

Angry eagle vs men’s adventurer mag man. That’s a combination found in nature, yep.

Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
7 years ago

My personal favorite sex tip: never let a hungry vampire give you a blowjob.

Schnookums Von Fancypants, GloboThermoNuclearHomo
Schnookums Von Fancypants, GloboThermoNuclearHomo
7 years ago

See, the problem here is we’re looking at this picture the wrong way. Clearly the man has already had sex with the Eagle, and the chicks in the nest are his. The Eagle is attacking him because he was trying to get a paper abortion and she wants to divorce-rape his wallet so she can sit around all day doing nothing but watching television and eating bonbons.

Also, what sort of name is “Bald” Eagle? Everyone knows that men go bald way more often than women do. It’s like an Illuminati of Misandry! Wheels within Wheels!

Buttercup Q. Skullpants

I love that it’s “Sexual Facts”, not “Sex Tips”. The goal isn’t to improve, it’s just to be even more of a bore at parties.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
7 years ago

@ David F

You should get a rug for your blog. It’d really pull the site together.

Slutty Miss Havisham Penguin briefly known as Nady
Slutty Miss Havisham Penguin briefly known as Nady
7 years ago

Why am I picturing the headline “10 ways to excite your eagle mate” Maybe I spent too much time on the internet…..

hippielady
hippielady
7 years ago

@PI You made me snort-laugh 😀

bekabot
bekabot
7 years ago

An eagle is a rather noble animal to meet in this context. Usually the man-hating critters of the stag-mag covers were of a more lowly variety…like chipmunks or minks.

bekabot
bekabot
7 years ago

@ Alan Robertshaw

“Alvin the Alpha”

Kat
Kat
7 years ago

@Alan
“Aaal-vin!” When I was a kid, I got such a kick out of the Chipmunks every holiday season. I loved their childish anarchy.

++++++++

What I’d like to know is what the mountain climber said to the eagle to infuriate her. Dude, learn how to talk to eagles and you’ll have no problem with them!

occasional reader
occasional reader
7 years ago

Hello.

Well, according to the cover, the story is “Man alone” (some kind of survival), so it is a man climbing alone a mountain, fighting an eagle, spanking a monkey, whatever.
And maybe the sexual facts are genuine facts, like : do not pull too hard the hair of your balls, it hurts ; do not try to use string and weights to elongate your penis, it just hurts ; do not try to “muscle it up”, cause it is the relaxation of the crotch muscle that allows the blood to flow correctly, a bigger muscle just make it more difficult ; your semen is not a magical substance that makes your partner have an orgasm just by its contact ; if you are hard since more than 4 hours, go to the emergencies ; and so on.
This kind of book being totally realist and professionnal, i am absolutely sure this is this kind of advices and facts, and not machoto degrading spurious counsels.

Have a nice day.

Christina Nordlander, Keyboard Battlesister
Christina Nordlander, Keyboard Battlesister
7 years ago
Ledasmom
Ledasmom
7 years ago

He appears to be attacking the eagle with a pen. I appreciate the metaphor, but I believe I would have gone with the sword.

Kat
Kat
7 years ago

OT

The Guardian has a new documentary on Internet trolls. So far, I’ve watched only a few minutes, but it looks good:

https://www.theguardian.com/world/ng-interactive/2017/mar/10/the-internet-warriors-meet-the-trolls-in-their-own-homes-video

Moggie
Moggie
7 years ago

Kat, I haven’t watched that video yet, being at work, but the Internet warriors quoted in the article are such charmers! Such as the first guy:

Jackson’s primary concern is immigration: he believes Britain will “fall apart” under the weight of refugees. “I really don’t care where they are from, or which war they are fleeing.” What makes it worse, he says, and the reason he is particularly angry at the government, is that it cost him so much to bring over his Thai wife. “I had to pay thousands to get my wife here from Thailand. Her visa only lasts for six months, and then she has to go back. And then we have to do the same thing all over again.”

And the accompanying photo is exactly as you’d imagine. It’s like these people are all from Central Troll Casting. Although the last one provides some hope.

Gussie Jives
Gussie Jives
7 years ago

@Kat

I’ve asked for a Spotlight level look at the inner lives of internet trolls and I think I got it (or at least the start of it). I mean, the photos that accompany the article just says it all, doesn’t it? Just the saddest schlubs industrialized capitalism can poop onto the information superhighway. Weaponized ignorance, immunity to cognitive dissonance, Dunning-Kruger, flagrant hypocrisy and stunning lack of self-awareness… it’s in all these people in spades.

I was hoping for more of these kind of stories to find some solution to this issue, and I was always of the opinion that easing the economic burden would give these people fulfilling enough lives that they don’t have to make others miserable for their own satisfaction. The last few months have had me questioning that conclusion.

What was it the wildlife refuge guy said on The Simpsons? “Like people, some of them are… just… jerks.”