Hey! It’s a long-overdue open thread for personal stuff! Post away. No trolls, Trump fans, MRAs. Email me if things get weird.
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Open thread for personal stuff: Autumn of our discontent edition
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
I’ve never really contributed to one of these but damn if this election hasn’t triggered my depression worse than ever. I am surrounded by “let’s just see how it goes” types who don’t want to face what could be coming. People, including those closest to me, have literally said my fears are too stressful so please do not talk about it to them. I feel incredibly alone, isolated and like everyone I know thinks I am a crazy conspiracy theorist for being so scared. I have nightmares about secret police pulling people from their homes and violent Trump rallies and just cycle between rage and sadness then brief periods of normalcies. And then afterward I can’t believe I felt normal for a while.
It all sucks. Thanks anyone who read this, I just needed to get this out. I’ll be fine, this just sucks.
Well husband’s in the hospital, Vivi is being difficult as we struggle with her PTSD, my fibro is flaring up and yesterday Sebs bit Vivian. He’s never done that before and yeah. 🙁 I’m also completely cashless, scrambling and terrified for me and my husband in the future. Just… so tired. I either wanna 420 myself off to join David Bowie or just curl up and cry awhile.
@Charlotte
I’m sorry. That’s really terrible. I found out the hard way that when you really need people is when they don’t want to be there for you. That’s why I have about two friends now. I’m extremely introverted and because of my childhood have a really hard time opening up to people so when I really needed my friends and finally, painfully, shared a small amount of what I was going through and was told I needed to stop talking about that because it’s depressing…yeah. I stopped having “friends.”
I’ve only ever posted here once before, but I really need to vent..
My dad has been in the hospital (again) since last week, he has cancer and he probably doesn’t have much time left. He has to go to the hospital every week, and when he’s home I have to take care of him because he can’t do much on his own anymore. I don’t want to sound ungrateful but I’m just so burned out and tired and depressed and I can’t say that to anyone… It’s all too much and I can’t let myself feel anything because I wouldn’t be able to handle it…
At least my new therapist just called today to give me my first appointment (next week, yay!). I’ve been waiting for that since July…
@Charlotte, Johanna, Worried: Feel free to vent here. <3
*internet hugs for them's as wants them*
@kupo. Yeah. :/
I’ve been doing a little better as of late personally. Obviously, I’m still terrified of the election and what it means for people like me (girlflux, queer, pagan, poor, mentally ill, etc), but I’m trying not to be gloom-and-doom all the time as I simply cannot deal with it all the time. I am still serious about it, and I am still terrified, but I’ve been trying to distract myself lest I trigger my depression again.
My hours at work are being cut because we’re over budget at our location, so everyone’s getting cut hours. It’s bad because less money, but good because I can have more time off to focus on polishing my portfolio and resume.
I also have been playing lots of Pokemon Moon and having a good time, and I made a second batch of homemade cheese sauce Hamburger Mac, and it’s still delicious.
I’m also planning pony care packs for people here, and another friend of mine as well. I’m hoping to send some candy, but I don’t know if y’all have any allergies, so I am a little leery, but Skiriki liked their candy just fine too. : I
It rained today too, so that’s nice.
@ Charlotte, Kupo, all
Air hugs if you want them. You have friends here. This is not only where we find out what kind of friends we have, it’s also where we find out what kind of friends we ARE. Reach out, if only online, we need each other right now. It’s dark, but winter doesn’t last forever. Joe Hill said “don’t mourn, organize”, and we will. As we find the strength to get back on our feet, we’ll look to the local, state and mid-term elections and take this back from the right-wing.
Oh this month is going to be hell for me no matter how I slice it. My birthday has been bad luck, and with Christmas I get to just know how I can’t buy any gifts for anyone because SSDI, yo. 🙁 1500/mo… totally enough to live! Thank you Republicans!
I’m going to add a few hugs to the internet hug pile here, for anybody who wants them.
Yesterday was my first appointment with the psychologist in about a month and a half (read : I missed a month and a half worth of appointments because I’m shit at remembering anything that doesn’t involve large amounts of booze and loud music). Of course the whole hour was spent talking about Trump and related subjects, and how those subjects affect me and my depressed ass.
(for anyone who doesn’t know, I’ve had really bad insomnia since I was born, and I use marijuana both as a sleep-inducing drug and an anti-depressant)
Well, turns out I’ve got another problem coming up : so my mother pays for my “medication”, right ? She also drives me to those dealings, and sometimes runs them on her own since she knows the guy (who’s also a friend). Anyway, last week while I was sleeping during the afternoon due to insomnia the night before, she went by herself and decided to get weed instead of hash, because it’s healthier and more effective (to Americans : hash in France is nothing like you know, it’s actually the cheaper option here and you really don’t wanna know what’s in the stuff) although it’s more expensive.
