Cut a little slack for the dude who calls himself Tuthmosis Sonofra, one of the more repellant of the stable of “writers” who regularly contributes to the internet garbage fire that is Return of Kings. Why? Well, metaphors are hard. Especially when you try to draw them out to the length of a blog post.
Tuthy, perhaps best known for his hatred of short-haired women, does his damndest to live up to the title of his post on RoK today –“American Girls Are The Papa John’s Of Women” — but, alas, his limited metaphoring skills aren’t quite up to the task. And so what we end up with is a muddle of a post that reveals a lot more about him than it does about women, or bad pizza, women who are metaphorically bad pizza.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with hating Papa John’s pizza, and Tuthy provides solid reasons for his dislike for the offerings of this particular pizza chain, including “Papa’s thin, watery sauce and undercooked toppings.”
Trouble is, women are not much like pizza, good or bad. They don’t have tomato sauce, or toppings that “slide off of it the moment you don’t keep it at a perfect horizontal angle,” or indeed any of the other pizza-like qualities that Tuthy tries to bestow on them.
Tuthy starts off by complaining that “American girls,” like Papa John’s pizza, are “greasy,” by which he apparently means “fat,” which is a bit odd, because Papa John’s is best known as a purveyor of thin-crust pizza, not the deliciously plump stuffed pizza we here in Chicago so regularly enjoy. Then he tosses in yet another failed metaphor, declaring that “people all over the world” know that American women are fat, “making them a national embarrassment of Starbucks-milkshake proportions.”
Leaving behind this burnt-out husk of metaphorical wreckage, Tuthy moves on to his next point: Women are unhealthy for dudes.
It’s one thing to be fat, but American girls are also mental wrecks. Medicated to oblivion, and—even the best of them—harboring bizarre attitudes towards sex and relationships, American women are nutritionally bankrupt. You don’t eat Papa John’s for the vitamins, and you don’t feel great after having finished one.
I’m guessing most American women would feel equally queasy, if not worse, after an encounter with Tuthy. Especially after reading Tuthy’s next attempt at metaphor, which reads a bit like the diary of a serial-killing cannibal:
Papa John’s may be convenient, but it comes at a roughly body temperature and makes a mess if you so much as try to lift up one of those soggy slices. That’s your American woman in a nutshell.
PRO TIP: If you’re cutting women into slices, you’re doing it wrong.
The serial-killer vibe continues in Tuthy’s next section, devoted to the notion that women, like empty pizza boxes, are “discarded.’
Crushed between two garbage bags in the tank, American girls are the greasy remnants of the meal we ate in desperation last night. You may have gotten the box out of your house, but the effects remain: you’re that much more undernourished, unsatisfied, and depressed as a result.
Yet Tuthy, who apparently just returned to the US from some sordid sex vacation abroad, plans to keep ordering the metaphorical Papa John’s pizzas that are American women.
“Abroad,” Tuthy reports, “I’d see guys proudly holding hands with a pretty girl and both of them showing heart-felt affection.” But within ten minutes of getting off the plane here in the US, he tells us, he spotted
the American equivalent: a miserable-looking dude with a dumpy girl—who was edible, if she was delivered to your house—in a contorted death grip that looked like someone had put a gun to their backs. As my bags came off the carousel, I knew one thing: I was back to eating Papa John’s.
I assume he means the baggage carousel, because the thought of his luggage riding the cock carousel is enough to put me off dinner.
Do you know what you can do if there aren’t any restaurants that are serving food that comes up to your standards? Make your own damn food. You can make it to your exact specifications then.
Well, I mean, unless you aren’t skilled enough to make the thing that you want, and just want to sit and be hungry and whine about how no one is delivering a four-star gourmet meal right to your door for free. You can do that too. It won’t solve anything and it certainly won’t fill your stomach or make anyone inclined to cook for your whiny ass, but you can certainly do it.
Note how my metaphor about masturbation/sex as food did not include any sentences that implied that it was people that you would be eating (or food that you would be sexing), because that’s not how you fucking do metaphors goddammit.
Watermelon in a microwave. Bam. No American women needed.
…Wouldn’t a watermelon in a microwave explode? I suppose you’d have to cut it in half first, or give it a couple of stabs, like a potato.
So this guy is judging all American couples based on two people he saw who just got off a flight? Has anyone in the history of ever not been tired and out of sorts after a flight, especially a long one (since he said he had just gotten back from “abroad”)? I have taken my fair share of international flights and I was lucky to not look and feel like I’d been rolled on the floor of a bus by the time I got there. Traveling with other people can also be trying in different ways. I would wager that same couple would look just as happy and in love as the “abroad” couple did when they’ve had some good rest and a shower.
He just sounds hungry.
I’ve always heard you cut the hole out first then microwave it for a minute or something. IDK. I never tried.
He probably is the type that gets crabby when he’s hungry. Hangry is a pain in the ass.
Thank you Jack…I’ll see if I can get it right this time around.
ETA: YAAAASSSS!!!!
Thanks again, Jack!
