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dawgies kitties off topic open thread

A kittens, puppies, bonbons and rainbows open thread

Kitten, puppy, rainbow. (Bonbons not pictured.)
Kitten, puppy, rainbow. (Bonbons not pictured.)

In light of the sheer grimness of that last post, there has been a request for a “kittens, puppies, bonbons and rainbows thread.” So here you go. Discussion does not have to be confined to kittens, puppies, bonbons and rainbows, but keep it positive! This is a thread for uplifting stuff only. No trolls, MRAs, Hitlers.

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Handsome "Punkle Stan" Jack

Have a cute Ford from something I’m working on.

http://i.imgur.com/MSam73r.gif

skybison
skybison
4 years ago

Since there seem to be some other animation fans here, I’ll just quickly note that absolutely everyone should watch the animated documentary Nuts if you have the chance. It’s about the life of John Brinkley, a “doctor” from 1930s Kansas who invented a cure for impotence by implanting goat testicles into his patient’s scrotum, which he spun into a huge radio empire and nearly successful run for governor of Kansas. It’s fucking hilarious, and sadly still relevant with another two bit con artist that’s been in the news lately.

Robert Walker-Smith
Robert Walker-Smith
4 years ago

NoSkybison – haven’t seen it, but I’ve known about Brinkley for years*. Thanks for the info!

Our younger son is doing really well. His class counselor told me today that he is a pleasure to have in class, although sometimes stubborn. I assured her that it is a family trait; high intelligence and extreme stubbornness. Curious, given that none of us are related by blood.

Older son is still schizophrenic, but retains his phenomenal people skills. Reminds me of my mother that way; she could sit on a bench with a stranger and twenty minutes later they’d be the best of friends. My dad always marveled at that. I’m going to take him to the movies on Saturday (thanks, SSI!).

Husband is still working ridiculous hours, building his baking business. He’s even more hail-fellow-well-met than Eldest. Have you ever known someone EVERYONE liked? I’m married to him.

And me? I’m still alive at fifty five. When I think of all my friends who never got to be this old, I’m ridiculously grateful. I’m living – very literally – the life I used to dream of.

Thanks for the opportunity to express my gratitude to the universe.

*I’ve long had a fascination with the fringes of science, et cetera, and he was a most successful fringer.

Hu's On First
Hu's On First
4 years ago

The official anthem of the POGTOW (Pipe Organs Going Their Own Way) movement….

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
4 years ago

@Ktoryx

I have become much enamoured of foxes now that I live in a place where foxes come and sleep on our deck. 🙂

re: stage fighting! 🙂 I have to admit, I’m more into the real steel fighting. I def agree with you on the German longsword thing. 🙂 *looks over at sword* :):)

Here’s a vid of our group fighting:



Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@Hu’s

Don’t Fall in Love

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqDaoMtIujs
For counterbalance 😀

Jaygee
Jaygee
4 years ago

I just finished watching the first season of Steven Universe, and I can not get enough of Garnet’s song “Stronger than You.” (I’ve been constantly listen to it for the past couple days.) I also realized that Estelle voices Garnet. Here’s a link to the video:

https://youtu.be/6JARVfb-FBg

Jaygee
Jaygee
4 years ago

I’m glad most mammotheers are doing well with school, work, and health.

I don’t comment much and mostly lurk (I kinda do this in real life too since I’m pretty quiet), so I don’t expect people to know or remember me.

Anyway, I thought I would share too. I recently ended an 11 year relationship, and I really still care for my former partner, so it’s been confusing as I’ve been trying to figure stuff out.

I work as teacher, and I got a non re-elect (i.e. my contract was not renewed; kinda like being fired, plus I can’t work in the district indefinitely) from my school district after a really tough school year. I’m a new teacher on probation, meaning my position was kinda vulnerable. I don’t get any reason given for why it happens since I was probationary, but it seems it’s because the district would rather hire on new teachers (that they can pay less) than make probationary teachers non-probationary (and have to pay more). There has been a lot of changes this summer for me. But there were good things too. A few of my friends got married and I got to spend fun times with friends. I’m also planning on teaching overseas for a year, so that’s kind of exciting.

