As some of you no doubt noticed, I didn’t post over the weekend. The reason is simple: After last week’s Republican convention — that bizarre festival of hate that’s somehow given Trump a boost in the polls — I needed a couple of days to clear my head and remind myself that there’s more to life than Anime Nazis and woman-hating dolts. I’ll probably be doing this more in the future, though I’ll try to store up posts that I can put up on the days I’m taking off.
The weekend was a welcome respite, as was that little staycation I recently took, but there’s a big part of me that still feels guilty for taking the weekend off. Like a lot of those at least roughly on the left, I still find it hard to justify the simple act of taking care of myself. With all the hate in the world, shouldn’t I be on call 24/7? Isn’t self-care a sort of bourgeois cop-out, a narcissistic retreat from collective action?
As Laurie Penny (there’s that name again!) notes in a recent Baffler piece, it’s not hard to understand why so many leftists, especially those of the activist persuasion, look upon self-care with a certain cynicism.
The slow collapse of the social contract is the backdrop for a modern mania for clean eating, healthy living, personal productivity, and “radical self-love”—the insistence that, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, we can achieve a meaningful existence by maintaining a positive outlook, following our bliss, and doing a few hamstring stretches as the planet burns.
As Penny suggests, you can’t make your life better by running it through an Instagram filter, or by adopting the Coca-Cola ad slogan “choose happiness” as a personal credo. If happiness really were a simple choice, I’m pretty sure all of us besides the most cynical would have chosen it already, even if we had to buy a couple of liters of Coke (or eat some kale) to seal the deal.
But rejecting the capitalist fetishization of consumerist “self-love,” Penny argues, does not require that you “fetishize a species of abject hopelessness.” There’s nothing revolutionary about malignant depression.
It’s also galling, as Penny notes, to see brocialist types “refusing to do the basic work of self-care and mutual care that keeps hope alive and health possible, because that work is women’s work.”
Lefty miserablists, Penny continues, need to look not just to feminism but to queer activists, who understand all too well “that caring for oneself and one’s friends in a world of prejudice is not an optional part of the struggle—in many ways, it is the struggle.”
Self-care can mean a lot of different things. It may be as simple as logging off Facebook and going to look at some art, as a feminist friend of mine did recently when she was feeling so burned out her stomach was churning. Or binge-watching a season of a favorite show. (Seriously, folks, check out The Leftovers.) Or putting this on in the background instead of MSNBC while writing blog posts.
But it can also mean more systematic — and in the long run more effective — ways of dealing with stress and depression and general burnout. Penny, for her part, has taken up yoga, noting almost guiltily that “it’s changed my life to an extent that I almost resent.” I’m learning mindfulness meditation, using headspace.com, and have been systematically exploring other ways to get the better of anxiety and depression and general burnout.
And so, for my own sake as well as for anyone else feeling a bit burned out in this monumentally shitty year, I will be posting more about self-care in the months to come, as well as making a point of posting some more uplifting posts, alongside my regular dissections (humorous or otherwise) of some of the worst people in the world. I’ve also been working for some time on a sort of side-project related to self-care that I hope to be able to share with you in the not-so-distant future.
I’d like to get the discussion going by asking everyone here what sort of self-care strategies you use — what works for you, what hasn’t worked, what you’re considering trying in the future.
H/T — Thanks to the person who linked to Penny’s piece in the comments here
The petting zoo and alligator farm were the same. I could pet one of the baby alligators, actually, he had a rubber band about his mouth to prevent bites. I watched the gators get fed, and that was fun.
One thing I really liked was The Pancake Shop, a well, pancake shop. It’s was really good, being one of those classic American diners. They give you toast and apple butter with your order. I ordered one pancake and some bacon/eggs myself.
I hope it all works out for you Viscaria. I can certainly empathise with the feelings of terror you speak of. I don’t think you’re lazy or stupid. I used to feel like that when I first started on welfare due to my mental illness getting suddenly a lot worse and it took a lot of therapy to accept the fact that this was just the way it was gonna be from now on, that I wasn’t just being weak minded and could stoically push on through it without treatment. Of course once I’d come to terms with my mental illness then my upper spine’s discs packed in as well, so I doubt I’ll ever be back in work again. I haven’t worked since mid 1998 and I guess I am functionally below the poverty line but I manage just about. Anyway, good luck and hugs if you want them.
@ viscaria
Well based on your posting history we can certainly rule out stupid.
And, in my experience, lazy people don’t struggle on when they’re clearly Ill, they don’t hope nobody will notice that they are under-performing, and they certain don’t feel guilty about it. The fact that you’re having such thoughts proves that you’re not.
