Hey! It’s a long-overdue open thread for personal stuff! Post away. No trolls, Trump fans, MRAs. Email me if things get weird.
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Open thread for personal stuff: Autumn of our discontent edition
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
This semester has been especially rough. I’m struggling to keep my grades up well enough to make doing a thesis next year worth while. I’m in a group project right now that should have been an easy A. I suppose the grade we get will still be okay, but the defacto leader of the group has taken it upon himself to rewrite all of my code for no apparent reason. My working code. He says he’s “optimizing” it, but most of his optimizations aren’t necessary for a project of this scope. And often what he ends up doing is just breaking stuff I have done so that I have to now redo things that were finished. It’s a huge waste of time. My partner, a seasoned programmer, has reassured me that, no, I’m not being unreasonable in being completely baffled by this. It has been… odd to watch. This group member is a very nice person, but I’m definitely never working with him again, because jesus dude.
Hugs for all who need them. I’m sorry to hear so many of you are having a rough time. We’ve just had our first day without rain here in about a month, and coupled with daylight savings, it’s been hitting a number of people I know particularly hard.
I hate that. I’m not sure if this is an USian thing or an everywhere thing but people tie so much of their identity and the identity of others into things like their jobs or their looks that people think a career, beauty, marriage, status, whatever is a magic happiness pill.
When I was eating disordered I had this notion that if I get skinny enough (and that goal was always vague and ever shifting of course) I would be happy and confident. That’s not how our brains work but people can never understand that.
I’m sorry the people in your life don’t get it but you can always come here and vent if it’s any comfort at all.
In spite of everything, I’m doing okay– hope that doesn’t sound like a threadcrap here! My electronics projects are doing all right (though I have to go and exchange some resistors I bought– I needed 47 Ohm, not 470 Ohm), and on Thursday my husband and I are going to see A John Waters Christmas.
I’m also getting a big stack of Christmas/holiday cards printed (the poem I found is Christmas-themed, in its own very strange way, but many of the recipients celebrate other holidays, so I just wish them Happy Holidays). I hope people will like them…
Sending massive internet hugs to anyone who wants them. I hope you’re all doing as well as possible as soon as possible and that the hard times get easier.
I feel like this is probably a good place to explain why I’ve been absent for most of this year. I genuinely didn’t think people would notice I was gone as I wasn’t as much of a regular poster as some so thanks for the welcome I got on my return, it meant a lot.
So early in the year I almost lost my job because of a spiteful coworker throwing around allegations. The investigation went on for months and the end result was that he and another person lost their jobs but me and some coworkers he’d accused of things kept our jobs. But it sent me into a bit of a downward spiral with my mental health as the stress of being investigated was too much. Trying to prove that I hadn’t done the things he said was really difficult but in the end they realised he’d done it out of malice.
I was starting to get things back on track and was doing well. Applied for a part time degree at the open university that I can do on evenings and weekends as I have a full time job. Got a place on the course (it’s a BSc in environmental science) and got accepted for a student loan.
Then on 3rd September I was raped. It’s been a really shit 3 months. I spent a month on PEP (to prevent HIV) as this guy was a total stranger so I didn’t know his history. PEP wasn’t fun, I puked almost every day and lost 16lbs in a month. The police caught him pretty quick and he’s on bail until the evidence is all gathered and presented to the Crown Prosecution Service. If they decide there’s not a reasonable chance of conviction then he’ll walk free without charge. Luckily the housemate of this guy has written a statement that backs up mine but he wasn’t there for the actual incident so that isn’t in his statement.
I start counselling next week, the waiting list is huge and I’ve only just been allocated a counsellor. I also have a hospital appointment on Thursday as I may need surgery to fix some damage that was done that hasn’t healed properly.
But weirdly, since it happened I’ve been doing really well at work and getting 85% in my uni assignments and keeping on top of things more than I normally would. So maybe that’ll crash at some point or maybe not.
But it’s good to be back here. I’ve missed lots of you fantastic commenters and your insight into things that I’ve learned so much from. And also your troll roasting skills which are unrivalled.