Aunt Podger
Aunt Podger
4 years ago

So much cool stuff! I have to take my cat for her walk (shutupit’stotallynormal), so will actually interact with everyone else when we get back, but here is one of my favorite distractions, discovered through Making Light (yes, I know that the Nielsen-Haydens can be problematic, but they can also be awesome):

http://www.earslap.com/page/otomata.html

Not sure what the crowd likes, but in honor of pissing off the right people, here is a video I stumbled upon a few months ago while looking for the sea shanty with a similar name:

And, semper toujours, the talking boat:

As for me, that faint, echoing squeal you just heard continents away was me finding out one of my favorite artists, Alexander James Adams (deadname Heather Alexander: you may know his “March of Cambreadth”) will be at the con I just moved heaven and earth to attend. So excited!

EJ (The Orphic Lizard)

@Jaygee:
That sounds like a lot of changes to have all at once. I’m sorry to hear that you needed to end the relationship but I hope it’s for the best. I wish you the very best with teaching abroad and hope things settle down at home too.

If you want to talk about it, I’d love to hear.

@Viscaria:
@PoM:
Congrats! You’re both cool people and I’m glad you both have good things in your lives.

As for music, I’ve been on an orchestral music kick lately. Brahms’s German Requiem is an amazing piece.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yg7sU5B_ibM

Dalillama
4 years ago

Tomorrow morning I go down to the courthouse to get my legal name change finalized, and then down to the DMV for accurate ID.

@ Jaygee
*hugs* and best wishes

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ ktoryx & fishy goat

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a discussion about swords on the internet where everyone hasn’t suddenly turned into an expert metallurgist. 🙂

(I like ‘bastard’ swords myself; don’t know much about them but it’s a cool name)

Sigh :/
Sigh :/
4 years ago

There’s a new little iPhone/GooglePlay game called jrump that’s been made by some Kiwi guys. It’s 2017, Trump has destroyed the world and there’s “hell toupee” (hehe). You build walls (Surprise surprise) to help Trump (dressed as Wonder Woman is my preference) jump up the walls to escape the mess he’s made of the world.

After the earlier post I’ve become quite addicted to the game, partly because I’m feeling a sick pleasure in letting him fall…

If you’re feeling so inclined I recommend it for a welcome injection of some silliness STAT.

Nequam
Nequam
4 years ago

If Wikipedia is to be believed, a bastard sword was initially a term for a sword of nonstandard design or uncertain origin (which makes sense) and somewhere along the line came to mean “a longsword of above-average length that isn’t quite big enough to be two-handed”.

opposablethumbs
opposablethumbs
4 years ago

For some extremely singable songs, check out Matt Fishel if you don’t already know him.
Radio-Friendly Pop Song, When Boy Meets Boy , Football Song and Behind Closed Doors (all from “Not Thinking Straight” · 2013) are some of my favourites; they’re a bit too readily mashable, but very catchy with some great lyrics. Also Football Song has got a cute video (featuring a few seconds of football ballet, among other things).

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ nequam

If Wikipedia is to be believed

There’s probably a Betteridge’s Law of Headlines equivalent for that; but cheers for the info.

The only thing I know about them is that they generally weren’t intended to be sharp. They were more for whacking people with and putting dents in armour. There is (a real) one on the wall of my local. It is fun to swing around*. Probably just as well it isn’t that sharp.

(* You also have to yell “There can be only one!”; it’s the law)

Policy of Madness
Policy of Madness
4 years ago

(I like ‘bastard’ swords myself; don’t know much about them but it’s a cool name)

Bastard swords are hand-and-a-half that can be wielded one-handed or two, and they do 2D4 slashing damage. Minimum STR to wield is 11, and their speed factor is 8.

ej
ej
4 years ago

Hello everyone! I’ve been lurking a lot lately since I’m finishing up my PhD thesis. I’m going to submit it next week. Eek!

