Cut a little slack for the dude who calls himself Tuthmosis Sonofra, one of the more repellant of the stable of “writers” who regularly contributes to the internet garbage fire that is Return of Kings. Why? Well, metaphors are hard. Especially when you try to draw them out to the length of a blog post.
Tuthy, perhaps best known for his hatred of short-haired women, does his damndest to live up to the title of his post on RoK today –“American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women” — but, alas, his limited metaphoring skills aren’t quite up to the task. And so what we end up with is a muddle of a post that reveals a lot more about him than it does about women, or bad pizza, women who are metaphorically bad pizza.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with hating Papa John’s pizza, and Tuthy provides solid reasons for his dislike for the offerings of this particular pizza chain, including “Papa’s thin, watery sauce and undercooked toppings.”
Trouble is, women are not much like pizza, good or bad. They don’t have tomato sauce, or toppings that “slide off of it the moment you don’t keep it at a perfect horizontal angle,” or indeed any of the other pizza-like qualities that Tuthy tries to bestow on them.
Tuthy starts off by complaining that “American girls,” like Papa John’s pizza, are “greasy,” by which he apparently means “fat,” which is a bit odd, because Papa John’s is best known as a purveyor of thin-crust pizza, not the deliciously plump stuffed pizza we here in Chicago so regularly enjoy. Then he tosses in yet another failed metaphor, declaring that “people all over the world” know that American women are fat, “making them a national embarrassment of Starbucks-milkshake proportions.”
Leaving behind this burnt-out husk of metaphorical wreckage, Tuthy moves on to his next point: Women are unhealthy for dudes.
It’s one thing to be fat, but American girls are also mental wrecks. Medicated to oblivion, and—even the best of them—harboring bizarre attitudes towards sex and relationships, American women are nutritionally bankrupt. You don’t eat Papa John’s for the vitamins, and you don’t feel great after having finished one.
I’m guessing most American women would feel equally queasy, if not worse, after an encounter with Tuthy. Especially after reading Tuthy’s next attempt at metaphor, which reads a bit like the diary of a serial-killing cannibal:
Papa John’s may be convenient, but it comes at a roughly body temperature and makes a mess if you so much as try to lift up one of those soggy slices. That’s your American woman in a nutshell.
PRO TIP: If you’re cutting women into slices, you’re doing it wrong.
The serial-killer vibe continues in Tuthy’s next section, devoted to the notion that women, like empty pizza boxes, are “discarded.’
Crushed between two garbage bags in the tank, American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate in desperation last night. You may have gotten the box out of your house, but the effects remain: you’re that much more undernourished, unsatisfied, and depressed as a result.
Yet Tuthy, who apparently just returned to the US from some sordid sex vacation abroad, plans to keep ordering the metaphorical Papa John’s pizzas that are American women.
“Abroad,” Tuthy reports, “I’d see guys proudly holding hands with a pretty girl and both of them showing heart-felt affection.” But within ten minutes of getting off the plane here in the US, he tells us, he spotted
the American equivalent: a miserable-looking dude with a dumpy girl—who was edible, if she was delivered to your house—in a contorted death grip that looked like someone had put a gun to their backs. As my bags came off the carousel, I knew one thing: I was back to eating Papa John’s.
I assume he means the baggage carousel, because the thought of his luggage riding the cock carousel is enough to put me off dinner.
Woah. I can’t comment because I cut all of my fingers off on all that edge.
Oh, wait, actually, nope.
@VioletBeauregarde
My ex (who’s *gasp* an American girl) and I used to enjoy a lot of greasy remnants while drunk. Admittedly, hers were much greasier than mine, because she’d put Ranch on her pizza, which is something that still astounds my French ass to this day. I think there’s a line or two in our own constitution that states we’re legally obliged to get offended at american food.
@Handsome Jack
I bet you don’t even lift.
Re : WikiLeaks. They made their “alternative to Twitter” yet ? ’cause while they do that, someone should really start looking into making an alternative to WikiLeaks.
One of my friends is Italian, travels around on the back of a scooter and can be ready in less than 30 minutes; so she’s a bit pizza like.
@ sinkable john
@Alan
Don’t get me started on british food. Or eventually I’m gonna have to circle back to french food, and stating my opinion on that will likely get me expelled from the country. And they probably will drop me in Poland, where in my experience the word “food” refers to “I gathered everything I found in the fridge and put it all together in the pot, and now we have two weeks worth of meals”.
