Brace yourself, fellas, because Return of Kings is about to blast you with THE TRUTH about those gigantic peens you find everywhere in porn — the TRUTH being that porn penises tend to be larger than the average penis in the real world.
I know this may come as a shock, but unlike most of what appears in Return of Kings, this particular assertion is true. The average erect penis, regular RoK contributor “Bob Smith” informs his readers, is roughly 5.2 inches long, according to some scientific study, whereas the average penis in porn is, well, quite a bit larger than that, according to pretty much every porn clip involving penises that’s out there. I mean, you’ve watched porn, right?
Why so big? Bob Smith thinks he knows: it’s all about making dudes, especially white dudes, “feel like your own equipment is the genital equivalent of sporting a sub-100 IQ.”
After innumerable breathless paragraphs attempting to prove that most porn schlongs are not only larger than average but also fake — nothing more than cleverly designed prosthetics — Smith asks why the porn industry is so obsessed with size.
It couldn’t possibly be that male porn consumers tend to prefer big dicks in the porn they watch, for assorted psychological reasons I don’t completely understand.
Nah, it has to be a CONSPIRACY against the white man.
Now, why would the porn moguls want to do things this way. Well, I can think of one main reason – for purposes of psychological warfare.
The uber-rich own everything, porn-production companies included. And we already know they use mainstream Hollywood films to fuck with your head. And if they can get inside your head, and make you feel bad about yourself, while you watch porn movies, they win again. …
If most men believed that their equipment was substandard, well, that would definitely have a negative psychological effect on them and white men in particular, who always seem to come out second-best in today’s porn films.
Smith does allow that your average black dude might also feel a bit bad after watching all those BBC’s in porn, “because the average black man isn’t packing anything close to what the black porn actors appear to be packing.”
Porn’s big peens also make straight women feel sad in their pants, Smith suggests.
So women go looking for those gigantic porn phalluses out in the real word, because most young females today are raised on Internet porn as well as the Bunyanesque tales regarding massive penis sizes, told to them by their exaggerating girlfriends, and then they can’t find them. So they feel like they are not getting the very biggest and the very best that the world has to offer, and consequently, they feel unsatisfied.
After busting porn’s big dingle conspiracy wide open, Smith turns his attention to those scenes in which female porn stars squirt like Buckingham Fountain — concluding, as you might expect, that these scenes are also faker than fake. This actually seems like a fairly plausible thesis.
So is this a plot to make your average non-squirting real woman feel bad about herself? Smith does acknowledge that seeing female squirters in porn might make some vagina owners feel frustrated and “inadequate.”
But the real target? Dudes. Women need to have someone to take out their assorted sexual frustrations on, you see, and, well, you guessed it:
That would be us. That would be men. Psychological warfare.
What did you do in the war, daddy?
I watched a lot of porn, son. I watched a lot of porn.
@ scarlettathena
I now see from upthread that someone beat me to it! (Ooh er missus)
@The Honourable Axecalibur, Marchioness of the Mammoth:
You can’t ask people to filter! That’s tantamount to suggesting that all media everywhere isn’t produced entirely for their consumption.
Next thing we know, you’re going to be telling them that they don’t need to watch the new Ghostbusters because the old one still exists.
…”busting porn’s big dingle conspiracy wide open”…
Heh heh heh ?
Nice.
Expectation of Privacy.
Private Property.
Feel the Johnson.
E. Belfort Bangs Her.
Right to Bare Arms.
Sexular Humanism.
(She) Sates Right.
The Invisible Handjob Market.
Edit: Second Titties on Government. Dick Source on the Orifice of Inequality.
Debbie does Dollar Store Discounts.
(I’m so sorry.)
Regarding “mainstream” porn, I read an interesting take a while back (I believe from Amanda Marcotte).
The mainstream market doesn’t cater to the broadest possible demographic, but the most voracious consumers. The guys most drawn to male power and dominance fantasies are buying the bulk of the porn, so that’s what gets catered to. The result is that casual porn buyers participating in the mainstream market see those traits amplified and normalized.
Now I’m wondering how this goes. Do they get to the sexytimes portion of the evening, remove their clothes and the woman says, “Sorry, I only have sex with cocks 7 inches or larger. Goodnight!” Or do women have magic radar that lets us know how big every guy’s dick is so we don’t bother with the too small ones?
Am I the only one who saw the word “Bunyanesque” and wondered what the The Pilgrim’s Progress had to do with dick size (Paul Bunyan isn’t a thing where I come from)? I could only come up with the giant Despair…
It’s true! Plus I hear womz can tell the size of a guy’s dick just by looking at them, maybe it’s your hand or shoe size, smell, dating profile, I dunno how, but they know down to the half-inch with a 2% margin of error!
Most HB8+ won’t even talk to a guy sub-10 inches. Fact.