I’ve also been offered some lecturing for the next term, which means I will be working while I wait for my viva, so that’s good. It’s a bit hectic with everything going on, but I’m so close to finishing. So, so close!

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ ej

People who manage to do PHDs are like super humans to me; so congratulations!

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
4 years ago

Okay, open thread, so gonna share something cool.

I think I mentioned before that I have friends who are anti-anti-vax activists – trying to spread actual evidence-supported information about vaccines and other medical stuff, to counter all the misinformation (and disinformation) out there. Impressive stuff, mainly because they tend to do it in a very calm and friendly and patient way, explaining things as many times as they need to, shutting down unnecessarily snarky commenters, calming down parents who are worried about upcoming vaccinations because they “heard bad things” or who had the vaccinations and are wondering if something is a normal side effect, etc. Really great to read them.
So, yesterday I was looking at their Facebook page and got into an argument with an antivaxxer (or into part of the argument, at least, I wasn’t the only one answering). He had commented on an HPV-related post, which included a sad personal story about a patient with cervical cancer, by “just asking” if it’s sponsored by med companies, and after being answered continued some more “just asking” of various sorts. At some point I thought I should address his claim about how he’s not making any accusations (because he’s, let’s hear it, Just Asking Questions) with a bit of a linguistic explanation about how that’s actually a meaningless saying. Because language is a complex thing, and a question is simply one syntactical element, so it’s absolutely possible for questions to actually be accusations as well. For those who are familiar, I did a little explanation about semantics and syntax as opposed to pragmatics, and said how the pragmatics of his questions showed the premises he was working from (e.g. that a post supporting vaccines must have some sort of ulterior motive).
And all that was nice, because it’s fun to get to use what I’m actually good at (language) in these arguments.

But the really cool thing is that people seem to be pretty excited about this comment. A couple of science-related pages have quoted it and it got shared a bunch of times, and last I was told had thousands of views(!), and there is so much positive reaction to it, it’s incredible.
I really didn’t expect it to have such an impact, so it’s very cool and even a little awkward to me to see that it had.

[Also, if anyone here wants to use the explanation on any occasional JAQers, I can try and make a tidier English version of it for ya (although I suspect other blog regulars with linguistic background could do just as good a job).]

Paradoxical Intention - Resident Cheeseburger Slut

So. I have my job orientation on Monday. (They wanted me to come in today but I don’t know what my roommate’s schedule is like, and I still don’t know my way around as well as I would like, so I still kind of need him to drive me around.)

I played with my dolls a bit yesterday. I even (finally) got my first Monster High doll her proper clothes.

I also bought another doll that I’m going to make into a mannequin that arrived with the clothes, and I’m currently making plans to duplicate these shelves

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/489836896954777474/

with command hooks so I don’t make holes in my bedroom wall (since I’m in an apartment, and if we make holes we have to fix them later and I don’t trust myself to do it properly).

I’m going to put my toys and dolls on them, so it should be fine. That way the bookshelf can be for, you know, books.

My computer’s cables should also be coming in the mail in the next three days, so I’ll be able to clean out my tower and finally get my own computer set up, but I still don’t have a desk yet. (I’ll be using a small entertainment center for the moment.)

All in all, things are going pretty good.

dreemr
dreemr
4 years ago

I always enjoy this kind of thread and getting to see the changes going on in the lives of the posters here. I lurk more than I comment, and I don’t usually have anything amazing to add to the discourse, so I mostly read and think about the things I’ve read. I am grateful for the wide range of personalities and identities of the commenters here, as it gives me much better perspective on people who aren’t necessarily in the same ol’ homogeneous box.

EJ (The Orphic Lizard)

@Paradoxy:
That sounds exhausting but really fun. Getting to take control of your environment is immensely satisfying. Good luck for orientation!

@ej:
If you’ve gotten this far, then submitting and being viva’d is only the last step. You have my immense admiration. Best of luck for the teaching! I hope that goes well. May you have excellent students.

@Penny Psmith:
That sounds very cool. I’d love to read that, and I’d love to be able to quote it at JAQers.

Linguistics is an awesome field and it’s always nice to see it being used for good.

