Men! Beware of sneaky sexy ladies trying to HARVEST YOUR MALE GAZE!!!1!

Fellas! Has this ever happened to you?

You’re at the grocery store, stocking up on Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew, when all of a sudden you discover a human female in the middle of the Frozen Food aisle with her shopping cart. You point out that she is blocking your access to the T.G.I.Friday’s Cream Cheese Poppers; she apologizes and moves out of your way.

Seems innocent enough, right? NOT SO FAST. This lady may have just HARVESTED YOUR MALE GAZE for her own nefarious purposes, using her ability to get your attention to “wield …power over you for narcissistic or material gain.”

According to Gynocentrism.com publisher Peter Wright, writing for Men’s Rights hate site A Voice for Men, this lady may have been using a SEEKRIT FEMALE TRICK known as THE BLOCKADE.

This happens when you are the target of a woman who wants to slow you down and make you absorb her presence. She will stand in the doorway, middle of the footpath, or in the shopping center aisle sometimes aided by a shopping trolley which she leaves strategically placed across the aisle.

Sneaky sneaky!

If done well, this forces an interaction: “Excuse me, I’ll just move your trolley so I can get past,” to which she replies “Oh, I’m so sorry,” while flashing her most attractive features at you – her favorite dress, beautifully shampoo’d hair, or that smile she was famed for in high school.

Damn these wily females and their habit of REGULARLY WASHING THEIR HAIR.

And this is but one of many sneaky male-gaze-harvesting techniques practiced by the modern female.

Men’s Rights Activists have long argued that women secretly control men using the hypnotic power of their sexy,sexy bodies. Warren Farrell, the intellectual godfather of the Men’s Rights movement, famously suggested in his 1993 book The Myth of Male Power that women in the workplace use “miniskirt power” and “cleavage power” to get the better of their male bosses.

When it came time a couple of years ago to pick a new picture for the latest edition of this book, Farrell couldn’t quite decide which sexy female body part he wanted to highlight, ultimately settling on an arty picture of a woman’s butt, apparently the fundamental source of female power over hapless lady-butt-loving men.

But as Wright makes clear, women have much more than butts in their, er, arsenal. Sneaky women can “harvest” the male gaze by:

Wearing brightly colored “hats, shawls and scarfs … with the wearers settling for nothing less than complete molestation from every set of eyes in the immediate vicinity.”

Using eye-catching accessories to draw male attention — from handbags to dogs and children. Yes, that’s right. You may have assumed that the woman you saw walking down the street this morning with a small child in tow was simply, you know, being a parent, but in reality she may have been trying to SWIPE YOUR MALE GAZE.

[C]hildren can be fawned over, or chastised, just as a target male walks by, where mother will say “Don’t let that nice man see you eating candy” or “Don’t get in the way of the nice man or you might get hurt.”

I’ll take “sentences never actually uttered by any human female for $400, Alex.”

Walking down the street without even so much as glancing in your direction. Yep, it may look like she doesn’t give two shits about you, but smart men know better! Especially if the woman in question HAS ARMS and is wearing CLOTHING and SHOES.

Strutting gorgeously, exuding self-sufficiency with an I-don’t-need-a-man look, the strutter has mastered the art of appearing disinterested in attention, while making a distracting physical display of swinging arms, loudly clopping heels, eye catching attire, and a chin-in-the-air look that begs a second glance from the target males.

But wait, you ask, if these strutting women aren’t looking at the men whose attention they want, how can she tell if she’s HARVESTED THEIR GAZES? It’s all done with mirrors. Or at least with shop windows. Wright claims that women tend to use the

Look At Me Strut … in central business district [sic] where she assiduously scans shopfront windows to capture all those reflected male gazes that her empowered strutting dreams of capturing. Her skill at using shopfront windows to look at both herself and the reflected faces of those gazing at her rises up to an artform that allows her to look sideways and yet not trip over when having little focus on the road ahead.

HOW DEVIOUS ARE THESE SNEAKY SIRENS OF CENTRAL BUSINESS DISTRICT?

Other male-gaze-harvesting tricks include: Talking loudly (with friends) talking loudly (to no one in particular), gesturing, and of course “bamboozaling with boobs.” Strangely, Wright omits the old “drop the handkerchief” ploy, which is totally a real thing that doesn’t just happen in old black and white comedies.

Stay safe out there, boys!