Sending more hugs to you all. Xx
I’m adding some extra hugs to the pile for NicolaLuna.
Oh geez, Nicola. Good luck.
As someone in a similar situation, my sympathies.
I have a job, but it’s minimum wage retail work. My mom is getting married this Christmas to a guy (who is shady as fuck as far as I’m concerned but that’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish), and she expects me to be there for her wedding.
When she told me she was getting married, I was happy for her, and I still am (despite my misgivings about the shady-as-fuck dude she’s engaged to), but I can’t afford a six hundred dollar plane ticket to go to her wedding across the country, and I sincerely doubt I can get the time off to go, even for one day, because it’s Christmas.
As for the dude himself: He’s given all the hallmarks of a con-artist. He says he’s not in touch with his family because they want his money, he vanished off of Facebook as soon as my mom started “dating” him because he said he was being contacted by too many people, and he has her send him money via Western Union all the time because he supposedly works in Africa building roads and “can’t access his bank”.
It’s all shady as hell, and even other family members are in agreement with me about it.
My aunt even sent me this link, and I sent it to my mom explaining to her that I would love to be proven wrong, but this guy has hit enough of these points to worry me.
And of course, my mom has said nothing about it and has barely contacted me since, despite having my phone number my Facebook. And my grandma is also trying to silence any sort of dissent that we have, because she just wants my mom to be happy after all her shitty relationships.
And I do want my mom to be happy. But that means not being with someone who can potentially get her arrested for money laundering or some shit.
@Nicolaluna
lots of extra *hugs*
@Paradoxy
I dunno how much it helps, but he’s probably gonna ghost before the actual wedding. There’s basically no chance that your mom will end up in legal trouble over this. Financial and emotional is another story. (I have been in an analogous situation to yours, and got to watch it play the whole way through.
I see lots of other people here are worried about their or their loved ones’ healthcare being snatched out from under them.
I have multiple “pre-existing conditions” (if ever there were a phrase that needs to gtfo the English language…) and I’m terrified. I’m already disabled *with* medication, and I can’t imagine what would happen with out. And I live with other disabled family members. I’m already looking into low-cost clinics and low-income prescription help programs, but I’m afraid they’re going to be (understandably) overloaded if/when the ACA disappears.
My Buddhism has me trying really hard not to rage at the participants of the new kakistocracy, but good god it’s difficult.
I’ve begun learning Swedish on Duolingo in case I need to get out of the country. I don’t know how the hell I’d manage it, since I don’t have the money to move and I’m tied down by stuff like student loans on forbearance. But the impossible has already happened…so I’m gonna prepare as much as I can anyway.
I’m actually doing better. I’m on antidepressants now. My mind feels really empty though. It’s because I had a lot of intrusive thoughts, suicidal urges and paranoia, and those are pretty much gone. I don’t feel foggy.
I’m trying not to let the election bother me because I have school work to do. But when break rolls around, hooooo boy I’m going to get sad and angry again.
Almost all of my friends are queer, trans, and/or poor, and the only one who is neither is black and his parents are documented Jamaican immigrants. (He sat on his ex-friend and yelled at him for voting for Trump. That is why they aren’t friends anymore.)
So no one told me to stop freaking out. Even my dad is scared, snd he’s usually the positive soothsayer. He’s chronically ill/disabled. The only person who told me to stop talking about it was my sister, but that’s because she has even more intense feelings about it than I do. She has had nightmares.
Anyone who is scared, you are not alone and your feelings are valid.
@NicolaLuna I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope the person gets prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
Also, internet hugs to anyone who wants them.
This election has made me sad and angry in equal measure. I work in the mental health field (and just got my professional license–yay!) and I am afraid for my clients because all of them are on SSI/D or public assistance. They are already living in poverty and have difficulty getting doctor’s appointments because nobody wants to take Medicaid. I also worry about the decidedly fascist, nationalist, bigoted, misogynistic tilt out entire country just went on. All those people have been emboldened by the election of a man who was openly all of those things. I try hard not to let it get to me, because I’m no good to anyone else if I’m in a rage or hiding in the corner all the time. So I have decided that it’s time for me to get more active. My first step in that direction is to go to the Women’s March on Washington on January 21st. My daughter, son, and son’s girlfriend are going with me, so that makes me happy.
