Categories
alpha asshole cock carousel alt-right antifeminism empathy deficit entitled babies heartiste irony alert men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny

Pickup artist blows the lid off of Valentine’s day with really, really long sentence

Filthy slut! I blame Cultural Marxism

In the midst of all the excitement yesterday, I kind of forgot to do any Valentine’s Day posts. So I’m going to make up for that with a POST-VALENTINE’S DAY 50% OFF SALE ON BELATED VALENTINE’S DAY POSTS.

First up, everyone’s favorite Naziesque pickup artist, the adult human man who actually calls himself Heartiste. Mr. H thinks it’s hilarious that some random single lady on Craigslist posted an ad in hopes of finding a date for Valentine’s Day.

After quoting her fairly innocuous message seeking a fella to “meet for coffee and just talk about life and things,” Heartiste lays into Valentine’s day itself, lamenting that the once-special day has allegedly changed from a celebration of “couples [rejoicing] in their love” into a holiday that

has had to bend to the new reality of pump and dumps, flings, the extended cock carousel ride, delayed marriage, and late in life marriage.

Then he unleashes this sentence, a doozy even by his standards.

So V Day has morphed into a convenient, plausibly deniable excuse for these future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves in the hope they’ll get banged out by cads or showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward with full aching balls after doing their last ditch V-date duty and cheering up a studio apartment slut who’s experiencing a bout of regret and timetable disorientation in between cock hops.

Here’s a fun game: Try reading it out loud in one breath, and see how far you get!

I only made it up to “showered.”

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

83 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
numerobis
numerobis
4 years ago

You need to work on your circular breathing. Also swimming I gather is good for improving your lung capacity.

Iseult The Idle
Iseult The Idle
4 years ago

If she’s such a slut, why is he trudging home with full balls?

I don’t mind the ostensible slur as much as the inconsistency of his world view.

keb
keb
4 years ago

Prouder than ever to be a studio-apartment cat-lady slut if it gets these guys so enraged.

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
4 years ago

What is timetable disorientation?

EJ (Marxist Jazz Weasel)

full aching balls

He may want to see a doctor about that.

Morgaine le Fée
Morgaine le Fée
4 years ago

Questions:

1) why do those Pua fantasize so often about “cock carousels”?
2) what’s wrong with cat ladies?
3) are there really no cat lords in this world? (I can’t believe it)

Austin Loomis
4 years ago

I took advantage of the comma between “convenient” and “plausibly”. Does that constitute cheating?

Tara the Antisocial Social Worker
Tara the Antisocial Social Worker
4 years ago

delayed marriage, and late in life marriage.

Aren’t those the same thing?

iknklast
iknklast
4 years ago

What is timetable disorientation

I’m guessing that’s what used to be called (and still is in most places) biological clock, wherein a “girl” gets to be all hot and bothered if she reaches the age of 23 or so without having managed to reproduce. Because women are, by nature, baby machines, and these women are violating nature by not having babies, so it will come in an torture them. Serves them right for being unwilling to date (and bang) those PUAs that have been sniffing and panting around them.

iknklast
iknklast
4 years ago

Edited to add:

By the way, the above isn’t my own thoughts; I am just trying to get into their heads. (Ugh – need shower)

leftwingfox
leftwingfox
4 years ago

If she’s such a slut, why is he trudging home with full balls?

Because “slut” means “has sex with someone other than me.”

JS
JS
4 years ago

*sigh* “full aching balls” The good old blue balls hoax is back. Actual soreness is much less likely than “I’m making this up because I want you to think it’s an actual problem and have sex”.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

I have so many thoughts about this article

The most important one is how gosh darn adorable those 1950’s chibi postcards can be. Just cute!

Then, like, really? Valentines’ Day was never about the celebration of pure, innocent love. I mean, sure, when you were in kindergarten and stuff, but the actual holiday is a crass commercial ploy to force people to go to restaurants and movies. It’s a ridiculous guilt trip from Corporate America to you.

