As some of you no doubt noticed, I didn’t post over the weekend. The reason is simple: After last week’s Republican convention — that bizarre festival of hate that’s somehow given Trump a boost in the polls — I needed a couple of days to clear my head and remind myself that there’s more to life than Anime Nazis and woman-hating dolts. I’ll probably be doing this more in the future, though I’ll try to store up posts that I can put up on the days I’m taking off.
The weekend was a welcome respite, as was that little staycation I recently took, but there’s a big part of me that still feels guilty for taking the weekend off. Like a lot of those at least roughly on the left, I still find it hard to justify the simple act of taking care of myself. With all the hate in the world, shouldn’t I be on call 24/7? Isn’t self-care a sort of bourgeois cop-out, a narcissistic retreat from collective action?
As Laurie Penny (there’s that name again!) notes in a recent Baffler piece, it’s not hard to understand why so many leftists, especially those of the activist persuasion, look upon self-care with a certain cynicism.
The slow collapse of the social contract is the backdrop for a modern mania for clean eating, healthy living, personal productivity, and “radical self-love”—the insistence that, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, we can achieve a meaningful existence by maintaining a positive outlook, following our bliss, and doing a few hamstring stretches as the planet burns.
As Penny suggests, you can’t make your life better by running it through an Instagram filter, or by adopting the Coca-Cola ad slogan “choose happiness” as a personal credo. If happiness really were a simple choice, I’m pretty sure all of us besides the most cynical would have chosen it already, even if we had to buy a couple of liters of Coke (or eat some kale) to seal the deal.
But rejecting the capitalist fetishization of consumerist “self-love,” Penny argues, does not require that you “fetishize a species of abject hopelessness.” There’s nothing revolutionary about malignant depression.
It’s also galling, as Penny notes, to see brocialist types “refusing to do the basic work of self-care and mutual care that keeps hope alive and health possible, because that work is women’s work.”
Lefty miserablists, Penny continues, need to look not just to feminism but to queer activists, who understand all too well “that caring for oneself and one’s friends in a world of prejudice is not an optional part of the struggle—in many ways, it is the struggle.”
Self-care can mean a lot of different things. It may be as simple as logging off Facebook and going to look at some art, as a feminist friend of mine did recently when she was feeling so burned out her stomach was churning. Or binge-watching a season of a favorite show. (Seriously, folks, check out The Leftovers.) Or putting this on in the background instead of MSNBC while writing blog posts.
But it can also mean more systematic — and in the long run more effective — ways of dealing with stress and depression and general burnout. Penny, for her part, has taken up yoga, noting almost guiltily that “it’s changed my life to an extent that I almost resent.” I’m learning mindfulness meditation, using headspace.com, and have been systematically exploring other ways to get the better of anxiety and depression and general burnout.
And so, for my own sake as well as for anyone else feeling a bit burned out in this monumentally shitty year, I will be posting more about self-care in the months to come, as well as making a point of posting some more uplifting posts, alongside my regular dissections (humorous or otherwise) of some of the worst people in the world. I’ve also been working for some time on a sort of side-project related to self-care that I hope to be able to share with you in the not-so-distant future.
I’d like to get the discussion going by asking everyone here what sort of self-care strategies you use — what works for you, what hasn’t worked, what you’re considering trying in the future.
H/T — Thanks to the person who linked to Penny’s piece in the comments here
@ kupo
Yeah I’m pretty sure you’re right about that. I’ve been around loud sounds for so long it’s kind of like part of me. Even when I was a kid I’d hear buzzing if everything was silent. Your suggestion of thinking up a story seems to be right up my ally. I’ll go try that later.
I think people are wrong to think of self-care as something completely frivolous – self-care can mean “making sure I eat nutritious meals”, or “taking my medicine”, or “looking after my day-to-day household tasks”. It’s basic and necessary to practice self-care, and everyone old enough to brush their own teeth does it.
