Categories
alpha asshole cock carousel alt-right antifeminism empathy deficit entitled babies heartiste irony alert men who should not ever be with women ever misogyny

Pickup artist blows the lid off of Valentine’s day with really, really long sentence

Filthy slut! I blame Cultural Marxism

In the midst of all the excitement yesterday, I kind of forgot to do any Valentine’s Day posts. So I’m going to make up for that with a POST-VALENTINE’S DAY 50% OFF SALE ON BELATED VALENTINE’S DAY POSTS.

First up, everyone’s favorite Naziesque pickup artist, the adult human man who actually calls himself Heartiste. Mr. H thinks it’s hilarious that some random single lady on Craigslist posted an ad in hopes of finding a date for Valentine’s Day.

After quoting her fairly innocuous message seeking a fella to “meet for coffee and just talk about life and things,” Heartiste lays into Valentine’s day itself, lamenting that the once-special day has allegedly changed from a celebration of “couples [rejoicing] in their love” into a holiday that

has had to bend to the new reality of pump and dumps, flings, the extended cock carousel ride, delayed marriage, and late in life marriage.

Then he unleashes this sentence, a doozy even by his standards.

So V Day has morphed into a convenient, plausibly deniable excuse for these future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves in the hope they’ll get banged out by cads or showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward with full aching balls after doing their last ditch V-date duty and cheering up a studio apartment slut who’s experiencing a bout of regret and timetable disorientation in between cock hops.

Here’s a fun game: Try reading it out loud in one breath, and see how far you get!

I only made it up to “showered.”

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

83 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Now I’m remembering reading about a $50 dollar martini 15 years ago. It real flecks of gold in it.

Guess who owned the restaurant that served it?

Wait for it…

That’s right folks, it was a Trump owned restaurant!

Maybe we should blame the evils of dropping bennies on cocktails on Trump?

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
3 years ago

We stayed home and marathoned The Americans, and had dinner with ridiculous amounts of mozzarella. You really don’t wanna get on the cock carousel after that much cheese.

Boris
Boris
3 years ago

I diagrammed that sentence just for fun, but in an unsurprising twist the result was simply a swastika.

numerobis
numerobis
3 years ago

Dropping $100-200 on drinks and dinner for two is pretty easy — there’s plenty of places to drop hundreds on dinner. *Affording* that splurge is rather harder.

If you do that without the intention of actually appreciating the drinks, food, and company, that’s really not your date’s problem.

Ooglyboggles
3 years ago

I played with my dogs.

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

OT:

Does anyone have any idea what to look for in a dentist or whatever? I need a wisdom tooth taken care of and the last dentist I went to not only did a shit job with my fillings but shut down not even two weeks after I went to see them.

Anne Lewis, Jib Creatr
Anne Lewis, Jib Creatr
3 years ago

I spent way, way, way too much time on this.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Jack
I get anxiety at the dentist so I go with an office that does sedation. You can call 1-800-dentist and they have questions they’ll ask to find one that works for you, too.

eli
eli
3 years ago

@Anne Lewis, Jib Creatr

<3 <3 <3 !!!!! Very impressive 😀

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
3 years ago

@Anne Lewis, Jib Creatr,

tee hee :3

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

@kupo

I forgot about 1-800-Dentist. Hopefully they can help because it seems that all the dentists that are ADA certified are miles away. (Like, it seems the nearest one is, like, 60 miles from my house.) And all the nearer by dentist (that aren’t certified) either don’t have websites or their websites concentrate on how “innovative” and “nice” their offices are and none of them have reviews or have names like “Just Wisdom Teeth” and shit like that and it’s just, like, what do I do???

Like, I just want to go to a place that will help me with my teeth, not cost an arm and a leg and not push teeth whitening and shit like that. And hopefully not a place that will close down almost immediately after I go to them. I just want a decent dentist.

dlouwe
dlouwe
3 years ago

@Jack

Picking dentists is the worst. I happened to recently just pick one more or less at random (my one criteria was “can they do sedation?”), and by pure luck they turned out to be great. But it can be a bit of a crap shoot. Perhaps ask around people you know in the area about their experiences? Word of mouth is probably the most reliable way to find something that isn’t terrible.

