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Porn’s huge dingles are a form of “psychological warfare” against men, Return of Kings insists

The hot dog is a lie!
The hot dog is a lie!

Brace yourself, fellas, because Return of Kings is about to blast you with THE TRUTH about those gigantic peens you find everywhere in porn — the TRUTH being that porn penises tend to be larger than the average penis in the real world.

I know this may come as a shock, but unlike most of what appears in Return of Kings, this particular assertion is true. The average erect penis, regular RoK contributor “Bob Smith” informs his readers, is roughly 5.2 inches long, according to some scientific study, whereas the average penis in porn is, well, quite a bit larger than that, according to pretty much every porn clip involving penises that’s out there. I mean, you’ve watched porn, right?

Why so big? Bob Smith thinks he knows: it’s all about making dudes, especially white dudes, “feel like your own equipment is the genital equivalent of sporting a sub-100 IQ.”

After innumerable breathless paragraphs attempting to prove that most porn schlongs are not only larger than average but also fake — nothing more than cleverly designed prosthetics — Smith asks why the porn industry is so obsessed with size.

It couldn’t possibly be that male porn consumers tend to prefer big dicks in the porn they watch, for assorted psychological reasons I don’t completely understand.

Nah, it has to be a CONSPIRACY against the white man.

Now, why would the porn moguls want to do things this way. Well, I can think of one main reason – for purposes of psychological warfare.

The uber-rich own everything, porn-production companies included. And we already know they use mainstream Hollywood films to fuck with your head. And if they can get inside your head, and make you feel bad about yourself, while you watch porn movies, they win again. …

If most men believed that their equipment was substandard, well, that would definitely have a negative psychological effect on them and white men in particular, who always seem to come out second-best in today’s porn films.

Smith does allow that your average black dude might also feel a bit bad after watching all those BBC’s in porn, “because the average black man isn’t packing anything close to what the black porn actors appear to be packing.”

Porn’s big peens also make straight women feel sad in their pants, Smith suggests.

So women go looking for those gigantic porn phalluses out in the real word, because most young females today are raised on Internet porn as well as the Bunyanesque tales regarding massive penis sizes, told to them by their exaggerating girlfriends, and then they can’t find them. So they feel like they are not getting the very biggest and the very best that the world has to offer, and consequently, they feel unsatisfied.

After busting porn’s big dingle conspiracy wide open, Smith turns his attention to those scenes in which female porn stars squirt like Buckingham Fountain — concluding, as you might expect, that these scenes are also faker than fake. This actually seems like a fairly plausible thesis.

So is this a plot to make your average non-squirting real woman feel bad about herself? Smith does acknowledge that seeing female squirters in porn might make some vagina owners feel frustrated and “inadequate.”

But the real target? Dudes. Women need to have someone to take out their assorted sexual frustrations on, you see, and, well, you guessed it:

That would be us. That would be men. Psychological warfare.

What did you do in the war, daddy?

I watched a lot of porn, son. I watched a lot of porn. 

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Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@John

do you have any idea

Not from 1st hand experience, no. I’ll take your word for it…

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

Become an Alpha Male in 3 easy steps!

Step 1: Set impossible standards for all men, including yourself.

Step 2: Fail to live up to said impossible standards.

Step 3: Blame women.

Ta-dah!

Kat
Kat
4 years ago

@Alan
I don’t recall that Vonnegut story, so I don’t think I’ve read it.

I think that it’s an example of Great Minds Think Alike.

Of course, it’s possible that I’ve forgotten a detail or two about the Vonnegut I read (a few novels) when I was sixteen.

Keated
Keated
4 years ago

You’ve been discussing libertarian port titles and ‘Ayn Randy’ hasn’t come up yet? I am disappoint. 😛

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ Kat

I can’t remember which book it’s in, but within the book it’s a Kilgore Trout story.

(Ooh, now I have a sudden the urge for Sirens and Cats Cradle)

Ledasmom
Ledasmom
4 years ago

You’ve been discussing libertarian porn titles and ‘Ayn Randy’ hasn’t come up yet? I am disappoint. 😛

“The Fountain. And Head.”

