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I‘m not sure who drew the cartoon above, depicting the travails of a long-suffering “nice guy” as he tries to break down the emotional wall put up by a woman he has a crush on an obsession with.
It’s been floating around the internet for a while; on Twitter it’s been accompanied with the mocking caption: “A rare picture depicting the day to day life of our brothers in the friend zone.”
I doubt the original artist had any idea just how unsettling this cartoon really is. The pastel colors and delicate lines don’t save it from its inherent creepiness; if anything, they make it worse. Why is this dude so determined to tear down the wall his unfortunate crush is working so hard to construct? What’s he going to do once he breaks through, murder her with his love ax?
That last question isn’t even a joke, really.
Earlier this month, the cartoon was posted on the awesome blog A Good Cartoon, an ongoing catalog of cartoons that are not actually good at all, where it got the epic takedown it deserved.
One commenter asked:
how you gonna draw some shit that makes you look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and still feel like you’re the victim
Another added:
I DON’T *CHOP* UNDERSTAND *CHOP* WHY *CHOP* YOU CAN’T *CHOP* JUST *CHOP* LET ME *CHOP* BONE YOU *CHOP* ON AN INDEFINITE *CHOP* EXCLUSIVE *CHOP* BASIS *CHOP* WHEN *CHOP* I’M *CHOP* SO *CHOP* NIIIIIIIIIIIICE *CHOP*
But it was someone called Digital Discipline who offered the ultimate retort, in the form of a poem (“The Craven”) by Edgar Allan Bro:
Incessantly, I heard a smacking,
as of some entitled dipshit whacking,
whacking on my chamber door.Resignedly, I placed another layer,
voicing a quiet, repeated prayer,
“This dude thinks he’s a player,
but I am not a point to score,
he should f*ck off and bother me no more.”Quoth the friendzoned, “F*cking wh*re.”
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE
H/T — @catmara73
> Nice Guy™ works to break down obvious emotional barrier that The Object of His Obsession is building between them.
> Nice Guy™ can’t take an obvious fucking hint that she’s not interested in him at all, so she has to bluntly say that he’s creepy and she doesn’t want anything to do with him.
> Nice Guy™ shouts that he’s been SO NICE to her and that should give him the rights to her emotions, a relationship with her, and her body, but she’s denying it to him.
> Nice Guy™ thinks that this makes her A Bitch.
> Nice Guy™ still somehow thinks he’s the tragic hero of this story.
Shit, Handsome Jack’s got nothing on this level of narcissism.
Listen Nice Guys™, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you did for a person before you confess your feelings to them, and neither should they.
What you did before you say “I love/like you and I want to be in a relationship with you” is rendered moot the moment you say it.
You shouldn’t do “nice” things for people with the expectation you’ll get something out of it, because that’s not nice. That’s an asshole move.
Also, I’m going to leave this here:
Ahh Sinkable John it sounds like you are having an awful time and I’m so sorry. I am sending you e-hugs to accept or not accept as is your preference.
Well, darn, that’s what I get for pre writing something and then just copying and pasting when I got confirmation that it was morse code before taking the dog for a short jaunt.
Anyway, this should be more readable.
. . – /. – . /. – / – . / . / . – . / – . . / . – – – / – . – / . – . . / – – – / . – . . / – . . . / . . – / – / . . . . – / . – . / . / . – / . – . . / – . – – / . . – / – – . / . / – . / . / . – . / – . .
http://i.imgur.com/8O8ds4y.png
I almost never comment, but hot damn was that poem excellent. Totally bookmarking that one.
“Love ax”? Oh dear, that calls to mind such awful images…
http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/-tkAAOSw14xWJ~EL/s-l1600.jpg
And such awful SMELLS, too.
The same thread has an even better one!
““Nice guy!” said I, “Total dildo–nice guy still if nerd or dudebro,
Whether reddit sent, or whether romcoms tossed thee here ashore,
Barely known yet still entitled, holding now your Tom Waits vinyl,
Begging me for something primal, tell me truly, I implore
Is this–is this shit for fucking real? Tell me, tell me, I implore!
Quoth the friendzoned, “Fucking whore.”
“Nice guy!” said I, “Total dildo–nice guy still if nerd or dudebro,
By the mores that you abuse thus, by those films we both adore,
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, by stalking me through Facebook,
You have gained a twisted outlook of whom those tropes are for,
Paint a rare and radiant dream girl whilst you remain a bore,
Quoth the friendzoned, “Fucking whore.”