Normally, with the deals I get these days, I can last about 10 days and nights on a 20€ bill with hash. Well, not with weed. That 20 lasted all of 5 days and right now we’re way too short on cash to be able to afford another purchase so soon. On one hand it was a really great 5 days : the sleep was wonderful, I never had to get up in the middle of the night to roll another one, the crippling depression and loneliness were held at bay. On the other hand, I’ve gotta run dry for at least a week and a half, maybe two.
It’s 11 pm right now. About the time I’m usually smoking the second one (it’s 2 on most nights, 3 on the bad ones) and about to go to bed. Well I’ve got a coffee and cigarettes instead, and there’s no way I’m gonna get any sleep until at least the same time tomorrow. The nightmares and the shitty “good dreams” are gonna be back as soon as I finally hit the hay, too. And of course there’s everything that I try to keep suppressed in my waking moments, that dumb mix of anxiety, bitterness over good memories because those ships have sailed and outright despair over the bad ones because they ain’t over yet.
TL;DR : day 1 with nothing to help me sleep or deal with the state of my mind, and I’m already considering breaking into my neighbors’ ugly house to steal their shit and sell it to buy weed. 9 more days to go, at a minimum.
Not looking forward to my really unhinged moments when I usually go “I’ma sue the government for making it illegal for me to sleep” while frantically operating a coffee machine that sees so much use we have to run full maintenance every two weeks or so.
ETA : It appears I’ve also run out of coffee. Oy vey.
I’m sorry so many folks here are having a hard time. I myself am dealing with seasonal depression compounded by the election. Also my wife recovering from surgery and financial trouble. Writing and making music are a couple of ways I’m dealing with it but focus, motivation and perseverance are a problem.
Be well everyone!
I’m sorry people are going through a rough time.
I’m afraid I don’t have much of anything helpful to say, but lots of hugs if they’re wanted.
Five of my relatives have serious health problems, and they’re starting to get scared about what will happen if Trump guts health care. Worst case scenario, I can care for one of them, but I can only really afford the time and money for just one. My brother can probably provide the money for two or three… but given his rather repulsive views about sick and disabled people, that’s pretty unlikely. I have an aunt who might be able to take care of one person, but I’m not 100% sure of this. Everyone else has their own serious problems and are likely to be unwilling and unable even if they were willing.
This means if it comes to the worst, at most two people could be given a chance to weather the storm until better health care becomes available, and the other three (or four) are seriously fucked and might die in the meantime. That is not okay.
…They’re also calling the plans strip away healthcare “Empowering Patients First Act”. Yeah.
@everybody tryna deal
Love and Hugs
I’m still waiting for my seasonal depression to set in. It usually happens in January even though it’s starting to get lighter by then. I guess it’s a cumulative effect or something.
I live in Australia, and even when Obama was in charge over in the states I thought about how being 24 and needing a kidney transplant would probably completely ruin my life if I lived there because of medical bills and things.
Now that Trump’s in…well :/. I know people who live over there, and I’m worried about them on top of everything. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep up with it all because it’s not as personal to me so it’s not as painful to do, but at the same time it’s really depressing.
I shouldn’t complain. I have a stable job with a large company and the transplant is covered by public health over here and hell my dad is even healthy enough to donate which gives me great odds. Plus, yanno, cishet white male and I even pass for healthy.
Still feeling very powerless at the moment, I guess. And feeling bad about that because I’m part of the social group that HAS all the power kind of makes it worse.
@Snowberry
Same. In the last two weeks I’ve picked up $5k worth of necessary medication, and paid $130. If I lived in the US I would be fucked.
@Charlotte, Johanna, Worried
*hugs* and sympathies; my family are pulling some of that kind of shit right now, but at least my friends aren’t. (Of course, most of my friends are just as terrified and angry as me, so there’s no problem with minimising there.)
@All who are struggling financially and medically, right there with you. Solidarity and sympathy.
A little bit of joy – my very beloved kitty died about a year and a half ago at 19-20 years old. It was my preschool kid’s introduction to death, and for a long time (about a year) she was asking when the kitty would be back, leading to a sort of constant long extension of grief for the adults and sometimes sobbing fits for the child.