We’re imperfectly designed machines operating in what can be a pretty harsh environment; its inevitable that we break down every now and then. Then we need mending. If a car mechanic says you need to get that knocking checked out and an oil change whilst you’re at it, then it’s wise to listen to them. Same with doctors.
David, anyone would be burned out by all the rubbish you wade through daily. Take as much time as you need.
Whelp, done with page two. As a result, I’ve decided that since Husbeast is working from home today, I’m going out after I finish my lunch and have some me time. I have some errands to run and then I’ll go and do a bit of browsing at the store I used to work at and see if anyone I know is working. I get a bit overwhelmed because when Kidbeast is here, all they do is play some form of Extreme Competitive Minecraft with their online friends, which gets rather loud.
Valentine, if you’re still reading, I have the almost complete opposite situation. I’m a woman who has always had a hard time falling in love but has been into casual sex. Husbeast is polyamorous, with emphasis on the amorous. I’ve met some really wonderful people in the community, but it’s personally not my cuppa, if you take my meaning. We make it work, though. It takes a lot of honesty and work and doing it mainly for the sake of someone else doesn’t work. Be honest with yourself about what you want. Brutally honest. No relationship is perfect, but it should be generally a good thing in your life, a net positive, outside of how you feel about the person you’re committed to. Best wishes!
@Contrapangloss:
https://www.davidstea.com/us_en/chocolate-chili-chai-3
Alright. I’m trying when it’s not so hot to get all my stuff together and sorted and figure out what can stay, what can go, etc. I’m actually looking at stuff my ex (the one I had before I dated Jackie) gave me, and I’m figuring out what to do with it. He gave me a lovely jewelry box and a silver locket that I never really had the heart to throw out, but since I’m dating Jackie now and my ex and I haven’t spoken in years, I figure now would be the best time to get rid of it, now that I’m looking for a fresh start.
My last day here in Cali is on the 22nd, so I’m hoping to have my stuff shipped with Amtrak by the 8th or the 9th so I won’t have to go too long in the new place with only a suitcase full of clothes and essentials. Not that it would be awful, but it would help to get settled as soon as possible.
My grandma’s leaving next week to help my mom plan for her wedding out-of-state, so I had to express ship the birthday present I had for her that I wanted to give her before I moved, as a sort of “no hard feelings, I still love you” kind of thing. I got her a Tsum Tsum (Pronounced: “soom soom”) Mickey Mouse mug and a Tsum Tsum tumbler with a Mickey and Minnie Tsum Tsum on the straw direct from the Disney store (I saved up money from some commissions for it). I think she’ll like it, and it’ll be useful to her.
I’m also hoping to apply for one of ThinkGeek’s brick-and-mortar stores they’re opening up in the mall near my new apartment. My friend still has a Walgreen’s interview for me, but I wouldn’t object to working there either.
Right now, it’s just too hot to do much of anything, so I’m just trying to stay cool. I think I’m going to stay up all night while it’s cool to sort laundry and the rest of my stuff though*. I’m most likely going to give most of my clothes to Goodwill or another thrift store around here. I was considering a yard sale, but it’s too damn hot to stay outside for so long, and it’d just be quicker to give the stuff away. Besides, my aunt loves shopping at thrift stores, so maybe she can get a discount with a donation?
*The insomnia would really help with that. I’ve been trying to wake up early in the morning and do it, but I’ve had a hard time falling asleep lately, sometimes staying up until three or four in the morning just tossing and turning, so I didn’t. I figure it would be easier on me to just clean at night while I’m awake and can’t sleep anyways, and sleep during the day where I can be under an AC so I’m not melting into a puddle.
@PI
Has your mother met the fiancé in person? I only ask because this sounds an awful lot lik my ex went through last year, and it turned out to be a scam of some sirt (didn’t get alll the details).
Hey guys, do you know what refills my head with happy thoughts? Ziiiiis little girl (or so we think so far)!!!! She always makes me walk around like crazy or keep dancing around like a fool just when I think I can no longer be awake, with a single WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
http://i.imgur.com/T0GNARd.jpg
Let’s refill our batteries and SMASH the patriarchy for her!
(Yes, it’s my niece. Isn’t she gorgeous?)
D’awwww. I’m the same with my only nephew, he turns two next month and he’s such a bright little lad, chats away all the time and always makes me smile when I think of him. I get to see him twice a week, because my family all live in Manchester and I live in the town next door. He’s doubly cute because he is a Friend To All Cats, he loves them. We have six cats between us and he knows all their names and if he can push and pull them or not. He was feeding my cat ham from his ham sandwich earlier today, I wish I’d taken a photo!