Or maybe I just don’t like eating.
My dad is a real expert on British cooking, due to reasons we haven’t spoken in three years, but I still find myself yearning occasionally for his amazing plum duff.
Hello.
Cut-My-Own-Throat Papa John ? That bad ?
Have a nice day.
Somewhat off topic : RoK recently wandered into anti-vax territory, proving crank magnetism is indeed real.
Yep, just rebuilt my browser interface from scratch after an emergency computer change (admittedly, that was three months ago) and that includes the old RSS folder dedicated to observing what goes on in the most unsavoury places on the internet. I think the reason it took me three months to bring myself to reestablishing that observation folder is pretty obvious.
That reminded me of this: A guy on Facebook lumbered into a feminist group I’m a part of to post an article on sex tourism in the Philippines and how Asian women are far preferable to the “jealous, stupid, femonist (sp) bitches” in America. He went as far as to post links to naked pictures of what looked like underage Filiopino girls (human trafficking victims is probably more accurate) that were on his profile. He claimed they had sex with him of their own free wills and were just young looking because all Asian women are. Insert a few insults made at us women who had the audacity to tell him he was a sick individual who was exploiting teenagers.
That was last week, but Facebook still hasn’t taken action even though these girls looked to be about 13-15 years old and a bunch of us reported the photos. I’ve never felt so sick to my stomach over internet content before.
I wonder how many of these MRAs are taking advantage of young women and girls stuck in bad situations in corrupt countries? The mere thought that this happens makes me ill.
Yep, I’m like pizza… a bit salty, a bit spicy, and I’m also very good with a beer.
@ occasional reader
Papa Johns isn’t as bad as CMOT Dibbler (although I love the reference). PJ always names its meat.
ETA: Now I sound like a PR agency. I meant, so far as I’ve noticed. And, as a vegetarian, that is faint praise.
Another one : The same RoK also published their long-anticipated guide to getting away with sexual harassment (TW : everything, and by the way it applies to the rest of my post)
Just a few spoilers :
The sort of angry bitterness more commonly found in MGTOW circles, which apparently led this douchecorvette to write an entire article, again in true MGTOW fashion. I’ll leave it to someone smarter than me to work a pun out of Return of Kings and Men Going Their Own Way.
It should be noted that the article started on the premise that if you’re a man, a woman will likely falsely accuse you of sexual harassment at work. But this being RoK, “proving your innocence” quickly becomes “casting doubt on your actual guilt”. What else would you expect from a site created by a proud rape apologist ?
Dude, here’s a hint : that’s probably because such things only ever happen in your mind. By the way, now you’re straying into Paul Elam territory.
Yeah, I would yell too if a slimy bastard like you “tapped me on the shoulder”. Then I’d burn my clothes. All of them. Even things I wasn’t wearing at the time, just to be safe. And that’s not even saying what should be obvious here : dude, if you harass your co-workers, then even a “tap of the shoulder” is gonna cause reactions. Just being aware you’re in the vicinity is probably already enough.
I’d cover the rest of the article but I’ve got an appointment and this has already taken up more of my time than I was willing to give.
@ sinkable john (and anyone else who might read the ROK article)
One of their most disingenuous tactics is to conflate the situations of Wakefield and Walker-Smith. They argue that because W-S was cleared on appeal then “by association” Wakefield must be similarly cleared.
Their cases were completely different though. And perhaps it’s worth noting that Wakefield acknowledged this and abandoned his appeal.
The full judgment is below, but in summary what happened was:
So the striking off was over turned.
http://www.eastwoodslaw.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Walker-Smith.pdf
@Alan
My god, you’re gonna have a field day with the second RoK link I posted.
At any rate, nice job debunking their bullshit. I wouldn’t have tried. This is why you fully deserve your “legal nerd” title. (which I believe was self-proclaimed, are you legally allowed to do that ? 🙂 )
@ Sinkable John
Is it bad that my takeaway from the excerpts above was “well, maybe some of his readers will stop sending dick pics to colleagues”?
Just trying to find the silver lining on the tornado, I suspect.
@Weatherwax
No that’s a fair point. They might even think twice before “tapping the shoulder” of evil feminazi SJW false accusers.
That’s a whole new level of stopped clock though.