Tuthmosis Sonora is like pizza in that neither of them can write.
In OT news, I have just been accepted to a program at a technical college 3 hours’ drive away from home. It starts in 2 weeks. I’m going to be commuting home by bus on the weekends, as Boyfriend is unable to relocate. I have many confusing and contradictory feels.
The sad thing about national pizza chain pizza is that unless you’re feeding a huge group, it’s not necessarily much cheaper than a decent pizza.
I don’t normally order Papa John’s, but they were having a one day special where a one topping large was $5.99. I looked at the website thinking that price was too good to pass up but it turned out that the delivery minimum was $12.99 so I would have had to order a bunch of other stuff. I said “fuck it” and ordered from the local chain I like instead.
OT: OK, seriously, fuck you, Wikileaks. Just fuck you. https://www.theguardian.com/media/2016/aug/23/wikileaks-posts-sensitive-medical-information-saudi-arabia
@Rabid Rabbit, that is seriously awful. Why? Just… why?
@Rabbit
Beat me by, like, 5 minutes
‘Fugitive rapist, conspiratorial antisemite, and complete charlatan doxes a 2nd country, leaving at risk group in danger of violence’. Nother day, nother actual example of a blatant, unrepentant failure of ethics in journalism
Between Assange’s email bullshit and doxes, Hines outing Olympians, and Greenwald encouraging harassment campaigns, how many people have oblivious, white dude ‘journalists’ fucked over since fuckin January?
Okay, what the fuck WikiLeaks. There’s a difference between leaking shady government shit and medical records. Why are they doing this?
*Shaves pixie cut into a Buzzcut*
@Jack
The biggest thing to come out of the original Manning leaks was a drone strike video. Assange deceptively edited that video (Edit: it was called ‘Collateral Murder’ for fuck’s sake. This ain’t a Schwarzenegger movie). While he took the time to do that, he said ‘fuck it’, and released tons of other documents which neither he nor Manning could possibly have read within the time frame (unless they read faster than any human alive). Case in point, most of the leaks were nonsense gossip of no public interest
It stands to reason, then, that wikileaks doesn’t actually give a shit about what they leak. What matters to them is that they leaked. They get off on the power fantasy of the omnipotent hackers, who can crush regimes with a mouse click. Now combine that with the fact that the head honcho is currently trapped in the Ecuadorian embassy in the UK. He can’t leave, or he’ll be captured. And the only reason he’s in that predicament is that the women he violated didn’t shut up like they were supposed to. There goes his power fantasy. How does he get his mojo back? Well…
In conclusion, I know I shouldn’t play internet therapist, and Assange’s true motives may be beyond my understanding. But, as we’ve seen on this blog a lot, toxic masculinity is a profound motivator for the most monstrous of acts. In the case of this fuckstick, the question isn’t why did he become a Bond villain but why’d it take so long
Ugh…I HATE how they go after women (and presumably only women) for being on medication and for dealing with any mental illness. Those of us who take medication take it for a damn good reason–and cool it with the stigmatization of mental illness!
Excuse me while I go rage…
Trey Parker and Matt Stone were right.
@Jack
Statistically, I suppose it was bound to happen eventually.
Thanks for helping with the image, Jack. I remember when I was a brand new commentor, you did the same for me. You’re a lovely person.
@Viscaria:
Congrats on getting to the technical college.
One of my friends ended up in a similar situation when she went to university A for her PhD whilst her boyfriend went to university B for his. I don’t know how it feels for you, but it ended up being very good for her: she had the support of a regular relationship whilst still being able to live independently and so not have to define herself simply as his +1.
@IP:
I think RoK’s readership would grow suspicious if they didn’t read the same article every day.
It’s the hateful-small-minded-pathetic-human-being equivalent of cooking a leek, parsnip and broccoli stew whilst half-watching Fellowship of the Ring: it’s not there to be revolutionary, merely to make you feel good about yourself. It’s the mental equivalent of safety food.
See, Mr Sonofra? I can make food metaphors too. The difference is that my metaphors are delicious, especially with a few carrots and a little coriander.
Dammit, now I’m hungry and the workday has just begun. Think stars. Think stars. There will be time to cook stew later.
Hoo kay, I was expecting some lazy metaphor, instead of wannabe hannibal lecter.
I’d tell Tuthy-the-shitstain that if he’s so enamored with women in foreign countries, nothing’s stopping him from moving overseas – but I’d feel bad for those women and whichever country he chose having to put up with his disgusting misogynist self.
Every time I read one of these guys’ rants on how horrible American women are, the mental picture I see is of another whiny idiot who is trying to convince himself that he doesn’t want them when it’s *him* *they* don’t want.
“Abroad” probably means South East Asia, with the guys being white. The “affection” is fake, a means for women to get out of poverty.
Speaking as an Englishwoman who dated a US woman (she was in the military stationed in the UK, we met online) she most emphatically was NOT like day old pizza! She made most of the UK women I dated before then look like cold yorkshire pudding (am I doing the food metaphor thing right?). She was great, fond memories to this day of her.