Hey, how about a nice Friday night non-Trump open thread for not talking about Trump? TA DA. No trolls, Trump fans, etc.
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Friday Night Cat Hat Open Thread
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
We Hunted The MammothHey, how about a nice Friday night non-Trump open thread for not talking about Trump? TA DA. No trolls, Trump fans, etc.
Anti-Trump cartoon by Vancouver artist goes viral
http://globalnews.ca/news/3226730/anti-trump-cartoon-by-vancouver-artist-goes-viral/
The right-wing hypocrisy on this should be amazing.
Also, given that the artist is a woman, I know what her inbox is going to be full of.
Also a bit of an update:
I mentioned a while back that I had an MRI done. Apparently I have an approx. 4mm micro-adenoma on my pituitary. It’s probably the reason my prolactin level is a bit high. I have an appointment soon to see the endocrinologist, I’m expecting to find out more then.
I can’t even with this one guy at work. He hates his job and he thinks his co-workers (which would include me) are untrustworthy and terrible. He complained that his duties were monotonous, and when he was switched to a different team, he complained about that, too.
Today I was told to involve him in a big project we are working on, and he whined the whole time and expected me to whine with him. Nobody is making him do this; this project is something we are all doing in our very thin spare time. Nobody is forced to work on it. The project is big and sexy, and I guess he thinks the unsexy parts like collating handouts will just do themselves or something? That rooms set themselves up and break themselves down, or that gnomes come do it?
Like, if you want to be involved, you need to be involved, and not just for the sexy parts. You know who did some of the sexy work this week? That would be the person who sometimes takes notes and helps check people into meetings, namely me. You know who didn’t? The people who have been waiting for the sexy parts of the project to roll around and have missed out on getting into the insider club.
So I’m fed up with this dude at work. I’m going to call him Whiny Butt from now on, which used to be my nickname for my cat, but he whines way more than the cat does.
Good luck, Jesalin!
The twins got pedal bikes this week, and S took to hers right away, but A feels like he’s up too high.
We also need to work on braking.
On the other hand, S hasn’t got in the tub this whole week of her own volition. She’s scared of going down the drain, we think.
Jesalin, I hope your doctor has excellent news for you. Prolactinomas tend to be very manageable with medication/watch-and-wait. Particularly little ones like the one you have.
TW: fertility stuff, pregnancy loss, major TL:DR
I’m in a bit of a bad headspace. I’m in my early 30s and after much discussion my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant. Fast forward a year, still nothing, so our family MD refers us to the fertility clinic. They order the investigations but before I can finish the last one, we find out I’m pregnant. I have mixed feelings about it in the first place, as I worry a lot about the impact on my career, the usual anxieties, etc. Still, I’m a physician so I had a pretty pragmatic view of things, so when I started bleeding and having pain on Christmas Eve I wasn’t really upset, just matter-of-fact in getting myself to the ER for an evaluation. Things were reassuring there, and they detected a heartbeat on my ultrasound on New Year’s Eve.
I miscarried January 2nd.
It was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Everyone I’ve helped through a miscarriage in my professional life has had gentle, slow miscarriages that they described as “a heavy period.” Instead, I had hours of intense contractions – the sort that I see in the women we admit to the L&D ward. 10/10 pain aside (would not buy again), the emotional impact after has been devastating for me. It has been over 4 weeks and I am intellectually ready to be over it, but I am exhausted and crying and generally a train wreck. I didn’t think I was emotionally attached – I knew this was a reasonable probability, so we referred to it as “the embryo” and didn’t even talk about talking about names. I’ve grieved less over the loss of loved family members. This is just, another beast entirely. (And yes, my health care team has evaluated me for depression. This is not that.)
Going through all of this in the context of being exhausted by Trumpism and it’s side effects here in Canada, while trying to be a good advocate, while trying to be a good physician, while trying to be a good wife, I’m running at a deficit. And then yesterday we had the follow up fertility clinic appointment that I’d booked before the pregnancy. I could have cancelled it, but it would have been three months to get another. The investigations didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know (uncomplicated PCOS), but there’s rumours of a medication shortage, which would mean using the second line drugs, which have a much higher rate of multiple pregnancies, something I am abjectly terrified of. And meanwhile through all of this I know my brain and my body are not even close to ready, and I feel like the clinic is just shoving me through the process, even though they’re aware of everything I’ve just been through.
