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Quoth the friendzoned, f**king whore: Edgar Allan Bro takes on a Nice Guy with an ax

Careful with that ax, Eugene

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I‘m not sure who drew the cartoon above, depicting the travails of a long-suffering “nice guy” as he tries to break down the emotional wall put up by a woman he has a crush on an obsession with.

It’s been floating around the internet for a while; on Twitter it’s been accompanied with the mocking caption: “A rare picture depicting the day to day life of our brothers in the friend zone.”

I doubt the original artist had any idea just how unsettling this cartoon really is. The pastel colors and delicate lines don’t save it from its inherent creepiness; if anything, they make it worse. Why is this dude so determined to tear down the wall his unfortunate crush is working so hard to construct? What’s he going to do once he breaks through, murder her with his love ax?

That last question isn’t even a joke, really.

Earlier this month, the cartoon was posted on the awesome blog A Good Cartoon, an ongoing catalog of cartoons that are not actually good at all, where it got the epic takedown it deserved.

One commenter asked:

how you gonna draw some shit that makes you look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and still feel like you’re the victim

Another added:

I DON’T *CHOP* UNDERSTAND *CHOP* WHY *CHOP* YOU CAN’T *CHOP* JUST *CHOP* LET ME *CHOP* BONE YOU *CHOP* ON AN INDEFINITE *CHOP* EXCLUSIVE *CHOP* BASIS *CHOP* WHEN *CHOP* I’M *CHOP* SO *CHOP* NIIIIIIIIIIIICE *CHOP*

But it was someone called Digital Discipline who offered the ultimate retort, in the form of a poem (“The Craven”) by Edgar Allan Bro:

Incessantly, I heard a smacking,
as of some entitled dipshit whacking,
whacking on my chamber door.

Resignedly, I placed another layer,
voicing a quiet, repeated prayer,
“This dude thinks he’s a player,
but I am not a point to score,
he should f*ck off and bother me no more.”

Quoth the friendzoned, “F*cking wh*re.”

THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE

H/T — @catmara73

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Falconer
Falconer
4 years ago

Haven’t these guys seen The Shining?

Oh wait, they probably think Jack Nicholson’s character is a role model.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

I recall this from agoodcartoon quite fondly.

-waves arms at @dlouwe-

JS
JS
4 years ago

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!

Judas Peckerwood
Judas Peckerwood
4 years ago

Badly drawn ax or badly drawn sledgehammer? Super-creepy, regardless…

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

I’m not quite sure how this started or when this shit’ll end
But I think it turned around when my phone to him I did lend
After I got it back seems he was blowin’ it up
And upon no meal could I sup
without his
Gaze beatin’ down on my body through the window
Nobody’d fucking ask for this
I don’t know why he’s doing this, but it doesn’t matter all that much
When he swears up and down to give me something tangentially resembling “bliss”

…. . .-.. .–. — .

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
4 years ago

So… why am I getting the worst sense of déjà-vu I’ve ever had, and why does my brain believe so strongly that I’ve already seen that cartoon, and read that poem, a pretty fucking long time ago ?

I’m gonna whip out the google-fu now to figure out where and when, before I start questioning more of my own sanity.

@Judas Peckerwood

It’s a hamaxe.

Not to be confused with the picksaw.

ETA : @Troubelle

Nice one ! Weirdly enough, I’m hearing this to the tune of Knopfler’s Heavy Fuel. Go figure.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

….mwee, that’s today’s scratch out. I swear I’ll warm up again soon.

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Glad to see I was far from the only one who instantly thought of The Shining!

Or else that season 3 episode of Angel with the half human half demon who’s blood turns men into violent misogynists. Billy. That was the scariest episode in the whole Buffy/Angel universe. Even more than Hush.

ramen
ramen
4 years ago

That cartoon doesn’t look friendly to Nice Guys, to me. I could be wrong, but—to me—even that bizarre day-to-day-life-in-the-friend-zone caption doesn’t make the image look sympathetic to the dude. The image makes the caption seem tacked-on and oblivious instead.

AthVeg34F
AthVeg34F
4 years ago

That poem restores my faith in humanity.

Truly great. (Even the moniker “Edgar Allan Bro” was brilliant.)

