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A #TrumpBookReport thread: Post your favorites, write your own, it’ll be great, believe me!

It was the best of times. The best, believe me! We don't win any more.
It was the best of times. The best, believe me! Tremendous. We don’t win any more. We don’t win.

It may have stopped trending, and a giant DDoS attack may be slowing Twitter and much of the rest of the internet to a crawl for a lot of you at the moment, but this #TrumpBookReport hashtag is still a thing of beauty.

The premise is pretty simple: Trump’s answers to specific questions about policy questions tend to sound a lot like the bullshit answers you might expect from a high-school student who didn’t do the reading. So the question arises: What if Trump actually were a high school student who didn’t do the reading?

This is what you’d get:

https://twitter.com/TheLincoln/status/789276744247377920

 

https://twitter.com/sadydoyle/status/789144700569677824

https://twitter.com/marthacohara/status/789213599516401664

https://twitter.com/noblerzen/status/788944742788829184?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/joshgreenman/status/789300879635742720

So, post your favorites, if you can get through to Twitter. Make up new ones, even if you can’t get through. Ignore the DDoS attack and the Trump fans trying to subvert this lovely hashtag.

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Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
8 years ago

I think with the right leader you could have peace with Eurasia. You could have a peace for ever and ever. The leader of Eurasia is a great guy. They would always have peace with Eurasia.

HawkAtreides
HawkAtreides
8 years ago

Some of the stuff in this report comes from the extremely rare unabridged version of The Princess Bride, which of course I have sitting on my nightstand. I can’t bring it in to show you because it’s a loan from my dad.

*5 minutes later*

I never said I had the unabridged version. Everyone knows that doesn’t exist. I’m very smart. No, it does not say on my webpage that I own it. Wrong. WRONG.

RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
8 years ago

I know The Monk. Great guy, tremendous guy. Reminds me of myself. Hillary doesn’t like him, she hates catholics.

I have an Animal Farm. Thousands of them. They’re all huge, like my tower, and my beautiful hands. If America was more like my Animal Farm, it’d be Great Again.

This is fun!

EJ (The Orphic Lizard)

There are so many good jokes here, it’s amazing. I love all of you so much.

Sha-la-la (some see a pen, I see a harpoon)
Sha-la-la (some see a pen, I see a harpoon)
8 years ago

I’m the best Errant Knight, the best.
I have a Rosinante, no-one has a Rosinante, I do, I have a Rosinante and long beautiful fingers, grab em by the pussy and kiss em, no-one says anything, I just can, cause Errant Knight. Errant knight can do anything, no-one says anything, their fathers, well invite em to dinner and you know, 2nd amendment people, you know.
Windmills, yuge problem, yuge yuge problem Windmills. Build a wall, make Windmills pay for it. Look we have to stop Windmills, they’re just pouring in, total and complete shutdown of Windmills, you know, register the windmills, you know, Windmill ban. Those Windmills they won’t get a 4 minute warning, no they won’t, not when I’m the best Errant Knight. Real Errant Knights don’t give 4 minute warnings.

Fashionistah
Fashionistah
8 years ago

They are sayin’ about this Molly Bloom. probably a four, that she thinks about putting a flower in her hair. Says that Andalusian girls do this. Andaloserian is what they are. I’m told this. Just one flower? Everyone says that I have the best flowers. Yes…

Arctic Ape
Arctic Ape
8 years ago

(For Finnish WWII classic Unknown Soldier by Väinö Linna)

There’s lots and lots of characters in this book. I know them all. I know all the best characters. They know their job, they want to make their country great again. Finland will be the greatest country.

(Historical note: The goal in the 1941-44 war was literally a “Greater Finland”, akin to Greater Germany, including but not limited to Finnish territory before 1940. You know how the war ended for the Axis. BTW, my mom claims she bullshitted herself a decent grade for this book.)

Singerdog
Singerdog
8 years ago

I read the saurus…just a bunch of words…lies!

TirAsleen
TirAsleen
8 years ago

Put these on Twitter…they are awesome.

bluecat
bluecat
8 years ago

So, I have this great proposal. It’s beautiful, a great big beautiful proposal. Modest? I never said it was modest. Modest is fine – if you lose. Let the losers do modest. They’re losers. Actually, a lot of people tell me I’m the modestest. I’m not saying that, but a lot of people tell me that I have the best modest. Anyway, Donald J Trump is making this great big beautiful proposal and it’s gonna be yuge, it will definitely solve the problem of poverty, all these poor people whining about they can’t feed their kids…

Amnesia
Amnesia
8 years ago

No, really, I love the blacks. Just look at my black beauty over here. I have so many black beauties, the best ones. Some are even horses. I love horses. My horses are the best horses. Beautiful horses, very bigly. Not like Crooked Hillary’s. An extremely credible source has told me her horses are Trojan. But my horses, my horses are so great, you know, if they weren’t my horses, I might be dating them.