I will finish the investigations the wanted me to do, but I just don’t know that I can go through with starting fertility treatments. Even the medication alone is undignified – the timing, and testing, and all the everything makes me feel less human and more broodmare. I was meant to be approaching my second trimster by now, and instead I’m looking up costs to the various ovary stimulating drugs and the risk-benefits of taking metformin, and crying over absolutely nothing at all.
I know this is what I signed up for, and that falling into the 5-8% of miscarriages that happen after a fetal heart rate is detected is a statistical unlikelihood that I had no control over, and I know this is all happening in the context of a world where people are literally fighting for their lives and their livelihoods, but… it just sucks. And if I have to hear another saccrine, sanitized platitude about “divine plans” and “Rainbow babies” I swear my pacifist fist will meet somebody in the skull with zero regrets. I am hurting, physically, mentally, emotionally, because nature is unsympathetic to our desires and needs. I can deal with the exhaustion, I can deal with pain. I don’t want to be grieving anymore. I don’t want to care anymore. But here I am.
Flora: Though I am childless by choice, will a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” be all right?
@Flora, I’m so sorry <3 That's so difficult. Don't you feel bad for a second about not being 'good enough' to keep up with all of the ridiculous nonsense going on in the world. The fact that you're able to been notice at all makes you a hero. Just keep on goin', and let yourself rest or grieve or whatever-you-need-to-do without feeling guilty for it, okay? And you can talk about it, or talk about other things, or whatever you like in this space, you know that. Take care of yourself <3
Canadian dorkery here. It’s Black History Month up here in Alberta, too, and I wanted to share this mostly because it’s narrated by MLA David Shepherd (Edmonton Central). I just really like him. He’s a big dork – wears a goofy bow tie and fancy suit to the Legislature – but he’s so damn fierce. Love it. Makes me want to move back to Edmonton.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9Q-viq1zKU
And here he is laying into the Wildrose:
@Flora
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Do you have a therapist you can talk to?
Thanks guys. For a very long time my plan was to also remain childless by choice, so there are a lot of complex emotions I have around this. I was never going to be the person who has a YouTube worthy reaction to a positive pregnancy test. It makes it all the more disconcerting that I am grieving so much.
And intellectually I know that I need to put my own mask on before I help those travelling with me, but damn, I would have had an easier time of this if communities I care deeply about serving weren’t feeling such shockwaves.
ETA: I do have a counsellor that I see. I had a session with him earlier this week, and it was good, but very painful. Normally I come out of sessions recharged, instead I was just more drained. Been seeing him for years (we get free sessions through the medical college because too many MDs commit suciide) and never have I ever cried through an entire hour. Not after my mother disowned me, not after I thought I was going to lose my career.
woops. THIS is Mr Shepherd laying into the Wildrose. It’s pretty fun:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLAhmO–9pg
@Flora, my cousin went through the same thing. It’s so difficult. Don’t feel bad, or at least try to not feel too bad. Let it go when you are able to. Do what you can, when you can! <3
@Scildfreja
Laying the smack down on the Wildrose always makes me feel better. I’ve seen those “Friends of Science” billboards. Uggggghhh
@Flora, I’ve tussled with the “Friends of Science” before, over Twitter. They’re pretty much as immune to reason as one might expect.
(For those not in the know, the FoS is an Albertan conservative ‘think-tank’ of retired engineers paid for by oil companies to distribute climate change denial in the form of bullshit whitepapers and misleading statistics.)
They’re a fun group. It’s fun watching them squirm when you confront them with their obvious and unavoidable ties to the oil and gas industry. Wish they could be shut down for the liars that they are, though.
@Flora
I’m so very sorry to hear that! *hugs* if you want them.
To quote Scildfreja:
Seconded! (and I’m glad I’m able to quote that because I kinda suck at expressing myself well online *insert self-deprecating laugh*)
Hugs, Flora and seconding Scildfreja. You don’t need permission to grieve for as long as you need to. It’s not a who has it worst contest.
Just hazarding a guess here, but it’s probably a good guess just based on whiny and guy.
Perhaps he thinks it’s the job of the women in the office to do the unsexy jobs?
@Flora: I am sorry for your loss. I dislike it when people talk about ‘divine plans’ as well… It seems to diminish the permission we should just *have* to feel what we’re feeling and process the emotions.
