As some of you no doubt noticed, I didn’t post over the weekend. The reason is simple: After last week’s Republican convention — that bizarre festival of hate that’s somehow given Trump a boost in the polls — I needed a couple of days to clear my head and remind myself that there’s more to life than Anime Nazis and woman-hating dolts. I’ll probably be doing this more in the future, though I’ll try to store up posts that I can put up on the days I’m taking off.
The weekend was a welcome respite, as was that little staycation I recently took, but there’s a big part of me that still feels guilty for taking the weekend off. Like a lot of those at least roughly on the left, I still find it hard to justify the simple act of taking care of myself. With all the hate in the world, shouldn’t I be on call 24/7? Isn’t self-care a sort of bourgeois cop-out, a narcissistic retreat from collective action?
As Laurie Penny (there’s that name again!) notes in a recent Baffler piece, it’s not hard to understand why so many leftists, especially those of the activist persuasion, look upon self-care with a certain cynicism.
The slow collapse of the social contract is the backdrop for a modern mania for clean eating, healthy living, personal productivity, and “radical self-love”—the insistence that, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, we can achieve a meaningful existence by maintaining a positive outlook, following our bliss, and doing a few hamstring stretches as the planet burns.
As Penny suggests, you can’t make your life better by running it through an Instagram filter, or by adopting the Coca-Cola ad slogan “choose happiness” as a personal credo. If happiness really were a simple choice, I’m pretty sure all of us besides the most cynical would have chosen it already, even if we had to buy a couple of liters of Coke (or eat some kale) to seal the deal.
But rejecting the capitalist fetishization of consumerist “self-love,” Penny argues, does not require that you “fetishize a species of abject hopelessness.” There’s nothing revolutionary about malignant depression.
It’s also galling, as Penny notes, to see brocialist types “refusing to do the basic work of self-care and mutual care that keeps hope alive and health possible, because that work is women’s work.”
Lefty miserablists, Penny continues, need to look not just to feminism but to queer activists, who understand all too well “that caring for oneself and one’s friends in a world of prejudice is not an optional part of the struggle—in many ways, it is the struggle.”
Self-care can mean a lot of different things. It may be as simple as logging off Facebook and going to look at some art, as a feminist friend of mine did recently when she was feeling so burned out her stomach was churning. Or binge-watching a season of a favorite show. (Seriously, folks, check out The Leftovers.) Or putting this on in the background instead of MSNBC while writing blog posts.
But it can also mean more systematic — and in the long run more effective — ways of dealing with stress and depression and general burnout. Penny, for her part, has taken up yoga, noting almost guiltily that “it’s changed my life to an extent that I almost resent.” I’m learning mindfulness meditation, using headspace.com, and have been systematically exploring other ways to get the better of anxiety and depression and general burnout.
And so, for my own sake as well as for anyone else feeling a bit burned out in this monumentally shitty year, I will be posting more about self-care in the months to come, as well as making a point of posting some more uplifting posts, alongside my regular dissections (humorous or otherwise) of some of the worst people in the world. I’ve also been working for some time on a sort of side-project related to self-care that I hope to be able to share with you in the not-so-distant future.
I’d like to get the discussion going by asking everyone here what sort of self-care strategies you use — what works for you, what hasn’t worked, what you’re considering trying in the future.
H/T — Thanks to the person who linked to Penny’s piece in the comments here
David,
please please never feel obligated to post. This shit is such a trigger for bad moods, anxiety, and depressive thinking, and your health is very important. I take breaks from reading this all the time.
In truth I often wonder why Im so attracted to this topic, but theres whole genres of entertainment around obsessing over tragic murders, so I guess its a pretty common human fascination, Self preservstion motivated perhap?
I know a lot of Brit mammotheers have had problems navigating the Kafkaesque nightmare that is our welfare system.
If it assists I can say that the Child Poverty Action Group has always published the best books on how to deal with the system. It’s annoying that they’re so expensive though. However, if you can get a library to order them in, or ask at your local CAB or equivalent if they have a copy you can look at, there literally is nothing better.
They’re written in really clear accessible language, and the key thing is they’re practical. It’s not just legal theory. They outline all the procedures the various tribunals use and set out all the relevant caselaw and arguments and tests the decision makers apply. Even if you hired the best QC in the land for a case, all they’d be doing is looking everything up in the CPAG book.
See here for details:
http://www.shop.cpag.org.uk/welfare-rights-books
Meditation never really helped me do anything but be bored and/or fall asleep, but walking can be nice as long as my brain isn’t constantly going on about how crap I am. I tend to get very, very antsy, fidgety, and generally uneasy when I don’t have something to do, so have to keep distractions aplenty in my proximity otherwise the only option to stop the unease is to snooze. Books, blogs, games, subbed anime on hulu, etc. and, like a certain mythbuster, I have a huge collection of projects/ideas that I work on as my interest wanders. Part of why I became an engineer was finding something oddly satisfying about PCB layout and mechanical design; it feels a bit like tetris or some other open-ended puzzle game where there may not actually be a solution or there may be many solutions. That ambiguity and flexibility is somehow really comforting and part of why I so hate authoritarians with their simple answers.
