Cut a little slack for the dude who calls himself Tuthmosis Sonofra, one of the more repellant of the stable of “writers” who regularly contributes to the internet garbage fire that is Return of Kings. Why? Well, metaphors are hard. Especially when you try to draw them out to the length of a blog post.
Tuthy, perhaps best known for his hatred of short-haired women, does his damndest to live up to the title of his post on RoK today –“American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women” — but, alas, his limited metaphoring skills aren’t quite up to the task. And so what we end up with is a muddle of a post that reveals a lot more about him than it does about women, or bad pizza, women who are metaphorically bad pizza.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with hating Papa John’s pizza, and Tuthy provides solid reasons for his dislike for the offerings of this particular pizza chain, including “Papa’s thin, watery sauce and undercooked toppings.”
Trouble is, women are not much like pizza, good or bad. They don’t have tomato sauce, or toppings that “slide off of it the moment you don’t keep it at a perfect horizontal angle,” or indeed any of the other pizza-like qualities that Tuthy tries to bestow on them.
Tuthy starts off by complaining that “American girls,” like Papa John’s pizza, are “greasy,” by which he apparently means “fat,” which is a bit odd, because Papa John’s is best known as a purveyor of thin-crust pizza, not the deliciously plump stuffed pizza we here in Chicago so regularly enjoy. Then he tosses in yet another failed metaphor, declaring that “people all over the world” know that American women are fat, “making them a national embarrassment of Starbucks-milkshake proportions.”
Leaving behind this burnt-out husk of metaphorical wreckage, Tuthy moves on to his next point: Women are unhealthy for dudes.
It’s one thing to be fat, but American girls are also mental wrecks. Medicated to oblivion, and—even the best of them—harboring bizarre attitudes towards sex and relationships, American women are nutritionally bankrupt. You don’t eat Papa John’s for the vitamins, and you don’t feel great after having finished one.
I’m guessing most American women would feel equally queasy, if not worse, after an encounter with Tuthy. Especially after reading Tuthy’s next attempt at metaphor, which reads a bit like the diary of a serial-killing cannibal:
Papa John’s may be convenient, but it comes at a roughly body temperature and makes a mess if you so much as try to lift up one of those soggy slices. That’s your American woman in a nutshell.
PRO TIP: If you’re cutting women into slices, you’re doing it wrong.
The serial-killer vibe continues in Tuthy’s next section, devoted to the notion that women, like empty pizza boxes, are “discarded.’
Crushed between two garbage bags in the tank, American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate in desperation last night. You may have gotten the box out of your house, but the effects remain: you’re that much more undernourished, unsatisfied, and depressed as a result.
Yet Tuthy, who apparently just returned to the US from some sordid sex vacation abroad, plans to keep ordering the metaphorical Papa John’s pizzas that are American women.
“Abroad,” Tuthy reports, “I’d see guys proudly holding hands with a pretty girl and both of them showing heart-felt affection.” But within ten minutes of getting off the plane here in the US, he tells us, he spotted
the American equivalent: a miserable-looking dude with a dumpy girl—who was edible, if she was delivered to your house—in a contorted death grip that looked like someone had put a gun to their backs. As my bags came off the carousel, I knew one thing: I was back to eating Papa John’s.
I assume he means the baggage carousel, because the thought of his luggage riding the cock carousel is enough to put me off dinner.
OT:
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/aug/24/nigel-farage-donald-trump-mississippi-rally-appearance
On behalf of British people, I apologise for this numpty’s presence on your shores. I doubt he’ll have much effect (if a Downtonesque accent makes that much difference, I myself am available for speaking engagements – for a fee), but I could do without the spreading of the man’s ever-increasing ego.
He does not represent us. Any more than Trump represents Americans.
BTW I hope numpty isn’t a contravention of the comments policy, apologies if so, but judging by the Urban Dictionary:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Numpty
@ weatherwax
Ironically, now that Farage is out of the country I suddenly agree with him about closing our borders.
“BUT THE ALT RIGHT ISN’T RACIST BECAUSE THEIR MOST PROMINENT MEMBER IS GAY!”
(actually said by a Trump campaign spokesperson)
Bearing in mind our community standards against ableist language, this was pretty disgusting from Owen Smith.
http://www.cityam.com/248130/owen-smith-apologises-lunatic-comments-referring-myself
Fat, ugly Papa John’s delivery chick: ‘Hi there, you ordered a pizza. Nasty and greasy as humanly possible’
Turmeric Sodapop: ‘That looks absolutely terrible, and I hate you for making me order it. But I can’t seem to find my wallet’
Chick: ‘Is that so? I’m sure we can figure something out. At least until you leave the country and get a nice, world renowned, Bulgarian… pie’
*Low tier funk music and unwieldy camera angles*
This anyone else’s experience with pizza chains, or is it just him… and every other blonde woman in Glendale?
@Alan
‘All these Brits, comin ov’r ‘ere, enablin our fascist candidates… I’m not ‘avin it’
“Vagenda of Manocide” would make quite a band name, don’t you think?
https://twitter.com/geekgirldiva/status/768563981057351680
And someone has already put the domain name to good use…
@axe
Trump and Farage are not fascists. Trump is a Bonapartist demagogue, and Farage is a reactionary racist agent provocateur.