Then, I mean, what Iseult said, really. The inconsistency is breathtaking. So, the white knight spengler beta mangina cuck (I can never keep up with their terms) is showering sluts with sexless attention, and then sad because he isn’t getting any sex? Uh, duh, dude, if you aren’t giving signals that you want sex, maybe that’s the reason you aren’t getting sex? I mean, heaven forfend that the Trampy McFucksalot might consider a night of “sexless attention” an indication that someone is actually, I dunno, interested in being her friend?

I realize that friendship is an alien concept to you, Mr. Heartiste, but I can tell you on good authority that when two people – regardless of relative genders and sexual orientations – spend an evening chatting with one another, there’s a good chance that they may both consider it a positive experience! ‘Cause – guess what – not every fuckin’ dude is interested in nothing but sex! ‘Cause women are human beings that are worthy of friendship! You goose-stepping howler monkey!

Whew! That was fun. Man, what a clown.

Jesalin
Jesalin
4 years ago

Valentines’ Day was never about the celebration of pure, innocent love. I mean, sure, when you were in kindergarten and stuff, but the actual holiday is a crass commercial ploy to force people to go to restaurants and movies. It’s a ridiculous guilt trip from Corporate America to you.

Both my partner and I agree completely. We prefer to ignore Valentines’ Day.

Austin Loomis
4 years ago

@PoM: I think “timetable disorientation” is what this howling hunk of manhood is warning about (CW: post contains “harmony with biological and psychological realities” and also praise of Camille Paglia):

Do you hear that soft, slow ticking sound? That’s your biological clock. You’ve probably tried to muffle it with wine and Xanax, fluoxetine, cat fur, and Buzzfeed articles, but everyone else can hear it too, and it’s getting louder…

@Morgaine:
1) Because they’re that sad that everyone else has had more sex than them.
2) Nothing.
3) Plenty, but they escape getting called that because #notallmen.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

I present to you…

The Cat Lord

http://i.imgur.com/sZ9Rt.jpg

Paradoxical Intention: Resident Cheeseburger Slut

Let’s get something out of the way: I, as an individual, think that Valentine’s Day is nice. However, I also think that it’s an over-hyped, over commercialized holiday that serves an excuse to do something that you should be doing year-round anyways, which is celebrating the person you love and doing nice things for them.

I fully support the holiday that is February 15th though, which is known as Half-Priced Chocolate Day. Happy Half-Priced Chocolate day, everyone!

Now that that’s been said, let’s get to business:

So V Day has morphed into a convenient, plausibly deniable excuse for these future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves in the hope they’ll get banged out by cads

TIL that asking to meet a dude for coffee and a chat (her words) is apparently “crassly advertising [yourself] in the hope [you’ll] get banged out by cads”.

It never ceases to amaze me how people like Weidmann will attempt to make money off of a woman’s “sluttiness” and willingness to fuck, and in the same breath deride her and demean her for it.

And then turn around and insist that all those men she’s fucking are the “bad” men. Obviously. They’re the Nice Guys™, don’t’cha know?

Not only that, but they’ll fully project sluttiness onto a woman solely to be an asshole about her. Where did that woman say she was DTF? She said she just wanted coffee and a chat.

Ah, but I forget: Everything a woman does is for sex or (men’s) money, and that’s bad.

So, Weidmann, which is it? Is sluttiness bad because reasons, or is it good because that way your suckers customers get laid?

or showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas

“Gullible” apparently means that “Lol, that feeemale didn’t want to sex you, you fell for her stupid trap like a stupid beta!”

Nevermind that she explicitly stated in her ad that she just wanted coffee and a chat. Nowhere in her ad did she say she wanted sex.

But, of course, Wiedmann being a PUA, he seems to think that all women want sex. And that’s bad because that makes women slutty-slut-sluts. But good because he can then blame that for anything bad he does to them. But bad because women shouldn’t be slutty-slut-sluts. But good because he can make money off of it. But bad because women shouldn’t want to have sex.

all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails

She said she wanted coffee.

so that they can trudge homeward with full aching balls

If the pain’s that bad, perhaps you should see a doctor. Or just masturbate. There’s nothing wrong with masturbating.