I ripped most of my dvd/bluray collection to my computer, so almost always have a movie or show playing in the background mostly as noise. When the depression gets really bad I tend to switch to ‘drum and bass’ which always helps get my mind shifted off whatever horrible thing is occupying it. Used to listen to a lot of metal before I discovered dnb, but really only listen to a few bands anymore when the mood suits me (kittie, kidneythieves, deftones, switchblade symphony, etc.).
@Alan: I have a Masters Degree and even I find our welfare system complicated and hard to deal with. They really put me through the wringer this time, 1st the initial form to fill in which I also sent off with a letter from my GP (worth the £20 they charged it seems). Then my GP surgery contacted me and said they needed my permission to allow the welfare people a look at my mental health records. Finally I was summoned to a face-to-face assessment with a nurse practioner at the Stockport assessment centre (got a free taxi ride though w00t!) and then was told to expect a letter in 2-4 weeks. All this stretched out over four months from receipt of first form to final decision letter. Gah.
They kept me waiting over 90 mins for my appointment I was becoming visibly distressed and angry, when the nurse finally got to see me she asked how the delay had made me feel. I told her I really, really wanted to punch someone. A risky opening gambit (and be aware I would NEVER act on those feelings), but I am compelled by all my years in therapy to tell the truth about my feelings now. It can make things… awkward sometimes.
@ varalys
I went for a job interview. They asked me what my biggest weakness was. I told them it was that I was too honest. They said they didn’t think that was a weakness. I told them I didn’t give a fuck what they thought. 🙂
But yeah, it’s a nightmare. In my law school days I worked for an organisation called the Free Representation Unit. That allows unqualified students to cut their teeth with real clients (that’s reassuring isn’t it?). Welfare law was one thing we did. It’s the most complex legal area after tax law. That’s where I learned those CPAG books were so good.
PS: Posted something for you in that other thread.
Writing is what works best for me. Some genius from around here said something like (roughly translated by me) “I write like you’d talk to a psychologist” (sounded much better in french) – but the idea is sound. It helps.
Heh, I like your reasoning lol.
I can well imagine Welfare Law being so complex. My mum, I think I mentioned to you before, is a retired lawyer and she dealt with Housing Benefit and Council Tax defaulters, that’s probably more straightforward than dealing with the supposedly more streamlined ESA system (actually STILL made up of multiple benefits and awards) but I know she had her work cut out for her. Probably why she’s enjoying being retired so much 😀
I shall check the other thread forthwith.
I am in the process of kind of maybe sort of applying for disability leave from my work. It’s corporate insurance so it’s much easier than dealing with governmental agencies, I’m sure. But… damn. Nothing helps with being stressed & unproductive at work quite like a stressful, labour-intensive disability application process.
So, a bit of personal stuff: My mom called last night and said she’s getting married in December to a guy she’s known on Facebook for a year now.
Her happiness comes first, obviously, so I’m trying to ignore my concerns about me not knowing the guy and stuff.
My mom deserves to be in a happy, healthy relationship. She’s had so many shit ones in her life.
Will you have a chance to meet the guy before the day?
Things to help with self-care: the knowledge that Canadian judges really seem to have had enough with their colleagues going easy on rapists and their ilk: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/edmonton/alberta-judge-delivers-blistering-rebuke-of-lower-court-sex-assault-decision-1.3694814
That’s twice in two weeks. I’m assuming it’s part of the “Make sure we really are better than Trumpland” thing going on up here.
Yeah, I think after I see my shrink today I’m gonna fuck off and go to the museum. I’m still unemployed and not even looking all that hard, so it will feel good and hurt nothing.
Most of my self-care has been light exercise. I’ve been walking at the mall, which is such an oldster thing to do, but hell, I’m still delighted that I can walk at all. But between my back and an old ankle injury, I have to take it easy, probably not do it every day.
Oh, and a couple of weeks ago I took a little trip to Ontario to see a sick friend. I recommend going to Canada if ya’ll can afford it. It’s mellow.
I’ve found, again and again, that it doesn’t really matter what you do for self-care (beyond the basics of hygiene, nutrition etc). It matters more that you act from a position of caring – that you do something because you want to take good care of yourself, like you would a friend or family member.
It’s generally not so important what I do, so long as I’m able to do it alone. I’m definitely someone who gets antsy when I don’t get sufficient “me time” so my self care routine is basically just making sure that that happens.
If I had to pick any one particular activity, it’d be doing the dishes, in terms of efficiency. I hate doing the dishes, but having a clean kitchen creates a cascade effect of stress-relief. Clean kitchen just feels nice, plus it means I can cook which is not only an activity I do enjoy, but also healthier and cheaper (two other stressers) than getting takeout.
@Valentine
One thing I’d like to add is that you shouldn’t ever feel like your feelings are invalid or “wrong” – you can’t stop feelings from happening, all you can do is be honest about what they are and how you want to deal with them. If you can’t help but fall in love with other people you’re seeing, then that’s just the sort of person you are, and the decisions you make should go forward from there, rather than trying to avoid or hide it. Whether that means you change your agreement with your partner, or you simply stop seeing anyone else, or whatever else – that part is up to you.
