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What is like a man with a boner wearing a small tight thong? One idiot has the answer

That thong th thong thong thong

Do you like riddles? I do. Here’s my favorite:

What goes around a button?

You might think the answer is “a buttonhole.” But you would be WRONG!

Well, technically, you would be right, but the correct answer to this riddle is “a goat.”

Because goats go around a-buttin.’ You know, like butting things.

Ok, that joke only works when you say it out loud, and it’s a bit of an open question as to whether it works at all. It’s from a very old and very bad book of jokes and riddles I encountered as a child.

Look, I didn’t say I liked GOOD riddles. I sort of prefer the terrible ones.

And I’m in luck! A few days ago a drive-by commenter left a giant angry dump of a comment in response to one of my posts from way back in 2011. I didn’t let the comment through moderation, but it contained a riddle, of sorts, that I would like to share with you all.

What “is similar to a man wearing small tight thongs and having an erection?”

Set aside the issue of why this fellow is wearing more than one thong, and see what you can come up with.

A banana in a bikini?

A sausage in a small hammock?

A roll of quarters in a diaper?

I’m running out of ideas here.

One of those long balloons that they make balloon animals out of, inside a bag that’s too small for it?

Nope!

The answer is: “Women wearing provocative clothes.”

Let’s let Jon explain it:

Women wearing provocative clothes is similar to a man wearing small tight thongs and having an erection. HOw would you feel men hanging out like that? WOuld you invite them to meet your wife/daughter?

First of all, I don’t have a “wife/daughter.” And I am troubled by Jon’s assumption that I am anti-thong, when it comes to men. I’m not. Dude thongs are fine, in moderation. I’m wearing one right now. I require visitors to put on thongs before entering my apartment. I put them on my cats, when I can catch them.

NOTE TO EXTREMELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: I’m not really wearing a thong. I don’t actually require visitors to put on thongs before entering my apartment. I don’t put them on my cats. I was making some little jokes. That said, I don’t really care if guys wear thongs to the beach, though they should really cover up (and try to think of very unsexy things) if they get erections. As should anyone who gets an erection in public.

In the post that Jon is responding to, I took issue with a fellow who suggested that women who “dress … provocatively and leav[e] a man in an unfinished state of excitement” are essentially assaulting men. Things that this fellow regarded as “provocative” included jeans, high heels, exposed hair. Some of his other arguments were even more, er, provocative.

But let’s get back to Jon, who had many further thoughts and theories he wanted to share with me and my readers, most of which involved explaining how totally wrong he thinks I am, and most of which have nothing to do with my post.

Here are his thoughts on non-verbal communication,

Most human communication is non verbal. For example, if I wink at your wife, are you ok with that? I am just winking right? No David (author) don’t be judgmental! Well that’s called “hitting a girl!”. So provocative outfits create the same sense as sexual organs on a man’s face. It sends non verbal sexual messages.

Er, sexual organs on a man’s face? How exactly did we get from winking to sexual organs on a man’s face?

Women are not a minority – they form 51% of the population and are a MAJORITY.

Thanks for the tip!

Women failures in mathematics, sciences, sports, jobs are not a man’s fault.

How about grammatical errors made by men? Whose fault are they?

In fact most men are not anti-female. At the very least they usually love their mothers, grand mothers, daughters and maybe wives.

‘Maybe wives?” I’m sensing some bitterness here.

Women have failed in these areas as they are just not good enough and lack that white matter in brain that is created by 20,000 evolution and male testosterone. These are biological facts.

Would any biologists care to comment on these, er, facts?

Women do better than men in fields that require caring and nurturing such as certain medical fields (nursing, gynecology), giving birth to babies and raising them.

I will concede that having a uterus does give someone a bit of an advantage when it comes to giving birth to babies.

That said, I am not suggesting preventing women from pursuing their dreams but dont expect 50% of Einsteins and newtons to be women. In fact there has never been a great female scientist of the rank of newton, gauss, euler etc. All major scientific inventions (even minor ones actually) are all male.

WE INVENTED THE MAMMOTH TO FEED YOU.

Nature has designed the human female body to carry babies and be sexually attractive to a man. If this was not the case, human species would not have made it this far. It is the very reason that men have hair on their faces and a muscular body. Its called evolution and you cant (and there is no need to) challenge 20,000 years of human evolution.

