Today, a food metaphor that won’t make you hungry, courtesy of the Men Going Their Own Way subreddit:
Men Are Hamburger. Women Are Hamburger Helper.
Does hamburger need Hamburger Helper? Of course not. Hamburger can be made into a simple hamburger, or a hearty meatloaf. Bachelors and MGTOW are hamburgers and meatloaves.
Hamburger Helper, on the other hand, is nothing without hamburger. It will sit in the pantry, collecting dust and mites and attracting mice, while the clock ticks closer to the expiration date. Where’s the beef?
Cat ladies and single mothers are boxes of stale Hamburger Helper.
Now, Hamburger Helper is nice to have, if you like Hamburger Helper, and don’t mind all the salt. But hamburger doesn’tneed it. There’s a million other things we can do with hamburger.
Well, if nothing else I think this gives us a little insight into the MGTOW diet.
Wait–so according to these idiots, men are hamburger?
If men are hamburger, toxic dudebros must be cut rate expired Spam knockoff product, because it’s for sure that nobody wants to eat them.
I bet these wankers would be begging for mercy if anyone threatened to tell their mothers what they’re up to. Because they wouldn’t have a place to live if Mom kicked them out.
Just an extra note about Hamburger Helper – in addition to being a convenience food, it is also supposed to be a way to “stretch” a meat meal into more portions while still feeling full.
I don’t use it but I’ve had it before, it’s okay. Kind of salty. And as many have said in this thread, if you know some cooking basics it’s cheaper and easier to just throw pasta or rice and a sauce together with whatever you have on hand.
I agree with @WWTH, I don’t think many of these fellows ever learned cooking basics. Remember those hilariously awful chicken recipes they posted?
Re mincemeat, I’ve always heard that it’s called that because the earliest versions did, in fact, contain meat. I’ve tried Googling right now, and some sites confirm this, but they’re kind of pop culture/history sites, so don’t know how reliable their information is.
Hamburger Helper is such a weird choice for this metaphor, considering MGTOW think women don’t help at all. In their view, we’re more like Hamburger Hinderer.
A lot of people explicitly avoid red meat for ethical/sanitary/health reasons, so in that sense the analogy to MGTOW holds up. Hamburger Helper isn’t as problematic (unless you’re avoiding gluten).
Hamburger Helper shelf life: 1 year
Hamburger shelf life: 5-6 days in the refrigerator, 4-6 months in the freezer
You might want to reconsider that comparison, boys. It’s not very flattering to yourselves.
At least we’re attracting things.
@Alan
I think ground beef = minced meat
and stuff that goes in mince pies = mincemeat
@CrysT
Yeah, it has beef and beef suet in it, although there are veggie alternatives now.
@ crys t & jennywren
I seem to recall hearing that originally they contained actual meat. Wonder if it’s related to that phenomenon where banquets would have confectionery that looked like meat and vice versa.
@kupo
http://photosaws.sparkpeople.com/guid/d0b1acb5-94bf-457e-b6f5-a55f88c335eb.jpg
@Alan
Perhaps. TBH, my coat isn’t as lustrous as it used to be, and I’m overdue for another visit to the farrier 😛
Cold oatmeal, huh?
Is this going to turn into a weird food quirk thread?
I like to instead of grill a cheeseburger sandwich, microwave it. The cheese and bread get kind of welded together and it’s all soft and greasy and melty. Yum!
I also eat pizza crust first and muffins stump first.
I have somewhere a link to a wondetful article about the history of mince pies (yes, they did originally contain meat; also, they were very popular in the US, before apple pie took over as the national pie, apparently), but I’m going to sleep now so will look for it in the morning. Even if by then it’s totally offtopic.
Maybe we should help them out? Cooking (Kinda) Like an Adult For MTGOWs
I’d submit for consideration my (provisional) spice and seasoning triage for dorms/barracks/single living.
1: Hot Sauce (it has legitimate uses, but will also salvage a lot of terrible food, preferably have Tabasco and something not as vinegary)
2: Salt/Pepper (come on man!)
3. Crushed Red Pepper (even if you don’t cook, it’s great on pizza)
4. Chili Powder (if you can’t make it good, at least make it spicy)
5. Oregano (see: Crushed Red Pepper)
6. Garlic Salt (Good addition to Pasta or popcorn which are v easy food)
7. Cumin (Want to make Tacos, Burritos or Casadillas that taste at all right?)
8. Thyme (Ideal for fixing super bland store brand soup)
9. Cayenne (Can swap with Chili Powder for personal taste)
10. Lemon Juice (Goes in some recipes, goes in some drinks and good in water for getting yourself to hydrate better)
Mincemeat pies used to contain beef and suet, as has been said. They are actually quite good that way, too! I’ve had one before. It’s a similar taste, but it’s more… rich? The spices rather mask the beef taste, and the suet makes it smoother. I’m not really a fan of mincemeat pies, but if you are, you might like it!
