Welcome to the first installment of a new series here on We Hunted the Mammoth: Today in Breitbart Comments.
It’s pretty simple. Every day I will read through as many comments on Breitbart as I can stomach, and bring back some of the, er, best for you!
Today, I looked through some of the 5076 (and counting) comments Breitbart readers left on a post titled “Clinton Campaign Dogpiles NBC Reporter for Covering Hillary’s Coughing Attack.”
As it turns out, Breitbart’s commenters have quite a few concerns about Hillary’s health — and some, well, novel explanations for her cough. Some selected comments from the thread:
And here is the most-liked comment in the thread:
REMINDER: This is the audience that Steve Bannon, Donald Trump’s campaign CEO, cultivated for many years as the head cheese of Breitbart — and that Trump was presumably hoping to appeal to by hiring Bannon to run his campaign.
@Axe
Heyyyyyyy. I was trying to be subtle. :p
@IP
Last week:
‘Hmm… What you’re describing seems to me like an oral fixation’
‘You know that’s right!’ *wink*
Subtlety ain’t ya strong suit, buddy 😀
…
But for real, do you know what that throat clearing thing is? I can’t fuckin stop. Especially when I sing
@Axe
Did I say that wink thing? I don’t even remember that. I probably meant I chew on bottle caps and stuff. Promise!
No, I don’t know what it is. :/ For me it’s been getting worse in the last few years and it’s taking a toll on my vocal chords. It’s definitely compulsive and I do it more when I’m trying to focus or when I need be quiet. It’s not as bad when I’m actually speaking to someone. I’ve brought it up with doctors but I haven’t heard any decent ideas so far. It really sucks though.
@IP
Not in so many words. And to be fair, it was the tongue emoticon and not the wink. But I mean… even more so. I was just like ‘breh, you serious?’ Tho, considering the shit I’ve been unsubtly talking about the last few days, we’ll call it a wash. Besides, someone’s gotta make those jokes ?
Oh, bother… I think it’s making me a better singer tho. Being annoyingly aware of my limits, especially my range (it gets worse at higher pitches), has taught me some stuff. So that’s nice, I suppose
@Axe
Hahaha. Dude. If the P smiley makes you think of cunnilingus, I think you’re the weirdo here. 😉
@IP
http://67.media.tumblr.com/98fe6eda4ad300280f2b88ae1480198c/tumblr_nxbfpckxx21udhmmmo7_r1_250.gif
My singing teacher recommended steam for this kind of problem. Especially for competition. Backstage and waiting in the wings can be surprisingly dry and dusty places. She always suggested I take a thermos of plain boiling water and then take the top off when I was one or two competitors short of having to walk on. A few deep breaths of concentrated but not scorching hot steam do relaxing, soothing wonders for a tense or dust affected throat. (Very important to take a few breaths through the nose as well as through the mouth. Make the mucous membranes of the whole voice production area adequately and evenly fluid.)
As for singers having throat irritation or irritating coughs? Singing relies largely on abnormal breathing – a) through the mouth, b) big breaths one after the other . Makes you much more susceptible to viruses – because you’re not breathing normally through the protective filtering in the nose. Similarly with dusts and pollens, they aren’t stopped in the nose – they go straight into your wide open mouth and down your unprotected throat.
Well, if that’s the group Trump is trying to appeal to, he’s clearly enormously successful.
Let’s hope people not in this group remember to vote.
I would be fascinated to see who these people are in real life. Do they come across as balls of hate and misery, or do they cultivate a sweet and quiet exterior? Do they say things like this to their families and colleagues or do they lead secret internet double lives?
I didn’t get past “Lesbians cough a lot.”
LOLWUT?
Poor David. The sacrifices he makes for his blog.
I cannot wait for this to come full circle with “cough a lot to convince them you give cunnilingus” popping up as a dating tip.
Well, speaking for Big Pharma and Our Global Conspiracy (we’re after your kids and puppies, folks) as I am Authorised to do, I can safely say we have the cure for everything but we’re holding onto them in secret because Reasons.
The Clinton Conspirator (Or Great She Lizard) is well dosed. We make her look feeble to lull manginas into a false sense of comfort. She will of course shed her Hu-Mon form and dominate men by forcing them to not wear cargo shorts or beards or something.
Okay I lost the will to live there, but I feel I was into something. ?
Wow, I’m a lesbian and I never cough ever. Of course that’s because I have a synthetic morphine patch pumping cough suppressing pain medication into my body 24/7, but details.
