Cut a little slack for the dude who calls himself Tuthmosis Sonofra, one of the more repellant of the stable of “writers” who regularly contributes to the internet garbage fire that is Return of Kings. Why? Well, metaphors are hard. Especially when you try to draw them out to the length of a blog post.
Tuthy, perhaps best known for his hatred of short-haired women, does his damndest to live up to the title of his post on RoK today –“American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women” — but, alas, his limited metaphoring skills aren’t quite up to the task. And so what we end up with is a muddle of a post that reveals a lot more about him than it does about women, or bad pizza, women who are metaphorically bad pizza.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with hating Papa John’s pizza, and Tuthy provides solid reasons for his dislike for the offerings of this particular pizza chain, including “Papa’s thin, watery sauce and undercooked toppings.”
Trouble is, women are not much like pizza, good or bad. They don’t have tomato sauce, or toppings that “slide off of it the moment you don’t keep it at a perfect horizontal angle,” or indeed any of the other pizza-like qualities that Tuthy tries to bestow on them.
Tuthy starts off by complaining that “American girls,” like Papa John’s pizza, are “greasy,” by which he apparently means “fat,” which is a bit odd, because Papa John’s is best known as a purveyor of thin-crust pizza, not the deliciously plump stuffed pizza we here in Chicago so regularly enjoy. Then he tosses in yet another failed metaphor, declaring that “people all over the world” know that American women are fat, “making them a national embarrassment of Starbucks-milkshake proportions.”
Leaving behind this burnt-out husk of metaphorical wreckage, Tuthy moves on to his next point: Women are unhealthy for dudes.
It’s one thing to be fat, but American girls are also mental wrecks. Medicated to oblivion, and—even the best of them—harboring bizarre attitudes towards sex and relationships, American women are nutritionally bankrupt. You don’t eat Papa John’s for the vitamins, and you don’t feel great after having finished one.
I’m guessing most American women would feel equally queasy, if not worse, after an encounter with Tuthy. Especially after reading Tuthy’s next attempt at metaphor, which reads a bit like the diary of a serial-killing cannibal:
Papa John’s may be convenient, but it comes at a roughly body temperature and makes a mess if you so much as try to lift up one of those soggy slices. That’s your American woman in a nutshell.
PRO TIP: If you’re cutting women into slices, you’re doing it wrong.
The serial-killer vibe continues in Tuthy’s next section, devoted to the notion that women, like empty pizza boxes, are “discarded.’
Crushed between two garbage bags in the tank, American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate in desperation last night. You may have gotten the box out of your house, but the effects remain: you’re that much more undernourished, unsatisfied, and depressed as a result.
Yet Tuthy, who apparently just returned to the US from some sordid sex vacation abroad, plans to keep ordering the metaphorical Papa John’s pizzas that are American women.
“Abroad,” Tuthy reports, “I’d see guys proudly holding hands with a pretty girl and both of them showing heart-felt affection.” But within ten minutes of getting off the plane here in the US, he tells us, he spotted
the American equivalent: a miserable-looking dude with a dumpy girl—who was edible, if she was delivered to your house—in a contorted death grip that looked like someone had put a gun to their backs. As my bags came off the carousel, I knew one thing: I was back to eating Papa John’s.
I assume he means the baggage carousel, because the thought of his luggage riding the cock carousel is enough to put me off dinner.
@Axecalibur: That’s an amazing bow gif, I’m saving that one. I’m quite impressed with this rogue/warrior build. Although I haven’t loaded up my old character, I think I beat the game on Hard with a tanking mage so I like how all builds can be effective.
@Sinkable John: The lorestones one isn’t to bad. The maps are small and they glow so fairly easy to find, EXCEPT the Autumn/Fall ones which are all in dungeon areas. I needed a guide to find them buggers. The reagents one is a pain because it doesn’t count looted ones, you have to harvest ten of each, so not only do you need to pump quite afew points in your alchemy skills to prevent harvesting fails of rarer ones, you really can’t loot any or you’ll lose count fast. I was gunning for the acheivement from the start of this playthrough and still accidentally looted some of the rarer plants due hitting “take all” without checking what I was looting.
@EJ
Really just “I’m not pro-rape, but” is far more than enough. Seriously, imagine someone telling you “I’m not pro-rape, but”. Almost laughable. Almost.
I also forgot to say one very important thing, mainly because we already all know this, but hey what goes without saying often goes better if it’s said anyway : an extremely low number of perfectly valid accusations ever lead to consequences for the perpetrator. ANY allegation is always, even and especially in police stations, then in court, first assumed to be false. And that passes as “due process”. So I call bullshit on anyone fearing false accusations. In the two cases I mentioned, the accusations were actually laughed away by the relevant authorities.
Edit : multiple edits, because I actually managed to word my sentences so bad they meant the exact opposite of what I meant. Again, I blame the beer.
@Victorious Parasol
Glad to hear that you’re out of the hospital!
I hope that everything (whatever that entailed) went well.
@varalys the dark
Now that’s the way to talk about an American woman!
Pick-up artists are to men what Dibbler’s’ are to sausages.
Tuthmosis is the kind of guy who, back in the day, would brag about his search for a non-Western mail order bride.
Western women have no charm, no grace. They’re spoiled.
Whereas the women from [fill in the blank] make a man feel like a king.
I guess the words were designed to make us Western women feel insecure. Instead, they would make me worry about any woman this guy ended up with.
@Victorious Parasol
A brain bleed sounds intense.
I hope that you’re well now.
You know all this talk of food has made me incredibly hungry for cold yorkshire pudding, leftover pizza, anything that’s bad for you. Sadly when you have a diet as codeine rich as mine is (fuckin chronic back pain) you spend most of your time downing the barely edible Kelloggs All-Bran. How deeply unsexy. And unsatisfying. Bah.
