Cut a little slack for the dude who calls himself Tuthmosis Sonofra, one of the more repellant of the stable of “writers” who regularly contributes to the internet garbage fire that is Return of Kings. Why? Well, metaphors are hard. Especially when you try to draw them out to the length of a blog post.
Tuthy, perhaps best known for his hatred of short-haired women, does his damndest to live up to the title of his post on RoK today –“American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women” — but, alas, his limited metaphoring skills aren’t quite up to the task. And so what we end up with is a muddle of a post that reveals a lot more about him than it does about women, or bad pizza, women who are metaphorically bad pizza.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with hating Papa John’s pizza, and Tuthy provides solid reasons for his dislike for the offerings of this particular pizza chain, including “Papa’s thin, watery sauce and undercooked toppings.”
Trouble is, women are not much like pizza, good or bad. They don’t have tomato sauce, or toppings that “slide off of it the moment you don’t keep it at a perfect horizontal angle,” or indeed any of the other pizza-like qualities that Tuthy tries to bestow on them.
Tuthy starts off by complaining that “American girls,” like Papa John’s pizza, are “greasy,” by which he apparently means “fat,” which is a bit odd, because Papa John’s is best known as a purveyor of thin-crust pizza, not the deliciously plump stuffed pizza we here in Chicago so regularly enjoy. Then he tosses in yet another failed metaphor, declaring that “people all over the world” know that American women are fat, “making them a national embarrassment of Starbucks-milkshake proportions.”
Leaving behind this burnt-out husk of metaphorical wreckage, Tuthy moves on to his next point: Women are unhealthy for dudes.
It’s one thing to be fat, but American girls are also mental wrecks. Medicated to oblivion, and—even the best of them—harboring bizarre attitudes towards sex and relationships, American women are nutritionally bankrupt. You don’t eat Papa John’s for the vitamins, and you don’t feel great after having finished one.
I’m guessing most American women would feel equally queasy, if not worse, after an encounter with Tuthy. Especially after reading Tuthy’s next attempt at metaphor, which reads a bit like the diary of a serial-killing cannibal:
Papa John’s may be convenient, but it comes at a roughly body temperature and makes a mess if you so much as try to lift up one of those soggy slices. That’s your American woman in a nutshell.
PRO TIP: If you’re cutting women into slices, you’re doing it wrong.
The serial-killer vibe continues in Tuthy’s next section, devoted to the notion that women, like empty pizza boxes, are “discarded.’
Crushed between two garbage bags in the tank, American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate in desperation last night. You may have gotten the box out of your house, but the effects remain: you’re that much more undernourished, unsatisfied, and depressed as a result.
Yet Tuthy, who apparently just returned to the US from some sordid sex vacation abroad, plans to keep ordering the metaphorical Papa John’s pizzas that are American women.
“Abroad,” Tuthy reports, “I’d see guys proudly holding hands with a pretty girl and both of them showing heart-felt affection.” But within ten minutes of getting off the plane here in the US, he tells us, he spotted
the American equivalent: a miserable-looking dude with a dumpy girl—who was edible, if she was delivered to your house—in a contorted death grip that looked like someone had put a gun to their backs. As my bags came off the carousel, I knew one thing: I was back to eating Papa John’s.
I assume he means the baggage carousel, because the thought of his luggage riding the cock carousel is enough to put me off dinner.
@ Vicky P
Gosh, that sounds horrible. Hope you’re all ok now,
Would I get in trouble for making a “deep-dish is not pizza” joke?
OT news story:
In Sweden, a professional hockey player was accused of groping the breasts and butt of two women at a night club. The police decided not to do any further investigations, with the motivation that the two women had very large breasts. Their statement literally said that when a woman is very busty, it can be difficult not to touch her breasts. In this specific situation, they argued that the hockey player had embraced the women from behind, and his hands happened to land on their breasts simply because they were so large it was unavoidable.
Seriously WTF.