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
4 years ago

@Alan Robertshaw re:swords: I’m just a user, not a smith. 😉

And I should remember to do my 20 min on the pell tonight. 🙂

OwlAboutIt
OwlAboutIt
4 years ago

Hello, all–

I’ve been lurking for a while but posted once or twice. Love this community and hope to eventually say something interesting (and to think of a good ‘nym).

(Should I write more of an intro? I’m still not clear about local protocols.)

For now, thanks for all the good music. Here’s one of my own favorite cheer-up songs, though my very favorite singer of it does not have a YouTube video available. (Eileen McGann, not to be confused with the Republican political operative of the same name. Her version is on Pandora if you wanna hear it.) “Another Train” written by English folkie Pete Morton, covered here by Sally Barker.

https://youtu.be/uEocCZALGWg

Dalillama
4 years ago

The blasted judge couldn’t be bothered with showing up in person, so I’ve got to wait until next week sometime for the actual paperwork to show up in the mail so I can update my ID.

Dalillama
4 years ago

@Owlaboutit
As much or as little introduction as you feel like. There’s a welcome package around here someplace, I think.

@ FishyGoat
The house I grew up in had a shed out back, and for about 5 years a couple of gray foxes nested underneath it; every spring there was a litter of fox cubs wandering the place. The grey fox is the only canid that regularly climbs trees (AFAIK), and we could watch them practice on the pine tree out back. You’d see a little fox cub take a run up, scramble up the trunk and disappear in the branches. A few seconds later, a branch would shake, then a lower one, then another, and a fox would tumble out of the tree and shake itself while the next one took a run up. It was adorable.
There’s not a lot of really cheerful music on my playlists at the moment, but here’s some relatively upbeat tunes
Young Munro, a Scottish folk song covered here by the Cottars
My favorite of Cyril Tawney’s Engine Room ChantiesLean and Unwashed Tiffy (Other than Gray Funnel Line, but that one’s way less cheerful)
The tune that starts at 3:37 (Which hopefully will link dircectly) has been an earworm for me for weeks.

Kat
Kat
4 years ago

Hugs if you want them to everyone going through a tough time.

The UK Guardian is doing a four-part series through November called “Vagina Dispatches.”

I have to admit that I feel a little more educated about my own body after watching this video:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/video/2016/sep/23/vagina-dispatches-part-one-what-vulvas-look-like

Fishy Goat
Fishy Goat
4 years ago

@Dalillama I am internally squeeing at work. LOL!

Our foxes were never as brave as the one we met a few years ago who had a broken leg. He eventually healed (not perfectly, but enough that he could hunt again) and would do things like steal my husbands shoes and try to run away with them (he’d drop them a few feet away). One time the deck door had opened and Mr. Fox (as we called him) wandered in and tried to wake up my husband (who was sleeping on the couch) by pulling on his pant leg with his teeth. 🙂

The current foxes (whom I assume are grandkits) will happily sleep on our deck but will run away otherwise. And we’ve never seen kits until they were practically adults.

Robert Walker-Smith
Robert Walker-Smith
4 years ago

Dalillama – congratulations on the name change! I remember how it felt when my husband and I went to get our IDs with our new names. It’s remarkable when the external world conforms to you, instead of the other way around.

Weatherwax
Weatherwax
4 years ago

I’ve been waiting for an open thread to share a personal revelation, then my broadband died and I found this four posts back.

So my story will wait for the next one.

In the meantime, I’m excited because on Monday I’m starting a new job, helping a friend with dog walking. It’s not what I’m trained for, it’s not my ideal job, but it is my ideal job right now, as it will get me out of my flat, paying attention and committing to something outside myself (plus money).

We had a dry run today and I can do this. For the first time in about a year I can do something, so yay.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@Weatherwax
Excellent employment news! And I hope the other, revelatory news is also good. Regardless I’d like to read your story… When the right thread comes up, of course 🙂

Viscaria
Viscaria
4 years ago

Please forgive me for the giant reply comment, but I’m just now able to go through everything.

