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Return of Kings: Female Olympic champs should get fake gold medals because women suck

All gold everything
All gold everything

Woman-hating internet garbage fire Return of Kings is celebrating the start of the Olympics by lamenting the fact that most of the athletes the US is sending to the games are women.

As regular RoK contributor John Carver figures it, using his very own system of mathematics,

this is actually a sad state of affairs. It means that the U.S. Olympic team will have less than a 50% chance of seeing a real champion, rather than a 2nd rate gold medalist from the weaker sex … .

According to Carver, women just plain suck at sports compared to men, but as I didn’t bother to read that portion of his post I can’t tell you why. Possibly cooties.

In any case, Carver feels that since women athletes will never be as good as men, any gold medals they win don’t really count. And so they shouldn’t be made of real gold.

Whenever female athletes are awarded a “gold medal” at the Olympics, it should just be a giant knockoff of that cheap Hanukkah gelt (chocolate gold coins) that Jewish children get for the holiday season. After the brief surge of excitement that they have won “gold” (and attention whore themselves with it on Instagram), they can peel off the tin foil and feast on the chocolatey goodness inside until it’s all gone. “You go girl!” ?

You can tell it’s funny because of the smiley and the always-fresh use of the phrase “you go girl!”

After all, since women are ultimately just big children, they merely deserve to have big children’s candy. The REAL gold medals should be allocated to the real champions of a sporting discipline’s top tier, which will always be men.

Comedy GOLD!

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ColeYote
ColeYote
8 years ago

Nice to see them continuing to talk down to women who are objectively far more accomplished than they will ever be. Pricks.

Lea
Lea
8 years ago

They’re ever so jealous.
🙂

Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
Scented Fucking Hard Chairs
8 years ago

So, how many Olympic medals has Carver won?

Or RoK’s entire combined readership?

Victorious Parasol
Victorious Parasol
8 years ago

Sounds like somebody’s jealous that they can’t just swagger into the Olympics and win all the gold.

Alex Stallwitz
Alex Stallwitz
8 years ago

Can we get an bunch of women from the Olympic team to hold him down and lecture him about gender equality. I an sure we could get Ronda Rousey to help

Kereea
Kereea
8 years ago

He’s just mad women’s gymnastics is pretty much THE highlight of the summer games and has been for years.

Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
Axecalibur: Middle Name Danger
8 years ago

Does that mean that racers doing events at less distance than others should also get fake gold? Weightlifters, or any other competitors, in lower weight classes? Freestyle or butterfly? I’m sure this Philosopher King with a tradition tracing back to ancient Greece, itself the progenitor of the Olympics, is just waiting to tell both us and the Olympic Committee which events are or aren’t fake. Impart your wisdom, oh random internet jerk

Handsome "These Pretzels Suck" Jack (formerly Pandapool)

Sounds like the kind of person who’s never won anything on merit in their life.

Valentine
Valentine
8 years ago

I saw this article when was catching up on aurini nonsense (it’s good to laugh from time to time even if he is a horrible disgusting ‘white nationalist on paper’ his nonsense is veru entertaining). I just thought it was the final cry for attention from these children at rok. How obvious can they get? And they accused women of being attention wh*res. The irony is too much! I’m getting hbomberguy heart attack laughs with this

Kendall
Kendall
8 years ago

I do want a chocolate coin now >_< I guess I'm a big child.

snork maiden
8 years ago

Would he feel any less bitter and threatened if he knew that solid gold medals haven’t been presented at the Olympics since 1912?

Bina
8 years ago

this is actually a sad state of affairs. It means that the U.S. Olympic team will have less than a 50% chance of seeing a real champion, rather than a 2nd rate gold medalist from the weaker sex

Meanwhile, the first gold medal of the games was won by a US woman. In shooting.

This guy better pray he never pisses her off.

JoeB
JoeB
8 years ago

@Kereea

He’s just mad women’s gymnastics is pretty much THE highlight of the summer games and has been for years.

Men’s BB is the only thing I can think of that comes close interest-wise and the US can’t even send it’s best possible team because a lot of top players actually want to have an offseason to rest, recover and do non-basketball things.