I don’t see why we need to blame a woman or make a woman feel guilty that a man didn’t get to orgasm. If she didn’t want to fuck him, then that’s something he needs to deal with on his own time.

after doing their last ditch V-date duty and cheering up a studio apartment slut who’s experiencing a bout of regret and timetable disorientation in between cock hops.

TIL: Having a studio apartment makes you a slut.

But, then again, Weidmann thinks everything women do makes them sluts. Breathing around a man and not fucking them makes them a slut. Being nice to a man makes them a slut. Fucking A SINGULAR MAN makes them a slut. Fucking no men makes them a slut. Fucking another woman makes them a slut.

It’s literally impossible to not be a slut to these men, ladies. So, fuck who you want and you just keep doing you. These men will think you’re a slut anyways, and let’s face it, their opinions of you aren’t that important.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

@Scild

Catfucius?

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

@Scildfreja

I thought that was Urist McCatbeard?

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

extended cock carousel ride

The director’s cut. With 45 minutes of deleted scenes!

V Day

Beale?

future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4zDle1hu7o

banged out by cads

Ruffians and scallawags too, or just cads?

showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas

Ladies… 😏

full aching balls

K, I’ve been hearing this for like a decade and a half now. This can’t be real, can it? Like, they obviously don’t literally turn blue… Is incel nut pain a serious problem? Is there a cure?

in between cock hops

So, a 1950s dance party where everyone leaves their penes (if they have em) out thru their zipper the whole time. My brain won’t let me read/imagine this any other way

lith
lith
4 years ago

@Morgaine:

3) are there really no cat lords in this world?

I know the answer to this one!
Yes! Yes there are! I know one.

Glad I could help

Jesalin
Jesalin
4 years ago

@PI

However, I also think that it’s an over-hyped, over commercialized holiday that serves an excuse to do something that you should be doing year-round anyways, which is celebrating the person you love and doing nice things for them.

That is essentially our (my partner and I) viewpoint in a nutshell.

I fully support the holiday that is February 15th though, which is known as Half-Priced Chocolate Day. Happy Half-Priced Chocolate day, everyone!

Seconded!

Jesalin
Jesalin
4 years ago

(Sorry for the double post, edit window ran out)

@PI

So, fuck who you want and you just keep doing you.

That’s what toys are for after all 🙂

Anne Lewis, Jib Creatr
Anne Lewis, Jib Creatr
4 years ago

pump and dumps

http://imgur.com/48iAkMl.jpg

extended cock carousel ride

http://imgur.com/TgEKqXE.jpg

So V Day has morphed into a convenient, plausibly deniable excuse for these future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves in the hope they’ll get banged out by cads or showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward with full aching balls after doing their last ditch V-date duty and cheering up a studio apartment slut who’s experiencing a bout of regret and timetable disorientation in between cock hops.

http://imgur.com/Ns5ew24.jpg

PeeVee the (Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Noice) Sarcastic
4 years ago

Honestly, what doesn’t set this asshole off?

lith
lith
4 years ago

@PI:

I fully support the holiday that is February 15th though, which is known as Half-Priced Chocolate Day. Happy Half-Priced Chocolate day, everyone!

And this was the point in the thread I went to the shop. Apparently my shop doesn’t celebrate this day. I was disappointed. So I bought chocolate and beer.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

@SFHC, Troubelle, the search for “cat lord” was surprisingly fruitful. This one isn’t related, but I think David needs to borrow it for an article sometime:

http://68.media.tumblr.com/384964e5e4527a7d4fb88393b697e42d/tumblr_noo3f11bMM1rxxex2o1_500.gif

It never ceases to amaze me how people like Weidmann will attempt to make money off of a woman’s “sluttiness” and willingness to fuck, and in the same breath deride her and demean her for it.

And then turn around and insist that all those men she’s fucking are the “bad” men. Obviously. They’re the Nice Guys™, don’t’cha know?

Ain’t that part just fun? It’s absolutely ridiculous. Women want to fuck, but only want men that hate them – men who are nice to them are to be squeezed for their resources (precious, precious manganese…) Meanwhile, all men want to fuck every woman they meet, but all the nice guys get shot down – so these assholes decide to be assholes. And then they complain about women being too stuck up to have sex with them!