Thanks for the well-wishes, everybody.
@Victorius Parasol: Yipe! Best wishes with that. 🙁
@varalys the dark: My condolences. Diet restrictions suck. (Currently going meatless/boozeless to see if this sore toe is gout. The good news is bad news; it seems to be working)
“American Girls are the Papa John’s of Women”
…and here I grew up thinking (and being told repeatedly by those who ought to know) that to a man there’s no such thing as a bad pizza.
@leftwingfox: I converted to vegetarianism a while back, and don’t get me wrong, I like all the tasty fruit I can eat. But without getting too graphic, codeine and morphine (yesss, I’m on the double!) makes one a little… bloated. So I know all this fibre is super good for me and as I don’t drink or smoke and my blood tests always come back clean so the doctor is super happy with me, but man do I find myself craving a really big donner kebab or a full roast dinner sometimes. *drowns in her own drool*
I feel conflicted about the news of your toe, on the one hand it’s getting better so hooray. On the other hand, lentils, oats and all-bran it is for you now, so sorry 😀
By definition, women should be at body temperature, whether or not they have come.
… I guess I’m not the first person who noticed this.
And here I am, waiting for the pizza I just ordered; coincidence???
As for Tuthy, I have two words of advice: ‘flesh’ and ‘light’. Oh, but then he’d miss out on the kudos of being seen out with actual women, because really this is about trying to impress other men.
Victorious Parasol – Hope you can have some really good pizza soon!
leftwingfox – My dad had some mild-ish gout years ago. Try to get yourself some cherry juice, the real deal, not a “juice drink” it’ll probably be quite tart! This helped him more than the meds the docs gave him and he went on to enjoy wine and beef again, in moderation, of course.
One thing I miss about not living in Manchester any more is that there isn’t a big Asian (as in the UK definition, India, Pakistan and so forth) grocers close by where you can get amazing varities of real fruit juice. My ex who is still my friend used to come and visit and go home with a carboot full of cherry juice. I myself had a real taste for lychee juice. I love where I live now (just up the road from said ex) but it’s not the most ethnically diverse place in the UK alas. I mean it’s brilliant if you can eat pasties, pies or cakes I guess. So the most exciting juice I get now is either cranberry or… no just cranberry.
@ Hambeast
Thank you.
@Hambeast: I’d heard that too. I picked up a bottle of the right stuff from the organic section ($15/L… yeesh) and have been taking a 2 oz glass of it each day. Sour, but I like Cranberry juice and cherries, so it’s fine.
I’ll be continuing to abstain for the rest of the week, then go to see the doctor next week about it. Once I get confirmation, I’ll see what my tolerance levels are.
I love the idea that Tuthiness is grossed out and unsatisfied by Papa John’s pizza, yet he keeps hate-ordering it anyway. I imagine him whispering “no…not again….” as his hand reaches for the phone and dials the takeout number. If only there were something else I could eat besides pizza…some type of store where I could buy food…some kind of book that would list nutritious dishes and their ingredients and how much to use and what order to mix them in and how long to cook it….but no. Nothing but greasy delivered pizza, as far as the eye can see. There is no other sustenance. The bros have spoken.
So, his whinalogy/complaintaphor boils down to this: “X is crappy and cheap, and X is to blame for that”. Of course he isn’t blaming Papa John’s for being crappy and cheap because hey, the free market, inexpensive pizza fills a need, blah blah blah. But somehow, a different standard applies when it’s the sexual marketplace. When a woman changes her “product” to include priorities other than pleasing his boner, that’s bad and unnatural, because what other market need could possibly ever be more important? And of course it always DECREASES her value, even if what she’s doing is a net gain for society (getting a degree, having a job).
So yeah, the “commodities” aren’t simply adjusting to the changing realities of the modern world the way Papa John’s is. No, they’re corrupted and degraded by feminism, so we need to go back to letting men artificially dictate their value. Deregulation is bad.
In many ways, these guys have less respect for women than for wheat futures.
And today in people are horrible news, Leslie Jones has been the victim of a hack.
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/leslie-jones-website-hacked-article-1.2764043?utm_content=buffera1b1e&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=NYDailyNewsTw
Sounds like Gamergaters to me.
I’m more offended by his use of Papa John’s as a disparaging comparison than anything; it’s easily the best of the big pizza chains (Domino’s, Pizza Hut, Little Caesar’s).
Chicago style is great, of course, but I’m in a coastal state so I don’t have ready access.
Where do calzones fit into all this?
In random hilariousness:
Papa Johns recently opened in Juneau. The first week they were open, there was a 2 hour wait list for pizza, because so many people wanted Papa Johns.
The analogy is still horrible, but it reminded me about that whole kerfuffle.
So it turns out that RoK really has no idea when to fucking stop. Now they’ve just published another guide, this time for getting away with (you guessed it) rape. No spoilers this time, because I’m already feeling sick enough without reading this shit too thoroughly. I’m just gonna drop this here (TW : everything, again) and go contemplate whatever the fuck went wrong with this world.
In other, happier news, the Washington Post ran a piece on the links between Trump and alt-right trolls, and Andrew Anglin is not amused. He’s pissed because Milo, also it’s totally not about racism being edgy although yeah it totally is (Andrew dear, here’s a hint : it’s not.) and also Milo, and something something trolls are serious business nazis. Seriously folks, he means business. If Schadenfreude is your thing, then enjoy the link. Then go bleach your brain anyway.
they’re always comparing us to one-use consumable goods. if i’m going to be unflatteringly characterized as an object, i’d like it to be something durable once in a while. i can be one of those constantly screeching rusty hand trucks that end up in the greenhouse for mysterious reasons.