@ sinkable john
There’s little to comment on in the sexual harassment article save this:
It seems a common theme in MRA land to say that men are found guilty when there’s ‘no evidence’ and that “its all just ‘he said, she said'”.
“He said, she said” is bloody evidence. It’s called witness testimony and it crops up in a surprising number of trials.
@Alan
I was refering to the legal advice at the end of the article, as well as the allegations of doctored proof and such. They seem to have a grasp of the law even weaker than mine – and I’m the guy who’s planning to sue the state if I ever get arrested over marijuana consumption again !
To be fair my case is getting stronger these days, taking into account the crippling insomnia which only got worse after “medical” treatment (worst psychiatrist ever) and the increasing awareness that state-sponsored studies on the matter contain a whole lot of bullshit, as well as a general worldwide takedown of War on Drugs rhetoric.
Aw heck, that “short hair is evil” article. I forgot how stupid that was. You know, I recently cut my hair from waist length to just below the shoulders and it’s way better. I can keep it off my face way easier, it doesn’t collapse under its weight so I can actually do things with it other than a ponytail – some of which look pretty cute for once! It doesn’t make my head hurt anymore either. Short hair is excellent and I would 100% recommend.
As for the stupid article at hand: I can’t exactly deny the greasy part, for myself. I have a serious sweating problem. My face glistens like a lighthouse five minutes after washing it in the middle of winter. I’m pretty fat too. Except I’m not American, and I’m not some sort of exception to the conventionally attractive rule either. I don’t even know where the fuck he’s getting that contrast from. Confirmation bias is an amazing thing, isn’t it?
Also, this article is seriously disturbing. One of two things could be happening: either he has a cannibalism fetish, or he tried so hard to be disgusted of women like all the cool kids are that he mistook his indigestion/mild food poisoning for his feelings towards the opposite sex finally reaching their full misogynistic maturity. Like a shit-colored, foul smelling butterfly ripping out of its cocoon with a loud fart noise, followed by the wet plops of diarrhea.
Which is still a way better metaphor than any he came up with, and a better mental image too.
“Greasy remnants of the meal we ate last night” – just when you think RoK couldn’t get any sweeter, they come up with this. You American girls get all the best compliments.
Utterly OT, but last night some students in my Academic Writing class brought in a new friend – a giant cardboard cutout of Kylo Ren. Seriously, he was enormous. And the tip of his light saber stuck out from his crotch at a very strange angle. I had to teach for 2 hours with giant Kylo standing in the back row (he didn’t want to sit down, apparently).
@Victorious Parasol – are you ok? What happened?
@ sinkable john
A lot of the advice (lawyer up, get allegations in writing prior to hearing etc.) is just standard employment law advice. It’s probably copied from any of the innumerable sites that deal with that.
I think I can spot the bits they’ve added though, like threatening defamation claims. That’s all wrong. You can’t defame someone to themselves and making allegations to the proper person attracts what we call privilege (not the SJW sort, the legal one 🙂 ). That’s the same in both the the UK and the U.S. Ironically the rationale for that is so people aren’t deterred from raising legitimate allegations for fear of subsequent legal hassle from ‘collateral’ litigation.
You’ve also got to be careful making allegations of doctored evidence. Generally you can put the other side to proof on most matters, but allagetions of fraud must be supported by evidence, you can’t just say “prove they’re not made up”. In practice though that’s a rule that’s often broken.
I would report his behind to the police. It appears that he’s a criminal and pedophile.
Whenever trolls come to places like this, they keep their worries about false accusations nice and vague and keep the focus on the women making the allegations and the courts.
It’s when they let their guards down back at their own hives and talk about their own behavior that it becomes clear they’re not so much worried about being falsely accused of something. They actually do that thing and worry that their may be consequences.
It’s the main reason why I will never even entertain the types who say “I’m not pro-rape, I just think feminists should acknowledge false allegations too” or think false allegations are a reasonable thing to fear.
@ Mish
Short answer is I had a brain bleed.
@ Alan Robertshaw
Re defamation, that’s really interesting, Alan. Thanks. I did not know that.
This is what I love about this blog. Come for the mockery of bigots and the company of like-minded individuals from all over the world. Stay for the learning something new every day.
@ Victorious Parasol
Oh crap, I’m so sorry. And more sorry if you’ve already explained this and I missed it, thereby making you reiterate.
Take good care of yourself. I won’t press for details but it sounds absolutely horrible. I hope you’re all right, mentally and physically.