Return of Kings, that burning internet dumpster fire of pickup artistry and Trumpian bigotry, has decided to go all grade-school on us this week, posting an essay that is basically an adult, alt-right version of the classic “what I did on my summer vacation” essay assignment.
Like a lot of Americans, whether they’re in 6th grade or in their sixties, RoK contributor Michael Sebastian went to the beach.
And there he saw … a lot of people who weren’t white. In a post with the somber title, “A Summer Beach Trip Shows How Badly America Has Declined” Sebastian reports his dire findings:
The most obvious change is that there has been a dramatic change in the level of diversity. When I was a teenager, the beach was nearly 100% white. The diversity, such as it was, consisted of a handful of blacks. Whites still comprised about two-thirds of the beach goers, but now there were also lots of Hispanics along with smaller numbers of Muslims, Asians, and Indians. Of course, there continued to be a small number of black families.
I can only assume that Sebastian, the author of a self-published book titled Staying Married in a Degenerate Age, showed up at the beach with a little notebook in which to record the presumed ethnicity of all the other beachgoers.
The Hispanics were notable because it was very apparent that they were poor. Many of the families did not have bathing suits—they were in the ocean in their street clothes. It was especially awkward for the women as a blouse and long skirt are less than ideal beachwear. While I am certain there were poor families in the beach in my youth, I don’t recall anyone so poor that they could not purchase a bathing suit.
Maybe Trump will build you a wall around the beach.
The Muslims were also an interesting addition. I noticed several women walking along the beach covered head to ankle in dark clothing walking on the beach in 95-degree heat.
At this point I’m pretty sure that Sebastian is just making things up. How many beaches in America boast such a perfect cross-section of All the People the Readers of Return of Kings Hate?
Sebastian never tells us what beach he allegedly went to, only that he lives in a “large city.” I also live in a large city, one in which white people are a minority. But even in the relatively less-segregated neighborhood that I live in, where most of the people you see out and around are likely to be people of color, I don’t normally see a crowd quite this rainbow-hued.
Sebastian goes on to complain about tattooed women, another Return of Kings bugbear, before informing us that some of the people on this Beach of Terror were on the drugs. Because Sebastian can totally tell.
Extreme diversity and abundant tattoos are one thing, but there is nothing that indicates spiritual bankruptcy like drug abuse. The most disturbing thing that I witnessed was the high number of people who were strung out on something. Everyone that I saw looked like they were intoxicated by something other than alcohol or pot. All of them were young. All of them were white.
Oh, no, not the white people!
I saw one young woman slowly rotating in circles with her hands on her temples in the middle of the day. There were small groups of people who seemed to have no awareness of their surroundings.
To be fair, I sometimes rotate in circles in the middle of the day. It’s fun. You should try it!
Adding insult to imaginary injury, Sebastian reports that while driving his family back home from the beach one night,
a car in the right lane suddenly swerved into my lane almost crashing into our car. My wife glanced over to find out what was happening with the driver. It turned out that it was a middle aged woman who was snapping a selfie as she was going through the tunnel—no doubt to post on Facebook.
This was followed, I imagine, by monkeys flying out of Sebastian’s butt.
Sebastian ends his little screed by comparing present-day America to — yes, you guessed it — the Roman empire in its final days.
With the exception of diversity, which is a weapon used by the elite to divide, conquer, and rule the population, each of the things I saw on my beach vacation indicated that the foundation of America is rotting. Ancient Rome became great because of the vigor and austerity of its people. Once Romans lost their founding virtue, the Empire collapsed. …
Barring some sort of great upheaval, it is likely that the US is headed for the same fate that befell Rome.
WORST. VACATION. EVER.
How very dare people who this particular man doesn’t personally approve of because of stereotypes he believes get to be on a public beach funded by HIS TAX DOLLARS.
The horror!
[/sarcasm]
…Women in blouses and long skirts? Was it an evangelical fundamentalist summer camp beach trip that day?
It is pretty freakin’ amazing how these manurespherians marinate in misery wherever they go, and how much they want to spray it out on everyone else.
Oh reely?
It appears Sebastian is at least one person in the world with a genuine, abiding interest in Roman history who hasn’t read or heard or watched a word from Mary Beard or any of her academic peers, or even done the least online search. Rome was a teeming hodge-podge of people from all over the empire. Many of them started as captured or purchased slaves, but slavery was not a permanent status in Roman law in the way we understand it. After various periods of time, or after gaining the favour of the household, they became citizens in their own right. (But they were excluded from exalted rank/status like senator even if they managed to become relatively well off.)
http://www.pbs.org/empires/romans/empire/slaves_freemen.html
@ Sebastian Cool story, bro.
Wait, wait…dude’s claiming that Ancient Rome became great because of its austerity?
Riiiiiiiiight. If nothing else, history has definitely taught us that the Romans were the very paragons of austerity. Just look at their banquets, and circuses, and architecture. Totally austere.
Historians argue a lot about what caused Rome’s collapse, or even if it did collapse at all. But no-one, no-one thinks it happened because Romans “lost their virtue”.