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
4 years ago

@Axe

I think from now on I’m gonna be seeing dirty puns in everything you write on this thread. Haha you said hand experience ! Hilarious.

OT : there’s various allegations in the fever swamps that Milo has transferred the privilege grant monies on his own bank account. Looking forward to the upcoming meltdown.

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

“Galt’s Junk”
“The Mushroom Head”
“Atlas Fucked”
“The Dong Aggression Principle”
“Jetpack Vixens”
“Giant Mammaries in Tiny Government”
“Tax Me Gently”
“Small Businessmen”
“(There’s No Such Thing As) Barely Legal”

Okay I’m grossing myself out now.

Wetherby
Wetherby
4 years ago

Atlas Shagged.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

Orren Boyle’s Steel
Mr Thompson: Head of Prostate

Was gonna make a Dagny Taggart pun, but… I can’t bring myself to do so in good conscience. The more i think about objectivism and Rand herself, the less funny it becomes. Blergh

Crys T
Crys T
4 years ago

Not sure as I’ve not read it, but I’m betting that the Vonnegut book Alan was remembering is Breakfast of Champions, seeing as there’s a cereal connection.

Buttercup Q. Skullpants
Buttercup Q. Skullpants
4 years ago

@Ledasmom

“The Fountain. And Head.”

Starring Howard Pork.

Gert
Gert
4 years ago

Shock, horror: return-to-zero dude discovers porn is fantasy, has hard time distinguishing it from reality, kind of succeeds but then sees mysandric conspiracy.

Most people are pretty good at separating fantasies from reality. See also gamers etc etc.

Is the soppy world of rom(p)coms also “psychological warfare” since as its miscreations have also little to do with reality?

Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
Makroth - Agent of the Great Degeneracy
4 years ago

Watch amateur porn. Problem solved?

NiOg, Adorator Culorum Actus Lesbiis
NiOg, Adorator Culorum Actus Lesbiis
4 years ago

B-buh-buh-but Makroth – amateur porn might have the dreaded body positivity in it – and that means some of the female actors (gasp) might not be perfect HB10s! OH NOES THE MISANDRYYYYY

RoK dudes be all, “Body positivity for me, but not for thee!”

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

“We want porn that embodies our heteronormative dominance fantasies and humiliates the female participants, allowing us to imagine ourselves symbolically dominating the female gender!”

“Woah, woah, woah, what are you doing? This is too dominant! We can’t identify with this actor any more. We’re feeling threatened by him instead. This porn is humiliating the wrong people. Fix it! Fix it!”

“No, we aren’t paying for it. We’re pirating it off the internet like we do the rest of our media. Why do you ask?”

You know, when people are so ill-at-ease in their own lives that they’re frightened by their own dominance fantasies, I start to doubt their claims of Alpha-Male-ness.

Kevin
Kevin
4 years ago

They say the drivers of flashy cars are compensating for feeling inadequate in the trouser department.
I’m quite happy driving old wrecks.
Lol.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

Piggybacking off of @EJ, if you’re gonna pirate, don’t just complain. You can whine about it on RoK, or you can actively go about making things easier for yourself

Most websites serving as your spankbank have pretty useful search and categorization functions. Material involving larger individuals tend to let you know, loudly and proudly, what you’re in for. Filter, filter, and filter some more. As per @Makroth, ‘amateurs’ skew the average less. Of course, via @NiOg, you might hafta put up with people of all genders, colors, shapes, sizes, and fetishes being confident in themselves, so that may be a dealbreaker for ya. There are also sites, blogs, the like that particularly cater to certain things. Perhaps, you can avoid psy warfare by checking out the local farmer’s market, instead of going to Walmart (I use far too many metaphors)

Or they just wanna complain about an imagined, sinister, feeemale plot. That works too, i suppose

Penny Psmith
Penny Psmith
4 years ago

I actually don’t watch porn (probably because I’m kind of a prude) but the excellently sex-positive webcomic Oh Joy, Sex Toy has had a few reviews of porn companies/websites that do what I guess can be called feminist porn – showing more diversity, respectful to participants, more about mutual fun than dominance, etc. So seems these options do exist, for those who look for them.