Ooglyboggles
4 years ago

That girl should really take a few ques from Rogal Dorn. Either the guy would be discouraged and leave because he can’t pierce her impenetrable fortress, or he turns to Chaos, thus giving the girl the moral victory of not submitting to a creepy guy who can’t hear the word “no.”

Conan the Librarian
Conan the Librarian
4 years ago

Dude, a bit of friendly advice – if she’s actually building a wall to keep you away from her, it’s seriously time to put down that ax and move on.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

Ha, I remember seeing this a while back.

@Troubelle

*tosses away scrap paper* Is that…is that morse code?

leftwingfox
leftwingfox
4 years ago

Sinkable John: I think it’s been… er…. tumbling around tumblr for a while now, and resurfaces on agoodcartoon.tumblr.com when something interesting gets appended.

Viscaria
Viscaria
4 years ago

@SinkableJohn

So… why am I getting the worst sense of déjà-vu I’ve ever had, and why does my brain believe so strongly that I’ve already seen that cartoon, and read that poem, a pretty fucking long time ago ?

I think AGoodCartoon actually put this cartoon up quite a while ago, and that addition to the post is from the original go-around. It’s been gaining tumblr traction again lately and so AGC has been reblogging it with some of the new additions that have been popping up, which is I think probably why Dave thought it was quite new. I never get sick of this one, though, so I’m happy to see it posted here.

Ninjaed a couple of times 😊

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
4 years ago

@ramen

Remember, we’re talking about a bunch of dudes who think that threatening to murder judges is good PR.

Laugher at Bigots
4 years ago

@Jack:

Yes, and it appears to read “HEL<AR>”. I don’t know what that means.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
4 years ago

@leftwingfox & Viscaria

That explains everything, including why my reverse searches only turned up pages I’d never visited before.

THANK YOU. I was actually, seriously starting to question my already-failing memory even more and I was fucking crying for fuck’s sake. This day’s really looking for the most egregious ways to get any worse.

JSun
JSun
4 years ago

What bothers me the most about this is that there are people who believe the girl is the one who’s being an asshole in this cartoon…

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Laughter at Bigots

*retrieves scrap paper* I got Helrte, whatever that is…

(If it is morse code Troubelle knows my weakness and she must be eliminated. You ALL must be eliminated. No one must know my love of deciphering things.)

Ooglyboggles
4 years ago

@JSun
The one thing that frightens me about that image is how isolated the entire scenario is. There isn’t anyone who is noticing or intervening so this girl is forced to build her barrier until someone comes and lends her a helping hand and drive him away.

EDIT: Wait, that said “help me”? Google kept telling me that the code was for “eel”

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

The code says HELPME. Aww, Troubelle, I thought it was great <3

((The font here translates a double-dash as an em-dash, and compresses ellipsi into a single character. Otherwise, you can translate here))

As for the original post? Have seen that cartoon before, and the poem (which is awesome). I blame our cultural position on love, really. Men are supposed to pursue women until they finally “lower their barriers”. ‘Cause women are prizes that guys win by putting in enough effort.

Fuck every rom-com and every romantic drama piece ever. Eugh. And fuck every guy who doesn’t have the empathy or werewithal to realize that they’re watching a goddamn movie, and standing outside of a womans’ apartment in the rain after she’s thrown you out isn’t romantic and it won’t win her back, it’s just gonna creep her out and confirm to her that she made the right choice.

I am acidic today, jees!

NicolaLuna - epic slut
NicolaLuna - epic slut
4 years ago

I wandered lonely as a bro
That won’t do less than a HB8,
When all at once I saw a chick,
That was too hot to even rate;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
It wasn’t creepy when I begged her,
“Pay attention to me please”

I put her on a pedestal
I pretended that I was her friend
But only did nice things for her
As a means to an end

I gazed and gazed but little thought
That relationships are not bought:
Niceness coins as currency
For sex, makes perfect sense to me.
It must be that she likes bad boys,
and superficial, shallow toys.
These grapes aren’t sour, I just don’t want more,
I’m a Nice Guy, You’re a whore.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

The code says HELPME. Aww, Troubelle, I thought it was great <3

GASP Troubelle it was AMAZING tho.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/d7e447482fc9bb9f18472aa44d2a6542/tumblr_na6db864421rz6w0do2_500.gif

I love your songs.