Perhaps it would be a comfort to someone who was very religious. I think I’d prefer to err on the side of “Do you need a supper? I can bring one over on x night, if that would be helpful.”*
I’m glad you have someone to talk to.
*I read a very good article about how it helps to have concrete suggestions to offer, like cleaning a house or bringing food or something, rather than asking someone what they need. Now the person who is going through something needs to think of something for *me* to do, since I was so nice to offer. And it has to be something that I can do, that won’t take too much time, but enough time that I’ll feel like I contributed…
Ugh. Feelings are complicated and hard and I would like to send you some internet hugs, if you would like. And the memories of a donair pizza from a little place just outside of Edmonton, since you seem to be Albertan.
@PoM: Why do people not understand that you have to do the work, ALL THE WORK, to get to do the fun stuff? The job I had prior to this one had some slow times sometimes, and I would be lent out to other departments who needed help. Usually to one specific one, who was overworked and didn’t have enough people to complete all the work that they had to do. It wasn’t fun, and neither of us really liked doing it, but we were being paid and people depended on our work, so we did it well.
Later that person moved on to a much cooler department, and I was able to follow along when they needed help. It was a very lucky break for me, because now I have two specific and in demand skills. But it was only because the fella I was helping out with the very unsexy job knew I would do the work, even if it was not fun.
I’m sorry you have to deal with such a whiny jerk. I’m glad it sounds like you got to do some of the cool parts of the job while he was waiting on the sidelines, though!
I hope he steps on a couple of lego pieces he didn’t see, and then can’t find.
Flora, I did much the same as you at much the same age. I hadn’t been interested in having children at all. But gradually came round to husband’s view that it would be a good idea. After 18 months I eventually got pregnant, then miscarried at 3 months – about 2 days after I’d bitten the bullet and told my sister I was pregnant. Fortunately (or not) I was temporarily working out of my usual job and workplace at the time so I had a lot of personal support from the very small, fairly close-knit and supportive group of people there who were all friends.
After a couple of weeks I went back to my usual, large, fairly impersonal workplace so that was, now I look back on it, a kind of break. The miscarriage was back there along with that completely different job. Didn’t help much I suppose, I was absolutely shattered for months – maybe it would have been worse if I hadn’t had that “break”. I really don’t think I could have coped with anyone urging me on to try a fertility treatment. People just left us pretty well alone to make up our own minds about when-whether-how we would start trying again.
Eventually, I got pregnant again after a year or so and had a daughter. Then another one nearly 3 years after that. I don’t know whether I would have been one of those people who constantly remember the one they lost. My pregnancies were a bit difficult and the first baby was a 24/7, absolutely exhausting, trial – reflux until she walked. So any memory banks were pretty well swamped. I’m only ever reminded by things that hit me out of the blue – like younger daughter telling me, when she was 20ish, that she’d always wanted an older brother. I’d never even thought about whether it had been a boy or a girl, so that raised, rather than revived, a whole lot of things because I’d not dealt with them at the time.
One way or another, some time or another, we learn to live with it. I never felt the need for a grave or any other memorial – you might feel differently. “Getting over it” is a completely stupid idea and I hereby grant you permission to tell any family-friends-colleagues-professionals that I said so.
You and your husband – and you two alone – should decide how and when you want to try again. If needs be, you should recruit him as a shoulder-to-shoulder reinforcement or back up if you feel that you’re being pressured by the clinic. You’re in your early 30s, not your 40s. This is _not_ urgent in the way it might be in several years time. I was almost 37 by the time my second child was born. You have time enough for 2 or 3 children before you’re 40 if you want them and are lucky enough to get pregnant when you want.
Have you considered a break, even a short one, from work? This is one of those times when being a good doctor, a good advocate, a good wife might mean giving yourself some physical, emotional or spiritual nourishment instead of, rather than in addition to, getting on with those tasks and obligations even for a few days. Of course, that might mean sleeping for 3 days for some people. I was thinking more along the lines of a weekend at a spa or a cooking/carpentry/scuba diving/learn to sing course. Maybe a knitting marathon or a 2 day remote camping adventure or a shop-a-holic breakout with an old friend. Don’t want to decide? Do something your husband suggests – let him take the lead for a break from overthinking stuff yourself.
