Brace yourself, fellas, because Return of Kings is about to blast you with THE TRUTH about those gigantic peens you find everywhere in porn — the TRUTH being that porn penises tend to be larger than the average penis in the real world.
I know this may come as a shock, but unlike most of what appears in Return of Kings, this particular assertion is true. The average erect penis, regular RoK contributor “Bob Smith” informs his readers, is roughly 5.2 inches long, according to some scientific study, whereas the average penis in porn is, well, quite a bit larger than that, according to pretty much every porn clip involving penises that’s out there. I mean, you’ve watched porn, right?
Why so big? Bob Smith thinks he knows: it’s all about making dudes, especially white dudes, “feel like your own equipment is the genital equivalent of sporting a sub-100 IQ.”
After innumerable breathless paragraphs attempting to prove that most porn schlongs are not only larger than average but also fake — nothing more than cleverly designed prosthetics — Smith asks why the porn industry is so obsessed with size.
It couldn’t possibly be that male porn consumers tend to prefer big dicks in the porn they watch, for assorted psychological reasons I don’t completely understand.
Nah, it has to be a CONSPIRACY against the white man.
Now, why would the porn moguls want to do things this way. Well, I can think of one main reason – for purposes of psychological warfare.
The uber-rich own everything, porn-production companies included. And we already know they use mainstream Hollywood films to fuck with your head. And if they can get inside your head, and make you feel bad about yourself, while you watch porn movies, they win again. …
If most men believed that their equipment was substandard, well, that would definitely have a negative psychological effect on them and white men in particular, who always seem to come out second-best in today’s porn films.
Smith does allow that your average black dude might also feel a bit bad after watching all those BBC’s in porn, “because the average black man isn’t packing anything close to what the black porn actors appear to be packing.”
Porn’s big peens also make straight women feel sad in their pants, Smith suggests.
So women go looking for those gigantic porn phalluses out in the real word, because most young females today are raised on Internet porn as well as the Bunyanesque tales regarding massive penis sizes, told to them by their exaggerating girlfriends, and then they can’t find them. So they feel like they are not getting the very biggest and the very best that the world has to offer, and consequently, they feel unsatisfied.
After busting porn’s big dingle conspiracy wide open, Smith turns his attention to those scenes in which female porn stars squirt like Buckingham Fountain — concluding, as you might expect, that these scenes are also faker than fake. This actually seems like a fairly plausible thesis.
So is this a plot to make your average non-squirting real woman feel bad about herself? Smith does acknowledge that seeing female squirters in porn might make some vagina owners feel frustrated and “inadequate.”
But the real target? Dudes. Women need to have someone to take out their assorted sexual frustrations on, you see, and, well, you guessed it:
That would be us. That would be men. Psychological warfare.
What did you do in the war, daddy?
I watched a lot of porn, son. I watched a lot of porn.
Yes, of course, that’s why Pornhub’s user base is 77% male.
@Alan
What a way with words Damon Runyon had. He’s so quintessentially American — and so long dead — that I’m kind of surprised you know about him.
Huge Dingles are the main attraction
Dingles Fairground Heritage Centre that is
@ Kat
I am being introduced by a friend for which I am finding myself eternally grateful.
I am not just salivating over Damon’s use of language (I am wishing everyone is speaking like that in real life); I am also regarding the stories so amusing and engaging. They are being so obviously true to life despite the bizzare situations the protaganists are finding themselves in.
I am being told that Damon is slipping up this one time and there is existing one use of the past tense in the entire canon. It is proving most vexing trying to locate that.
It’s in (rot13’d for spoilers) Gur Yvyl bs Fg Cvreer.
@Alan
I am hearing from my good friend Wikipedia that this Runyon person is a journalist, often finding himself with colorful characters. The gentleman himself is 6 or possibly 12 feet under, so I cannot tell if this is on the up and up.
@EJ
???
I see that you also, although British by way of South Africa, have some knowledge of this Runyon gentleman. It is indeed a pity that it is in a code that cannot be cracked by myself.
@ EJ (& Kat)
Found it!
Now however I’m wondering if it’s a deliberate stylistic choice. Under the circumstances the present tense doesn’t really capture the emotion as it were.
There’s actually another use of past tense in there (and that’s the one I initially thought it was) but that’s quoting a song so I guess that doesn’t count.
@ kat
Lacking as I am in Damon’s linguistic talents I am finding it most hard to keep up writing like this. However I am enjoying the portrayal of the characters in the stories and am in no doubt that they are completely authentic.
*gives up and reverts to vulgar narrative*
Yeah, every story just has that “ring of truth” about it. Whilst there may be a bit of embellishing, the characters are just so real, as are the situations that it’s obvious that he knew these people. He’s a great archivist of a particular time and place. I can well imagine him sat down with some upstanding guys and dolls in some bar where the liquor is not watered down being regaled with slightly exaggerated tales of true events.
Of course he would never get involved himself ‘being a law abiding citizen and having no time for those who are breaking the law’ 🙂
(I just love the way he portrays that ‘What me Gov?’ faux naivety; which he’s clearly absorbed by osmosis from his associates and his abject cowardice “I am leaving before the second shot but am hearing about the events afterwards”)
@Alan
Yeah, the guy’s a genius. He makes me laugh every time.
