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A #TrumpBookReport thread: Post your favorites, write your own, it’ll be great, believe me!

It was the best of times. The best, believe me! We don't win any more.
It was the best of times. The best, believe me! Tremendous. We don’t win any more. We don’t win.

It may have stopped trending, and a giant DDoS attack may be slowing Twitter and much of the rest of the internet to a crawl for a lot of you at the moment, but this #TrumpBookReport hashtag is still a thing of beauty.

The premise is pretty simple: Trump’s answers to specific questions about policy questions tend to sound a lot like the bullshit answers you might expect from a high-school student who didn’t do the reading. So the question arises: What if Trump actually were a high school student who didn’t do the reading?

This is what you’d get:

https://twitter.com/TheLincoln/status/789276744247377920

 

https://twitter.com/sadydoyle/status/789144700569677824

https://twitter.com/marthacohara/status/789213599516401664

https://twitter.com/noblerzen/status/788944742788829184?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

https://twitter.com/joshgreenman/status/789300879635742720

So, post your favorites, if you can get through to Twitter. Make up new ones, even if you can’t get through. Ignore the DDoS attack and the Trump fans trying to subvert this lovely hashtag.

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(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
8 years ago

The Little Engine That Could? Pffft…what a low-energy hunka junk! “I think I can”? I know I can do it so much better, believe me!

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
8 years ago

A beanstalk?! Is that the best you’ve got?! Weak. Your beanstalk is no match for my wall…believe me!

Snow White? Fairest of All? Not even! I’d say she’s more of a 3…maybe a 4

Desdemona was lying. The nasty woman was probably paid off by the Clinton Foundation. Also, she had thunder thighs…just sayin’

skybison
skybison
8 years ago

Schindler made a list. I know what’s on the list. I know better then he does but I won’t give it away to the enemy. But he was a loser. Not like that Gothe guy, great energy.

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
8 years ago

Sherlock was a complete moron! It’s patently clear that “Moriarty” is merely a stooge for crooked Hillary! I found it on Wikileaks and, as we all know, Wikileaks NEVER lies!

Trapping kids with their own vices is cool and everything but it just isn’t tough enough

Some blond ditz hallucinates a whole world. She was clearly high on Mexican drugs. Sad. But, hey, she’s a solid 10! Why if I weren’t happily married…

Fashionistah
Fashionistah
8 years ago

Tom Sawyer is a loser. I can build a biglyer fence and get it whitewashed by a whole country. Trust me on this.

RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
RosaDeLava - Praying for Sexbots
8 years ago

It’s like I always say: those places, those areas 61s, Slaughterhouse-Fives, they keep talking about those. Do you know where they are? Nobody knows, they just don’t tell those things.

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
8 years ago

“Only two moons? Pathetic! I can walk all the moons, believe me!”

Bernie Little? Drunk divorceè loser! I could solve mysteries like that in my sleep, believe me! Even without that mangy mutt of his! #TrumpBookReport

If you give a kid a cookie will he shut the fuck up? No, he won’t sit down, he won’t shut up, he won’t comply! #TrumpBookReport

I’ve heard she (the Wicked Witch) is gay…not that I would say it

And Then There Were None because I bombed the shit out of them! #TrumpBookReport

That Princess? She may be a 10 who can feel a pea under the mattresses but why did she settle for a mere prince? No taste. #TrumpBookReport

Bina
Bina
8 years ago

“There was this merchant. In Venice. He was a YUGE merchant. The yugest!”

“I’m the Lord of the Flies. I have the most and the biggest flies. That’s why I’m their lord.”

“If Romeo had just grabbed Juliet by the pussy, everything would have worked out great. I know.”

“Wife of Bath? I moved like a bitch on that wife. Took her to Bed, Bath and Beyond. And then she got these big fake tits and everything…”

Laugher at Bigots
8 years ago

I must say, Two Samuel is tremendous. It’s got all the best words, believe me. That Solomon character, he was a great leader. Went and grabbed Philistia by the pussy. Built a yuge wall. Several yuge walls, all the best walls, I must say.

[I am well aware that Solomon is not in II Samuel.]