..- .-. .- -. . .-. -.. .— -.- .-.. — .-.. -… ..- – ….- .-. . .- .-.. -.– ..- –. . -. . .-. -..

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

@Ooglyboggles, I dunno if I get the same from it, myself. I get a look of determination or at least resignation from the girl. She knows the drill. Get up, get dressed eat breakfast, lay down another course of bricks, head to school. Dude looks oblivious, like he’s tearing the wall down so he can fetch the wallet he left behind it.

The sad thing for me is exactly that, though, really. How normalized it is for the both of them. She’s building defenses as the everyday chore it is, he’s battering away obliviously, thinking about what he’s gonna get on the other side and not that she’s putting those goddamn bricks there for a reason.

The anime art style is about right, though. Rom-com anime is basically a primer in how to treat women as objects with value only along certain axes. Apologies to anyone who likes it, but I can’t bring myself to watch any of that stuff.

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

> Nice Guy™ works to break down obvious emotional barrier that The Object of His Obsession is building between them.

> Nice Guy™ can’t take an obvious fucking hint that she’s not interested in him at all, so she has to bluntly say that he’s creepy and she doesn’t want anything to do with him.

> Nice Guy™ shouts that he’s been SO NICE to her and that should give him the rights to her emotions, a relationship with her, and her body, but she’s denying it to him.

> Nice Guy™ thinks that this makes her A Bitch.

> Nice Guy™ still somehow thinks he’s the tragic hero of this story.

Shit, Handsome Jack’s got nothing on this level of narcissism.

Listen Nice Guys™, I don’t give a rat’s ass what you did for a person before you confess your feelings to them, and neither should they.

What you did before you say “I love/like you and I want to be in a relationship with you” is rendered moot the moment you say it.

You shouldn’t do “nice” things for people with the expectation you’ll get something out of it, because that’s not nice. That’s an asshole move.

Also, I’m going to leave this here:

comment image

Viscaria
Viscaria
4 years ago

Ahh Sinkable John it sounds like you are having an awful time and I’m so sorry. I am sending you e-hugs to accept or not accept as is your preference.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

((The font here translates a double-dash as an em-dash, and compresses ellipsi into a single character. Otherwise, you can translate here))

Well, darn, that’s what I get for pre writing something and then just copying and pasting when I got confirmation that it was morse code before taking the dog for a short jaunt.

Anyway, this should be more readable.

. . – /. – . /. – / – . / . / . – . / – . . / . – – – / – . – / . – . . / – – – / . – . . / – . . . / . . – / – / . . . . – / . – . / . / . – / . – . . / – . – – / . . – / – – . / . / – . / . / . – . / – . .

Shit, Handsome Jack’s got nothing on this level of narcissism.

http://i.imgur.com/8O8ds4y.png

TX DEPT. OF BRAD RELATIONS
TX DEPT. OF BRAD RELATIONS
4 years ago

I almost never comment, but hot damn was that poem excellent. Totally bookmarking that one.

Bina
4 years ago

“Love ax”? Oh dear, that calls to mind such awful images…

http://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/-tkAAOSw14xWJ~EL/s-l1600.jpg

And such awful SMELLS, too.

Ktoryx
Ktoryx
4 years ago

The same thread has an even better one!

““Nice guy!” said I, “Total dildo–nice guy still if nerd or dudebro,
Whether reddit sent, or whether romcoms tossed thee here ashore,
Barely known yet still entitled, holding now your Tom Waits vinyl,
Begging me for something primal, tell me truly, I implore
Is this–is this shit for fucking real? Tell me, tell me, I implore!
Quoth the friendzoned, “Fucking whore.”

“Nice guy!” said I, “Total dildo–nice guy still if nerd or dudebro,
By the mores that you abuse thus, by those films we both adore,
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, by stalking me through Facebook,
You have gained a twisted outlook of whom those tropes are for,
Paint a rare and radiant dream girl whilst you remain a bore,
Quoth the friendzoned, “Fucking whore.”

“Be that slur our sign of parting, creep or douche!” I shrieked, upstarting,
“Get thee back to lonely anguish and your friend’s used comic store!
Leave no white rose as a token of the lust you claim heartbroken,
Leave my scathing words to soak in! Quit the name calling of ‘whore’,
When you lust for every girl, but when they say nay they are whores!
Quoth the friendzoned, “Fucking whore.”

