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Dudes! Consider converting to Mormonism to score yourself a hot, clean virgin wife, Return of Kings urges

Is Roosh trying to convert his readers to Mormonism?
Is Roosh trying to convert his readers to Mormonism?

Ever since the execrable Roosh Valizadeh decided he’d rather be a patriarch than a pickup artist, he and the writers on his Return of Kings garbage site have been singing the praises of traditional religion.

Not so much for them, or for the male readers of his site, very few of whom seem to be religious, but for women and girls. In Roosh’s fantasy world, you see, traditional religion means more hot young virgins for him.

But how does the aspiring patriarch choose what religion to pretend to believe in order to score himself a virginal wife who will probably cook dinner for him and wash his fetid socks?

Enter regular Return of Kings contributor Max Roscoe with a new series promising to answer that important question. Roscoe, who previously wrote about his failed attempts to pick up chicks at what he decided was a too-liberal church retreat, has generously agreed to attend services of three relatively conservative faiths in order to scope out hot virgin chicks for the benefit of Return of Kings readers.

First up, the Mormons.

Roscoe starts off with some general impressions of Mormons:

Mormons are extremely family oriented. They are very clean, and often talk like Ned Flanders.

Then, after describing a rather uneventful visit to a local Mormon ward, Roscoe offers his assessment of the pros and cons of the religion. He praises Mormonism for being, among other things, a “very patriarchal” religion that is “nominally Christian [and] moderately accepted in [the] West,” then rattles off a slightly longer list of cons, including

  • Dubious beliefs
  • Prohibitions on alcohol, caffeine, and other intoxicants …
  • Probably the most hostile to the ideas of “game”

He’s also not impressed with the Morman church’s renunciation of plural marriage, which causes him to “wonder if they will not cave to demands of the corrupt outside world at some point.”

While Roscoe himself isn’t too keen on becoming a Mormon, he sees some hope that the religion could help Return of Kings readers in their search for virgins.

Sure, you might get stuck playing a lot “of board games and bible trivia [and] hanging out with the extended church family.” And you’ll have to stop banging sluts. Oh, and you’ll probably have to actually become a Mormon yourself.

“But the payoff,” he happily concludes,

is an extremely submissive wife who knows that her eternal salvation depends on fulfilling her motherly and wifely duties so that one day you can have endless celestial sex among the gods. Expect a Mormon girl to barely know what a penis or vagina is, but to do anything that her Priesthood holder (you) tells her. … the only single women I saw were in middle or high school.

I would make a joke here but honestly I feel a bit ill.

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msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
4 years ago

…Have you noticed you’re slightly on fire?…

Maybe that’s why there is a whole pack of wolves chasing the individual, they just wanted to be helpful! #notallwolveswanttoeatpeople

/s/ is for Sarcasm. Just in case that wasn’t apparent. 😛

Imaginary Petal
Imaginary Petal
4 years ago

My favorite part of the Modern Man article is that, in his example dialogue, the woman says exactly one word (her own name), while the guy just rambles on. She’s loving it, though!

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ rhuu & msexception

I love the image of really helpful wolves trying to attact the attention of someone who’s on fire, but just a bit.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@Alan + Rhuu + msexception (this is getting outta hand)

really helpful wolves

Canadian grey wolves, surely…

..

*sees myself out*

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

I used to have a friend who had the nickname “Wolves”, because plural animal nicknames were a thing in that crowd. I can just imagine her running after someone to tell them that they had violated Rule Zero.

However, I suspect she would always have been too well mannered to rip someone’s headphones out, even if they were in danger of a Rule Zero violation.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago
Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ EJ

Rule Zero.

Don’t even think about Fight Club?

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

Rule Zero:
No matter what else you do, never be on fire.

kupo
kupo
4 years ago

I just read that article on Pharyngula. The thing that bothers me most about it, and PZ hints at this, is that he doesn’t seem to realize women are actually people.

ej
ej
4 years ago

My favorite part of the Modern Man article is that, in his example dialogue, the woman says exactly one word (her own name), while the guy just rambles on. She’s loving it, though!

Of course she is. Didn’t you know that men are super interesting wells of information? Women are just blank, empty sex dispensers waiting for a confident man to interrupt their day.