@Michael P
It’s only defamatory if it ain’t true… 🙂
@Vicki P
Welcome back and take care! <3
ETA
@Imaginary P
C’mon Sweden, you’re supposed to be the good guys. Don’t charge him, maybe. Just quit investigating? What kinda bullshit is this? Do your fuckin jobs
This post just makes me think of cannibal murderers.
http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/multimedia/archive/00434/TMM27HANNIBAL1_a_434295c.jpg
@ Imaginary Petal: Amazing how they managed to make it all the fault of the woman. FFS.
And there I was feeling good that I got the last achievement I needed for full gamerscore on Kingdoms of Amalur (33 games with fill GS now!) and now I feel grumpy again.
@’weatherwax
That’s what I love. So many people on here know really interesting stuff I always learn someone new.
@ axe
Just to keep my legal nerd credentials, a true statement can be defamatory. All defamatory means is it lowers your reputation. You can only sue though if the defamatory statement is untrue, and therefore unjustified.
With criminal libel (or seditious libel as we used to have here) it’s not a defence that the defamatory statement is true. In fact, in England, the fact the statement was true was an aggravating feature, in that it was more likely to be believed and therefore lead to public order offences (which is the mischief the offence was meant to address).
Nerd mode: off 🙂
@Catalpa
MY… NAME… IS… PRONOUNCED…
FRANKENSTEIN!!!
@varalys
Reagents, right? Getting those is like pulling teeth… 10 of each kind of tooth. I never even touched the things on my runs. Proud of you
@Alan
Well, we both know that’s a lie…
@ axe
Heh, yeah, that switch definitely needs a squirt of WD-40 on it. 🙂
@Axecalibur: How did you guess? Heee. Yeah and it was Seaflax that was giving me issues. I’d found a place where Prismere dust spawned regularly and had found enough Sativa on my wandering about side questing, but Seaflax, man… anyway thanks 😀 I intend to finish replaying the game because I can’t remember how the main story pans out, but at least I can start making my own potions and looting reagents again.
I’ve tried turning my nerd mode switch to off, but that sucker’s been lodged in the ‘on’ position since I was 12 or so. No point in fighting it.
@EJ, thanks for always being so supportive, it means a lot. I will blather on a bit more next time there’s an open thread for personal stuff.
@varalys
You said so in a previous thread. I told how much of a shit Curt Shilling is, you regaled me with your valiant quest for completeness. If I might ask, what’s your PC like? I went Dokkalfar twice. 1st guy named Redd (red and yellow), then gal named Shannon (yellow and blue, changed to all rounder)
Reading this article made me physically uncomfortable. Why is this man so… awful? And why does he sound vaguely (or not so vaguely) like he’s a serial killer?
@Victorious Parasol, I hope the surgery went alright, and I hope you’re doing a lot better now! Best wishes.
@Imaginary Petal, I hate when shit like this happens. Our bad, I guess, for having boobs. I had a friend with a pretty large breasts who would constantly be groped in my high school. In the end, she got breast reduction surgery to avoid harassment as well as to make her day to day life a little easier. She’s happy she went through with it, and I’m happy for her, but like… the shit we get for having something as simple as differing fat distribution. But, nooo, women aren’t objectified at all. It’s not like men compare us to soggy take-out pizza…
@Axecalibur: Oh yes, of course, a quest I have finally completed *takes a flowery bow* 🙂
I went Almain, male. Just used the default name it picked which is Elrid. I made him black with a goatee – think Sisko in later series of DS9. I’ve gone for a mixture of Finesse and Might. Specced for critical damage above all else so wearing leather armour and switching between longsword and faeblades for combat.
I think the terrible writing insulated me from the other grossness.
@Saphira
If Facebook is doing nothing, report it to the U.S. government. We have extremely strict laws about how to handle CP and Facebook would do best to take that down immediately. It’s been a while since I’ve worked with the reporting process for suspected CP and my company’s legal department handled the actual reporting to the government (I just handled some of the work around monitoring user reports), so I don’t know what department to report to, but on a quick Google search the DOJ has a fact sheet available that might help. Even if you’re not from the U.S., that’s where FB is located so I’d still recommend reporting to the U.S. government. I recommend against any screen captures as my former company’s legal team advised us against storing any copies, even for the purpose of reporting. I am not a lawyer so I can’t give any legal advice on this, just passing on a rule a lawyer once gave me.