Moocow
Moocow
8 years ago

We’re GONNA BUILD A TRANSMUTATION CIRCLE around the WHOLE FUCKING COUNTRY

And Ishval is gonna pay for it. In blood!

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
8 years ago

@Moocow – that was perfect, coming right underneath @Amnesia’s gravatar 😀

epitome of incomprehensibility

I’ve got a lot of pride, the best kind of pride. I’ve got pride in my country. But not prejudice. That’s a lie from Crooked Hillary. Such a lie. She’s a lying liar and, frankly, she’s the one with all the prejudice. Sooo much prejudice, believe me. What a nasty woman.

Hamish Imlach
Hamish Imlach
8 years ago

Tremendous thread folks, really. We’re gonna make comment threads great again.

– Believe me folks, when I’m president, Portnoy’s only complaint is that he’s gonna be winning too much, big league.

– So this Prince Myshkin, tremendous guy, owns some very nice properties out in St. Petersburg – I’ve had some tremendous business opportunities with him, tremendous country, Russia. When I’m president we’re going to have tremendous relations with Russia, and everyone’s going to be taken care of, big league, believe me. I’ll tell you who’s the real idiot, Crooked Hillary, amirite folks?

– I’ll tell ya folks, I recently bought a lion for my daughter Ivanka – isn’t she a nice piece of ass? – and we had it made into a nice coat for her wardrobe. You’d never find anything like that in that crooked witch Hillary’s closet, believe me.

skybison
skybison
8 years ago

It Can’t Happen Here. Or can it? I keep you in suspense and let you know at the time.

rogue angel
rogue angel
8 years ago

Here goes nothing:

“So there’s this Western Front, and it gets all quiet there, but there’s supposed to be a war too–some big-league war, like they’ve got in Syria. Hillary started ISIS, you know. So it gets quiet over there when, well, she starts talking to those bad hombres. Nasty woman.”

Moocow
Moocow
8 years ago

@Misha

Totally intentional!! 🙂 Also @Amesia your avatar is awesome!

And note that for how often these assholes ruin anime, they stay the fuck away from FMA. Literally stands for everything they hate.

-Nobody wants to say it, but RADICAL ISHVALIC TERRORISM is the real problem. We need to ban all ishvalans from entering Amestris until we figure out what’s going on.
-I’m the law and order candidate. Colonel Mustang was right to incinerate
-That trade deal with Xing? Worst trade deal I’ve ever seen. We’re letting them take all our Alchemy research and all they’ve given us is this terrible Alkahestry. SAD!
-These claims I’m a homonculus? These are all made up lies. Crooked Mustang is rigging the election.

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
8 years ago

@Moocow,

Those are inspired! I’m … totally not off to watch FMA all over again, why would you think that?

@everyone – this thread is MAGNIFICENT AND YOU ARE ALL MAGNIFICENT.

JS
JS
8 years ago

I read Good Omens, great book, apocalypse will be great when it happens, very salad, such motorcycles, must build wall around evil islamic terrorist motorway, Crowley will pay for it, Queen was a great band, aside from all the bad songs. Why is this tape on my lectern? Hillary is turning all my tapes of my speeches into solos by Freddy Mercury! It’s an evil conspiracy by Lying non-russian Hillary. My teleprompter has turned into a small mouse? All my mouses are hyuuge.

occasional reader
occasional reader
8 years ago

Hello.

I indulged in assault
It’s my nature’s fault
I failed the election
It’s the fault of Clinton
I’m so miserable…
—–
And the first day, i will say “Fiat murum”, and the wall will be.
—–
One for all, and all for me !
—–
Me too, i have given flowers to Algernon. I’m that guy. Which do not mean i’m gay. I leave that to Milo.
—–
I understand Lennie. Me too i love stroking soft things. And then grab them in the pussy.
—–
Bring out your guns, fellow fans ! The end justifies the means !
—–
Who said we’ve done nothing for the n-word ? We even give them cabins, like this old Tom ! And they dare to complain ? Ungrateful bastards.
—–
You are laughing about me, but laugh is bad. Laugh is subversive in the face of God and me.

And so on, and so on…

Have a nice day.

ikanreed
ikanreed
8 years ago

The pearl. It’s a yuge pearl. I’d have my charity buy it and carve it into my face.

NC
NC
8 years ago

Great Expectations. No one has greater expectations than I do. I have all the greatest expectations. And I’ll tell you what: I can make expectations even greater.

HawkAtreides
HawkAtreides
8 years ago

I’m gonna make casking legal again. What’s casking? Burying a guy in a wall, like when Montressor “casked” Amontillado in that Edward R. Poe novel. It’s a very common term in interrogation circles!

Keated
Keated
8 years ago

A tale of two cites? Why just two? I know cities – I have hotels all over, the best hotels, the best, so believe me when I say I know cities. If I was in charge it’d be three, no, five cities, but crooked hillary has the cities all rigged against me.