Brace yourself, fellas, because Return of Kings is about to blast you with THE TRUTH about those gigantic peens you find everywhere in porn — the TRUTH being that porn penises tend to be larger than the average penis in the real world.
I know this may come as a shock, but unlike most of what appears in Return of Kings, this particular assertion is true. The average erect penis, regular RoK contributor “Bob Smith” informs his readers, is roughly 5.2 inches long, according to some scientific study, whereas the average penis in porn is, well, quite a bit larger than that, according to pretty much every porn clip involving penises that’s out there. I mean, you’ve watched porn, right?
Why so big? Bob Smith thinks he knows: it’s all about making dudes, especially white dudes, “feel like your own equipment is the genital equivalent of sporting a sub-100 IQ.”
After innumerable breathless paragraphs attempting to prove that most porn schlongs are not only larger than average but also fake — nothing more than cleverly designed prosthetics — Smith asks why the porn industry is so obsessed with size.
It couldn’t possibly be that male porn consumers tend to prefer big dicks in the porn they watch, for assorted psychological reasons I don’t completely understand.
Nah, it has to be a CONSPIRACY against the white man.
Now, why would the porn moguls want to do things this way. Well, I can think of one main reason – for purposes of psychological warfare.
The uber-rich own everything, porn-production companies included. And we already know they use mainstream Hollywood films to fuck with your head. And if they can get inside your head, and make you feel bad about yourself, while you watch porn movies, they win again. …
If most men believed that their equipment was substandard, well, that would definitely have a negative psychological effect on them and white men in particular, who always seem to come out second-best in today’s porn films.
Smith does allow that your average black dude might also feel a bit bad after watching all those BBC’s in porn, “because the average black man isn’t packing anything close to what the black porn actors appear to be packing.”
Porn’s big peens also make straight women feel sad in their pants, Smith suggests.
So women go looking for those gigantic porn phalluses out in the real word, because most young females today are raised on Internet porn as well as the Bunyanesque tales regarding massive penis sizes, told to them by their exaggerating girlfriends, and then they can’t find them. So they feel like they are not getting the very biggest and the very best that the world has to offer, and consequently, they feel unsatisfied.
After busting porn’s big dingle conspiracy wide open, Smith turns his attention to those scenes in which female porn stars squirt like Buckingham Fountain — concluding, as you might expect, that these scenes are also faker than fake. This actually seems like a fairly plausible thesis.
So is this a plot to make your average non-squirting real woman feel bad about herself? Smith does acknowledge that seeing female squirters in porn might make some vagina owners feel frustrated and “inadequate.”
But the real target? Dudes. Women need to have someone to take out their assorted sexual frustrations on, you see, and, well, you guessed it:
That would be us. That would be men. Psychological warfare.
What did you do in the war, daddy?
I watched a lot of porn, son. I watched a lot of porn.
@John
Not from 1st hand experience, no. I’ll take your word for it…
Become an Alpha Male in 3 easy steps!
Step 1: Set impossible standards for all men, including yourself.
Step 2: Fail to live up to said impossible standards.
Step 3: Blame women.
Ta-dah!
@Alan
I don’t recall that Vonnegut story, so I don’t think I’ve read it.
I think that it’s an example of Great Minds Think Alike.
Of course, it’s possible that I’ve forgotten a detail or two about the Vonnegut I read (a few novels) when I was sixteen.
You’ve been discussing libertarian port titles and ‘Ayn Randy’ hasn’t come up yet? I am disappoint. 😛
@ Kat
I can’t remember which book it’s in, but within the book it’s a Kilgore Trout story.
(Ooh, now I have a sudden the urge for Sirens and Cats Cradle)
“The Fountain. And Head.”
@Axe
I think from now on I’m gonna be seeing dirty puns in everything you write on this thread. Haha you said hand experience ! Hilarious.
OT : there’s various allegations in the fever swamps that Milo has transferred the privilege grant monies on his own bank account. Looking forward to the upcoming meltdown.
“Galt’s Junk”
“The Mushroom Head”
“Atlas Fucked”
“The Dong Aggression Principle”
“Jetpack Vixens”
“Giant Mammaries in Tiny Government”
“Tax Me Gently”
“Small Businessmen”
“(There’s No Such Thing As) Barely Legal”
Okay I’m grossing myself out now.
Atlas Shagged.