[Slight oversharing]
(Actually, webcomics like OJST and Oglaf seem to bypass my inherent prudishness because they tend to be positive and funny, so I enjoy reading them. Still not really something I’d really jerk off to, though, just a fun read.)

Rhuu
Rhuu
4 years ago

[Maybe oversharing?]

I know it won’t help RoK peoples, but there are queer porn sites as well that show different combinations of body types and genders having sex that happens to have been filmed.

The one i’m thinking of specifically is Crash Pad, which i found through an oh joy sex toy ad (and review, i think?)

I don’t think it features many cis m/m pairings, but i haven’t really looked. I’m not really a fan of video porn… 😐

(I like that the tag to bold something is called ‘strong’.)

Ledasmom
Ledasmom
4 years ago

“The Fountain. And Head.”
Starring Howard Pork.

In which our hero blows up a huge erection that offends his aesthetic sensibilities.
This may or may not be the time to mention again that there is an apartment complex called “Fountainhead” just down the road from us. Always gives me a chuckle.

ScarlettAthena
ScarlettAthena
4 years ago

My two take-aways:
(1) that porn is not just about people making money but there is a conspiracy afoot to make men feel inadequate.

It’s not that this is just the way thing went, there must be a group of wealthy who meet in Bohemian Grove to determine the direction of society.

(2) that women are too stupid to recognize the fantasy and are looking for the fabled large cocks – and it is implied that *this* is why Bob Smith and others like him are not getting laid.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ scarlettathena

who meet in Bohemian Grove

Surely a pornography based conspiracy would be more likely promulgated by the RANDy Corporation?

(Why yes, that is my coat)

ScarlettAthena
ScarlettAthena
4 years ago

@Alan Robertshaw

good one!

the real cie
the real cie
4 years ago

Porn creates unrealistic expectations about sex and about what bodies are supposed to look like. That being said, I can’t be arsed to feel too sorry for The Return of Wankers minions and their toxic feelings of inadequacy.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ scarlettathena

I now see from upthread that someone beat me to it! (Ooh er missus)

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

@The Honourable Axecalibur, Marchioness of the Mammoth:

You can’t ask people to filter! That’s tantamount to suggesting that all media everywhere isn’t produced entirely for their consumption.

Next thing we know, you’re going to be telling them that they don’t need to watch the new Ghostbusters because the old one still exists.

Pol
Pol
4 years ago

…”busting porn’s big dingle conspiracy wide open”…

Heh heh heh 😁

Nice.

Orion
Orion
4 years ago

Expectation of Privacy.
Private Property.
Feel the Johnson.
E. Belfort Bangs Her.
Right to Bare Arms.
Sexular Humanism.
(She) Sates Right.
The Invisible Handjob Market.

Edit: Second Titties on Government. Dick Source on the Orifice of Inequality.

leftwingfox
leftwingfox
4 years ago

Debbie does Dollar Store Discounts.

(I’m so sorry.)

Regarding “mainstream” porn, I read an interesting take a while back (I believe from Amanda Marcotte).

The mainstream market doesn’t cater to the broadest possible demographic, but the most voracious consumers. The guys most drawn to male power and dominance fantasies are buying the bulk of the porn, so that’s what gets catered to. The result is that casual porn buyers participating in the mainstream market see those traits amplified and normalized.

chesselwitt
chesselwitt
4 years ago

ScarlettAthena
(2) that women are too stupid to recognize the fantasy and are looking for the fabled large cocks – and it is implied that *this* is why Bob Smith and others like him are not getting laid.