And the friendzoned, never scoring, still imploring, still imploring,
On some fetid old subreddit for a girl who will adore
The nicer guys and not the “douchebags”, unaware that it’s a red flag
To be his soulmate o’er him learning they both like the movie Thor
To fuck him for being nerdy even though he is a bore,
Then she says no–fucking whore.”

Rafe B
4 years ago

Hi. I’m @digitaldiscipline on tumblr (and @etcet on twitter), and, yes – I’ve seen the cartoon go around a couple of times before I was, er, inspired by the seasonal influx of Poe in October to add that particular bit of doggerel (and sent hearty kudos to the tumblrite who added the much more comprehensive variant a few weeks later).

I’m glad it’s gotten such a positive reception (and I feel somewhat bad for all the new eyeballs my tumblr has gotten as a result, because, by and large, I mostly reblog social justice rants, Leverage commentary, pictures of my cats, and workout selfies).

guest
guest
4 years ago

I cringe when I see Axe in any male friend’s bathroom…but I love this ad.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

@Handsome Jack
+other decoders

“help me” is indeed the correct translation!

And shucks, y’all. I’m still awfully rusty, but I’m glad you guys enjoyed the tune!
(I intended for the code to be worked into a potential final song.)

and yes i fully expected the actual character hj and the commenter hj juxtaposition to end badly

I’mma make soup now.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ handsome jack

No one must know my love of deciphering things

You might enjoy having a look at the ‘STENDEC’ mystery. That’s all about deciphering a Morse code message.

(a major part of it being whether the message was in fact ‘stendec’)

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Jack

You ALL must be eliminated. No one must know my love of deciphering things.

Ohg jul?

weirwoodtreehugger: chief manatee

Welcome Rafe!

Feel free to drop the kitty pictures in here too

comment image

Latte Cat
Latte Cat
4 years ago

comment image

Knock knock, it’s Nice Guy. Let me in you fucking Chad-loving whore.

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Alan
That STENDEC thing was interesting. I love deciphering things and mysteries.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

Ohg jul?

>:| This is what I get. See you in a week. (Because I’m actually really bad at deciphering even though I like it.)

(Like this is probably a reference to something but like I said I suck at deciphering.)

But, on the bright side, I’ve made something for Troubelle if she wants it. In contrast, it uses special ciphers which she’ll know of (and probably anyone who knows the character on it). It’s not much but I think it’s got a lot going for it.

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

@Handsome Jack

Lay it on me.

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Jack
Sorry. To make up for it, here’s a cool cipher you can learn about, if you don’t already know it (it’s not what I used in my message):

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vigenère_cipher

I like that one even if it’s a pain to use. 🙂

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Troubelle

http://i.imgur.com/sHyLiRP.png

All of it is very easy peas. Honestly, parts are nice but everything else is just dumb. It’s so dumb. I put more effort into this and jumping through dumb, dumb hoops for something that’s dumb I can’t believe it.

Hope I didn’t misspell anything. And that you can read it.

@kupo

Can I at least get a hint to WHAT kind of cipher you used? Substitution? Is it one used in a movie? Just…baby hints?

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

@Handsome Jack

I need to tidy up soup and then I’ll….gather my wits and the relevant wiki. (I’m ashamed to say that while I recall this is a thing, I haven’t got it memorized.)

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

Welcome, @Rafe B ! Anyone who can write that sorta slam poetry on the fly is more than welcome here. Especially when the poem is surrounded by cats!

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@Troubelle

I had to look it up, too. Honestly, unless you wanna write exclusively in it, there’s really no need to memorize a cipher when you’ve got the key online, so no shame. Honestly, it’s not that hard. None of it is. You just need to pay attention to some things, is all. (And then you’ll see the dumbass message I left it’s so dumb.)

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Jack
It’s one of the oldest known ciphers.

Edit: and the version of it I used is probably the most common one used today.

CPphazor
CPphazor
4 years ago

That Edgar Allen Bro poem is the highlight of this whole gig

Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
Troubelle: Moonbeam Malcontent + Bard of the New Movement
4 years ago

@Handsome Jack

ursonsrgreatnerd

utus

eudthusunpaunt

lol

I feel like I booched something.

Handsome (Punkle Stan) Jack

@kupo

Lbh wrex. Jung fbeg bs darfgve vs gung.

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