Orren Boyle’s Steel
Mr Thompson: Head of Prostate
…
Was gonna make a Dagny Taggart pun, but… I can’t bring myself to do so in good conscience. The more i think about objectivism and Rand herself, the less funny it becomes. Blergh
Not sure as I’ve not read it, but I’m betting that the Vonnegut book Alan was remembering is Breakfast of Champions, seeing as there’s a cereal connection.
@Ledasmom
Starring Howard Pork.
Shock, horror: return-to-zero dude discovers porn is fantasy, has hard time distinguishing it from reality, kind of succeeds but then sees mysandric conspiracy.
Most people are pretty good at separating fantasies from reality. See also gamers etc etc.
Is the soppy world of rom(p)coms also “psychological warfare” since as its miscreations have also little to do with reality?
Watch amateur porn. Problem solved?
B-buh-buh-but Makroth – amateur porn might have the dreaded body positivity in it – and that means some of the female actors (gasp) might not be perfect HB10s! OH NOES THE MISANDRYYYYY
RoK dudes be all, “Body positivity for me, but not for thee!”
“We want porn that embodies our heteronormative dominance fantasies and humiliates the female participants, allowing us to imagine ourselves symbolically dominating the female gender!”
…
“Woah, woah, woah, what are you doing? This is too dominant! We can’t identify with this actor any more. We’re feeling threatened by him instead. This porn is humiliating the wrong people. Fix it! Fix it!”
…
“No, we aren’t paying for it. We’re pirating it off the internet like we do the rest of our media. Why do you ask?”
You know, when people are so ill-at-ease in their own lives that they’re frightened by their own dominance fantasies, I start to doubt their claims of Alpha-Male-ness.
They say the drivers of flashy cars are compensating for feeling inadequate in the trouser department.
I’m quite happy driving old wrecks.
Lol.
Piggybacking off of @EJ, if you’re gonna pirate, don’t just complain. You can whine about it on RoK, or you can actively go about making things easier for yourself
Most websites serving as your spankbank have pretty useful search and categorization functions. Material involving larger individuals tend to let you know, loudly and proudly, what you’re in for. Filter, filter, and filter some more. As per @Makroth, ‘amateurs’ skew the average less. Of course, via @NiOg, you might hafta put up with people of all genders, colors, shapes, sizes, and fetishes being confident in themselves, so that may be a dealbreaker for ya. There are also sites, blogs, the like that particularly cater to certain things. Perhaps, you can avoid psy warfare by checking out the local farmer’s market, instead of going to Walmart (I use far too many metaphors)
Or they just wanna complain about an imagined, sinister, feeemale plot. That works too, i suppose
I actually don’t watch porn (probably because I’m kind of a prude) but the excellently sex-positive webcomic Oh Joy, Sex Toy has had a few reviews of porn companies/websites that do what I guess can be called feminist porn – showing more diversity, respectful to participants, more about mutual fun than dominance, etc. So seems these options do exist, for those who look for them.
[Slight oversharing]
(Actually, webcomics like OJST and Oglaf seem to bypass my inherent prudishness because they tend to be positive and funny, so I enjoy reading them. Still not really something I’d really jerk off to, though, just a fun read.)
[Maybe oversharing?]
I know it won’t help RoK peoples, but there are queer porn sites as well that show different combinations of body types and genders having sex that happens to have been filmed.
The one i’m thinking of specifically is Crash Pad, which i found through an oh joy sex toy ad (and review, i think?)
I don’t think it features many cis m/m pairings, but i haven’t really looked. I’m not really a fan of video porn… 😐
(I like that the tag to bold something is called ‘strong’.)
In which our hero blows up a huge erection that offends his aesthetic sensibilities.
This may or may not be the time to mention again that there is an apartment complex called “Fountainhead” just down the road from us. Always gives me a chuckle.
My two take-aways:
(1) that porn is not just about people making money but there is a conspiracy afoot to make men feel inadequate.
It’s not that this is just the way thing went, there must be a group of wealthy who meet in Bohemian Grove to determine the direction of society.
(2) that women are too stupid to recognize the fantasy and are looking for the fabled large cocks – and it is implied that *this* is why Bob Smith and others like him are not getting laid.
@ scarlettathena
Surely a pornography based conspiracy would be more likely promulgated by the RANDy Corporation?
(Why yes, that is my coat)
@Alan Robertshaw
good one!
Porn creates unrealistic expectations about sex and about what bodies are supposed to look like. That being said, I can’t be arsed to feel too sorry for The Return of Wankers minions and their toxic feelings of inadequacy.