Men have hair on their faces so … women can be sexy to them?

I’m thinking Jon might have mixed up some of his notes from Biology 101.

But speaking of sexy, let me just end this post with a dude in what appears to be a Speedo or Speedo equivalent.

I don’t know why, biologically speaking, he’s holding a nailgun, but then again I wasn’t paying careful attention in Biology 101 either.

Also it kind of looks like someone else’s face has been photoshopped over the original Speeo-wearer’s face. I have no idea why. Let’s just call that another riddle.

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Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

Also it kind of looks like someone else’s face has been photoshopped over the original Speedo-wearer’s face. I have no idea why. Let’s just call that another riddle.

That’s Charlie Sheen’s face, isn’t it?

Steampunked
Steampunked
4 years ago

Women have failed in these areas as they are just not good enough and lack that white matter in brain that is created by 20,000 evolution and male testosterone. These are biological facts

Women have on average ten times the amount of white matter in the brain. Men have more grey matter.

Getting that one so wrong is pretty hilarious all by itself.

Charles Miller
4 years ago

As any Australian will tell you, thongs-plural are things you wear on your feet.

So the answer is “Someone who will probably end up with a blister between their big and second toes, and should be commended for maintaining an erection through that level of discomfort.”

C.S.Strowbridge
C.S.Strowbridge
4 years ago

http://www.nber.org/papers/w20909

Girls do better on math tests than boys do, if the person grading the test doesn’t know the gender of the students.

So no, evolution and testosterone are not the reason there are so many more male scientists than there are female scientists.

Benevolent Wine
Benevolent Wine
4 years ago

In fact there has never been a great female scientist of the rank of newton, gauss, euler etc. All major scientific inventions (even minor ones actually) are all male.

I could name numerous scientists off the top of my head..
Curie, Grace Hopper, Carson… etc etc..

ChrisW
ChrisW
4 years ago

I’m just going to mention one thing. The only person to win two science Nobels was a woman, Madame Curie.

Rhuu
Rhuu
4 years ago

I thought that was maybe Anthony Weiner’s face, though looking at more pictures of him I’m thinking not. Also, searching ‘anthony weiner nail gun’ to see if that pops up was maybe not my best idea. Why did I put that in my google search history???

I’m glad that men can relate to women if they relate to women they are already related to, though it would be nice if they could go ‘hey look there’s a human on the street, I can relate to the fact that they are a person, gender etc be damned’.

It always makes me angry when someone says “I HAVE A WIFE/DAUGHTER, SIR” as a reason for their outrage. I don’t have a daughter, or a wife! I mean, I do have sisters, a mother, nieces, and a grandmother. But not a *daughter* or a *wife*, so I guess I’m cool with whatever it is they were responding to?

9__6

Ohlmann
Ohlmann
4 years ago

Marie Curie make the head of that guy explode I guess.

MexicanHotChocolate
MexicanHotChocolate
4 years ago

Wow! It’s cute when he attributes all major scientific discoveries to men and can’t even get basic anthropology right.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

That’s Charlie Sheen’s face, isn’t it?

Yep, it’s Sheen – it’s a heavily edited version of this picture:

http://i.imgur.com/229iMJO.jpg

Now, to figure out why I cared enough to Google that. ಠ_ಠ

EDIT: WP’s eating any images I link to rather than embed for some reason.

numerobis
numerobis
4 years ago

“Wife/daughter” is an intensely creepy pair of words to slash together.

Bina
4 years ago

Most human communication is non verbal.

O RLY? Citation needed.

Also, words, what are they for if we communicate nonverbally so very, very much? My poor little matter-lacking (because not enough testosterone) ladybrain needs answers! Please, dude, mansplain to me some more! But please, do it nonverbally, because your verbiage is nonsensical.

PS: I am nonverbally laughing at what I’m pretty sure is a very flaccid penis AND rump, hanging out of this guy’s nonverbal thong. Because as we all nonverbally know, men are deathly afraid that women will laugh at them. Margaret Atwood nonverbally told us so.

Flora
Flora
4 years ago

Well, in fairness, I wouldn’t want this guy nurturing any lifeform, let alone an infant, so maybe women (and most men) are better at it than him.