Well, recently we have been visiting shelters to get her used to the idea of another kitten, and talking about how pets are for life and what the responsibilities are. She had no interest in kittens – most little girls adore them, but not this one. No matter what fluffy balls of joy we showed her, she was uninterested. The adults wanted another one, but we decided she was too young for it and to hold off. I wasn’t able to be present for the meets since I work full time.
On the weekend, my partner took me to a shelter so I could get a dose of cute, and there was a young cat there who spotted my kidlet and began purring. So. Loud. That. No. One. Could. Talk.
Purring louder than other cats mewing. Purring louder than other cats HOWLING. Throwing herself at the cage door to get through to kidlet.
The kidlet and she glommed onto one another and wouldn’t leave each other when the door was opened. Cat wasn’t listed as kid-friendly, but apparently it didn’t matter – she knew what she wanted. We had tears when it came time to go home and the separation, but Edwina needs to recover from her spaying and an illness caused by a horrible previous owner.
So on kidlet’s birthday, we take Edwina home with us. All she can talk about now is Edwina. I may not survive this obsession.
Hey everyone, best wishes to everyone trying to deal, and I’m so sorry everyone going through black times is going through them.
Good luck.
Hugs to everyone who’s having a hard time. You are beloved. Your concerns are not meaningless, and you do not need to hide them from people in order to preserve their illusion that everything is fine.
My seasonal affective disorder is kicking in in a very big way right now. I’m smiling and trying not to let anyone see how I actually feel, and meanwhile finding it harder to get out of bed. I’m finding refuge in my work and in Thea: the Awakening (so good), but it gets harder.
I’m sorry for the troubles as well everyone is going through. :/
I am in graduate school in Chicago, where I recently moved and no one seems to want to hire me. I am wondering if no one will hire me because of my personality, I am introverted and have ADHD and so I come across as an eccentric recluse. I have also made around ZERO friends so far. So, I am running out of funds and Christmas is coming up. My family expects me to hop on a plane many miles away with ease. I do not want to have to make scary choices in the very near future once my small funds that I have saved up run out, which involve eating and living situations. I have always fought very hard to land on my feet and it feels like the more I try to improve my life, the more the bar is upped for me. Sometimes I get tired of it all and just want to quit.
I have one professor that has not graded a single thing and it’s the very first class for the semester, essentially the 101 version of grad school classes. I’m making As in my other two classes, but her class is freaking me out. I am documenting this in case I have to fight it later.
All of this and the election has caused me to fall into a depression and I have been sleeping too much in between doing a lot of school work. I also have some medical issues that I cannot afford thanks to the lovely American health system. My brother has had to move back home and my staunch Republican parents (who voted for Drumpf) are basically blackmail controlling him into needing their help, only to bitch and resent him for needing said help later (they did similar to me).
Well, that is enough for now. Sorry for the rant-isode.
Oops. My comment should’ve been addressed @Some Guy, not @Snowberry.
I am glad to know I’m not the only one freaked out by this election. My co-workers and friends are liberal, but say “wait and see.” But I’m scared. My kids are black. Many of their teachers are Muslim. I live on the US Mexican border. It’s a friendly safe town, but I’m worried about what Trump will do to people I know and love.
I’m sorry too to read the posts of how upset others here feel. I’m glad you shared because I hate feeling like I’m in an alternate universe of evil. I am glad I am not alone in my fears.
Therapy is so important. I go and if you can, please go. Take care of yourself and each other.
Also for those who need a little help, please go to Modest Needs: https://www.modestneeds.org. They are very helpful for small grants for people in a bind.
I feel like shit. My life is actually going great, so I can’t talk about it with anyone, they’ll just point out how my life is fine so I have no reason to feel like shit. Like … I know there’s no reason. It’s mental illness, it isn’t rational, it doesn’t follow life milestones.
I haven’t had a depressive episode this bad in probably 10 years. I’d forgotten how horrible they are. I’m crying at the stupidest, pettiest bullshit ever. This is especially fun when it hits me at work and I wind up in the restroom trying to get a grip as silently as possible. I can barely watch a movie without falling apart. My living space is a wreck. I keep wondering if life is actually worth it if this is what it’s like, and I have to keep reminding myself that all episodes are temporary. Nothing makes me happy, not even funny stuff that makes me laugh. I’ll laugh, because it’s funny, but I’m not happy or even close to it.
And I didn’t even get a manic episode to compensate for this. The manic episodes always come before the depressive ones, so I can’t look forward to having one later.
Don’t mean to drag anything down, but it seems like this is that kind of thread tonight and there’s nowhere else I can say this.