Whether you decide on a circuit-breaker or to plod on as you are, remember you will get through it one way or another. The first trimester of your next pregnancy, whenever it comes, will be bloody nerve-wracking, but you’ll get through that too. (The relief of getting pregnant seems to dominate that feeling. It tends to be a few random late night what-if moments rather than a constant worry. At least for me it was.)
Take care of yourself. We’re here if you need us.
So here in Australia, the inaugural game of the new women’s division of the Australian Football League was a big success – the stadium sold out and spectators had to be turned away. A pretty piddling, peripheral feminist victory, considering everything that’s happening in the world right now, but these days, I take whatever I can get.
Flora, I am so sorry. I had an early miscarriage in between my two sons. I think it was not so bad for me emotionally because I had a child at that point, but physically it was hard. Very painful and bloody. Nobody seems to talk about how bad it can be physically.
Have your doctors confirmed that it was complete with no placenta retained? I apologize for being nosy, but I did retain placenta and had to have a D+C after months of bleeding resulting in symptomatic anemia. Take care of yourself. It was my experience that the emotional effects of the hormonal changes from a miscarriage can be very strange. Give yourself plenty of time.
Flora, I echo everyone in this thread. My deepest sympathies. You’re still young. The window hasn’t yet shut, metaphorically speaking.
I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced what you have, can really, truly understand.
@Flora
Everything mildlymagnificent said. I went through four years of infertility treatment and had a miscarriage after our second IUI attempt had resulted in a brief pregnancy. It was one of the most awful times of my life. People around you who haven’t gone through this don’t understand, but they feel they have to say something, hence the stupid remarks about divine plans or how maybe you just need to relax or take a vacation. A family member I loved very much said to me that one of the women in her family had had a stillbirth, which was much worse than “just” having a miscarriage. Needless to say, that did not make me feel any better. What did help was going to group counseling with a therapist recommended by Resolve, the infertility advocacy group. We were fortunate in that our treatments eventually worked and I got pregnant, but it was a difficult, grueling experience to go through. Please take care of yourself and allow all the time you need to grieve.
@Flora
Hugs. Grieving takes time, and it’s not up to anyone to tell you how long it should take.
I got a much needed holiday in the form of a week-long Final Fantasy XV binge – finally got me hands on it. I’ve still got one item on my to-murder list, the Adamantoise (holy shit, I mean I was used them tortoises being pretty big, but this one dwarfs the rest of the series) and then I guess I’ll have to go back to boredom-land where no one harasses me to turn the car around and go back to take a group picture with that landmark we camped by 15 minutes ago.
Been somewhat keeping up with what’s going on in Trumpland, and it don’t look pretty. Guys, take care of yourselves, alright.
Flora – I’m really sorry – as others have said, I’m pretty sure those who haven’t gone through it can’t understand, and I haven’t.
__
My ex is being horrible. Really awful. I still don’t know why I expected him to not be as abusive after we weren’t living under the same roof. Hope triumphing over experience, I guess.
After a trip to the pub this week I bought a set of cutlery on eBay. It arrived this morning. It was advertised as stainless steel but turned out to be plate. I’m so disappointed. 🙁 It’s gorgeous though. I was tired of mismatched cutlery (when my ex left he took most of the spoons…)
Tonight my son and I ate from Wedgwood bone china (my everyday, I picked up a huge number of plates at a carboot sale for a tenner and in a pattern that I love) and vintage German cutlery. I need to figure out a way to use this stuff on a regular basis. It makes me happy to eat off beautiful tableware.
Flora, you have my deepest sympathies. As others said do what you need for the time being to grieve and heal. It isn’t anything you need to rush, there can’t be a timetable to meet in order to complete grieving. You will need time to want another pregnancy.
I had an ectopic pregnancy rather than a miscarriage but the loss after the hope and expectancy was a so painful. I remember trying to ask if the fallopian tube could just be tucked into the uterus so the placenta might grow on to embed into the uterine wall in addition to the tube. I just didn’t want to terminate the pregnancy.
The difference with an ectopic is it is major abdominal surgery to reach and remove the damage the out of place pregnancy causes. I had eight weeks to recover and grieve before returning to work. Further working in a lab meant no divine plan type of comments.
Since I was 40 I tried the fertility treatment immediately but discovered I could not cope with the hormone roller coaster so soon. I did one round but chose not to try again because I had not given myself time since I felt I did not have it. I still struggle a bit more than 20 years on but my husband has children so I now have two grandchildren. I was surprised how much this helped me deal with everything.