Why, it’s almost as if their perspective on the world is completely wrong, or something!

banged out by cads

Every time one of these jerks decides to use the term “banged out”, I think of a blacksmith sinking and planishing a woman’s vagina, like the world’s worst gynecological exam. These labia were forged in the fires of Mt. Doom!

So, a 1950s dance party where everyone leaves their penes (if they have em) out thru their zipper the whole time. My brain won’t let me read/imagine this any other way

That’s got to be the floppiest sock hop I’ve ever seen.

Wow, I’m in a ridiculous mood today.

dlouwe
dlouwe
4 years ago

These labia were forged in the fires of Mt. Doom!

That would look awesome on a cross stitch.

mywall
mywall
4 years ago

So, a 1950s dance party where everyone leaves their penes (if they have em) out thru their zipper the whole time. My brain won’t let me read/imagine this any other way

This inspired me to poetry:

Flesh, zip and movement,
Not a good plan in theory,
Reality hurts.

I didn’t say anything about good poetry.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
4 years ago

@Scildfreja Unnýðnes Stop making me ‘corpse’ at work! 😀

Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
4 years ago
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@mywall
Come on, baby. Let’s do The Twist *cringe*

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

How do you spend $100 on cocktails? I go to restaurants that serve $10- $12 martinis from time to time. They’re huge and full of booze. I have a high tolerance and can only drink two of those in a sitting. Even two people should not rack up that big a bill on just drinks.

eli
eli
4 years ago

TIL: Having a studio apartment makes you a slut.

Yeah, that studio apartment leapt out at me, too. I guess having the bed right out there in the middle of everything like anyone uses a bed for anything other than cock hopping. So slutty.

And I’m one of those weird people who doesn’t really care for chocolate or sugary sweets, so Valentine’s Day has always been uncomfortable for me. Why do so many people keep pushing after, ‘no, thanks’?

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

I’ll take your chocolates, Eli!

In fact, I’m going to Godiva after work to check for sale chocolate. I think that’s probably misandry and slutitude even though I’m paying with my own money. I’ll probably get some for my grandmother too. She just sluttily sits around reading mysteries and breathing from an oxygen tank. Oh, the horrors of February 14th!

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

How do you spend $100 on cocktails? I go to restaurants that serve $10- $12 martinis from time to time. They’re huge and full of booze. I have a high tolerance and can only drink two of those in a sitting. Even two people should not rack up that big a bill on just drinks.

Didn’t you know, @WWTH? All women only go to the high class poshy-posh New York Fifth Street clüb where a glass of water is $15. No other women exist!

And all men are beta mangina cucks who go there to drop hundos on floozies that won’t put out, the tramps.

Except the hero, of course. he goes to the clüb with his stubbly unshaved face and his tattered jeans and leather jacket, and he sneers at the floozies, and they all fall over themselves for this mysterious stranger.

I’m not sure what happens after that, that’s when I fell asleep in the theatre, because jeeby creeby is this movie bad. Fifty Shades of Bleagh.

eli
eli
4 years ago

I’ll take your chocolates, Eli!

Perfect solution! 🙂

Paradoxical Intention: Resident Cheeseburger Slut

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee | February 15, 2017 at 2:06 pm
How do you spend $100 on cocktails? I go to restaurants that serve $10- $12 martinis from time to time. They’re huge and full of booze. I have a high tolerance and can only drink two of those in a sitting. Even two people should not rack up that big a bill on just drinks.

Maybe our Hero, The Beta Mangina, isn’t spending all this money on ONE woman, but rather is going above and beyond the Call of Katie, and is blowing money on multiple money-sucking vaginas, all in the vain hope that someday, one of them might give him (and his poor, neglected peen) a taste of that butter goo.

…I can’t keep doing this, I’m sorry (not sorry).

Dalillama : Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles.
Dalillama : Shepherd of Demonic Crocodiles.
4 years ago

@Axe, mywall

That’s what button flies are for, sillies.

bekabot
bekabot
4 years ago

I know this ground has already been covered, but…

gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward

(etc., etc.)