/sarcasm

ETA: I’m writing this sitting on my university campus wearing big, bright red headphones. If a guy tried this on me, I’d probably point to my headphones and say really loudly, “I can’t hear you” before going back to writing my thesis.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ EJ

That’s a pretty good rule; I think I’ll adopt it for next time I go camping. It can replace “You are not as good at climbing trees as you think you are.”

Rhuu
Rhuu
4 years ago

@Axecalibur: As I am Canadian, they would surely be Canadian Grey wolves. The most helpful of all wolves!

Though those House Hippos… Those you have to watch out for.

@Alan: Is… Is that a real shirt?

@EJ (The Other One): I approve of this rule, and will try to follow it always.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
4 years ago

@ej

Didn’t you know that men are super interesting wells of information? Women are just blank, empty sex dispensers waiting for a confident man to interrupt their day.

There’s the basis for an ad here. Let’s see…

“Blank, empty sex dispenser [insert gender] waiting for a confident, super interesting well of information [insert gender] to interrupt [pronoun] day, and also maybe sex and/or cuddles.”

Now I just gotta fill in the blanks and figure out how Craigslist works !
Thanks for the awesome dating advice :p

Hey, since we’re on the topic of magical self-help from obviously very very wise men, I might as well start something myself, see what the money’s like. Here’s a first attempt :

VERY SERIOUS BRAIN SCIENTIST DUDE DISCOVERS ONE MIRACULOUS TRICK TO MAKE ANY PUA FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT WOMEN ARE IN FACT PEOPLE TOO.

Spoiler alert : to paraphrase WWTH, if such a trick existed, we’d have found it already.

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ rhuu

Yup, for all your lupine t-shirt needs…

http://www.t-shirt-world.co.uk/white-wolf-shirt-p-2399.html

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
4 years ago

@femicats

I don’t really know how the comment system works here…

If a comment section ends that means everyone has moved on to a new thread. We’re sorta internet buddies more than just crusaders for great social justice *insert heroic music*, so things addressed before might come up again. That said, whole conversations usually don’t shift threads. Hope that answers that…

So should we discuss it here in this comment-section or are there special ones that are more for free discussion?

It’s pretty chill around here. If we need to go off topic for some reason, we usually just put ‘OT’ at the top of the comment and go for it. There’s kind of an unspoken convention of waiting a half page or full page of posts before going ‘OT’, but it’s whatever

I don’t wanna post an email here

Whatever’s most comfortable for you. Some of us have throwaway email accounts too. Just know that you’ll need to use that same account for all your comments. Using a new email, means the blog treats you as a new commenter and puts you into automatic moderation. David’ll pluck you out of the abyss eventually, but you can avoid that by using the same email everytime. Up to you

Welcome package on the right side of the page and make sure to familiarize yourself with the comments policy. Other than that, I’m Axe, and welcome aboard 🙂

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
4 years ago

@Rhuu

Wait…house hippos? Do they sneak in and take up residence in the bathtubs or what?

“Don’t use that bathroom.”

“Why?” *hand on doorknob*

“We have a hippo infestation in there. Aunt Sue didn’t believe us and they *ate* her!”

“Oh…well, is the upstairs one ok?”

“Maybe, use this pool cue to open the door from a distance and check.”

….

My neighborhood raccoons have been hanging out watching me at night, when they’re peering in the skylight it’s kind of unsettling. I mean, once in a while a sole raccoon looking in or out in the bushes next to my patio would be one thing, but 3 or 4?? I’m not that interesting! 😛

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ msexception

once in a while a sole raccoon looking in or out in the bushes next to my patio would be one thing, but 3 or 4?? I’m not that interesting! 😛

Ooh, I’m soooo envious. I really wish we had raccoons in the wild here. You can’t even import them now. As you’re clearly some sort of raccoon deity though, maybe you could sit outside my house for a bit; see if any of them make a pilgrimage?

Rhuu
Rhuu
4 years ago

@ msexception House Hippos are one way to find all the Canadians in the room, haha. Have the clip! It’s always amazing.

(I wonder if this will embed?)

