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I‘m not sure who drew the cartoon above, depicting the travails of a long-suffering “nice guy” as he tries to break down the emotional wall put up by a woman he has a crush on an obsession with.
It’s been floating around the internet for a while; on Twitter it’s been accompanied with the mocking caption: “A rare picture depicting the day to day life of our brothers in the friend zone.”
I doubt the original artist had any idea just how unsettling this cartoon really is. The pastel colors and delicate lines don’t save it from its inherent creepiness; if anything, they make it worse. Why is this dude so determined to tear down the wall his unfortunate crush is working so hard to construct? What’s he going to do once he breaks through, murder her with his love ax?
That last question isn’t even a joke, really.
Earlier this month, the cartoon was posted on the awesome blog A Good Cartoon, an ongoing catalog of cartoons that are not actually good at all, where it got the epic takedown it deserved.
One commenter asked:
how you gonna draw some shit that makes you look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining and still feel like you’re the victim
Another added:
I DON’T *CHOP* UNDERSTAND *CHOP* WHY *CHOP* YOU CAN’T *CHOP* JUST *CHOP* LET ME *CHOP* BONE YOU *CHOP* ON AN INDEFINITE *CHOP* EXCLUSIVE *CHOP* BASIS *CHOP* WHEN *CHOP* I’M *CHOP* SO *CHOP* NIIIIIIIIIIIICE *CHOP*
But it was someone called Digital Discipline who offered the ultimate retort, in the form of a poem (“The Craven”) by Edgar Allan Bro:
Incessantly, I heard a smacking,
as of some entitled dipshit whacking,
whacking on my chamber door.Resignedly, I placed another layer,
voicing a quiet, repeated prayer,
“This dude thinks he’s a player,
but I am not a point to score,
he should f*ck off and bother me no more.”Quoth the friendzoned, “F*cking wh*re.”
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE
H/T — @catmara73
*ahem*
Upon review, it would appear that Jackie and I missed an opportunity. We apologize for this misstep, and we vow to do better in the future when it comes to making Borderlands references.
For the uninitiated: In Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel, there is a man named Mr. Torgue Flexington, the owner of Torgue Munitions (Their weapons tend to do extra explosive damage, a personal touch if you will). Mr. Flexington is loud, obnoxious, and can be rather rude.
However, despite being what some might consider the mythical MRA “Alpha Male” they pine for so much, he actually understands that the “friendzone” is misogynistic, and does actually take steps to correct his sexist behaviors.
http://66.media.tumblr.com/ed13d65844b50dde3de16729bd656098/tumblr_o17clpOfS71u1hc2qo1_500.jpg
Have the clip we should have shown you previously:
@PI
Mr. Torgue. Wonderful figure.
can’t believe he didn’t come up earlier really.
@Troubelle
We apologize for the delay but at least everyone gets to enjoy Torgue, who is the best and most amazing and I want him to adopt Tiny Tina so they can make awesome father-daughter explosives together they would be unstoppable.
Un-stoppable.
(aaaaAAAA I didn’t change my name on mobile yet fuckshitpisscokerspanielballs.)
There a term for situational awareness, or lack of, as it relates to social interaction? Cause anyone should realize that continuing to close in on someone trying to distance themselves is only going to make that person hate you. At that point you’re not a friend, rather something they have to deal with; politely, so that their “friend” doesn’t start acting out in a more aggressive manner.
I’ve had guys who got angry with me for “friendzoning” them. One of them was my ex boyfriend, who was an ex because of all the emotional abuse he heaped on me but I was still young and naive enough at the time that I thought it would be “the kind thing” to remain friends with him. I took him to a Halloween party given by one of my co-workers. I and one of my other co-workers started flirting with each other, and my ex boyfriend made a scene. I took him back to my apartment because his car was parked there. I thought he had left and I went to bed with all my clothes on. I woke up with my clothes off and him on top of me. I screamed (or more accurately, slurred) at him to stop. I was far too drunk to actually fight. Yes, I know I shouldn’t have been driving in that condition. When he was done, he said “well, now we’re back together.” I had back to back panic attacks during every waking hour for a year after this happened.
Less than a year later, my very screwed up self got into a really bad relationship with a guy who would do things like order me to kiss his feet and make me watch bestiality porn, threatening to pull his “love” away from me if I didn’t do what he asked. He ended up picking up some girl who worked at the video store where he got a lot of his porn (this was 1998) and then being angry with me for being upset that he was fooling around when he told me I was “the one.” I finally mustered the emotional wherewithal to break free of him, but not before I cut my wrists and showed up at his window begging him to let me in. The cuts were superficial, but I still have scars from them.
Following the breakup, a guy whom I considered a friend ended up emotionally browbeating me because I didn’t want to go out with him. I told him I’d just gotten out of a really bad relationship and didn’t want to get into another relationship at that point, if at all. He said “well, thanks for destroying my ego.” He claimed that the only reason I didn’t want to date him was because he was fat. Well, not being thin myself, that would be pretty hypocritical. Besides, on a physical level, I’ve been attracted to guys from Joey Ramone to John Goodman and every size in between. My reasons for not wanting to date this guy amounted to: I’d just gotten out of a really bad relationship, and I had a lot of problems. I didn’t know it at the time and wouldn’t find out for another twelve years, but I had untreated type 2 bipolar disorder. Also, he was kind of emotionally immature, and I already had an eight year old child, plus my ex husband who has Aspberger’s who was living with me as a roommate because he was between jobs. I didn’t need to add a 35 year old overgrown kid to the mix. Also, he said that thing which should always be a red flag: “I’m not like those other guys.”
This “nice guy” behavior ruined what had seemed to be a good friendship up to that point.
TL:DR If someone is “friendzoning” you, it may not be about you. But if you keep pressuring her, you’re going to lose her friendship. If you actually value said friendship, cut it out. If, on the other hand, you are a “nice guy,” do her a favor and leave her alone, because you really don’t care about anything but her vagina anyway.
Speaking of nice guys, from today’s Independent
http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/nice-guy-syndrome-dating-tactics-persona-men-women-relationships-a7476651.html?cmpid=facebook-post
@RosieLa, @The Real Cie
I’m so sorry that you had some truly terrible experiences.
I hope that this pain is in the past and that life is easier now.
@handsome Jack
I got a real giggle imagining a coked up spaniel before I realized you probably meant cocker spaniel.
Those bricks are being laid totally wrong – no stability, y’see. Unless they’ve been interlocked then before obsessed boy is much further in the whole lot is going to come crashing down on his poor noggin.
Kinda makes we wish I could fast-forward that picture another half-hour or so, just to see obsessed flat boy. Now, how did that song go?
‘What’s he gonna look like with a chimney on him?’.
*looks at axe*
*looks at Axe*
*tugs at collar*