My self-care is mostly centred around keeping my environment clean and tidy, and trying to drown out any overtly negative thoughts with distracting media.
I find that I need something that engages my hands and my brain to keep me from getting bored or restless, so I use that productively by listening to podcasts while I do chores.
In a 20-minute episode, I can do a bit of tidying-up or wash the dishes, and my mind doesn’t wander off as much. It can stop me from dwelling on things that stress me out. And it structures my time into little chunks so that I don’t get overwhelmed and I feel less inclined to procrastinate.
If I reaaaally don’t feel like doing housework, I’ll practice the ukulele, or if the music isn’t in me, I’ll play Fallout4 and remind myself that even in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, there are people trying to rebuild things for the better.
Other things that help when I feel in need of some TLC – children’s cartoons (esp. Steven Universe), naps, allotment gardening. I try to boost my self-esteem with small achievements, like learning a new tune, or making something.
Sometimes I make plans to do something healthy/ productive with other people so that I have added accountability. Or a motivation to make sure the bathroom’s cleaned before they come over.
If things get really bad, I might have to remind myself that even basic things like a nice warm shower, comfy pyjamas, a tidy floorspace, and a nutritious meal can make a world of difference. But as long as I keep up a manageable routine, I’m less likely to get bogged down.
Someone once described to me the analogy of having a bucket of water on your head, and needing to check the water-level so that it doesn’t overspill or get too heavy. Sometimes life adds water to the bucket, but we can make holes in it to release pressure.
Self-care can be anything that you do in the moment, day-to-day, or on a scheduled basis to make sure your psychic bucket isn’t overburdening you. But it’s as important as if you had a literal bucket of water to manage. Be good to yourselves, y’all. 🙂
@ Hambeast & dlouwe (I thought I’d reply with both to make it simpler)
Thanks for your advice and yes I am still reading! This is such a good atmosphere here to get stuff off your chest.
But yeah. Together you’ve both kind of hit on the issue is that I’m basically not being honest with myself or my girlfriend. We’re a year into the open relationship but we’ve been together on and off since I was 18 (I’m 24 now) so there is A LOT of history. I won’t go too deep into it but the main thing is before my gf had terrible bad tempered. Like full blown anger management issues that threatened our relationship. Sice then she worked so hard I barely recognise her or at least that part of her. And it’s amazing. The place we are now together is exactly where I want to be.
We’ve been through dishonesty and infidelity before. On her part. That’s where the agreement came from. And that’s where the issue is now. Cos even though I know my limitations (my over emotional tenancies and attachments) it’s really hard to stop myself especially when she’s basically given me the go ahead. This time with this current thing with the married person I knew what I was getting into from day one. And I still went ahead and did it. And now she’s gone home to her family I’m still away at work for another month and I can’t tell anyone how I’ve gone and broken my heart again over some stranger. It’s a fucked up situation and it’s all my fault.
I know I could fix it by telling my girlfriend that I can’t do this without forming emotional attachments but I’m afraid of what will happen. She knoes I nearly threw our relationship away last year and I promised I wouldn’t get caught up over anyone else again. Yet here I am. The solution is obvious. Just stop the agreement but I knoe she won’t want that and I knoe it’s selfish but I couldn’t bare the thought of me being monogamous to her but not her to me.
Over all I feel I’m being silly and possessive over her. Which is pretty fucking rich considering everything I’ve done. But I’m also basically afraid to say anything cos I knoe she’ll just think it’s dishonest of mr to have lied for a year.
Sorry again for the overshare. This whole anonymous Internet thing is terrible for me. Plus for obvious reasons I literally have no one I can speak to about this.