This is another of my worries, yeah. She’s never met him in person, but they’ve called each other, they’ve video chatted and stuff apparently, etc. She seems pretty confident about her choice, so I don’t know. I don’t have enough information on this at all, and that does worry me.
Of course, I don’t know how I could raise these concerns to her without looking like I’m just trying to shit on her happiness or something…
Another off-topic thing: It turns out OkCupid is banning a lot of their women users when men report them for “being mean” to them, and a lot of men women report who are sending threats of the death and rape variety, and who are convicted sex offenders still have accounts.
A few mods have stepped forward on tumblr (where I found out about this), and have said that a huge majority of their mods are all men, which would explain the disparity.
And apparently OKC has been working with tumblr to get the blogs of a few women who post awful interactions with men on OKC deleted without any warning as well. One of my favorites, 40-yo-dater, was deleted. She remade though.
I usually go to the beach and do some sort of wave-related activity, be it surfing or bodysurfing, and for most of that duration I tend to forget I exist, which in turn makes me feel really at peace. Unfortunately, as soon as that’s done and over with everything comes rushing back. Exercise doesn’t work nearly to the same degree, but it gets my mind off things enough that it’s also helpful. I enjoy meditation, but I’ve never actually had it help me with my mental state unless I was already happy before I started.
I used to be able to take sanctuary in doodling or working on random projects, but recently I haven’t been able to do that. After visiting where I used to live 5+ years ago recently for vacation, I’ve made the decision to move back after realizing just how much I missed a lot of friends that I now only get to see about once every 2 years. Where I currently live, most of my close friends have moved away and I don’t have the mental energy or patience to make new friends or turn acquaintances into really close friends. That is my fault, but I just am incapable of engaging at the moment. I’ve had this background-level depression for a few years and I’ve also really stagnated in multiple ways, and I’m also not great at most social interactions even when I have the mental energy for it (which I haven’t for forever).
Anyway, point to that preamble is: now that I’m relocating in a couple months, I haven’t been able to focus on any non-physical activities that usually gave me respite. I can’t get invested into any little or big personal project – I instantly get distracted, and my mind can’t stop swirling madly over how I don’t wanna keep waiting to relocate (but unfortunately I do have to wait to get everything squared away). It’s been incredibly frustrating and difficult to deal with, and there’s this constant gnawing feeling inside me. I’m super happy I’m finally switching things up and I’ll be living close to friends I hold dear soon, but I feel like I’m destroying myself waiting for the actual move. Still not sure how to deal with it, but the fact that it’s a relatively short time frame to deal with (all things considered) will probably get me by even if I don’t manage to focus on anything.
Ugh. OK Cupid. I decided on a whim once to make an account but ended up going out of town for work and didn’t get around to posting a good picture yet. In just two days my account got suspended because men were complaining about it. Yet harassing dick picks go unchecked? If I ever do internet dating again, it won’t be through them.
@varalys the dark:
My grandmother had a picture of me, as a toddler, holding out a marshmallow to share with her dog Lucky, who was some sort of largely-collie mix. She thought that photo was the cutest thing in the world.
Eight years later my grandmother decided to try to replicate this picture with my younger sister. My sister was rather less sure of this whole thing, so instead we have a picture of Lucky doing puppy dog eyes at my sister while she was looking askance at the dog and trying to hide the marshmallow behind her.
@PI
Tsum tsum are adorable, she’ll love it!
You still got some time, so don’t push yourself too much. If you need to get outta the heat, you do that. No use boiling yourself. Anyway, the east coast awaits you with open arms. G’luck!
At the risk of ‘splaining what you probably already know… Sometimes, seeming to shit on someone’s happiness is preferable to letting some rando actually do it. This is her life and her choice of fella, of course. And you’ve got enough on your plate as it is. If you choose to have that conversation with her, that means you’re doing so from a position of love. You don’t want her hurt
Be mindful of her feelings, air your concerns in a sympathetic way, and bring lots of hugs. If it ain’t helpful, don’t say it, and accept her wishes to drop it. Regardless of how it goes, be happy that she’s happy. Basically, she’s not your responsibility. The best you can do is the best you can do 🙂
@ PI
Are you still accepting donations for your moving costs? If so, could you please provide the link? Thanks.
@Smithshadow
https://www.gofundme.com/ParadoxyMove
@PI
I hope it’s not out of line for me to share the link. If it is, let me know and I’ll email David to have it removed.
Mentally, I couldn’t wade through all the hate the way you do, David. Great to hear that you will be taking breaks and attending to your mental health from time to time.
My self care involves avoiding the news and watching a good movie or reading a good book. It’s good to shut out the world sometimes.