Also, I’d be delighted to show him my ever growing pile of scientific degrees and publications. I’m sure his scientific achievements are much greater as a man, because his brain is so much more STEM.
(Who just got 90+% in her graduate level biostatistics and epidemiology courses? This lady right here :D)

Sigh :/
Sigh :/
4 years ago

Well I for one, can honestly say a man with a sexual organ on his face or wearing a thong with an erection, really isn’t going to do it for me.

But maybe there’s too much inbreeding in my genes 20,000 year evolutionary history, and I’m just odd.

BTW Charles Miller, you win the interweb today! Genius.

S.

Nobody Special
Nobody Special
4 years ago

From OP

First of all, I don’t have a “wife/daughter

According to some sources, D. Trump does.

numerobis
December 20, 2016 at 10:29 pm
“Wife/daughter” is an intensely creepy pair of words to slash together.

And D. Trump is an intensely creepy man. Coincidence?

Sigh :/
Sigh :/
4 years ago

@Flora
“(Who just got 90+% in her graduate level biostatistics and epidemiology courses? This lady right here :D)”

Well done you!!! Great stuff 🙂

S.

iknklast
iknklast
4 years ago

Would any biologists care to comment on these, er, facts

Sure…but, no, because as a woman biologist, I probably don’t even have a brain, let alone enough matter (white or gray) to actually answer. I probably got my degree by being given a lot of breaks by the oh, so, politically correct establishment, and maybe sleeping with my professor (no, please, don’t start that rumor – I DID NOT sleep with her!)

Why do I suspect this guy has never invented anything in his life (except maybe an occasional non sequitur, and that’s hardly a unique or even particularly useful invention).

Ktoryx
Ktoryx
4 years ago

So… rational…

Nobody Special
Nobody Special
4 years ago

Er, sexual organs on a man’s face? How exactly did we get from winking to sexual organs on a man’s face?

By watching Steve Martin’s Roxanne perhaps?

TreePerson
TreePerson
4 years ago

Non verbal communication can be taken as consent,
to verbally (or via some other unambiguous means such as text) ask for consent to do something else (an unambiguous affirmative answer is required to actually proceed).

This applies to many areas beyond just sex.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

At first I was willing to give our necro troll the benefit of the doubt and assume the 20,000 years of evolution was a typo and he meant 200,000 years. Then he repeated the mistake. It’s kind of hard to buy that all men are superior to all women in science if you can’t even come close to the correct number of years humans have been around.

Things that this fellow regarded as “provocative” included jeans, high heels, exposed hair.

Exposed hair? Does exposed leg or armpit hair count as being unbearably sexy?

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Relevant

comment image

gijoel
gijoel
4 years ago

Speedos are colloquially known as ‘Budgie-smugglers’ in Australia. I’ll let you figure that one out.

Dr. Thang
Dr. Thang
4 years ago

I totally get where Jon is coming from. Just last week, this woman was hitting on me, and I mean, she could not have been coming on to me harder! So I put down my binoculars, walked over to her apartment building across the street, found her room, knocked on her door, and told her that I saw her changing near her window and that my answer is yes, I will have sex with her, and she acted like I was some kinda creep! She was the one who wanted me, why else would she be dressed so provocatively within my field of vision? Oh well, women don’t make any sense, I guess it’s just that white matter they don’t have in brain from 20,000 evolution.

PaganReader
4 years ago

I don’t put them on my cats

I’m sure your kitties are very relieved by that fact, Dave.

Ha! I didn’t bork the blockquotes!

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

It’s always funny to me that “Speedo” has become the universal term for small, tight men’s bathing suit. Speedo is just a brand name. When I was a diver I used to wear them all the time.

Basically this
comment image

Did I just commit misandry by posting that picture? Neat!

Nobody Special
Nobody Special
4 years ago

Dr. Thang, I can also see where he’s coming from. I mean, you take a lady breakfast in bed you’d expect a little appreciation but no, it’s always “WHO ARE YOU?” and “HOW DID YOU GET INTO MY HOUSE?” and “I’M CALLING THE POLICE”.

TreePerson
TreePerson
4 years ago

@weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee
Its like how “band-aid” is a brand that makes adhesive bandages.

And one would think the female equivalent of “man in thong with erection” would be “women in thong with wet spot” not “exposing hair”.

Ray of Rays
Ray of Rays
4 years ago

Speaking as a male with superior science knowledge…I was unaware before now that “white matter” was a thing. What’s the difference between that and gray?

