This Alt-Right Reservoir Dogs title sequence is the cringiest cringy cringe video crin

So, I could excuse the poor quality if they were aspiring film makers or something, practicing their craft with a simple homage; I know what it’s like to be an artist not knowing what you are doing but doing it anyways because that’s how you get better. But that’s not what this is, so I feel fine talking about how it’s a huge pile of garbage.

These dudes think that by virtue of being able to understand a thing, they should be able to effortlessly and effectively imitate it. The idea that a thing they created might have zero merit doesn’t even occur to them. (I call it The Sarkeesian Effect Effect). Someone saw the take where the huge pole went in front of the entire (shaky, hand-held, undirected) shot and went “Yeah, that’s the part we want to use.” They clearly weren’t able to mimic the closeups for the title cards, so someone went “That’s fine, just use inconsistently cropped stills beside the text, all on black. That’s basically the same thing.”

It’s one thing to not know how to do a thing while trying to get better, but that’s clearly not the case here. They either don’t care that it’s not good and feel deserving of praise anyways, or they actually think it’s good because they made it and how could it not? Either way it’s pure entitlement and arrogance.

Reservoir Tips. Or as we used to say where I grew up in New Jersey, “scumbags”.

Okay, some comparisons from someone who has never seen Reservoir Dogs:

1. Why aren’t the alt-right guys in suits? Why can’t they have cohesion in their look? The guys in the original bit all look like they’re part of a group because they’re all dressed in similar colors and styles (collars, sunglasses, button down fronts, black, ties, with slight variations to make certain people stand out), while the Alt-Right “version” looks like a bunch of dudes pretending to be cool while walking down the street. Can none of you wear clothes that aren’t average street clothes and dad sneakers? I mean, Aurini looks slightly dressed up, but everyone else looks like they just walked in wearing what they pulled off of their floors. Step it up, bros.

2. The introduction cuts aren’t even done properly. The font is all wrong, the shot’s all wrong (the original had super slow mo closeups of each person’s face while they were doing tough guy stuff (I’m surprised Aurini isn’t smoking in this one, or I missed it), rather than a tiny still shot with their first name on a black background), and it’s just vastly different. How is this supposed to be an “homage” or something if you aren’t even mimicking the thing you’re making an “homage” to properly?

3. Graphic design note: It’s okay to make a bit of text smaller if you want to fit it all on one line. That one blog where it’s too long to fit on one line looks super awkward next to everyone else’s, who are all on one line. Make it a bit smaller, and maybe align it to the right side of the screen (lol).

4. Nice job not even giving your poor camera person credit. Or did you all just take turns? I love how they didn’t even have enough people to do the title sequence justice.

Absolutely priceless. The dislike count somewhat restores my faith in humanity.

Thanks for the link, PaganReader! It’s always good to know that the alt-right is at least aware enough to understand that certain words aren’t acceptable.

Now, if they could only understand why.

It’s not even just that it isn’t shot skillfully. Or that none of these guys are cool enough to pull off a strut. There’s always a bit of camp in Tarantino movies that makes the over the top badassery of the characters work. Alt-right dudes take themselves way to seriously to even think about trying to make a stunt like this viable. It is simply impossible for someone, or a group of someones who lack in merit but take themselves extremely seriously to ever look cool.

I think it’s just adorable how Aurini still sees himself as a master filmmaker-auteur despite his tendency to make even the simplest scene almost aggressively tedious to watch. The Reservoir Dogs intro isn’t even particularly hard to mimic:

1. Panning shot from the side, actors enter shot
2. Close-up zoom of each of the actors
3. Long shot of the actors walking off

Note how Aurini gets all of these basic shots wrong, let alone all of the touches that make the scene really interesting to watch, like deliberately reducing the framerate, having each actor insert a tidbit of characterization to their close-up, or just not making them walk in a single lockstep rank towards the camera.

I also just noticed something: Aurini’s picture in the video is the only one that isn’t grainy or out of focus, and he’s also the only one in the long shot who gets to move his upper body while walking towards the camera. It’s almost like he intentionally made the other guys in the video look like a bunch of awkward douchebags so he’d look sort of cool in comparison. In which case: for fuck’s sake, how petty and insecure can one man be?

OT @David Futrelle
Great to see you’re writing again. Are you still feeling the migraines?

@Ooglyboogles – Looking now. The only gifs I can find have lyrics plastered over the bottom half, or else it’s a closeup of his head (which as Paradoxy and Terrabeau pointed out, was a crucial bit of cinematography they forgot to mimic). Stay tuned!

I love the inept continuity. They walk down the brick sidewalk, cross the street, and then…they’re back on the same brick sidewalk. It’s a fitting visual metaphor for their achievements.

Also, it’s really hard to look badass in an “I <3 New York" T-shirt.

I would pay good money to have this clip sped up with the Benny Hill “Yakkity Sax” theme playing over it.

(Well, if I had good money I’d pay it. Let’s just say instead that I’d give a nice stalk of celery to the first capybara I met.)

@DrHoveiny

Oh, god. Cincy? I used to live near Cincinnati. They don’t deserve Cincinnati.

Trivia: Cincinnati is also known as the Queen City. MATRIARCHY!

ps. Gold Star beats Skyline any day.

lateness

eta:
@Stephen Lawt

Chartreuse, perhaps?

Johann and Davis can’t be in the same shot together. Those guys just don’t get along since Johann touched one of Davis’ skulls without permission.

What are those wet spots on the back of Karl’s shirt? Did they just come from a pissing contest gone awry?

And what’s that goose egg with big patches of caviar on it doing with those guys?

Well, maybe alt-right dogs ends the same way Reservoir Dogs ends. How many survivors were there, again?