@PoM: Good luck! Hope you get it!

@kupo: Congrats on the new hair cut! I hope your bon bon dreams came to glorious fruition.

@IP: I hope your cold goes away soon. That sounds… that sounds not good. :/

@Cleverforagirl: Really nice to see you! Smart of you to take some time away from engaging with awful things. I’m really glad to hear that you’ve found a decent doctor :). Although it’s sad that “my doctor isn’t terrible about their patients’ weight!” is so rare and remarkable.

@Victorious Parasol: Glad to hear about your continuing recovery. It sounds like it’s a bit frustrating right now, and I’m sorry about that.

@Alpine: That is super cool!

@Oogly: It’s seriously impressive that you’ve gotten back up and headed back to school. Props. Glad it’s going well so far.

@Robert: It’s always lovely to hear about your family. I wish everyone could have dads that are as engaged, supportive, and caring as you and your husband seem to be.

@Jaygee: Best of luck during this time of transition. I hope that, once the dust settles, you’ll be in a better place than you were before. Thank you for sharng.

@Dalillama: I was all EFF YEAH after your first comment, and then I read your next one. Uuuuugh, what a giant pain. Still, at least the process is in motion, right?

@ej: Good luck! I hope you’ll give us an update once it’s submitted :).

@PI: It sounds like your new living situation is a vast improvement over where you were before. So happy for you. It took a lot of strength and determination to get yourself out of there.

Scildfreja Unnýðnes
Scildfreja Unnýðnes
4 years ago

So many things happening, and most of it sounds like it’s good! Much love to you all. I’m doing okay – actually looking forward to the unemployed stretch that’s coming up for me in a bit. No money coming in, but there are a lot of things I want to (need to) catch up on. This will help reduce a lot of stress. Maybe I’ll be able to actually work on that back-burner video game idea I have? (well, more like five ideas, but that’s how it goes).

All’s as well as it can be; I hope it’s going well for you all, too.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
4 years ago

So I finally managed to make this move real. As in, it’s happening in two days. These last few days I’ve been busy trying to get some work done (spoiler : I failed), fixing my sleep schedule (nope, failing too) and more generally running around from one place to the next to get the paperwork in order.

I finally managed to leave this fucking city, just about a year after it got me in a psychiatric hospital. And that’s five years of crippling depression acting like a bear trap and keeping me in this very room all the time – I’m hoping this at least will change. Clermont is a different kind of city and I feel more at home there, enough to actually go out. Not to mention that this time I’ll be living in the city proper, not an hour’s walk away.

I’m questioning my motives though. I think I only took on this school thing in order to move there, and I think I only really wanna move there to actually get a chance to see the few friends I have left… and I feel like I’ve drifted away from them so much during those five years, I’m not sure where this is going. Sometimes I don’t see them for six months straight because I don’t go out at all. Don’t know if we’re still as close as I want to believe.

The whole point is to break this cycle but I’m not sure the move is gonna fix anything. I dunno, maybe I’m just anxious because it’s getting close now ?

Kat
Kat
4 years ago

@Sinkable John
The move sounds like a good idea.

The city appeals to you.

You might get a chance to get closer to your friends.

Plus it sounds as though you’ll be studying. That can take your mind off yourself.

And maybe you’ll be working. That’s another good way to take your mind off yourself.

All best wishes.

Handsome "Punkle Stan" Jack

Enjoy some SCIENCE!

Mercy
Mercy
4 years ago

Totally apropos of nothing:

Since this is an open thread, here’s something bound to make you feel happy.

Crush some cornflakes. Add a bit of sugar and cinnamon. Scoop up a big scoop of vanilla ice cream, moosh it into a ball with your hands, roll in the cornflakes, freeze good and hard. Drizzle with hot fudge. I am eating one right now and all is well with the world.