@Mels
If you move to Gothenburg I can give you free private tutoring.
Don’t normally comment, but life is depressing and I feel like rambling into the void. My father’s side of the family has ostracized me, my mother is trying to get me arrested for looking after her parents with her permission, and I’ve spent almost two weeks trying to get a Shiny Popplio.
:: moves barrel of hugs, teddy bears and bon bons right out into the middle of the room ::
There’s a couple of rays of hope for some of you living in the USA even if you can’t find it in your own circumstances for the time being. Looking at all the people who’ve decided that they now have every reason to push their issues and no good reason to hold back, today’s Fight for $15 strike is the biggest ever. It’s hard to recall that it started out 4 years ago as just a couple of hundred fast food workers. Thousands of people in over 300 cities this time.
And watching Standing Rock water protectors stand their ground in the face of horribly violent attacks by assorted police and company employed thugs. The vets who’ve signed up for unarmed shielding/ defence of the protectors have almost reached their gofundme target and they’ve got over 2000 people already on their duty roster. They start arriving on Sunday. https://www.gofundme.com/veterans-for-standing-rock-nodapl Anyone with $3 or $5 or $10 they can chip in might feel better for doing so.
If you’re currently lacking in the persistence, activity, courage departments on your own behalf, you can at least bask in the warm glow of seeing others doing what they can in the meantime for their own causes. (And getting a bit of progress on the $15 might do a lot of good for a lot of other people as time goes on.)
Your time will come.
*brings fluffy blankets and pillows for blanket fort*
I’ve been sitting here a while trying to think of something to write but I’ve got nothing. I’m so sorry y’all are going through such a rough time. If anybody ever comes to South Africa, there’s a guest bedroom and a free tour guide waiting.
Thanks, mildlymagnificent, for your words of encouragement.
I’m sorry that so many of us are going through such a hard time right now. I had to cry when I read your stories. I haven’t cried much since Trump won the election, so it was good that I did just now.
Here’s Emmylou Harris, quintessential American singer and songwriter (with a bunch of Grammys to her name), singing a very sad song, “Hard Times” by Stephen Foster, the father of American popular music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09KCf_-wby4
American readers, it looks like the fight against Trump is largely ours. (That said, it’s still everyone’s fight. Thank you, allies worldwide!)
Our country was founded on a rebellion against and a resistance to unjust authority. We are better than this. Let’s make Donald Trump bitterly regret the day he decided to run for the highest office in the land.
This is our country.
@NicolaLuna
I’m so sorry to hear about such an awful experience. I hope that justice is served, and that you experience good health and peace of mind.
Thanks WWTH. The thing is that my new job did make me happy for a while, so I understand the thinking there. My parents and all my IRL friends, though, don’t really understand mental illness, and they are of the school of thought that says I am somehow choosing to be a wreck, and I could just as easily choose to be happy if I wanted to be.
@NicolaLuna
I am so sorry that happened to you. I hope you find justice and peace in the coming days.
Is the thread picture a Gurrow facing the Eeka threat ? (From a vaguely remembered SF short story…)
@ Kevin
That’s so weird! That was exactly my first thought too; even though the image doesn’t fit the story in any way.
(“No connection” btw)
@ Alan Robertshaw
I thought it vaguely did fit. At the end of the story the Gurrows were worried that the Eekas might invade their territory, as the primate Eekas did not seem to view the ursine Gurrows as people. (Which sounds depressingly familiar these days.)
@ Kevin
Yeah, I could see it being the sort of cover an artist might draw for the story. I always envisage the Gurrows as wearing those lumberjack shirts for some reason!
Although if I learned one thing from Yogi, it’s that bears dress quite formally. (But perhaps the average bear doesn’t dress so smartly?)
All of my respect and virtual hugs and I wish I had more, to all of us with really awful shit to deal with. And fucking hell NicolaLuna, I wish you well and I wish the rapist convicted.