The only side effect I found with what lesbians do with their tongues was something of ache when I was dating a particularly saucy woman.
@ varalys
That sounds like an endorsement from the weirdest infomercial ever broadcast.
On a completely unrelated note, here’s that link to the Gaiman Lovecraft Sherlock story. I’d love to see an analysis of this on your blog.
http://www.neilgaiman.com/mediafiles/exclusive/shortstories/emerald.pdf
@mildlymagnificent
I hasten to stress my singing is purely of the recreational, this song’s stuck in my head type, as opposed to your fascinating, competitive stage type. Still, I can’t imagine that’s bad advice. Thx!
Might I ask, how does competitive singing work? I mean, how is it judged? Are there certain kinds of pieces you need to do? The dreaded ‘here’s a song you’ve never heard of, don’t mess up’? In middle school band, we had Festival. If (big if, don’t know how much of a thing it is) you know what that is, is what you do similar?
Afternoon rounds at the Breitbart Teaching Hospital…
*patient coughs*
Diagnosis: Lesbian
*patient stumbles on stairs in public*
Diagnosis: Alzheimer’s
*patient is momentarily startled by sudden loud question at campaign rally*
Diagnosis: Epilepsy
*patient endures 11 hour congressional interrogation*
Diagnosis: No stamina
*patient sits on stool*
Prognosis: Three weeks left to live
*patient has fake letter attesting to astonishingly excellent health*
Diagnosis: Astonishingly excellent health
@ buttercup
That should be a whimsical crime mystery TV series.
@Buttercup
Yep!
***
Human Metaverse, the individual with the most-liked comment on Breitbart, said that Hillary Clinton
Only “at times”?
I guess that the qualification is for verisimilitude. Human Metaverse knows that we’ve all seen Hillary Clinton walk.
What astonishes me is that HM even bothers with the qualification. HM, don’t hold back.
Infectious carrier of cowpox! The reincarnation of Lucky Luciano! The assassin of President William McKinley! Longtime lover of Che Guevara! All of these comedic themes have yet to be explored.
Why feel bound by some pesky notion of reality — it’s interfering with your art, you comic genius you!
To be fair (!!!), the idea that coughing can have some kind of sexual and/or psychological source has been around for a long time.
But that simply confirms the utter lack of originality of these commenters.
@ Axe
Lotsa cold showers for you, young man! Honestly.
‘Lesbians cough a lot!!’
I’m crying. Even if you try to apply Breitbart ‘logic’ to this, it’s impossible to make any sense of that comment.
How would oral sex (or tongue movements in general) cause you to cough? Do they think vaginas emit toxic fumes? Is that is? Going down on a woman will slowly poison you until your lungs degrade and thus turn you into an old, coughing monster?
…actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if they do believe that.
@Kat:
My tie now has hot chocolate all over it from how hard I was laughing at that. Thanks, Obama.
What I d.i.d. … 40ish years ago.
It’s sort of like athletics, you enter different events. Here’s the schedule for this year’s Eisteddfod. http://www.sacomment.com/aes/eisteddfod/ There used to be age and genre related divisions on top of the voice categories for the lesser prizes, but I can’t tell from just a series of time slots what they might be nowadays. I’d normally enter for art songs/lieder (I liked lots of art songs but hated lieder with a passion), operetta/ light opera which they gradually relaxed a bit to include stuff from the more musical musicals like Porgy and Bess, and/or arias – I really can’t remember now whether they did or didn’t separate opera from oratorio. I was also in a choir that entered a couple of times. Though I really didn’t do a lot of competition stuff, mostly choirs and other sacred music and a couple of amateur opera groups.
Here’s one favourite piece that I never got to perform anywhere, competition or otherwise. Sung by Kathleen Battle. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hyqPjkFEvA
Heavens, what was I thinking. Closer to 50 years ago.
Alan,
I think it sounds more like a porn set in a doctor’s office but maybe I just have a gutter brain.
@Alan
Pretty sure that’s, at the very least, the subtext of Australian whodunnit Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries
Mom loves that show…
Not gonna lie, I also enjoy it. A refreshing reversal of the stoic, abrasive, male genius, showing off his logical and deductive brilliance as an outlet for his own, numerous complexes
And speaking of Aussie ladies:
@Mish
I’d need to be submerged in liquid nitrogen ?
*Alan, ya mind handing me my coat?*