The Real Cie
The Real Cie
4 years ago

Women: Them lack that white matter in brain that is created by 20,000 evolution and male testosterone. Very smarty smart MRA say so.

Misty
Misty
4 years ago

*Emerges from under rock*

90+% in graduate level biostatistics and epidemiology? Damn, but that’s impressive and awesome! Great job, congratulations!

Okay, I’ll go back in hiding now.

*Hides*

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

@Ray of Rays

Assuming my recently-obtained A in my Introduction to Brain and Behavior course means anything….I believe white matter is correlated with swift and simple brain input processing. Others, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

guest
guest
4 years ago

This is reminding me of another one of my pet hates, trainers who encourage people to be aware of their body language by telling them that ‘93% of communication is nonverbal’ as if this is a fact (I’ve heard this twice in the past year). That doesn’t even pass the basic common sense test–if it were true, how could people communicate at all via writing or talking on the phone?

http://ubiquity.acm.org/article.cfm?id=2043156

Also congrats Flora.

Ariblester
Ariblester
4 years ago

So, Jon’s entire thesis is “Women have attributes that are attractive to males, and vice versa. However, since women are irrational and unintelligent because reasons, they are only fit for being ogled and bedded. Conversely, men are responsible for all the triumphs of rational thought. Since men become uncomfortable in the presence of said physical attributes, therefore women should hide their physical attributes to avoid inconveniencing men”?

How about, fuck you, just a little, you fragile snowflake. It’s not society’s job to make sure that you can properly function in it without having unwanted boners.

dust bunny
dust bunny
4 years ago

That face that has been photoshopped onto the nail gun holding dude is the current president of Finland, Sauli Niinistö.

Edit: adding image
comment image?itok=S6MZR-2G

Ooglyboggles
4 years ago

@Flora

Well, in fairness, I wouldn’t want this guy nurturing any lifeform, let alone an infant, so maybe women (and most men) are better at it than him.

Also, I’d be delighted to show him my ever growing pile of scientific degrees and publications. I’m sure his scientific achievements are much greater as a man, because his brain is so much more STEM.
(Who just got 90+% in her graduate level biostatistics and epidemiology courses? This lady right here :D)

I am in complete and utter awe. Congratulations, just congratulations, you have won in life in spades.

Snowberry
Snowberry
4 years ago

I don’t get that at all. I mean, I’m not bothered the slightest by men, thongs, men in thongs, men with erections, men in thongs with erections, cucumbers in thongs, David Bowies, or David Bowies in thongs sucking on cucumbers. The last of those might be a bit of a turn-on, though. I am bothered by cats in thongs, because why would you even do that?

More seriously, I consider nudity and biological functions in general to be utterly unremarkable. Well, unless you’re doing something extremely rude and/or unsanitary like peeing on the carpet. I’ve even given other people permission to have sex on my bed, though admittedly I washed it afterward just in case. Not sure if it’s because my disgust meter is broken (I’ve noted that the uncanny valley isn’t even a thing for me) or if I’m just extremely un-neurotic about biological realities.

EJ (The Orphic Lizard)

Congrats Flora!

Also, Dr Thang and Nobody Special have gotten me giggling like a loon right now. That’s exactly what I needed this morning, thanks.

In return, have a picture of a kitty in a thong.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2016/09/06/16/37F6085D00000578-3776250-image-a-30_1473175457244.jpg

Neurite
Neurite
4 years ago

@Ray of Rays:

This is rather oversimplified, but white matter is the insulation that goes around neurons, which make up the gray matter.

So neurons/gray matter are the “cables” conducting and integrating the electrical impulses in the central nervous system, while white matter (made up of something called “glia”) is the stuff that wraps around those cables, keeps them from leaking electricity along the way, and makes conductance efficient and speedy.

Of course, nothing is ever quite that simple, and we’re finding out that, rather than simply being inert insulation material, white matter may in fact contribute to some of the signaling and processing in more subtle ways, but for general intents and purposes that’s a good way to think about white vs. gray matter.

Ledasmom
Ledasmom
4 years ago

He appears to not know the difference between “hitting a girl” and “hitting on a girl”. I wish I were more surprised.

Christina Nordlander
Christina Nordlander
4 years ago

This guy must be so good at biology. Oh, and of course he’s upset by seeing Speedo-wearing men with erections. Personally I couldn’t give less of a fuck, but then I’m a humourless man-hating feminist.