@ Valentine
The thing that gets me about open relationships is the whole “don’t fall in love” thing. I was in a similar relationship many years ago, and looking back on it, no-one has a right to say to their primary partner, you cannot fall in love. In my case, this was the stipulation I put on the relationship – sure, sleep with other people, be open with me about it but do not fall in love. I don’t see how it can be fair to place that limitation on someone’s feelings. In hindsight, it was my own insecurity in the relationship that made me include that. Also, you are only 24 😉 Maybe you should be out there with the potential of falling in love with somebody who is better for you? I’m not saying that she is not good for you, but maybe keep your options open, as well as your relationship?
@Icecream
It’s interesting to hear it from the other perspective. Thing is if I could adhere to that rule I wouldn’t change a thing but feelings are annoying like that :/ but I really like your last part, ‘keep your options open as well as your relationship’ 🙂
I’d say that exercise is a big part of my self care routine. Plugging some music in my ears, hitting the treadmill and letting my imagination run is always pleasurable. A good physical and mental workout.
I have been considering taking up making plush toys as a hobby, but it seems rather complex and my biggest struggle right now is motivation…regarding lots of things. If I force myself to do lengthy tasks I find focusing on them to be very very hard to maintain. With some things the “just make yourself do it” technique is successful, like housework, but others not so much. Nevertheless, does anyone have any knowledge or advice on making toys? Designs, material shopping, patterns etc? Information will help me decide if I should take it up or not.
Valentine – Polyamory is different to having an open relationship and takes a lot of self-awareness (among other things) because the point is being in love with more than one person. I can be okay with Husbeast having other people he’s in love with because I’m very secure in the fact that it doesn’t mean he loves me less. But, I didn’t get to this point overnight! It took a lot of reassurance from Husbeast and still does, but he’s happy to do it.
Plus, being in an open relationship or being poly isn’t for everyone, of course. Lots of people are more comfortable in monogamous relationships, some are aromantic, etc. It’s all okay!
It sounds to me as though you are more poly and your girlfriend is more into being open, relationship-wise. This is Husbeast and I in a nutshell, so it can work.
Best of luck to you!
sunnysombrera – I used to work in a craft store, so here’s my two cents: If you have stuff laying around* (old clothes mostly) use those and experiment to see if you really like it. Patterns can be had for free on the internet (google free stuffed toy patterns) or just trace 2-D animals for simple stuffies. If you’re new to sewing, look up some Youtube vids for tips. Stuff them with fabric scraps and/or cotton balls. I’ve used the cotton from vitamin bottles, too.
My point here is to keep it cheap/free as possible until you decide if it’s engaging enough to start buying materials. While I was working, I watched people spend loads of $$ on materials, only to go on to the next thing and spend more. The stuff at the craft store seems really reasonably priced, but adds up quickly due to lots of temptation!
*If you don’t have stuff lying around you want to use, try the thrift store. Also, you didn’t indicate if you wanted to sew or knit/crochet (or all of the above!) I buy sweaters at the thrift store and take them apart for yarn as well. If you want tips on that, let me know because you can’t use just any sweaters for that.
@Hambeast
You give me hope 🙂 we’ve worked at so many things already I don’t see why we can’t work at this. I’ll start by being honest with her and see where it goes from there. If anyone is worth it, I knoe she is and if it doesn’t work out at least I’ll have given it my best shot.
Also On topic, one great self csre method is venting in the Mammoth comment section 😀 xxxx
A little off-topic, but for anyone interested in Tai Chi, the Annals of Internal Medicine just published a study comparing the effectiveness of Tai Chi and physical therapy (the gold standard initial treatment for degenerative joint disease) for management of osteoarthritis of the knee. They found that Tai Chi is ‘non-inferior’ (meaning at least as good as) PT for knee OA. The study is not double-blinded (the subject matter is not amenable to that), but it’s about as good a trial as we can get, given what the study is about.
The abstract is free on pubmed (link below), but if you want the full text, you’ll need to visit a medical library.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27183035
Of note, Tai Chi has also been proven to be beneficial in balance and fall prevention in the elderly population. Don’t be surprised if your physician recommends some time with a local trainer as an adjunct to other therapies.