And yeah, Dentist websites are the worst. Stop trying to sell me on how awesome you think you are, I just want someone who can take care of my mouthbones.

numerobis
numerobis
3 years ago

WTF, you can be a dentist without ADA certification?

The main tell I’ve found is whether the dentist explains what she’s seeing (or what he’s seeing). I had a dentist growing up, he was great; I had a couple others as an adult that were crap; now I have one and she’s exactly the same kind of great as my childhood dentist.

Wisdom teeth you often need a dental surgeon, which is different than a dentist. I have no idea how to choose one; my experience with wisdom teeth doctors has been pretty poor. It was fine in the end, just needlessly traumatic in the moment.

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

@dlouwe

Yeah, I did that once, that’s why my fillings fell out a month after getting them. Kinda don’t wanna take a chance.

@numerobis

Apparently you can be a licensed dentist and not be board certified. Board certification just means you’ve met a certain standard of ADA, not just the standards of the state. Like, it’s tests and stuff beyond the minimum requirements of dentistry. The tippity top of the crop.

However, it’s not just my wisdom tooth. I also have cavities that need their fillings fixed. And I haven’t been to a dentist in 7 years. And only once in my life.

http://i.imgur.com/vYgPmI8.gif

Figure it’s time to go again.

Nobody Special
Nobody Special
3 years ago

Blue balls is a phallusy (sic), up there with the teenage boys’ ‘getting a hard on and not coming is dangerous and can cause damage to me so you’ve got to finish the job’.

The cock carousel is a fairground ride on which the riders sit on large, wooden, gaudily painted cockerels.

The cock hop is just dancing to The Birdy Song.

Also, I saw a Valentine’s card the other day that could have come from Heartiste himself.
The front was a captioned 1950’s-era photograph of a man in a florist’s shop, and the captions ran;
Man: I’d like some flowers for my date tonight.
Florist: What is it you’re looking for?
Man: Sex.

Lea
Lea
3 years ago

He’s just afraid men eager for dates will stop following his terrible advice on getting dates if those men realise that sometimes women will ask men out and all they have to do is accept the invitation, not act like a flaming douche bag and then simply enjoy a warm beverage and some company.

I note that women waiting to be asked out = sign that women are awful
And
Women asking men out = sign that women are awful

Its almost like some men are going to hate us regardless of what we do, so we may as well do whatever makes us happiest and not worry about those men’s opinions ever.

kupo
kupo
3 years ago

@Jack
Another thing to consider is how willing they are to work out a plan with you. My dentist will work out payment plans and treatment plans. So if you have a lot of work to do but not a lot of money you can get the most important items addressed first and wait until next year for the rest, and if you need to pay monthly instead of all up front they’ll work it out with you. I’m not sure if that’s a concern for you, but something to consider.

Also, if you have insurance, chances are they have in-network and out-of-network providers. Out-of-network can be really crap coverage rates.

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

@kupo

Thanks, dude. I seriously appreciate the info and stuff a lot, although I am unable to exactly express such gratitude.

Here, enjoy this video.

occasional reader
occasional reader
3 years ago

Hello.

It seems that him and Vox Day compete to the worst word salad sentence award.
And as someone (Axe, if i am not wrong) remarked it before, if V Day is replaced by Vox Day, it adds a new reading meaning. Because maybe some would prefer to have cats rather than a Vox Day at home, or sex with anybody who is not an antipathic asshole ; and others would prefer to be tolerant “beta” person than pathetic “alpha” neo-nazi.

Technically, you can have “blue” balls, but certainly not for the reason invoked in the topic sentence. When younger, i had take several handball ballons (at school, goal keepers do not have a protection like professionals have) and an angry boy santiag kick, and thus hematoma (so it also turns yellow and purple balls, for that matter).

Have a nice day.

