Ever since the execrable Roosh Valizadeh decided he’d rather be a patriarch than a pickup artist, he and the writers on his Return of Kings garbage site have been singing the praises of traditional religion.
Not so much for them, or for the male readers of his site, very few of whom seem to be religious, but for women and girls. In Roosh’s fantasy world, you see, traditional religion means more hot young virgins for him.
But how does the aspiring patriarch choose what religion to pretend to believe in order to score himself a virginal wife who will probably cook dinner for him and wash his fetid socks?
Enter regular Return of Kings contributor Max Roscoe with a new series promising to answer that important question. Roscoe, who previously wrote about his failed attempts to pick up chicks at what he decided was a too-liberal church retreat, has generously agreed to attend services of three relatively conservative faiths in order to scope out hot virgin chicks for the benefit of Return of Kings readers.
First up, the Mormons.
Roscoe starts off with some general impressions of Mormons:
Mormons are extremely family oriented. They are very clean, and often talk like Ned Flanders.
Then, after describing a rather uneventful visit to a local Mormon ward, Roscoe offers his assessment of the pros and cons of the religion. He praises Mormonism for being, among other things, a “very patriarchal” religion that is “nominally Christian [and] moderately accepted in [the] West,” then rattles off a slightly longer list of cons, including
- Dubious beliefs
- Prohibitions on alcohol, caffeine, and other intoxicants …
- Probably the most hostile to the ideas of “game”
He’s also not impressed with the Morman church’s renunciation of plural marriage, which causes him to “wonder if they will not cave to demands of the corrupt outside world at some point.”
While Roscoe himself isn’t too keen on becoming a Mormon, he sees some hope that the religion could help Return of Kings readers in their search for virgins.
Sure, you might get stuck playing a lot “of board games and bible trivia [and] hanging out with the extended church family.” And you’ll have to stop banging sluts. Oh, and you’ll probably have to actually become a Mormon yourself.
“But the payoff,” he happily concludes,
is an extremely submissive wife who knows that her eternal salvation depends on fulfilling her motherly and wifely duties so that one day you can have endless celestial sex among the gods. Expect a Mormon girl to barely know what a penis or vagina is, but to do anything that her Priesthood holder (you) tells her. … the only single women I saw were in middle or high school.
I would make a joke here but honestly I feel a bit ill.
…Have you noticed you’re slightly on fire?…
Maybe that’s why there is a whole pack of wolves chasing the individual, they just wanted to be helpful! #notallwolveswanttoeatpeople
/s/ is for Sarcasm. Just in case that wasn’t apparent. 😛
My favorite part of the Modern Man article is that, in his example dialogue, the woman says exactly one word (her own name), while the guy just rambles on. She’s loving it, though!
@ rhuu & msexception
I love the image of really helpful wolves trying to attact the attention of someone who’s on fire, but just a bit.
@Alan + Rhuu + msexception (this is getting outta hand)
Canadian grey wolves, surely…
..
*sees myself out*
I used to have a friend who had the nickname “Wolves”, because plural animal nicknames were a thing in that crowd. I can just imagine her running after someone to tell them that they had violated Rule Zero.
However, I suspect she would always have been too well mannered to rip someone’s headphones out, even if they were in danger of a Rule Zero violation.
“Go on Mr PUA, I dare you”
http://www.t-shirt-world.co.uk/images/10_3518%20White%20Wolf%20DJ%20T-Shirt.jpg
@ EJ
Don’t even think about Fight Club?
Rule Zero:
No matter what else you do, never be on fire.
I just read that article on Pharyngula. The thing that bothers me most about it, and PZ hints at this, is that he doesn’t seem to realize women are actually people.
Of course she is. Didn’t you know that men are super interesting wells of information? Women are just blank, empty sex dispensers waiting for a confident man to interrupt their day.
/sarcasm
ETA: I’m writing this sitting on my university campus wearing big, bright red headphones. If a guy tried this on me, I’d probably point to my headphones and say really loudly, “I can’t hear you” before going back to writing my thesis.
@ EJ
That’s a pretty good rule; I think I’ll adopt it for next time I go camping. It can replace “You are not as good at climbing trees as you think you are.”
@Axecalibur: As I am Canadian, they would surely be Canadian Grey wolves. The most helpful of all wolves!
Though those House Hippos… Those you have to watch out for.
@Alan: Is… Is that a real shirt?
@EJ (The Other One): I approve of this rule, and will try to follow it always.
@ej
There’s the basis for an ad here. Let’s see…
“Blank, empty sex dispenser [insert gender] waiting for a confident, super interesting well of information [insert gender] to interrupt [pronoun] day, and also maybe sex and/or cuddles.”
Now I just gotta fill in the blanks and figure out how Craigslist works !
Thanks for the awesome dating advice :p
Hey, since we’re on the topic of magical self-help from obviously very very wise men, I might as well start something myself, see what the money’s like. Here’s a first attempt :
VERY SERIOUS BRAIN SCIENTIST DUDE DISCOVERS ONE MIRACULOUS TRICK TO MAKE ANY PUA FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WOMEN ARE IN FACT PEOPLE TOO.