Handsome "Punkle Stan" Jack

Enjoy a Li’l Mabel:

http://i.imgur.com/neE9IIA.png

What could she be so in awe about? Surely not the shading of the final piece, unless she’s in awe on how terrible it is, haha!

http://67.media.tumblr.com/25d94b077f9e9b3a35907f6a6c602e06/tumblr_odziosvMY01ubqfepo1_500.jpg

Viscaria
Viscaria
4 years ago

One more happy update: Boyfriend and I are going ring shopping. 💘💘💘

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
4 years ago

@Kat

Thanksies. I’m trying to not be too anxious about it.

Fun fact : I’m renting an apartment in a sort of housing project (link’s in French, sorry, I didn’t find an equivalent in English). They gave me one in the women’s building. There’s two entire floors reserved exclusively for women (it’s meant to be a safety measure because that’s where they put minors). And even the third and last floor, while technically inclusive, is only women at the moment.

MISANDRY !

They didn’t have a lot of empty apartments left, that’s why they gave me that one. Apparently it’s usually a deal-breaker for guys, that’s why they asked me if I was okay with getting that one. I had a major case of the gigglesies. To be honest, I’m actually glad about it. Given my track record of actual misandry, it’s for the best.

Given that school only starts a week after I get there, this is what monday and the six following nights will look like :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49VhygQwaXw

PS : @EJ

That place (not a club !) I mentioned before ? It looks pretty much like the video. I mean, the video was actually made in a pretty similar place. Also I think you’re the one who gave a shot at translating “bande de sales gueules”, right ? Well that’s the kind too. Ours are even more beautiful though. Okay, so we don’t have our own Lebanese rappers yet, but there’s a Palestinian who’s got some great texts, so close enough. I’m working on a few instrumentals for her with a friend – since her voice is pretty raspy and deep, like my own, we already have some experience on working with that. Sadly she also shares my habit of generally being a mess when it comes to writing, so there’s not a single complete text to work on right now, just a few loose sheets. We talked about joining forces on a song or two though, so hopefully we can manage to plug the holes into each other’s texts.

Yeah I’m definitely excited about that part of the move.

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

@Sinkable John
I’m in awe that France has housing projects like this. Here in ‘Murica it’s considered some kind of rite of passage to be unable to afford housing when you’re young. We have housing assistance for the elderly but not so much for young people. Young people are expected to be able to hold down two or three jobs and share a tiny apartment with friends and never complain about it.

Anyway, that’s awesome for you. I think things will work out and you’re just anxious about the change. I would probably be doubting myself just as much.

EJ (The Orphic Lizard)

That sounds amazing, Sinkable John. I wish you the very best for that collaboration. Sometimes when you’re working with another person it creates an energy which makes the end product incredibly good.

Also, congratulations on managing to move. That’s a very difficult thing to do when depressed, and can really help. My fingers are crossed for you.

EJ (The Orphic Lizard)

(Edit period timed out)

On three, everyone say “awww” for Viscaria. Ready? One, two, three.

Awwwwwww!

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

@Viscaria

Congratulations! Another heavy blow for MGTOWs.

Viscaria
Viscaria
4 years ago

*Blushes* thanks, Lizard EJ and IP 😊. I am really excited and happy.

He is still Boyfriend for now, because once we choose a ring for me he is going to keep it and officially present it at an opportunity of his choosing. There’s a sort of silly artificiality to it that reminds me of when my parents buy each other Christmas gifts together, wrap them separately, and then pretend to be surprised on the day.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

@Viscaria

True and somewhat funny personal story:

I didn’t grow up with any kind of romantic tradition surrounding marriage. My parents have never been married, but they are still together. I never went to a wedding growing up, since all my uncles and aunts were already married, and most of the cousins were younger than me. As far as I know, I’m still the only cousin who’s married.

My wife came from the opposite tradition. She grew up in a conservative Christian home, where marriage was seen as an obvious life goal, the gold standard for success in life (for women, at least), etc. She was also heavily steeped in Hollywood romcom culture (and still is, in my opinion, but I wouldn’t say that to her face ;)).

When we first met online, we got “official” almost instantly. I went to visit her in the US a few months later, and it was pretty obvious to both of us that we were a great match. We were also both worried that things would cool down and we’d drift apart while living on different continents. We promised to make an effort to move in together, somewhere and somehow.