Lady Mondegreen
Lady Mondegreen
8 years ago

Huh. I’d really like to see how this fuckwhistle’s life accomplishments stack up against this teenage girl’s. Before competing in the Olympics, she saved 20 lives by swimming for over 3 hours in the open sea:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/yusra-mardini-rio-2016-olympics-womens-swimming-the-syrian-refugee-competing-in-the-olympics-who-a7173546.html

kupo
kupo
8 years ago

Ok, so because women are weak and could never be more athletic than a man, then if one of the women athletes we’re sending to the Olympics (because they beat out all the men in our country) then goes on to beat all the other athletes, including men, from other countries, it doesn’t really count so they shouldn’t get a real medal. Did I get that manlogik right?

snork maiden
8 years ago

I wasn’t going to bother watching the Olympics, too much immoral crap going on behind the scenes to enjoy the actual events, but I hope to follow the progress of Team Refugee, especially that woman swimmer from Syria.

cleverforagirl
cleverforagirl
8 years ago

I can’t be mad at this. It’s just too far past the dude point*

*the point where something is so far out there that all you can do is say, “dude” I don’t if if this is a thing outside of California.

Naira
Naira
8 years ago

Maybe only Usain Bolt should ever get gold medals in running. I mean, he’s covered his distance in the fastest time, what are those Marathon runners kvetching about?

Relative ranking is misandry. Absolute ranking is true equality.

(off topic kvetching: the Soberanes fire on the central CA coast and a shift in wind caused the half marathon race I was SUPPOSED to run this morning to be cancelled. I am disappoint. Racers do get to transfer their fee to next years’ race or another one in November–a huge exception–but I am still irritated. It is 20 miles away as the crow flies and still manages to crap on all the parades.)

Viscaria
Viscaria
8 years ago

How dare any woman anywhere be appreciated for something! How DARE.

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo

If the US sent more female athletes than male to the Olympics, it’s because more US women athletes were good enough to qualify. The only events I can think of that don’t have a men’s competition are rhythmic gymnastics and synchronized swimming and the US didn’t qualify a team to the latter event. Plus, the number of woman athletes attending don’t hurt the chances of any of the male athletes to medal. So why do they even care?

And can this Rok douche do this?

http://24.media.tumblr.com/8319c486b9f4085756a7b0c266323635/tumblr_mpanilH5ZG1rlek75o1_400.gif

or this?
comment image

Or can he do this?comment image

That’s Shang Chunsong and she’s not as powerful a tumbler as say, the Americans. But she grew up in extreme poverty and is so incredibly tiny because she was malnourished as a child. And she’s still doing this. But okay, she’s just a privileged princess who doesn’t know how to work hard or accomplish things. Unlike a blogger for a pro-rape site who is just doing so much good in this world. Sure.

It’s one thing to argue that male athletes are on average better than female because men are averagely stronger than women. But when they at like the female Olympic athletes aren’t good athletes and are only winning medals because of the pussy pass, it gets a little ridiculous.

Eva Vavoom
8 years ago

Classic mediocratic circlejerk 🙂

weirwoodtreehugger: communist bonobo

Oh, and I was watching some swimming prelims today and the commentators were talking about some of the US athletes and their personal stories.

We’ve got Conner Dwyer who made the team because he got serious about his training and quit drinking and partying. Then there was Dana Vollmer who had a baby and gained 50 lbs during her pregnancy. She quickly got back into Olympic level shape and is swimming very well. Not trying to diminish Dwyer’s hard work at all, but I think coming back from having a baby to compete at that level is just a little harder than putting down the beer.

Wanda
Wanda
8 years ago

What about the equestrian eventing? Men and women compete together, AND male/female horses. THE HORROR. Does a male horse + female rider cancel out each other? I’m very interested in knowing misogynist math.

(Just kidding. I know they’ll say horseback riding isn’t a “real sport” because primarily women take part, unless it’s horse racing which is, of course, an actual sport for reasons they will surely pull out of their ass)

Also, what about Lael Wilcox, who competed against men in the 4,000 Mile Trans Am bike race and won? It’s a brutal race; riders get about three-five hours of sleep a night for 18 days, and Radio Lab had a show about a guy from Slovenia who was so sleep deprived that he started to hallucinate and get into fights with mailboxes. But Wilcox, a MERE WOMAN ended up winning against manly men, so I’d like RoK to explain this to me with misogynist math as well.

sarah_kay_gee
sarah_kay_gee
8 years ago

So, how many sports has this douchenozzle ever excelled at enough to even get to the Olympics, much less medal in them? Is it none? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess it’s none.

Robyn blanpied
Robyn blanpied
8 years ago

Boy, are they in for a shock when they hit puberty!

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