I have a homemade Dreamachine. It’s a light flicker device that entrains your brain waves to alpha. I’ve been using it just before bed, and it really seems to help.
Jazz, some reefer and a glass of whiskey are also good, but not just before bed.
Knowing how much my husband depends on me has reinforced my belief in self-care. I can’t be helpful if I’m incapacitated. I also remind him about things like getting enough sleep and drinking enough water. He says I believe that all problems can be solved by those two things; well, at least they’re easier to solve if you’re rested and hydrated.
Walking is helpful. As previously mentioned, getting out and moving your body helps you to remember that you HAVE a body. Since I don’t drive, almost all trips out of the house involve a deal of walking.
I do a lot of different things depending on my mood and the weather. Just a few: taking a nap, reading a book, movie/TV show marathon, taking my dog for a walk, listening to music, having an Angry Orchard or glass of wine, filling up the Jacuzzi and swimming in it (impromptu indoor pool FTW), practicing my mixology skills on a temperamental simulation app and coloring (because you’re never too old for a coloring book). Like my username suggests, many of these activities do also involve gumchewing.
Super late on this, but:
@joekster: Congratulations on getting married, and may you have a long and happy relationship!
I’ve never met anyone else who had both EDS and ADHD. Considering the absolute disaster that was my doctor’s visit yesterday, I hope she’s doing well and I suspect she’ll be an excellent doctor. We need them.
@fred_the_dog I’ve mostly been able to compensate, at least until this last week, and then my cervical vertebrae got misaligned or something and holy CRAP the heachaches have been just draining me. As mentioned, I went to the doctor about it… and got less than no help, as well as someone who had no clue how to draw blood just totally messing it up. I almost passed out and nobody noticed, and then the doctor completely ignored that my neck is screwed up and went on and on about how I need to lose weight, ignoring that I’ve been losing weight at a healthy rate for the past 9 months.
Yikes. I didn’t mean to rant about it.
@varalys Yay! I’ve been there, with the “oh, right, I should change clothes sometime this week”, but hooray for the positive outcome!
@MattP My SO has several gigs of DnB and jungle music on his computer, and I can see how that would be… I don’t know, grounding? It gives your brain something to hold onto that’s regular and constant. (He has ADHD, as do I and our son, so I think that the beat helps a lot with managing it, and for me, the bassier the better until it starts giving me a headache.)
@PI Good luck! That’s a lot of stressful things going on in your life. Which means self-care is even more important. 🙂
(I’m awful at self-care, because part of me feels like I don’t deserve it. This is definitely something I’m working on with my therapist!)
General: I wish I could yoga. It sounds like it’s very nice. Stupid body. Also Pokemon Go has been a bright spot lately; I like collecting the ‘mons, although I’ve done a few gym battles. They’re not really my thing, but they’re interesting. (I have a tendency to get too competitive, which takes the fun out of things. No, brain, it is not a KILL THEM ALL situation, thank you.)
@FrickleFrackle YES. FO4 and F:NV are just soothing to me. Or maybe it’s that they’re frustrating in a totally different way, and knowing I can mod some of that frustration out is helpful. 😛 Speaking of music, there’s this one song that I really like, Strong Hand by Chvrches, that sounds all light and upbeat and is actually cynical when you listen to the lyrics. Maybe you might like it. I also ripped the FO4 Diamond City Radio songs I like the best to my mp3 player so I can sing in the car.
@epitome I do something similar, I go through the alphabet with a certain sound and make as many words out of that sound as I can. It’s hard to explain, but it’s basically rhyming.
@Valentine, what Hambeast said. I’m poly, as is my SO, and it does take work but it’s beneficial to me. My personfriend actually called me last night (!!!) which is unusual and awesome. I wish I’d been in a better mood, but it was still nice. Good luck.
And now I’m off to the dentist. UGH.