At that point, I was aware that she really wanted to marry eventually, and I understood that marriage was a big deal to her. However, I didn’t at all understand how important it was to propose in a romantic fashion, buy an amazing ring, pick the right moment, pop the question in the right way, and so on. I just wanted to show her that I was serious about our relationship, and I wanted to give her the opportunity to “be married by 25”, which she had mentioned as a personal goal (she was 24 at the time).

On my first visit to her parents’ house, we stayed in her younger brother’s basement bedroom (while he was away at college). Long story short, this was how I proposed: “So, uh, do you wanna get engaged?” We were in bed with the lights off, naked, 5 minutes after sex. This, I eventually learned, was NOT GOOD ENOUGH AT ALL.

She said yes, and the next day we went together to pick up an engagement ring for her. She picked out the ring and then she left the store, expecting me to buy it as a “surprise”. I didn’t have any American cash, so I had to go make a withdrawal from an ATM, wasting tons of money on conversion fees. I then walked out of the story, found my girlfriend, and handed her the ring, like “here ya go!” She was not happy. She said I should hold on to it and give it to her at a special occasion.

Now, I thought “later that evening” was a sufficiently special occasion. It was not. Eventually she accepted the ring when I gave it to her at a restaurant, with her parents and sister present.

She moved in with me in Sweden 7 months later, on NYE, and we started planning for a wedding the following summer. As the planning started coming together, she suddenly seemed hesitant about going through with it all. She kept saying maybe we should cancel the whole thing, or at least postpone it. I tried to figure out why, but she didn’t want to talk about it.

Then, one night, she lashed out at me for not proposing in a proper way. In a way, she thought we weren’t really, truly engaged since the proposal was so underwhelming. She said she didn’t want to get married, because we didn’t have a good proposal story to tell.

I spent the next few days googling “awesome proposal”, “breathtaking proposal ideas”, and so on, but I didn’t find any ideas that seemed doable and special enough. In the end, I stole the ring back and made a three course dinner at home, dressed up in my nicest suit and even wore a tie, and I gave her advance notice so she could get dressed and do her make up. I had set up the table with candles and nice napkins, turned off my phone and all.

We had a nice time eating and talking about all kinds of things. Everything was going well, and before the dessert I got up, went down on one knee by her chair, took out the ring and asked “would you marry me?”. She just looked at me like “………that’s it?” She said yes, but the rest of the evening was awkward and we didn’t talk any more about it.

When the day of the wedding came, we woke up together in the hotel. Several hours that morning were spent with my fiancée in a panic over how this wedding was a sham since we didn’t have any nice stories or a proper engagement. Eventually we had to get moving in order to set everything up for the wedding, so we had to leave it unresolved. The wedding itself was great, and almost everything went as planned.

Now it’s 5 years later. A few times per year, she will still bring up the botched proposal and I’ll have to spend some time reassuring her that I do love her, despite not proposing in the right manner. Sometimes when we’re having an argument, she’ll bring up the proposal as an example of things I’ve fucked up. I expect this to go on forever.

So, my point is, good luck with that whole thing. :p

LG
LG
4 years ago

Hey, Mammothers. I just wanted to pop in and say, it’s been nearly a month since I confronted Mr. LG about the violent intimidation and other controlling behaviors, and things are going really well. There’s still a lot to do, but he’s respecting my boundaries, staying open to being called out on things, and changing his behavior very quickly and steadily. He’s showing tolerance for my anger, and so I’ve been able to express more of it.

He’s starting an abuser program in October and I’ve started going to a support group. We’ve moved into seperate bedrooms in the house, and started the process of having some seperate finances.

We’re poly, and he told his other partner what’s up. She and I have been working together to hold him accountable and cut through some of his soft triangulation tactics that had sort of been keeping us a bit uncomfortable with each other. She’s been a good friend to me in this and he’s been cooperative with our efforts to clean up his act.

In short, he’s supportive of me taking this one day at a time, getting a little more independence every day and just waiting to see when I feel there’s been enough.