Spoiler alert : to paraphrase WWTH, if such a trick existed, we’d have found it already.
@ rhuu
Yup, for all your lupine t-shirt needs…
http://www.t-shirt-world.co.uk/white-wolf-shirt-p-2399.html
@femicats
If a comment section ends that means everyone has moved on to a new thread. We’re sorta internet buddies more than just crusaders for great social justice *insert heroic music*, so things addressed before might come up again. That said, whole conversations usually don’t shift threads. Hope that answers that…
It’s pretty chill around here. If we need to go off topic for some reason, we usually just put ‘OT’ at the top of the comment and go for it. There’s kind of an unspoken convention of waiting a half page or full page of posts before going ‘OT’, but it’s whatever
Whatever’s most comfortable for you. Some of us have throwaway email accounts too. Just know that you’ll need to use that same account for all your comments. Using a new email, means the blog treats you as a new commenter and puts you into automatic moderation. David’ll pluck you out of the abyss eventually, but you can avoid that by using the same email everytime. Up to you
Welcome package on the right side of the page and make sure to familiarize yourself with the comments policy. Other than that, I’m Axe, and welcome aboard 🙂
@Rhuu
Wait…house hippos? Do they sneak in and take up residence in the bathtubs or what?
“Don’t use that bathroom.”
“Why?” *hand on doorknob*
“We have a hippo infestation in there. Aunt Sue didn’t believe us and they *ate* her!”
“Oh…well, is the upstairs one ok?”
“Maybe, use this pool cue to open the door from a distance and check.”
….
My neighborhood raccoons have been hanging out watching me at night, when they’re peering in the skylight it’s kind of unsettling. I mean, once in a while a sole raccoon looking in or out in the bushes next to my patio would be one thing, but 3 or 4?? I’m not that interesting! 😛
@ msexception
Ooh, I’m soooo envious. I really wish we had raccoons in the wild here. You can’t even import them now. As you’re clearly some sort of raccoon deity though, maybe you could sit outside my house for a bit; see if any of them make a pilgrimage?
@ msexception House Hippos are one way to find all the Canadians in the room, haha. Have the clip! It’s always amazing.
(I wonder if this will embed?)
Nope! It’s a cool thing though.
Before joining any other religion, they should leave the one their in: Roosh’s cargo cult where no matter how assiduously they follow the rituals of faux alphadom – maintaining frame, light dread, peacocking, AMOGing, etc – the promised virginal, broad minded, gym loving, non athletic, young, looking for an over the hill sleazbag, conservative, looking for an unemployed sleazbag, submissive to and appreciative of unambitious phonies, HB10 never comes along
@ rhuu
I’ll see your house hippo and raise you a (remarkably cooperative) hippo getting his teeth cleaned.
https://youtu.be/NpDbPngukU8
@Alan
I could do that. Or you could just come *here* so I don’t have to worry about raccoons and customs agents creating a ruckus. It’s possible they’re inclined to hang out around me because I don’t yell or make sudden movements in their direction. Maybe. I don’t know what to make of the group skylight-peeping and meet-up-in-the-shrubbery-group behavior though. I don’t feed them nor do I intend to (expert research says it would be a bad thing to start feeding wild animals like raccoons, so I shall not.) – I keep the dog inside when I go out on the patio at night for her protection since I’m not eager to test the efficacy on her rabies boosters…I hope that their group meetings aren’t some yet unverified sign that they’re rabid and plotting to attack….
Also, raccoons don’t seem like they’re ideal to have inside one’s home. Unless you don’t mind them creating holes in the wall and tearing things up after dunking expensive electronics in the nearest source of water. (Judging from everything on YouTube that is…)
@Rhuu
Well that was nothing like I expected. But now I think I want a couple house hippos, my dog might not be thrilled by that though.
As a matter of fact, there’s a song for just this occasion:
@ msexception
That’s pretty much me anyway; it’ll be nice to have an accomplice.
@Alan
You just want someone to blame! *suspicious eyeing going on over here now, aimed in your general direction!*
I’ve been much better about not dropping my phone into any amount of liquid, and the number of times I’ve dropped my phone has been dramatically decreased! The keyless entry part of my car key has had to be superglued back together a couple of times now though. Stupid plastic housing doesn’t stand up to any rough treatment. *glares at keys*
@LG.
I just wanted to add one more thing to everyone else’s advice, I hope you don’t mind/it’s useful. If you are financially able, you may want to seek out a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) [in the US, I’m not sure what the equivalent is elsewhere] to help you and your husband work through this together. I’ve found personal therapy very helpful in my own life – it kind of allows you to get an outside perspective of what is going on and find a new, better way of addressing it.
I’m glad there has been so much support for you here, I hope everything works out and he is able to change.
I also hope this comment makes it through moderation in the somewhat near future.