What is like a man with a boner wearing a small tight thong? One idiot has the answer

Do you like riddles? I do. Here’s my favorite:

What goes around a button?

You might think the answer is “a buttonhole.” But you would be WRONG!

Well, technically, you would be right, but the correct answer to this riddle is “a goat.”

Because goats go around a-buttin.’ You know, like butting things.

Ok, that joke only works when you say it out loud, and it’s a bit of an open question as to whether it works at all. It’s from a very old and very bad book of jokes and riddles I encountered as a child.

Look, I didn’t say I liked GOOD riddles. I sort of prefer the terrible ones.

And I’m in luck! A few days ago a drive-by commenter left a giant angry dump of a comment in response to one of my posts from way back in 2011. I didn’t let the comment through moderation, but it contained a riddle, of sorts, that I would like to share with you all.

What “is similar to a man wearing small tight thongs and having an erection?”

Set aside the issue of why this fellow is wearing more than one thong, and see what you can come up with.

A banana in a bikini?

A sausage in a small hammock?

A roll of quarters in a diaper?

I’m running out of ideas here.

One of those long balloons that they make balloon animals out of, inside a bag that’s too small for it?

Nope!

The answer is: “Women wearing provocative clothes.”

Let’s let Jon explain it:

Women wearing provocative clothes is similar to a man wearing small tight thongs and having an erection. HOw would you feel men hanging out like that? WOuld you invite them to meet your wife/daughter?

First of all, I don’t have a “wife/daughter.” And I am troubled by Jon’s assumption that I am anti-thong, when it comes to men. I’m not. Dude thongs are fine, in moderation. I’m wearing one right now. I require visitors to put on thongs before entering my apartment. I put them on my cats, when I can catch them.

NOTE TO EXTREMELY LITERAL-MINDED READERS: I’m not really wearing a thong. I don’t actually require visitors to put on thongs before entering my apartment. I don’t put them on my cats. I was making some little jokes. That said, I don’t really care if guys wear thongs to the beach, though they should really cover up (and try to think of very unsexy things) if they get erections. As should anyone who gets an erection in public.

In the post that Jon is responding to, I took issue with a fellow who suggested that women who “dress … provocatively and leav[e] a man in an unfinished state of excitement” are essentially assaulting men. Things that this fellow regarded as “provocative” included jeans, high heels, exposed hair. Some of his other arguments were even more, er, provocative.

But let’s get back to Jon, who had many further thoughts and theories he wanted to share with me and my readers, most of which involved explaining how totally wrong he thinks I am, and most of which have nothing to do with my post.

Here are his thoughts on non-verbal communication,

Most human communication is non verbal. For example, if I wink at your wife, are you ok with that? I am just winking right? No David (author) don’t be judgmental! Well that’s called “hitting a girl!”. So provocative outfits create the same sense as sexual organs on a man’s face. It sends non verbal sexual messages.

Er, sexual organs on a man’s face? How exactly did we get from winking to sexual organs on a man’s face?

Women are not a minority – they form 51% of the population and are a MAJORITY.

Thanks for the tip!

Women failures in mathematics, sciences, sports, jobs are not a man’s fault.

How about grammatical errors made by men? Whose fault are they?

In fact most men are not anti-female. At the very least they usually love their mothers, grand mothers, daughters and maybe wives.

‘Maybe wives?” I’m sensing some bitterness here.

Women have failed in these areas as they are just not good enough and lack that white matter in brain that is created by 20,000 evolution and male testosterone. These are biological facts.

Would any biologists care to comment on these, er, facts?

Women do better than men in fields that require caring and nurturing such as certain medical fields (nursing, gynecology), giving birth to babies and raising them.

I will concede that having a uterus does give someone a bit of an advantage when it comes to giving birth to babies.

That said, I am not suggesting preventing women from pursuing their dreams but dont expect 50% of Einsteins and newtons to be women. In fact there has never been a great female scientist of the rank of newton, gauss, euler etc. All major scientific inventions (even minor ones actually) are all male.

WE INVENTED THE MAMMOTH TO FEED YOU.

Nature has designed the human female body to carry babies and be sexually attractive to a man. If this was not the case, human species would not have made it this far. It is the very reason that men have hair on their faces and a muscular body. Its called evolution and you cant (and there is no need to) challenge 20,000 years of human evolution.

Men have hair on their faces so … women can be sexy to them?

I’m thinking Jon might have mixed up some of his notes from Biology 101.

But speaking of sexy, let me just end this post with a dude in what appears to be a Speedo or Speedo equivalent.

I don’t know why, biologically speaking, he’s holding a nailgun, but then again I wasn’t paying careful attention in Biology 101 either.

Also it kind of looks like someone else’s face has been photoshopped over the original Speeo-wearer’s face. I have no idea why. Let’s just call that another riddle.