I’m thinking that Damon Runyon is pretty much admired in these parts as a fine writer with a keen eye and remarkable turn of phrase.
Now I have to search my bookshelves, dammit.
@Kat:
That is the name of the story in which Runyon uses the past tense, although Runyon is not such a guy as normally uses the past tense. In fact, I hear that Runyon is liable to give a guy plenty of the cold shoulder if he uses the past tense, and so only uses it once himself.
By and by citizens get to wondering in which of his stories Runyon makes this slip, or if he considers it a slip at all, and speculate on the matter, and possibly lay a little 6 to 5 on it. Now I am not such a person as will spoil a little harmless fun by giving the answer to these citizens even if I consider 6 to 5 a poor price at that, so what do I do but I encrypt it in a ROT13 cipher.
@ EJ
Bravo! That’s a real tour de force; and now we know what you’ve been up to for the last hour 🙂
Runyonese is really, really hard. Every time I try it I’m surprised at it.
I first read Runyon when I was a kid. My grandparents lived in the States for a while as newspaper foreign correspondents, and bought his books there. I’m always surprised how few people know of him; I’d always considered him one of those writers which everyone reads when they’re 10-14ish, like Tolkien.
@EJ
I thank you for your kindness. It is a complex sort of kindness, one that is new to me. I wish to state for the record that I am now conversant with the truth in this matter.
Intriguing.
Yeah, Runyonese is difficult. And, I’m sure, much more difficult to create.
I actually do think that porn and society in general can give a lot of men body image issues regarding their penis size (a man called Lawrencen Barraclough did a good documentary about this called “My Penis and I”). However, I have no sympathy for MGTOW types on this issue and they frequently body shame women. Treat others as you want to be treated.
So it comes on the summer of 2016 and I’m standing outside Mindy’s on Broadway and I’m hearing these characters I know somewhat talking about a guy named Runyon, a guy who is writing Guys and Dolls, the Idyll of Miss Sarah Brown and other works about the characters that a guy is likely to rub up against round and about on Broadway and Brooklyn and suchlike joints. This is a scribe that is known for his dialogue and his narrative and his ear and such, and me myself, I am not the kind of rank sucker as goes about telling everyone what to read, but in this case, I just might.
You guys (and dolls) are on fire! I am laughing so hearty I am knocking the cream off of an ice cream sundae on a table 50 feet away.
I am also finding this very funny and being the sort of guy who is always plagiarising am having occasion to be quoting this in court in pleas in mitigation. My client having a 6 to 5 chance of going down.
http://www.quotehd.com/imagequotes/authors41/tmb/damon-runyon-quote-much-as-he-is-opposed-to-law-breaking-he-is-not.jpg
@Alan
“A lawyer shall represent a client zealously and diligently within the bounds of the law” -DC Bar Association
Does quoting Runyon fall under ‘zealous’ or ‘diligent’? ?
@ axe
I like to think it falls under ‘cool’. I quote from all sorts of sources; copyright laws don’t apply in court so if there’s something pithy I’m going to nick it. I’ve even got Lionel Hutz in there (it was actually to make a very valid point about the prosecution trying to stick some hearsay evidence in).
@Alan
Hearsay and conjecture are kinds of evidence…
@ axe
Yup, that’s the one. It was after the rules changed here to allow the general admissability of hearsay in criminal proceedings. My point was that a Lionel Hutz argument was now the actual law of the land here.
EJ et al, thank you for making an otherwise pretty bad kind of day just that bit less bad <3
This being the kind of day when a person might put their hand in their pocket and find nothing there but their fingers, though in this instance I am speaking of spoons rather than scratch.
@Lorna
Yes, as a guy who definitely has body issues due to porn and just a terrible high school experience, this is an issue to men. But…yeah, MGTOWers and all those other terrible guys on the net, please stop saying awful shit to women as well.
No one is going to listen to someone who constantly bashes every woman inside and out and then wants sympathy because of a body shaming issue. Just learn to accept people and maybe people will accept you, just a thought.
Maybe as punishment for these guys, they should be linked to this one ten minute porno I found when I was wanting to scratch a kink itch, which had an inept editor on it. First five minutes of the thing was of a sexy woman in a short sundress doing a little dance while making a root beer float and a big dish of ice cream in her room.
It was a mid-distance shot of the actress, so you didn’t get a close-up look at her chest or bum (which I ASSume would be two of the areas of interest in porn), nor did you get a close-up of the food involved (which is also a kind of kink as well; food porn stuff). Just five minutes of a gal making food in her room.
The next four and a half minutes were of the guy part of the pairing arguing with the gal over her taking his ice cream without permission. The last thirty seconds was the editor going “wait–this is a porno flick, isn’t it? Better throw in some explicit sex there to justify it being on a porno site then,” and tossing some sex in there. No segueing into it, just one minute the couple was arguing, the next they were naked and doin’ The Deed.
Hmmm. Maybe the guys being talked about in the OP should be cursed to always find videos just like that one, and nothing but that kind, whenever they go searching for porn.
Serve them right.