@Mary
Tomayto
I think we were here around the same time, TBH. I think maybe last July or August was when I started commenting.
@varalys
The Polish shops round here have lots of nice fruit juice, Tymbark and that smoothy stuff made with carrots, Kubuss.
@Sinkable John : Pansy Ass Pinko: please give us a heads up if you’re linking directly to the Daily Stormer, or a site like that. I’m on public transit right now and had to QUICKLY close that tab.
Does anyone know what happened to donotlink? I couldn’t open it this morning.
@Sinkable John: I had never actually stepped foot in the fever swamps, I just laughed at them 2nd hand. Then I followed your links.
The ROK story’s legal advice is actually good in an abstract legal rights sense (exactly what I’ve been taught in environmental action camp workshops) except in this context it’s like listening to a mafia lawyer advising a hitman.
The Daily Stormer post was actually calling for ethnic cleansing in the US and wiping out the Jews. On the side column about comment policy it warned about calls for violence from commenters and how the D.S. wouldn’t put up with it. So how do you manage ethnic cleansing without violence?
I might have to buy a sixpack of brain bleach.
@Rhuu
Sorry about that. Sort of assumed that mentioning Anglin would be enough for people to know, but obviously there’s a few huge flaws in my reasoning. Anglin’s name isn’t a warning in and of itself and mentioning the Washington Post in the same sentence wasn’t exactly smart either.
@sillybill
Because freeze peach. They had trouble some time ago because of explicit comments, so they put up that disclaimer and those comment rules to avoid further legal trouble – but calling for ethnic cleansing as a policy somehow gets a pass because… policy, I guess. Anglin doesn’t say “let’s go out and kill [insert minority here]”, he says “let’s make a world in which not only this is legal, but actual state policy”.
And somehow, they’re legally allowed to do that.
I just learned that there was a very bad earthquake in Italy last night/early morning. Several villages were pretty much entirely to reduced to rubble. So far the villages that I know of that were destroyed were Saletta, Amatrice, Accumoli and Pescara del Tront, likely more.
There’s also been a lot A LOT of flooding in Louisiana. It’s been several days since it’s started, but many people still need help.
Here’s a link to the Italian Red Cross and the American Red Cross if you’re able to donate. I believe both take international donations but there’s likely other organizations in your area(s) that are helping to. Do your research on where to donate.
Also remember, while money donated to a specific cause will help immensely, think about donating general money. Money donated to a specific thing can only be used for the specific thing while general donations can be used for everything.
@SJ -follow up to my last: Not only did I walk to the convenience store and get the sixpack of brain bleach but I really honest to dog just called up Papa John’s and ordered a large pizza.
and now i’m wondering what’s the proper grease to go with American women. i should txt my wife and ask where i left the maintenance manual.
@Victorious Parasol: Hope it’s not too late to wish you well.
One of the major reasons I have fucked up attitudes and hangups regarding sex is because I have encountered way too many so called “men” harboring attitudes like this douche canoe. I will say, though, that I have not previously been compared to pizza.
I was wishing I had enough money to order pizza, so I now hate the author of this miserable metaphor even more.
Whose election? The Saudis haven’t had one SINCE 2015, I don’t think. The US one probably doesn’t need random dumps of information about Saudis’ personal lives.
WikiLeaks is vile. Throwing up the contents of any filing cabinet you can steal isn’t whistleblowing.
As for Mr. Whatsisbucket at ROK, I was going to say that abroad could keep him, but unless he vacations in the land of the Puppy-Kicking Nazi Sympathizers, the ladies there probably deserve better than that.
Almost as concerning as this dude’s attitude towards women is his attitude towards food. I mean, sure, we’ve all had an evening now and again where we go a little overboard with junk food and think, “ugh… I’ve got to cut down on this crap.” But this guy absolutely seems thrown into utter existential turmoil and insufferably lugubrious wailing by the fact that he once ate some pizza that was just okay.
I mean either he eats mountains of borderline poisonous pizza and then sits around loathing himself all day, or this man is seriously lacking in perspective.
sillybill:
Massage butter. Works with all ethnicities and national origins, not just Americans.
@VioletBeauregarde
Never too late. I’m still on medical leave, after all.
@numerobis,
thanx, sounds great for relationship maintenance.
@ varalys
You seen this?
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-37177877
That’s pretty cool, it means the copyright ambiguity about Misty (and Jinty) has been sorted out. So maybe Pat Mills can finally get his anthologies published. He was saying he wouldn’t mind someone to edit (although he’s willing to do that himself if necessary). Maybe you should drop him a line?
Oh that’s brilliant news, thanks for bringing that to my attention! I don’t think I would make a very good editor, though I will definitely put my money where my mouth is and preorder when they are put up on Amazon.
Also it’ll be fantastic if I can finally have Oink! in all it’s glory collected. My own copies are showing definite signs of wear and tear and rarely come out of the bags now. I’ve got the 1988 yearbook in one of my comicbook bookcases and like to show people one of the first writing credits for a certain Mr. Charlie Brooker.
@ varalys
You ever read TV Go Home? It was the Nathan Barley series that confirmed my desire to move out of Hoxton.
(PS Emailed you if you can get AOL working :-))