Nope! It’s a cool thing though.

richardbillericay
richardbillericay
4 years ago

Before joining any other religion, they should leave the one their in: Roosh’s cargo cult where no matter how assiduously they follow the rituals of faux alphadom – maintaining frame, light dread, peacocking, AMOGing, etc – the promised virginal, broad minded, gym loving, non athletic, young, looking for an over the hill sleazbag, conservative, looking for an unemployed sleazbag, submissive to and appreciative of unambitious phonies, HB10 never comes along

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ rhuu

I’ll see your house hippo and raise you a (remarkably cooperative) hippo getting his teeth cleaned.

https://youtu.be/NpDbPngukU8

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
4 years ago

@Alan

I could do that. Or you could just come *here* so I don’t have to worry about raccoons and customs agents creating a ruckus. It’s possible they’re inclined to hang out around me because I don’t yell or make sudden movements in their direction. Maybe. I don’t know what to make of the group skylight-peeping and meet-up-in-the-shrubbery-group behavior though. I don’t feed them nor do I intend to (expert research says it would be a bad thing to start feeding wild animals like raccoons, so I shall not.) – I keep the dog inside when I go out on the patio at night for her protection since I’m not eager to test the efficacy on her rabies boosters…I hope that their group meetings aren’t some yet unverified sign that they’re rabid and plotting to attack….

Also, raccoons don’t seem like they’re ideal to have inside one’s home. Unless you don’t mind them creating holes in the wall and tearing things up after dunking expensive electronics in the nearest source of water. (Judging from everything on YouTube that is…)

@Rhuu

Well that was nothing like I expected. But now I think I want a couple house hippos, my dog might not be thrilled by that though.

Kootiepatra
4 years ago

Have you noticed you’re slightly on fire?

As a matter of fact, there’s a song for just this occasion:

Alan Robertshaw
Alan Robertshaw
4 years ago

@ msexception

Unless you don’t mind them creating holes in the wall and tearing things up after dunking expensive electronics in the nearest source of water.

That’s pretty much me anyway; it’ll be nice to have an accomplice.

msexceptiontotherule
msexceptiontotherule
4 years ago

@Alan

You just want someone to blame! *suspicious eyeing going on over here now, aimed in your general direction!*

I’ve been much better about not dropping my phone into any amount of liquid, and the number of times I’ve dropped my phone has been dramatically decreased! The keyless entry part of my car key has had to be superglued back together a couple of times now though. Stupid plastic housing doesn’t stand up to any rough treatment. *glares at keys*

feminist.narwhal
feminist.narwhal
4 years ago

@LG.

I just wanted to add one more thing to everyone else’s advice, I hope you don’t mind/it’s useful. If you are financially able, you may want to seek out a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) [in the US, I’m not sure what the equivalent is elsewhere] to help you and your husband work through this together. I’ve found personal therapy very helpful in my own life – it kind of allows you to get an outside perspective of what is going on and find a new, better way of addressing it.

I’m glad there has been so much support for you here, I hope everything works out and he is able to change.

I also hope this comment makes it through moderation in the somewhat near future.

LG
LG
4 years ago

Thank you, feminist.narwhal. I’ll consider that when and if the time comes, but right now, we’re going to stick to counselors specializing in DV.

Thank you, THANK YOU again, everybody, for your help.

Boo
Boo
4 years ago

@LG,

One more thing. This is a function of different socialization between men and women in western culture.

In relationships I’ve seen at the brink, where you are, women cling until past their endurance, but men think there’s a post-leaving hail mary kind of play.*

This leads a certain sort of man to change for the better after she leaves, hoping to get her back. In a small subset of relationships, this might make things work out if she leaves earlier rather than later to prove her seriousness. He’s still a jerk for not listening, but his ability to be better in his next relationship shows a (limited) capacity for learning.

You may be too tolerant still, but leaving is a win for you either way. Maybe he sees the error of his ways, and you can renegotiate, or maybe you get away.

Your life still improves.

* my parents plus

occasional reader
occasional reader
4 years ago

Hello.

If there was a magical trick for getting women to all be attracted to men, it would be widely known and used by men already.

No magic ? But how can they make joke like “Hey, baby, wanna see my magic wand ? Arh arh !” or “Hey, baby, let’s do magic ! I f*** you, and you disappear just after ! Arh arh !” (Yes, the arh arh is to the creeper what the ah ah ah is to the mad scientist or the wannabe evil world ruler, it comes in a bunch) if there are no magic tricks ?