Re: trouble sleeping – I find it helps to have some mental game to play, something that will organize your thoughts.
This will sound silly, but one that helps me is what I call the “Adjective Animal Alphabet” game: go through the alphabet and find an adjective and an animal for each letter. Austere aardvark, belligerent bear, cantankerous capybara, etc. 🙂 Even when I had a flu a while ago – fever with aches and pains – and I couldn’t sleep one night no matter what, it calmed me down so that I could at least rest.
Speaking of fever, heat is a problem for me too. I don’t have A/C so I have to keep a fan on all night when it gets really hot. By now I’m used to the sound, but a couple of weeks ago it kept waking me up 🙁
@(((Chiomara)))
Aww, who’s a good destroyer of the systems? You are, yes you are.
@ epitome of incomprehensibility
That’s a pretty interesting way to fall asleep, most of the time for me I’m just laying in bed hoping the ringing in my ear will finally cease.
I knit. The combination of the pleasing soft feeling of the yarn, the easy, repetitive movements, and the fact that I’m making something warm and functional mellows me out significantly.
Cooking is also similar, at least for the recipes I already know by heart. Pleasing textures and smells, familiar routine, and the creation of something useful. Does wonders for stress relief.
@Oogly
It’s definitely not going to stop if you think about it.
I make up stories. The only downside is that I tend to fall asleep as it’s getting good.
@Jenora Feuer: Hee, that’s cute. I know sometimes kids don’t want to share with the family pet. Amusingly the first time my nephew fed his ham to my cat, who was being his usual patient and sweet self who would never snatch it out of someones hand, my nephew changed his mind about the whole thing just as my cat ate the ham. He wailed “Caaaat” and shook his fist to the heavens while my cat looked a bit bewildered. We all thought this was terribly funny!
I used to be one of those brocialists who thought self-care and even basic self-esteem repair reinforced complacency with the power structures, that it was impossible to care for oneself by doing mental exercises that boost confidence and happiness without deluding oneself into believing we live in a just society where nothing is wrong and nothing can go wrong. I believed that it was all a conspiracy by corporate HR managers to keep people in line in the workplace and to keep people who question authority out of the workplace (believing that no one who sees this unjust world can still be a well adjusted human being). There certainly is some of that but I now understand that one can still acknowledge these injustices without letting it ruin your mental well-being.
@Ohlmann
Thank you for the input. I was just flipping off ideas off the top of my head at time of commenting. I certainly could have linked or cited the studies that influenced me these past couple of years to seek out nutrition and larger doses of key supplements to help with my mind/body breaking down due after chronic exposure to an extremely stressful situation.
My situation is unique (obvs), but also it was so extreme because of how ill I became. I researched and came up with some things that have helped me avoid ongoing doctors’ appointments for neurology, auto immune, infectious disease because they weren’t finding anything wrong with me. I didn’t know that I was experiencing something that’s not uncommon to those who caregive full-time to elderly family. I started off with needing to find a reason why I was so run down, and didn’t have any concept that it was just that I’m doing such an emotionally difficult job every day and that’s why I’m sick.
You’re right, I’m not citing sources and perhaps I should be, but it’s far from unscientific. Everything I did was based on hundreds of hours of reading/researching.
I don’t buy anything, for example, from Onnit (that’s Joe Rogan’s nutritional company), or anyone else’s overpriced racket. The detoxing effect of doing a juice fast is something that’s helped and healed many people. Perhaps watch the easily found documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead for reference. No one is selling anything except the idea of giving our bodies readily available micronutrients so that the digestive system can take a break, and the immune system can dump. Every time I’ve done a juice regimen for longer than 7 days, I feel amazing, my skin glows, I’m so clear headed and positive. But it’s just veggie juice. Wasn’t it someone named Gerson who claimed that veggie juice cures cancer? I don’t claim that, lol. I know what I’ve been through, how run down and sick I was with no explanation, and I know how I feel every day after I take my fish oil, B complex, 12 & 3, D3, Gingko, Theanine, et al. I don’t drink coffee anymore because I don’t need to. The supplements give me all the dopamine release and other increased monoamines I need. It’s pretty cool. I basically came up with my own tailored version of those 5 hour energy shots that are little more than some caffeine and B vitamins.
Yes, this is MY experience, and unique to ME, but please don’t mistake me for someone who is influenced by the likes of Food Babe or David Wolfe. I think they’re both… misguided… at best.
The best thing about using nutrition as self care is once you’re in the habit, and have a good regimen down, that’s it. It’s always there, helping and assisting your body/brain. Anything else I do on top of that is bonus self-care.
Cheers.