What noble tradition did the Romans forget to uphold? Was it the crucifixions? Or the slavery? Or the animal-baiting?
@ gaebolga
In fairness during the Claudian austerity drive (after Caligula had nearly drained the treasury) they did limit themselves to only gold plating the doors of public buildings rather than using solid gold.
I’m not totally sure ancient Rome is a bad metaphor, but not how he used it. After all, it seems likely that Trump would rather be Caesar than President.
I remember it made the news a couple of years back when popular British TV chef Nigella Lawson chose to wear a burkhini on the beach.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/aishagani/muslim-women-burkini?utm_term=.nlo2bO9z4#.toYPw5vNn
Personally, I think what people wear on the beach is up to them as long as it isn’t showing the wrong bits to kids or frightening dogs.
The fundamentalist Quiverfull families basically wear ‘modesty’ swimsuits to the beach, for fear of ‘defrauding’ onlooking males. Although, they look pretty heavy and limiting, you could drown wearing that, I’m sure 🙁
http://wp.patheos.com.s3.amazonaws.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/files/2012/07/wholesome-wear-281×300.jpg
Today on “Shit That Didn’t Happen”.
Also, I’m still pissed off at “Return of Kings” for possibly appropriating a Lord of the Rings title. First the Matrix, now this. BTW (spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen Lord of the Rings): Return of the King), in the movie from which they probably stole their name, the Witch-King of Angmar was defeated by *gasp* a woman!
Any place that pisses off a RoK writer is a cool place in my book. I really wanna know which city he was talking about now, so that I can maybe buy a house DIRECTLY ON THE BEACH.
@Alan
I stand corrected, sir!
The poor dear. Here’s a little ode he can relate to.
@ Virgin Mary
The burkini fuss is especially amusing down here where standard beach attire is a wetsuit.
Eowyn’s a badass
@ gaebolga
And so you should maligning those poor hardworking Romans. It’s not easy slobbing in the baths all day, and after the reforms there were almost as many work days as public holidays!
(Seriously though, do those guys not realise that an economy founded on slavery and taxation of conquered territory is not the best comparator for a modern society?)
ETA: Although thinking about it, I can see how he might be hankering back for that.
So the article was just him imagining things from his bigoted perspective. I think most ROK contributors need to go outside more.
Also, weren’t the ancient romans fairly inclusive,out of more of a practical reason than principle?
Edit: mildlymagnificent answered this already.
@Alan: Isn’t it hilariously ironic that many of the people who hanker for the likes of ancient Roman civilization would, under that system, probably end up as slaves or peasants or otherwise on the bottom rungs of the society ladder? Careful what you goobers wish for!
@ Violet
Are you familiar with the Asimov anecdote from when he and his wife went to a posh party?
I won’t ask why they see minorities everywhere, and how it’s the end of western civilization. I know why that’s all they see. Their filters are on tight.
I just want to know – why Rome? There are piles of empires that have fallen, and many of them from decadence and debauchery. Rome’s a terrible example of that. They didn’t fall because of decadence or (gasp) multiculturalism, they fell (amongst many other reasons) because their economy was based on conquest and expansion. I mean, jees, talk about the Tokugawa shogunate and the gentle easing of the Samurai class, or talk about Easter Island, or talk about the collapse of th-
Ohh, wait I get it.
The only empires that count to these guys are the European ones. And, well, there’s plenty to choose from there but to be honest I doubt they know any more than, say, the Romans and the Greeks (And I doubt they know what happened to the Greeks specifically).
(And of course there’s the failure of that mysterious Third Reich, which they no doubt count as another glorious civilization, cut down in its prime by the dastardly sons of Zion or something. As if a couple years of conquest is more than a faint candle to the accomplishments of the past. Ugh.)
These guys are so boring.
The Roman attitude towards homosexuality is interesting:
“Roman men were free to enjoy sex with other males without a perceived loss of masculinity or social status, as long as they took the dominant or penetrative role”
I wonder if Sebastian knows that?
People being too poor to afford a bathing suit is a recent thing and something that never happened to white people?
I guess Sebastien never heard of the great depression? People were too poor to eat oftentimes, let alone purchase specialty apparel.
[To the tune of your favorite jingle]
Now’s a good time to post the list of every cause scholars have given for the fall of the Roman Empire!
[Music ends]
Seriously, every imaginable reason why a real or fictional society has decayed has been ascribed to Rome. Most of them are contradictory, most of them are implausible. Just like this post.
Hi, long time reader, first time commenter, but i couldn´t let pass this thing, i read it 5 times and i still don´t get it:
“With the exception of diversity, which is a weapon used by the elite to divide, conquer, and rule the population, each of the things I saw on my beach vacation indicated that the foundation of America is rotting.”
English is not my first language so correct me if i´m wrong, no just he thinks that diversity is a terrible thing that destroys people, but also that awful thing is the only one that truly represents America? That “divide, conquer and rule the population” is NOT a rotten America? I reading that right?
This people has any awareness at all?