And I’m really impressed by the number of scientifically accomplished women in this commentariat. Me, I studied the Classics, which I’m sure the guy in OP would say is all about sitting around talking about your feelings and how literature makes you feel. (Because learning Ancient Greek grammar is just that easy.)

@EJ: thank you for posting that picture, your kitty is beautiful and made my day.

latsot
latsot
4 years ago

ChrisW:

I’m just going to mention one thing. The only person to win two science Nobels was a woman, Madame Curie.

Not actually the only one, but the first and the only one to win Nobels in two different sciences, I think.

EJ (The Orphic Lizard)

(Sadly that’s not my kitty. My previous kitty is sadly late of old age (she was 13, which is a venerable age for a kitty as ferocious as her) and my current flat doesn’t allow pets so I can’t get a new one. Sadface.)

I wanted to pop back into this thread because I just had an excellent conversation with a learned female scientist, and thought that the internet needed to know. We talked about some numbers I had come up with yesterday, and about her rugby team’s successes, and about the correct recipe for mulled wine.

The scientist in question makes a point of wearing makeup every day. I haven’t heard anybody comment on this; it just seems to be the way she feels confident. Some other women in our team don’t wear any makeup, and I haven’t heard commentary on that either. One person in a team next door goes around in six inch spike heels; she’s said to be really good at her field, and since this is the case nobody cares what her taste in footwear is.

Dear Jon: you may believe that it is a man’s job to be a scientist and a woman’s job to look decorative. However, based on the scientists I interact with on a daily basis, you’re full of shit.

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

And I’m really impressed by the number of scientifically accomplished women in this commentariat.

That’s what I love the most about MRAs’ constant galahing of WOMZ CAN’T SCIENCE. I mean, it’s laughably stupid no matter where they say it, but here of all places? Christ. It’s just a shame I can’t slap ’em down with my latest paper (for privacy reasons).

Pie
Pie
4 years ago

@Benevolent Wine

I could name numerous scientists off the top of my head..
Curie, Grace Hopper, Carson… etc etc..

If I weren’t so entirely lazy, I’d be tempted to do a little study on unsuspecting people in the real world, asking them to name some male or female scientists.

The list of famous female scientists is depressingly short (instead of, you know, the list of important ones) and I’d be pleasantly surprised if J. Random Poll Victim could name five women in science at all, let alone five without mentioning Curie (or “women in computing” without mentioning Hopper or Lovelace).

Thinking about it a little more though, I wonder if said theoretical entirely average person could name many male scientists, either. The pool of famous male scientists is a little larger, but I wonder who else might be generally well known other than Newton and Einstein.

Maybe I’ll try this on my relatives and their associated hangers-on this christmas. Not that I’m a good enough statistician to be able to work out how you can differentiate sexist biases from anti-intellectual biases or just plain ignorance…

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

That’s what I love the most about MRAs’ constant galahing of WOMZ CAN’T SCIENCE.

Piss, too tired to catch myself. That means “Squawking (or, in other contexts, acting) like total idiots,” sorry. =P

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

Oh my GLaDOS in Aperture.

Remember the collective bonersad that was #Buttgate, when one of Tracer’s poses in Overwatch was ever-so-slightly changed to be less male-gazey and more in line with her character and the #Gits flipped out as only #Gits can?

She’s gay.

I believe the word for this is “Gigglesplosion.”

Dr Space Junk
Dr Space Junk
4 years ago

Lise Meitner, Emmy Noether, Cecelia Payne-Gaposhkin, Rosalind Franklin, Jocelyn Bell Burnell, Caroline Hershel, Emilie du Chatelet, Mary Leakey, just a few scientists to contemplate.

Neremanth, 329 year old Contributor to Society
Neremanth, 329 year old Contributor to Society
4 years ago

So, men express their sexuality by making it public knowledge when they’re experiencing desire, while women express their sexuality by publicly displaying those parts of their bodies which are most likely to induce desire in others? Ok, got it!

(Congratulations to Flora – those are some truly excellent marks!)

Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
4 years ago

He’s calling men animals. That’s really what this is. Most of that text of his comes down to ”men are animals”. It’s just more dehumanizing anti-male bullshit i keep hearing out of MRAs. And these shitstains have the gall to call feminists misandrists.

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