Morgaine le Fée
Morgaine le Fée
3 years ago

I love so much that pic of Cat Lord posted by Scildfreja. Thanks for some awesome art.

kale
kale
3 years ago

Valentines Day is older than Hallmark, they had it in the 1900s, maybe earlier, which I admit I only know because of American Girl (the historic doll/book company). but fertilty festivals are old, the idea of celebrating love, sex, romance…. It makes sense to have such a holiday, a holiday for lovers.
What annoys me is that people assume it bothers me to be single when that’s my preference as a (mostly) asexual aromantic person. Im happy for those who are happy and its ok if it hard for people but Im very happy to be single.
& I garantee you the manosphere would complain about that too, especially since on the rare occasion I do date, it’s usually someone they would mock in all sorts of ways because I date feminist Non-Binary people who are proudly unconventional, & cishet men are a hard pass for me.
They dont want what women to be prudes, they just want men to control women. A woman who tells every man No and is abstinant or lesbian isnt gonna be looked at as a good one.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

Hambeast (fan of diversity) | February 15, 2017 at 3:23 pm
Paradoxy said

Nevermind that she explicitly stated in her ad that she just wanted coffee and a chat. Nowhere in her ad did she say she wanted sex.

Do people (okay, female-identifying people) do that a lot? I mean, outside of sites that are just for hooking up.

That’s something I would never mention in an ad; I’d want to size the other person up for suitability, compatibility, and willingness before making that decision. Besides, even before I ever found this place, I knew that there are Nice Guys (TM) who would take it as a promise and not a possibility.

Actually, a coffee shop is a great place for a first date where you haven’t had the chance to meet or talk to someone yet (or someone you have, but are still cautious about)!

– The coffee shop usually asks you to pay before you get your coffee. So if you get there a little early, order your coffee and pastry or whatever, then you don’t have to wait for the bill if things go south. You can just make up an excuse and leave.

– Local coffee shops are usually staffed by pretty friendly people. If you get to know the staff, they could be willing to be a support. i.e. Watching your drink/food if you step away from your table, etc.

– Coffee is usually kinda on the cheap side, and it’s very easy to buy your own coffee so you don’t have to “owe” your date for your drink.

– Since it’s more of a morning thing, you don’t have to worry as much about someone possibly drugging your drinks. No one is going to accept “Nah, she’s just drunk, that’s all!” at 11AM in a coffee shop as a dude is attempting to drag your unconscious body out the door.

– Coffee shops are usually much more comfortable and quiet than your average bar. Big comfy chairs, soothing music, and they have wifi and such if you need to do work while you wait for your date.

So yeah, there’s lots of good reasons to choose a coffee shop for your first date if you’re a feeeemale.

Gussie Jives
Gussie Jives
3 years ago

Sentences are not mini-vans, Hearti-kins.

Bina
3 years ago

So V Day has morphed into a convenient, plausibly deniable excuse for these future cat ladies to crassly advertise themselves in the hope they’ll get banged out by cads or showered with sexless sympathy feelz by gullible white knight betas all too willing to drop a bennie on expensive cocktails so that they can trudge homeward with full aching balls after doing their last ditch V-date duty and cheering up a studio apartment slut who’s experiencing a bout of regret and timetable disorientation in between cock hops.

Dude, that’s not how this works. That’s not how ANY of this works. Have you tried just not being a dickhead yet?

Hambeast (fan of diversity)
Hambeast (fan of diversity)
3 years ago

Paradoxy – Sorry, my question was actually more about whether female-identifying people state in online ads that they are looking for sex. I’ve never read dating ads online and only ever skimmed them (lo, these many years ago) in the newspaper.

I gave up looking at the “personal ads” because roughly 75% of them stipulated “petite” or similar as a requirement and I haven’t been petite since being born slightly underweight! I figured dating ads online were probably similar and never bothered with them.

Also, I didn’t mean that you specifically had to answer. I just like to acknowledge whose quote I’m responding to. Actually, no one has to respond, it doesn’t hurt my feelings; although I do get all warm and fuzzy when people do, so thanks!

Finally, I know you’re really busy, but any chance of any more game play videos?

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

Dude, that’s not how this works. That’s not how ANY of this works. Have you tried just not being a dickhead yet?

Define “dickhead”, because otherwise they may be thinking of Nice Guy.