Now I’m wondering how this goes. Do they get to the sexytimes portion of the evening, remove their clothes and the woman says, “Sorry, I only have sex with cocks 7 inches or larger. Goodnight!” Or do women have magic radar that lets us know how big every guy’s dick is so we don’t bother with the too small ones?

richardbillericay
richardbillericay
4 years ago

Am I the only one who saw the word “Bunyanesque” and wondered what the The Pilgrim’s Progress had to do with dick size (Paul Bunyan isn’t a thing where I come from)? I could only come up with the giant Despair…

Kit Fowley
Kit Fowley
4 years ago

Take my word for this, RoK readers, Mammotheers — a soft-hearted collection of people — are lying to you. I’m the one Mamotheer who respects you enough to tell you the truth.

I’ve had a lot of sex. Lots and lots.

Those guys in porn? They’re smaller than average. Significantly.

And the expression Size doesn’t matter? Oh please. It’s all that matters.

The one thing the RoK poster got right is that we women discuss penis size all the time. We’re obsessed with it. We’re all looking for a way to one-up other women. That’s just how we roll.

Trust me on this one, guys. Would I steer you wrong?

It’s true! Plus I hear womz can tell the size of a guy’s dick just by looking at them, maybe it’s your hand or shoe size, smell, dating profile, I dunno how, but they know down to the half-inch with a 2% margin of error!

Most HB8+ won’t even talk to a guy sub-10 inches. Fact.

JCfromNC
JCfromNC
4 years ago

Alternatively, a series aimed at a Marxist audience, showing workers seizing control of the means of reproduction.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@My Liege EJ, Resident of the Pride 🙂

You can’t ask people to filter! That’s tantamount to suggesting that all media everywhere isn’t produced entirely for their consumption

Or that they can’t check out the early bits of a video, story, photoset, etc, decide it’s not for them, and move on. Holy shit, that’s half the process, fellas! I can’t fathom these bozos having anything other than the most miserable hatewanks. Part of learning how to masturbate (and it is a skill!) is realizing both that (1) you’re in control of your feelings and (2) if you’re not enjoying it, what’s the point?

This is them explaining how they’re not even a little responsible for their own well being. They offer neither support nor solutions. It’s no different than their ‘field reports’. The sexy stuff deserves, at most, a throwaway mention, cos that’s not the part that’s fun for them. The whole point is to be brave warriors, fighting the dragons of their own insecurities, with those wily [slurs] as ‘targets’

Yes, society and an exploitative industry push certain things at you. Sorry about that, but you gotta stop blaming your unhappiness on #allwomen or whatever other fever dream boogeyman you’ve invented. And yes, menzers, I do mean that more generally than this discussion. Now go… something something legos and genitals… I can’t right now, ya know what I mean…

Why yes, I did just woke up from the lamest, shortest nap of my life. How could ya tell? 😛

@JC
Love that song!

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

@Axe:
Preach. It saddens me when I see men behave like that; they’re smart enough to understand that they’re unhappy, but too vain to understand that it’s not their fellow exploited people but the exploitative system itself that’s making them unhappy.

Also, you don’t need to call me “my liege.” I’m not a king or anything.

Unless…

…hang on. In the other thread, Sedentary Reactionary said that he wanted a king so that he would know what to do. He ignored or attacked everyone else, but when I asked him questions he answered pretty honestly. Looking back at it, it was odd that he was so immediately cooperative to me and not to anyone else.

Am I…

Am I the king of the neoreactionaries? I hope not. How does one test for these things? Can I buy a test at the chemist’s like you can for pregnancy?

JoeB
JoeB
4 years ago

Can’t believe I didn’t think of one of the Broad City webisodes immediately:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zLT9xJX6Rw

or the Blake Griffin appearance.

Handsome "Punkle Stan" Jack

Hrrm I have issues with saying mainstream porn is “obviously what most people want.”