1. You do realize this was an advertisement for a date for coffee, right? And you do realize that coffee is not booze? And you do realize that coffee has an effect somewhat opposite to the effect booze has, and that everybody knows it? And you do realize that a date like this would naturally be set in a coffeeshop — and that coffeeshops are among the most asexual environments known to humankind, fast-food restaurants aside? So, you do realize that this is a very tentative move on this woman’s part (and that it was meant to be tentative from the start)? Right?

2. And you do realize that the woman, having been the one who placed the ad, would, in this situation, most likely be the person paying for the coffee, and for any of the incidental snacks? Not so?

Glad I could clear that up…

(I know, I know. I’m still naive, in certain ways. I still expect facts to matter.)

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Crooked Nasty Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Crooked Nasty Social Justice Necromancer
4 years ago

If she’s such a slut, why is he trudging home with full balls?

Right?! It’s like calling someone a drunk because they won’t try your craft beer–I know, imperfect analogy but I hope it serves.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

Maybe our Hero, The Beta Mangina, isn’t spending all this money on ONE woman, but rather is going above and beyond the Call of Katie, and is blowing money on multiple money-sucking vaginas, all in the vain hope that someday, one of them might give him (and his poor, neglected peen) a taste of that butter goo.

They speak of a legend…

the hero that Katie foretold…

…the One Man Cock Carousel!

[Coming Summer 2017]

numerobis
numerobis
4 years ago

My sweetheart misses the cats. So she’s a *past* cat-lady with a studio apartment.

I’m a cat lord, seven years and counting. One of them is right behind me, sleeping, like she does when I’m working at home. I don’t know where the other one is, probably just sleeping behind the fridge where it’s warm and safe.

I did *not* get my sweetheart (nor my sweet kitties) chocolates and flowers for Valentine’s. Instead, I told my business partner that I was moving, and to prepare to transition me out of the business. Scary.

Hambeast (fan of diversity)
Hambeast (fan of diversity)
4 years ago

Paradoxy said

Nevermind that she explicitly stated in her ad that she just wanted coffee and a chat. Nowhere in her ad did she say she wanted sex.

Do people (okay, female-identifying people) do that a lot? I mean, outside of sites that are just for hooking up.

That’s something I would never mention in an ad; I’d want to size the other person up for suitability, compatibility, and willingness before making that decision. Besides, even before I ever found this place, I knew that there are Nice Guys (TM) who would take it as a promise and not a possibility.

Alytron
Alytron
4 years ago
numerobis
numerobis
4 years ago

As for sore balls, from Blue Ball to Intercourse is only a quarter-hour or so, and Paradise follows shortly after:
https://www.google.ca/maps/dir/Blue+Ball,+Pennsylvania,+USA/Intercourse,+Pennsylvania,+USA/Paradise,+PA,+United+States

I’ve never felt any soreness in the balls from *not* ejaculating. Too frequent ejaculation brings on temporary soreness. It’s not something men typically talk about honestly, so I don’t know if mileage varies.

Perhaps the reason I never get the sore single balls is that even if I’m celibate for whatever reason, either masturbation or wet dreams will put an end to dry runs. One of those I don’t even really have to be in the mood.

JS
JS
4 years ago

These particular (PUA) men are definitely not talking honestly about ball soreness. One of the things sex ed classes really need to mention, “blue balls” as used by immature teenagers and other immature people, is not a real problem, nor does it need to be “helped” by immediate sex.

It’s my firm (ha) belief that “sore blue balls” is code for “desperately horny for sex”.

dlouwe
dlouwe
4 years ago

I can definitively say that blueballs (specifically – getting sore balls from getting aroused and not subsequently having an orgasm) is entirely bogus. There’s many ways to get sore balls, and maybe some of them have at some points coincided with the blueballs “circumstance”, but it’s really just not a thing.

Some Guy
Some Guy
4 years ago

I’m going to assume that whenever he says “V Day” he actually means “Vox Day”

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@Dali

That’s what button flies are for, sillies

comment image

@Paradoxy
Ya know he’s a beta, cos he actually tastes the goo

I’ll see myself out