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
8 years ago

There’s this cat,wearing a hat. Breaks into a house. Terrible! Terrible things happen. Ask anyone.The worst. Probably ISIS. #trumpbookreport

“Chamber of Secrets? Not for long! Wikileaks, baby!”

“Hillary should be the next Prisoner of Azkaban”

“Say what you want about Jadis, the White Witch…she never forgot my name” (The Deplorable Word)

“Little Boy Blue? He couldn’t blow his horn to save his life! I, on the other hand, am an amazing horn-blower. Nobody blows a horn better than me!”

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
8 years ago

I think — I think, for me, nuclear is just the power, the devastation is very important to me. That’s why we’re making them! Hell, I could say the word and it’s Goodnight, Moon! Why can’t I just nuke the moon? It’s full of Moonies! And it’s a big place!!

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
8 years ago

That Rochester, he knew what he was doing. Locked his wife up in the attic! Imma lock all my wives up in the attic – I have a tremendous attic, everyone says so. The bigliest. But I’d never lock up my wife in it! Why would you think that? Did Hillary tell you that?

PeeVee the (Noice) Sarcastic
PeeVee the (Noice) Sarcastic
8 years ago

So I was talking to Petruchio about women, and I said to him “I get the best women.” (Holds hands out by chest) “When you’re rich, they let you do anything. Bianca? Not very attractive. Kate? Kiss me, Kate!”

2-D Man
2-D Man
8 years ago

Outsiders? Outsiders like me know how to get things done. Believe me.

I’m like , Lion, fighting this nasty Witch. And I’ve got the best Wardrobe! Such a nice wardrobe, it’ll make your head spin!

BGHilton
BGHilton
8 years ago

These are all so brilliant.

Holytape
8 years ago

“See Dick Run…..” Stared at the page for an hour. Nothing happened. Total Sham. Jane is a nasty girl. Sally is lazy and a four.

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
8 years ago

@Mish: What DID I start?! Haha

“Fried Green Tomatoes?! You can bet your bottom dollar that mine are better!”

Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
Mish of the Catlady Ascendancy
8 years ago

@Violet – something wonderful, is what you started XD

That Gulliver, I dunno. Sure his travels were kinda bigly. But he got tied up by those tiny … people. I like travellers who don’t get captured by tiny people. I woulda bombed the shit out of ’em.

(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
(((VioletBeauregarde))): Social Justice Necromancer
8 years ago

Guys, guys, guys! There’s also a Trump movie reviews hashtag…it’s not trending–yet. Together with my Tweeps however, I’m going to try and get it trending.

HawkAtreides
HawkAtreides
8 years ago

So there’s this book and it’s got three guys in it, right? Taran, Llyr, and the King. Well, an evil cauldron turns Llyr into a castle, makes Taran wander for the rest of his life, and the King turns into a junkie. Annuvin isn’t sending their best cookware into Prydain, people.

HawkAtreides
HawkAtreides
8 years ago

So there’s this group of happy aristocrats – maybe they’re gay, I dunno – who go around doing crazy stuff. Licking frost, kissing shadows, even committing crimes against God. Weird stuff. And they’ve got their own courts, like Sharia courts. Real crazy stuff. I’d abolish their courts and ban them from the country until we figure out what’s going on.

Alpine, RN
Alpine, RN
8 years ago

So this guy, MacBeth, lives near my golf course, great guy, very high-energy, NASTY wife, probably killed some guys…NOT a ten is what i’m saying…anyway, Elsinore should be one of my hotels.

Aunt Podger
Aunt Podger
8 years ago

A Layman’s Guide to Generally Accepted Accounting Principles: not very absorbent OR flushable. Useless book, probably put out by those Business Ethics idiots.

Das Kapital: A great book, probably the best book every written. I’ve never been in the same room with it. YOU’RE THE PUPPET.

Sheila Crosby
8 years ago

Why would a shop sell curiosity? I’ve got no time for curiosity and Little Dorrit is only a 2 anyway. The shop was way smaller than my hands and my wall which is gonna bu YUUUUGE. Also I like new shops. Old shops are old, you know what I’m saying? Some people are saying new shops are better. new shops, new towers, new wives.