On a lighter note, I have a PSA about pizza: if you want pizza delivered and you want it to be hot when it arrives, I recommend against ordering any form of thin crust. Thin crust does not retain heat at all. Especially if Pizza Hut brings their edge pizza back. Expect that to be as cold as a polar bear’s ass in the dead of winter when it arrives. Actually just never order that ever because it’s gross and you can make your own with saltines, ketchup, and cheese that would taste a million times better than that “pizza”.
@Loquora
B-but, it’s a woman’s job to look sexy for men at all times! Sleep deprivation and jet lag are not an excuse to look “dumpy”! She obviously is a terrible girlfriend and the man must be miserable! /s
Also, “dumpy” to me implies fat and there is no good reason in these guy’s minds for a woman to ever be fat. They think it’s only caused by a severe moral failing (usually brought on by feminism).
I think I saw the Greasy Remnants open for Dylan once back in the day.
Wait–Starbucks has milkshakes?!
@ kupo
Yeah, that’s right. Never make copies of illegal material, regardless of motive. That’s not just possession of CP, it counts as production of CP. When I’ve done cases we’ve needed special permission just to have the evidence in the papers nevermind make copies.
Technically even viewing the material is an offence. The first time may not count as you came across it unintentionally, but if you go back then that’s with the requisite intent for the offence.
Just report where you saw it.
(This is UK law but U.S. Federal law is the same, as is a lot of state law)
@varalys
???Ooooooooooh!???
Obviously best build
@WWTH
Agreed, at this point “false allegations” is pretty much code for “So I did/I’m going to do something I shouldn’t, how do I get away with it ?”…
While it does happen, it’s clear that these guys have absolutely no idea what those rare cases are like. I’ve only ever personally seen it twice, and I reckon that’s still a lot, statistically. And in both cases it would still have been egregiously wrong to blame the accusers, because the situations were so incredibly complex.
One was under constant psychological abuse by various members of her family, in a vicious circle that caused mental illness which in turn incited more abuse, and eventually made up “accusable” stuff to ground her case because no one would listen to her otherwise. She wasn’t merely a “false accuser” and she was a victim.
The other was forced, again by her family, to essentially retcon her personal history in order to make her abortion acceptable to them. Two teenagers fall in love, mess up their protection, one becomes pregnant – classic story. But then she’s being told she’s a monster because of an abortion that she didn’t even choose to have, the choice was made by those same assholes. She’s being forgiven to ever see her boyfriend again, and over the years brainwashed into saying he sexually assaulted her. Again, is it a false allegation ? Maybe, but it’s a lot more than that. Is she a victim ? Definitely.
In both cases, the full blame is on those morons’ “traditions” and “morals”. And in both cases it’s the same kind of asshole that essentially fuels and creates the “false allegations” they spend so much time ranting about.
That’s two of my close friends whose lives were fucked up by that sort of rhetoric, so maaaaaybe the anger is making me biased ? I should probably just calm down and have a reasonable debate. /s
@Imaginary Petal
“Stop groping my hand with your breasts.” he should probably sue them or something.
@Varalys & Axe
Incidentally, I think that’s the only one I’m missing too. Along with maybe lorestones ? Those are easy though. I just need to get to it, some day.
OT : Just got back from the dentist’s, and I don’t have the words to describe what happened in my mouth. The pain in there has dulled down now, so that’s good. Although the constant bracing effort to deal with it without accidentally biting the guy’s fingers off left the rest of my whole body in a measure of pain that has yet to wear off.
Get back home from seeing a dentist, everything hurts except your teeth. Go figure.
Forbidden, not forgiven, dammit. I blame this brown beer.
I’d like to quote this, if I may. It’s such a perfect response to anyone complaining about false accusations.