My self care: running a Drinking Liberally chapter.
Only like right before. He’s in Africa building roads until five days before the wedding, which will be on Christmas Day as of right now, and I won’t be there until like the day or two before.
Considering my move that I’ve been planning for months and the like, I’ll be way too busy and well, on the other side of the country.
@PI
How’s that coming along BTW, if I may ask?
This is my coping mechanism; holing up in my office/craft room and reading the Mammoth. Especially right now that Husbeast’s kid is with us for summer vacation. I’m childless by choice and a young teen in the house feels like a hostile takeover. And Kidbeast is really a pretty good kid!
Oh, contrapangloss, this made me cry a little:
My dad was the same way, at least on the phone. But I could sit with him and listen to his stories over and over. I miss that so much!
Also, this?
So funny and so ME TOO! Except for me, it’s dishes, which I usually hate. I know I’m upset when I haven’t turned on the dishwasher for a while because I’ve been doing all the dishes by hand! >.<
I have only gotten to the middle of page one, so I'll go back to reading for a while.
Since I’m on vacation right now, pretty much everything I do if self-care. My fav is floating on my back in the pool, eyes closed, trying to relax every muscle in my body. When I’m not in water I’m always uncomfortable and in some level of pain, and I can never be comfortable on clothes, so I really cherish pool access. It’s like taking a break from life.
I don’t know how relevant my experience is here, since I don’t spend that much time fighting the SJ battle. I do have other things going on, plus just browsing the shit wave of the internet can be draining sometimes and reading this blog and others like it helps a lot to put things back into perspective (thanks for that btw).
Something else that helps is making things, like drawing or making useless things with clay and strings. I have a whole bunch of half-made bracelets, badges and earrings. I almost never use them and they don’t look that good, but making them is fun. Playing the guitar is pretty relaxing, too, and a good way to express strong emotions if screaming will get you in trouble with the neighbors.
I’ve lately taken to watching trashy anime to laugh at them. I’ve found a bunch of guilty pleasures and a bigger bunch of shows I love bashing, though sometimes I’ve ended up getting angry at the anime instead of releasing my anger through it. Mahouka was a mistake.
As a family woman, I remind myself regularly that you can’t pour from an empty cup, so I need to look after myself in order to be able to look after others. There have been a couple of occasions when my son had to miss school because I was too ill to get up and take him there. I’m determined not to let myself get to that point again.
I have practised yoga for 30 years. I’m not very advanced (it’s been mostly solitary practice, with very little actual instruction), and I’m not into the spiritual aspect, as it conflicts with my religious principles, but I’m still convinced that without time on the mat, I’d have made the evening news for all the wrong reasons ages ago.
Even more than yoga, though, I need some alone time every day, to read and listen to music and not deal with people. There’s nothing more energising than a bus or train ride with a book and my headphones on.
I’m back from a short vacation from Hot Springs, Arkansas! While I didn’t take a bath in any of the bathhouses, it was a nice place to go to for a few days. Went to this little petting zoo and alligator farm, walked in some of the bathhouses, and ate at a few local resturaunts. Unfortunately, I got a headache so I had to stay back at the hotel for the second day I was there. Still had fun though, went to an artist stream and talked to some of the other regulars for a while.
Other than that bit of brain bleach, I like to play Fallout 4, both exploring and shooting, and building settlements. I’m trying to turn Starlight Drive-In into a big settlement with well-equipped guards, and some spotlights added through mods make the place really bright (and slow my game down but it’s certainly still playable). Imagine being a weary traveler, miles away from the big city, and suddenly finding a town with lights, plumbing, bedding, and a few dedicated security officers!
And of course, there’s music. I tend to listen to either really exciting video game/movie battle music (like the Bravely Second asterisk boss theme) or cynical stuff like PJ Harvey and Radiohead. Still, I just love music, and could bring up a TON of song recommendations if anyone would like!
When I was going through my horrible welfare experience I pretty much listened to nothing except Akira Yamaoka’s Silent Hill OST’s and “The Holy Bible” album by The Manic Street Preachers. Dunno if that helped or not though 😀
I find online TV Tropes is my curative antidote to the effluent you find sloshing around the web and social media. Although I feel a bit taken hostage by it right now, I have ten tabs open and I only went to check the tropes for a game I finished earlier today (“The Secret Of Monkey Island” updated 360 version. Excellent game, can’t believe it took me so long to play it) and five hours later I’m reading about stuff that has nothing at all related to the game, not even videogames. Send Halp!
@ fricklfrackle
Don’t get those mixed up.
So! Tomorrow my doctor calls my on-paper boss (who lives far away and has maybe met me once) to let him know about the part-time disability plan that he’s worked out with my HR team. Presumably then on-paper boss will filter that information down to actual boss + plus all the other dudes I support. I feel… what’s the word… terrified? I think that’s the one.
But hopefully this will give me time and energy to do things like work out and do housework, which maybe will strengthen me so that I can eventually work full-time again. Ooooor maybe I’m a lazy stupid person who can’t handle basic shit.