“Be that slur our sign of parting, creep or douche!” I shrieked, upstarting,
“Get thee back to lonely anguish and your friend’s used comic store!
Leave no white rose as a token of the lust you claim heartbroken,
Leave my scathing words to soak in! Quit the name calling of ‘whore’,
When you lust for every girl, but when they say nay they are whores!
Quoth the friendzoned, “Fucking whore.”
And the friendzoned, never scoring, still imploring, still imploring,
On some fetid old subreddit for a girl who will adore
The nicer guys and not the “douchebags”, unaware that it’s a red flag
To be his soulmate o’er him learning they both like the movie Thor
To fuck him for being nerdy even though he is a bore,
Then she says no–fucking whore.”
Hi. I’m @digitaldiscipline on tumblr (and @etcet on twitter), and, yes – I’ve seen the cartoon go around a couple of times before I was, er, inspired by the seasonal influx of Poe in October to add that particular bit of doggerel (and sent hearty kudos to the tumblrite who added the much more comprehensive variant a few weeks later).
I’m glad it’s gotten such a positive reception (and I feel somewhat bad for all the new eyeballs my tumblr has gotten as a result, because, by and large, I mostly reblog social justice rants, Leverage commentary, pictures of my cats, and workout selfies).
I cringe when I see Axe in any male friend’s bathroom…but I love this ad.
@Handsome Jack
+other decoders
“help me” is indeed the correct translation!
And shucks, y’all. I’m still awfully rusty, but I’m glad you guys enjoyed the tune!
(I intended for the code to be worked into a potential final song.)
and yes i fully expected the actual character hj and the commenter hj juxtaposition to end badly
I’mma make soup now.
@ handsome jack
You might enjoy having a look at the ‘STENDEC’ mystery. That’s all about deciphering a Morse code message.
(a major part of it being whether the message was in fact ‘stendec’)
@Jack
Ohg jul?
Welcome Rafe!
Feel free to drop the kitty pictures in here too
Knock knock, it’s Nice Guy. Let me in you fucking Chad-loving whore.
@Alan
That STENDEC thing was interesting. I love deciphering things and mysteries.
>:| This is what I get. See you in a week. (Because I’m actually really bad at deciphering even though I like it.)
(Like this is probably a reference to something but like I said I suck at deciphering.)
But, on the bright side, I’ve made something for Troubelle if she wants it. In contrast, it uses special ciphers which she’ll know of (and probably anyone who knows the character on it). It’s not much but I think it’s got a lot going for it.
@Handsome Jack
Lay it on me.
@Jack
Sorry. To make up for it, here’s a cool cipher you can learn about, if you don’t already know it (it’s not what I used in my message):
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vigenère_cipher
I like that one even if it’s a pain to use. 🙂
@Troubelle
http://i.imgur.com/sHyLiRP.png
All of it is very easy peas. Honestly, parts are nice but everything else is just dumb. It’s so dumb. I put more effort into this and jumping through dumb, dumb hoops for something that’s dumb I can’t believe it.
Hope I didn’t misspell anything. And that you can read it.
@kupo
Can I at least get a hint to WHAT kind of cipher you used? Substitution? Is it one used in a movie? Just…baby hints?
@Handsome Jack
I need to tidy up soup and then I’ll….gather my wits and the relevant wiki. (I’m ashamed to say that while I recall this is a thing, I haven’t got it memorized.)
Welcome, @Rafe B ! Anyone who can write that sorta slam poetry on the fly is more than welcome here. Especially when the poem is surrounded by cats!
@Troubelle
I had to look it up, too. Honestly, unless you wanna write exclusively in it, there’s really no need to memorize a cipher when you’ve got the key online, so no shame. Honestly, it’s not that hard. None of it is. You just need to pay attention to some things, is all. (And then you’ll see the dumbass message I left it’s so dumb.)
@Jack
It’s one of the oldest known ciphers.
Edit: and the version of it I used is probably the most common one used today.
That Edgar Allen Bro poem is the highlight of this whole gig
@Handsome Jack
ursonsrgreatnerd
utus
eudthusunpaunt
lol
I feel like I booched something.
@kupo
Lbh wrex. Jung fbeg bs darfgve vs gung.