There are places, in reality and on the web, for the ones looking for soulmates, why bother the others and yourself to do it in other places ? They seem a bit too self-centered. I do not say that “love at first sight” can not happen at any place, but i fear they tend to mistake love for love (in the meaning of “Oh, my boner” for “Oh, my heart”). And with this kind of sites and advisors, who urge them to indulge in this kind of creepy behavior because “it is natural”/”all men are like that”/”that is your right” (which is as natural as me killing someone because, ah ! i have a gun, so why not ? – or also the boner of Berlusconi, but this is nasty from me, sorry) , and society which does not really care, well, why they should not do it, right ?

Dreaming is good, forcing reality is not.

Have a nice day.

EJ (The Other One)
4 years ago

You make me happy, occasional reader.

Come to think of it, we have some awesome French people on this site.

LG
LG
4 years ago

Thank you, Boo.

Two days in, Mr. LG is behaving himself well and respecting my boundaries. He is not having a fun time, but he is not making his un-fun time my problem. He is centering and supporting me. He is listening and I am feeling safe enough when I am with him to speak freely to him. I feel a little unsafe at night; he offered this morning to sleep on the couch while I sleep in the bedroom with the door locked. He reminds himself to talk about our future together in terms of “if,” and he is not pushing me to make a decision or any promises. He is reading Lundry Bancroft and making notes when he sees something he thinks pertains to him; sixty pages into the book, he has a page and a half of notes. He’s talking to me about them, making sure to do so when he thinks it won’t interfere with what I’m currently processing.

He has shown what looks to me like genuine remorse. It makes my insides feel less squirmy and scared.

He’s referring to himself as “an abuser” and examining his relationships with other women, past and present. He wrote in his notes that his ex girlfriend “was right” and clarified to me this meant she was right to call him out on some manipulative intentions he had explosively denied at the time.

In other words, he’s basically hitting it out of the park, BUT it has only been two days, and I’m hopeful but staying vigilant.

Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko
4 years ago

@LG

Somehow I managed to miss all of that…
Well, this conversation has been going for a while and I don’t believe I’d have anything to add that hasn’t been said before, save for the personal input. All the hugs and support and also even cat pics if you want ! I think it says a lot about this blog that you delurked to ask for advice and support, and it says a lot about you that you did. It takes a lot of courage to do what you’re doing, in being open and coming forward with the problem here and with him, and also in giving him a chance given the situation. I’d say to go on with this while being extra cautious, but it’s been said before. If he genuinely shows signs of change, it also says a lot about him, because not very many men would (Hey, MRAs ! This is the internalized beta misandry speaking ! Also, fuck you.) but if you have the slightest doubt, get the hell out of there as fast as you can. You still haven’t “tested” him, so to speak. It’s normal in a relationship to slip up, make a mistake, and upset the significant other, but the question is how will he react to it ? You can’t be expected to be a perfect person all the time, but on the other hand it’s his responsibility to react in a mature way, not with more abuse. That’s what I think you really have to watch out for : his reactions under “stress”. If he doesn’t suddenly lash out then, then I guess you’re good. I guess.

Boo said something interesting about certain abusers being able to change. I don’t know about abusers, but I know that people with more general shitty behavior can indeed change, but they have to be sincere in that effort. I believe forgiveness is the most important thing in the world, but only when it’s deserved. And to deserve it, you have to make the effort. Otherwise, don’t think twice about getting the hell out of there.

@occasional reader & EJ

Wait, who are they ? I know about OR and Ohlmann, whom I haven’t heard of since the “language/drugs” incident 🙁 , aaaand maybe one other person but I’m not sure who and I don’t think they’re active at the moment.

(oh yeah and also, um, me I guess)

Em
Em
4 years ago

Somehow I can’t see these patriarchal Mormon dad types letting these guys get within ten feet of their daughters. You know, they would actually have to work at it, become hardworking, study religion, stop being obsessed with sex (at least ostensibly), have a ton of kids and support ALL of them (look at the way MRAs complain about child support), wear the magic underwear, all that fun stuff.