Sorry, I should have made the fact I was being sarcastic more obvious. I mean, a ton of these guys complaining about big peens are probably the same people who say scantly clad women in video games is obviously what everyone wants or white cis male leads in movies is what obviously everyone wants. And by everyone they mean them speficially. Sorry I didn’t make it more apparent that’s what I meant.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@EJ

Am I…

Am I the king of the neoreactionaries? I hope not. How does one test for these things? Can I buy a test at the chemist’s like you can for pregnancy?

http://kwwl.images.worldnow.com/images/9807038_G.jpg
Wait a minute. The guy on the left seems awful familiar…
http://37.media.tumblr.com/688c18c80c17a9b01f4e2dfc7ec8aabe/tumblr_n6jt3vTiAg1sp9f4bo1_500.gif

PS: Do y’all ever run into linguistic trouble between a pharmaceutical chemist and a more general chemist? That always throws me in Brit TV shows and movies

JoeB
JoeB
4 years ago

Given I was confused about the question for a beat (trying to think what kind of language differences there would be between a chemist working in the pharmaceutical industry and others) before the Brit TV show mention, I guess a little.

BoinkBoinkBoinkBoinkBoinkBoink
BoinkBoinkBoinkBoinkBoinkBoink
4 years ago

See, they could have so easily made the accurate point that mainstream porn fosters ridiculous body and performance expectations for both men AND women, but like all things MRM they had to take a good point and squash it into a pulpy mass of hate juice.

ScarlettAthena
ScarlettAthena
4 years ago

@Chesselwitt

Or do women have magic radar that lets us know how big every guy’s dick is so we don’t bother with the too small ones?

Didn’t you get your Dick Radar(tm) from Katie on Etsy? She sells them really cheap.

In addition to indicating dick size, they let you know what level dick a guy is and point out guys named Dick.

Aunty Petunia
Aunty Petunia
4 years ago

Okay, obviously some guys just need a little help getting through life. I actually met such a guy once. Slept with him even. If it weren’t for his insecurities, he’d have been quite pleasant really. But anyway, I was forced to explain to him that once a man’s penis has reached my cervix there is really no call to go any further. In fact, I’d rather you didn’t. That puts an upper limit on the desirable length. As to lower limits, it’s a well-known fact that’s even true for a change, that women are not especially sensitive in the uppermost parts of their vaginas. Until you start knocking on their cervix like you’re trying to get back in, that is. So there is really no call in this world for very long penises. They are literally a waste of space in guys’ pants. Possibly amusing to look at, but that’s about it.

There, I hope that’s made you all feel better, boys.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@JoeB
Aight! I’m sure there’s wacky Murican word mixups as well 🙂

Also, just noticed. I have ‘porns huge dingles’ in my web history now. In a few days, when this thread dies out completely, I’ll hafta clear it. Supes annoying…

Orion
Orion
4 years ago

bright blue penis

“Quis Custodiet Ipsos Penes, eh?”

In any case, porn won’t be Bunyanesque for long, because in Hillary’s Mexican America, Paul Bunyan will lose his job to Pecos Bill.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko, Regicidal Beast-of-Burden
4 years ago

@Axe

Also, just noticed. I have ‘porns huge dingles’ in my web history now. In a few days, when this thread dies out completely, I’ll hafta clear it. Supes annoying…

Nothing beats the youtube algorithm for finding videos “that you might enjoy”. When a new friend of yours who doesn’t know your politics is looking for music on youtube while you’re grabbing drinks.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ Richard

Am I the only one who saw the word “Bunyanesque”

I initially saw that as “Runyan” and imagined porn where all the participants speak only in the present tense.

Moggie
Moggie
4 years ago

There’s a relevant xkcd, of course:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/penises.png

I googled for ‘xkcd move on’, because search history.

EJ:

Am I the king of the neoreactionaries?

No, I think you’re the troll whisperer. Is that a useful skill? Dunno.

chesselwitt
chesselwitt
4 years ago

@ScarlettAthena

In addition to indicating dick size, they let you know what level dick a guy is and point out guys named Dick.

I don’t know why, but this made me snort tea out of my nose.

Nequam
Nequam
4 years ago

Wow, no one’s made the joke about “Galt’s Gulch” being the nickname for Dagny Taggart’s ladyparts?