@Hambeast

I’m sure there’s Craiglist and shit that people of all genders outright state they want sex (invitations to all sorts of sexy parties and looking for doms/subs and whatever) but now we have a variety of dating and hookup websites and apps in which people sign up pretty much exclusively to hookup and have sex. From fetish sites to ChristianMingle, there’s a place for anyone of any taste to get some.

Personal ads for dating/sex aren’t really a thing anymore.

Handsome :Punkle Stan: Jack

@kupo

Hey, I wanna thank you again but also I wanna say that it turns out no dentist in the zipcodes I tried are in their network.

Which is hilarious because, like, I said, there’s only fucking five dentists in a fifty mile radius (or maybe I didn’t) and you’d think at least one would be. But no.

And then some of the ones I called don’t do payment plans and have $200 checkups.

And one my mother suggested which was called Affordable Dentures which amazingly enough doesn’t do what I need done.

And the one that does payment plans, general dentistry and oral surgery has really low reviews but you can make appointments online so.

Have I ever mentioned how much it fucking sucks to live in the middle of nowhere and be poor because it does.

Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
Paradoxical Intention - Mobile
3 years ago

@Hambeast: Ah, okay then. :0

As for videos, I’ve actually been working on a few in my scant spare time! My roommate and I have even done some recording together. I’m hoping to post a video this Sunday going over what’s going on and what I hope will happen.

At the very least, I hope to do some more recording and work on editing videos with a new open source program I’ve downloaded.

Bina
3 years ago

Also, having seen a lot of weirdly contorted antique valentines for the last week or so, full of badly contrived puns trying hard to be clever, I have to say I find the one up top the weirdest yet. Little girls playing dress-up in their grandma’s antique underwear? Whaaaaa?

(Still not as contorted, contrived or bizarro-antique as Wiedmann’s shitty prose and “heartistic” thoughts, though.)

Fruitloopsie
Fruitloopsie
3 years ago

Hi everyone! It’s been awhile! Happy Valentine’s Day or happy singles day!

http://petslady.com/sites/default/files/inline-images/Valentines-Day-For-Pets-1.img_assist_custom.jpg

I really don’t understand guys who get so mangry during Valentine’s Day if you don’t want to buy stuff then don’t. Find a woman/girl who doesn’t mind paying but they get butt hurt over that too saying it’s not a woman’s place.

PI is right. You’re supposed to love your partner/spouse everyday not once a year.

Anne Lewis
:claps:

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
3 years ago

Dental stuff….Have you looked into whether or not there is a dental school in your area? They work under the supervision of a fully trained and licensed dentist but are less expensive than it would be to see that fully trained and licensed dentist at a private dental office/practice.

I had an oral surgeon take my wisdom teeth out, the dentist who I’ve seen since my first dental visit as a child was the one who referred me to the specific oral surgeon (when I was 18-19) and to a periodontist when I needed one of those (mid-late 20’s).

My ex tried one of the other dentists at the same place mine works at but didn’t like them and of course being the woman that meant I had to figure out other options for his dental needs (in his mind, that was part of my job…he needed a lot of dental work done. By the time he was finished with the dentist I found him through the 1800-dentist, the front office staff joked that he’d paid for a full year of USC tuition for the dentist’s son.) I don’t know if he didn’t like the earlier dentist that was in the same offices as mine because he had bad experiences with dentists or what, but he should have gone back for the permanent crowns instead of expecting the temporary ones to last forever with over the counter drugstore dental cement as needed. Especially considering the root canals. I’ve only had 2 cavities in my lifetime and one crown that didn’t require a root canal, so going to the dentist isn’t a big deal to me…of course when they did the wisdom teeth removal I was under general anesthesia, the gum grafting procedures all I needed was nitrous oxide, the other stuff only local.

Spaniard in the Works
Spaniard in the Works
3 years ago

Re: Blue balls

They happen (well, the pain, not the blueness), or at least they happened to me twice or thrice, but they were more or less intentional. As in, I don’t want to relieve myself because I know there will be a better opportunity later.

Bento - Social Justice Red Mage
Bento - Social Justice Red Mage
3 years ago

I know it’s late, but reading the sentence out loud in one breath, I got to “disorientation” YAY!