@My Liege EJ, Resident of the Pride 🙂
Or that they can’t check out the early bits of a video, story, photoset, etc, decide it’s not for them, and move on. Holy shit, that’s half the process, fellas! I can’t fathom these bozos having anything other than the most miserable hatewanks. Part of learning how to masturbate (and it is a skill!) is realizing both that (1) you’re in control of your feelings and (2) if you’re not enjoying it, what’s the point?
This is them explaining how they’re not even a little responsible for their own well being. They offer neither support nor solutions. It’s no different than their ‘field reports’. The sexy stuff deserves, at most, a throwaway mention, cos that’s not the part that’s fun for them. The whole point is to be brave warriors, fighting the dragons of their own insecurities, with those wily [slurs] as ‘targets’
Yes, society and an exploitative industry push certain things at you. Sorry about that, but you gotta stop blaming your unhappiness on #allwomen or whatever other fever dream boogeyman you’ve invented. And yes, menzers, I do mean that more generally than this discussion. Now go… something something legos and genitals… I can’t right now, ya know what I mean…
Why yes, I did just woke up from the lamest, shortest nap of my life. How could ya tell? 😛
@JC
Love that song!
@Axe:
Preach. It saddens me when I see men behave like that; they’re smart enough to understand that they’re unhappy, but too vain to understand that it’s not their fellow exploited people but the exploitative system itself that’s making them unhappy.
Also, you don’t need to call me “my liege.” I’m not a king or anything.
Unless…
…hang on. In the other thread, Sedentary Reactionary said that he wanted a king so that he would know what to do. He ignored or attacked everyone else, but when I asked him questions he answered pretty honestly. Looking back at it, it was odd that he was so immediately cooperative to me and not to anyone else.
Am I…
Am I the king of the neoreactionaries? I hope not. How does one test for these things? Can I buy a test at the chemist’s like you can for pregnancy?
Can’t believe I didn’t think of one of the Broad City webisodes immediately:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zLT9xJX6Rw
or the Blake Griffin appearance.
Sorry, I should have made the fact I was being sarcastic more obvious. I mean, a ton of these guys complaining about big peens are probably the same people who say scantly clad women in video games is obviously what everyone wants or white cis male leads in movies is what obviously everyone wants. And by everyone they mean them speficially. Sorry I didn’t make it more apparent that’s what I meant.
@EJ
http://kwwl.images.worldnow.com/images/9807038_G.jpg
Wait a minute. The guy on the left seems awful familiar…
http://37.media.tumblr.com/688c18c80c17a9b01f4e2dfc7ec8aabe/tumblr_n6jt3vTiAg1sp9f4bo1_500.gif
…
PS: Do y’all ever run into linguistic trouble between a pharmaceutical chemist and a more general chemist? That always throws me in Brit TV shows and movies
Given I was confused about the question for a beat (trying to think what kind of language differences there would be between a chemist working in the pharmaceutical industry and others) before the Brit TV show mention, I guess a little.
See, they could have so easily made the accurate point that mainstream porn fosters ridiculous body and performance expectations for both men AND women, but like all things MRM they had to take a good point and squash it into a pulpy mass of hate juice.
@Chesselwitt
Didn’t you get your Dick Radar(tm) from Katie on Etsy? She sells them really cheap.
In addition to indicating dick size, they let you know what level dick a guy is and point out guys named Dick.
Okay, obviously some guys just need a little help getting through life. I actually met such a guy once. Slept with him even. If it weren’t for his insecurities, he’d have been quite pleasant really. But anyway, I was forced to explain to him that once a man’s penis has reached my cervix there is really no call to go any further. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t. That puts an upper limit on the desirable length. As to lower limits, it’s a well-known fact that’s even true for a change, that women are not especially sensitive in the uppermost parts of their vaginas. Until you start knocking on their cervix like you’re trying to get back in, that is. So there is really no call in this world for very long penises. They are literally a waste of space in guys’ pants. Possibly amusing to look at, but that’s about it.
There, I hope that’s made you all feel better, boys.
@JoeB
Aight! I’m sure there’s wacky Murican word mixups as well 🙂
Also, just noticed. I have ‘porns huge dingles’ in my web history now. In a few days, when this thread dies out completely, I’ll hafta clear it. Supes annoying…
“Quis Custodiet Ipsos Penes, eh?”
In any case, porn won’t be Bunyanesque for long, because in Hillary’s Mexican America, Paul Bunyan will lose his job to Pecos Bill.
@Axe
Nothing beats the youtube algorithm for finding videos “that you might enjoy”. When a new friend of yours who doesn’t know your politics is looking for music on youtube while you’re grabbing drinks.
@ Richard
I initially saw that as “Runyan” and imagined porn where all the participants speak only in the present tense.
There’s a relevant xkcd, of course:
http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/penises.png
I googled for ‘xkcd move on’, because search history.
EJ:
No, I think you’re the troll whisperer. Is that a useful skill? Dunno.
@ScarlettAthena
I don’t know why, but this made me snort tea out of my nose.
Wow, no one’s made the joke about “Galt’s Gulch” being the nickname for Dagny Taggart’s ladyparts?