As for hamburger helper, I’ve had it from time to time – I used to live with friends who loved making the stuff. Salty and sort of bland. A waste of time, I think – far better off to use your brainmeats and come up with something tastier. These days it’d be crushed roma tomatoes, garlic, black olives and olive oil with a bit of beef broth or chicken broth, all on spaghetti, ’cause you can’t go wrong with traditional.
As for the bilious harlequins suggesting that men are hearty nourishment while women are chemically-laden additives… son, that obviously ain’t true. We over here enriching our lives and the lives of others, you’re the ones full of salt and caustic. You tell me who’s most like the unhealthy processed side-dish between the two. Your bitchin’ ain’t beef, bro, it’s thin broth; salt and sour.
Joe, I used to cook with a lot of that sort of spice rack (Though I never really used hot sauce, felt like it just masked taste instead of improving it.).
These days, I try to get away with as little spice as I can, to let the ingredients themselves do the talking! Salt to bring out the flavour, and then mild additions – a little cayenne, cumin and tumeric for spicy, pepper for beef, that sort of thing. Mostly just leave it unseasoned, and be careful when cooking it.
Marginally related, I suggest that you try some fresh basil leaves! You can usually get the plants in a pot from a greengrocer, and there’s nothing nicer than picking a few leaves for whatever you’re cooking up, fresh from the plant. Mince it up and pop it in a spaghetti sauce, or put the leaves fresh on a cheese pizza. I make mozzarella garlic toast and add a slice of tomato and a leaf of basil, it’s fantastic. If you like oregano you’ll probably like fresh basil, and it makes the kitchen smell lovely. Give it a try!
@WWTH
http://67.media.tumblr.com/f887471c285378750418e359681e188a/tumblr_nwsy82zwwY1t8sp7po1_250.gif
Me toooooo!
Poptarts: start on the 1 with the least frosting Then nibble around the edges til it’s just frosting. Work downwards normally, maintaining as close to perfect symmetry as possible the whole way. Repeat
Cereal: if the milk rises above the cereal before I take the spoon to it, that’s too much milk
And don’t even get me started on the absolute flowchart that goes into eating a burger (indexed and crossreferenced by toppings)
JoeB, that’s a great list. I’d add dried onion flakes and something that keeps better in the pantry than the fridge (IF its never been refrigerated) – eggs. Use them to glaze food, stick herbs on things, turn leftovers into delicious pie. Eat semi raw in carbonara, use to glue burger together, chop up into salads.
Also a cool hack for depth in creamy dishes is ground nutmeg. Good for savory meals too.
I am honestly confused because I have never in my life heard of Hamburger Helper. Is it a blend of spices?
All this post tells me is that MGTOWs cannot cook or feed themselves properly to save their lives. Must be a by-product of expecting the wimmenz to clothe them, feed them and wipe their asses.
Fresh basil is…beyond delicious.
If this is going to be a weird food thing, then I’d be sharing forever, because I try to make up something new at least every other week. Sometimes more often. I don’t usually read recipes or follow them very closely even if I do, just to see what happens.
Recently I tried making pickle juice without the pickles (basically water, vinegar, salt, and dill) but it didn’t taste quite right. I’m not sure if the problem is lack of cukes or lack of sitting around in a jar for several days. But with further experimentation, I did find that half fake pickle juice and half tomato juice works better (for me) than either alone.
@ joeb
You were in the Navy. Shouldn’t you just live off hard tack and weevils?!
@Alan Robertshaw
Nowadays we get to dump hotsauce on our hard tack and weevils!
ETA: Though food on Subs is supposedly as good as it gets if you’re enlisted because they don’t make separate food for the officers.
Tip for keeping fresh basil: if it starts to get tall, trim the tops. You should see some joints where there are a couple of sets of tiny leaves on either side of some full leaves. Take the big leaves but leave the sets of tiny leaves and they’ll grow out into their own branches (usually). You’ll likely need to do this a few times before it stops trying to grow taller. Once the height is good, take the largest leaves and leave the rest. You’ll have more basil than you know what to do with (seriously, mine is way too productive now).
ETA: @Snowberry You’re probably missing pickling spices, garlic, and some heat (you heat up the liquid to blend the flavors).
Count me as another vote for turning this into a food quirk thread.
When I make hamburger patties, I always mince and sauté onion, celery and garlic before adding them to the meat. Plus leftover bread ends soaked in milk or water, salt, pepper, Worcestershire sauce and egg. Ground meat by itself isn’t very good. Even restaurants that don’t add onion and bread at least put some seasonings.
Hamburger helper is indeed salty, which is why I tend to add a whole bag of frozen peas and eat it with rice. You need something bland to go with it.
@Scildfreja @Steampunked
Growing up my mom had a basil plant or two to make pesto with. I like it in small does but gets overpowering.
I’m a huge fan of garam masala. Not only does it pep up all sorts of dishes it smells wonderful.
@BritterSweet
Not judging, but I find Worcestershire sauce horrific. I don’t even know what it’s for other than ruining what should be an awesome drink in a Bloody Mary.
yeah i’m p sure hamburger doesn’t sit on the internet all day violently shitting onto its keyboard about how evil/shallow/greedy/useless hamburger helper is