As some of you no doubt noticed, I didn’t post over the weekend. The reason is simple: After last week’s Republican convention — that bizarre festival of hate that’s somehow given Trump a boost in the polls — I needed a couple of days to clear my head and remind myself that there’s more to life than Anime Nazis and woman-hating dolts. I’ll probably be doing this more in the future, though I’ll try to store up posts that I can put up on the days I’m taking off.
The weekend was a welcome respite, as was that little staycation I recently took, but there’s a big part of me that still feels guilty for taking the weekend off. Like a lot of those at least roughly on the left, I still find it hard to justify the simple act of taking care of myself. With all the hate in the world, shouldn’t I be on call 24/7? Isn’t self-care a sort of bourgeois cop-out, a narcissistic retreat from collective action?
As Laurie Penny (there’s that name again!) notes in a recent Baffler piece, it’s not hard to understand why so many leftists, especially those of the activist persuasion, look upon self-care with a certain cynicism.
The slow collapse of the social contract is the backdrop for a modern mania for clean eating, healthy living, personal productivity, and “radical self-love”—the insistence that, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, we can achieve a meaningful existence by maintaining a positive outlook, following our bliss, and doing a few hamstring stretches as the planet burns.
As Penny suggests, you can’t make your life better by running it through an Instagram filter, or by adopting the Coca-Cola ad slogan “choose happiness” as a personal credo. If happiness really were a simple choice, I’m pretty sure all of us besides the most cynical would have chosen it already, even if we had to buy a couple of liters of Coke (or eat some kale) to seal the deal.
But rejecting the capitalist fetishization of consumerist “self-love,” Penny argues, does not require that you “fetishize a species of abject hopelessness.” There’s nothing revolutionary about malignant depression.
It’s also galling, as Penny notes, to see brocialist types “refusing to do the basic work of self-care and mutual care that keeps hope alive and health possible, because that work is women’s work.”
Lefty miserablists, Penny continues, need to look not just to feminism but to queer activists, who understand all too well “that caring for oneself and one’s friends in a world of prejudice is not an optional part of the struggle—in many ways, it is the struggle.”
Self-care can mean a lot of different things. It may be as simple as logging off Facebook and going to look at some art, as a feminist friend of mine did recently when she was feeling so burned out her stomach was churning. Or binge-watching a season of a favorite show. (Seriously, folks, check out The Leftovers.) Or putting this on in the background instead of MSNBC while writing blog posts.
But it can also mean more systematic — and in the long run more effective — ways of dealing with stress and depression and general burnout. Penny, for her part, has taken up yoga, noting almost guiltily that “it’s changed my life to an extent that I almost resent.” I’m learning mindfulness meditation, using headspace.com, and have been systematically exploring other ways to get the better of anxiety and depression and general burnout.
And so, for my own sake as well as for anyone else feeling a bit burned out in this monumentally shitty year, I will be posting more about self-care in the months to come, as well as making a point of posting some more uplifting posts, alongside my regular dissections (humorous or otherwise) of some of the worst people in the world. I’ve also been working for some time on a sort of side-project related to self-care that I hope to be able to share with you in the not-so-distant future.
I’d like to get the discussion going by asking everyone here what sort of self-care strategies you use — what works for you, what hasn’t worked, what you’re considering trying in the future.
H/T — Thanks to the person who linked to Penny’s piece in the comments here
Antidepressants and taking a day off a week.
I try to spend some time each week blogging about something which makes me happy, though I’ve struggled to keep up the last couple of months.
I’m also a huge fan of Calming Manatee and Tiny Kittens, as well as tons of podcasts and games on my phone.
Jigsaws.
Using hands and eyes, making connections in a different way to the usual thinky way. If my brain is feeling too jangly to stop ruminating, singing along loudly to music I love helps with that.
If cats wanting to get amongst the jigsaw prices is a problem, there are jigsaw apps now.
If body, mind, and geography allow, I recommend the many benefits/pleasures of long hikes.
It’s become a two- or three-times-per-week necessity for me (self-employed and sans TV). Solo or with trusted companions, it provides the beauty of nature, plus exercise and undisturbed time to focus on all of your work/personal/political issues. And no matter where you live, there’s usually somewhere nearby that’s cool to hike.
The most important thing for any activist is not to burn out — you suffer, your loved ones suffer, and the social justice movement suffers.
No one should work 24 /7 – that’s the road to burn-out. Why not treat this as a regular job and take the weekends off?
@Croi:
Weekends are kind of an artificial construct if you’re not working a 9-5 job, especially if your gig is driven by current events. The important thing is to carve out at least two full days per week as no-work time, regardless of where those days fall on the calendar.
I meditate, and it helps me tremendously. I also struggle with taking care of myself instead of taking care of stuff to do or others. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I can’t do either if I’m a complete mess myself…
Long walks with the dog help too.
If any of you, who are interested in meditation, can take 10 days off, try a Vipassana course. It’s da bomb and the technique is great.
Hey, I’m feeling this right now.
It’s funny you posted this when you did actually. I was recently just mobbed online for making a very simple comment (and I wasn’t rude, I was actually humorous about it) about objectification. I was told I was a feminazi and that I needed to stop taking there rather harmful example of treating men like rabid dogs and women like toys for humour so seriously. It would not have bothered me, actually, I was simply pointing it out… Then some of the worst people decided that this was grounds to pretty much say whatever they liked… :/ the number of them who rallied around to get me, even tagging there friends… It was exhausting… I get chewed out a lot online cause Im not scared to speak up when something is wrong… But I feel totally burnt out…
I was actually thinking of figuring out how to send a request to someone who must deal with this all the time on how to process all the darkness out there without becoming bitter or falling into the trap of hating them back…
So I’m hoping your new project addresses that, it will be super awesome if it dose!
Mammotheers have lots of great ideas for self-care!
I’ve been working on self-care for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried lots and lots of things. They all work to some extent.
Some of my favorites to move me out of a negative space:
Reading
Therapy
Movies (aka cinematic therapy)
Imagining different (positive) outcomes for negative situations from my past
Music
Taking a walk, especially through the dog park
Hangin’ with the kitties
WHTM! It’s really good for me to talk about awful stuff on WHTM because I’ve dealt with it my whole life, and not too many people want to talk about this stuff! Also, Mammotheers are really smart and have good politics.
Flower essences
These help me feel emotionally stronger:
Healing the Cause from Findhorn Flower Essences
http://www.findhornessences.com/healing-the-cause/
Self-Heal from Flower Essences Society
http://store.fesflowers.com/flower-essences/combined-fes-healingherbs-flower-essences/self-heal-flower-essence.html#153=7
May we all find inner peace.
To the extent that ‘self care’ involves downtime spent in the same manner as most people ie hobbies, entertainment etc., and acknowledging spare time is something many don’t have (low wage workers in particular)…TBH I still find it a bit strange that someone would feel they had to justify it.
Glad to hear it. You perform a great service to those of us struggling with MRAs and their “issues.” You deserve to take as good care of yourself as you do of your readers.
I reall admire all the ways hete that people have for dealing with the biggest worries of life. It’s uplifting to see how simple things are the solution. My problem is that things like music drawing writing and learning languages only make me happy when I’m already happy. You see I have this terrible bad habit of falling in love far too easily and with the wrong people. I am in an open relationship because my job requires me to be away from home for long periods of time. There are two rules. Don’t tell my girlfriend what happens and don’t fall in love. The rule is for both of us by the way. I’m happy for her to have sexual release when I’m not there. But after a cock up last year where I ended up falling for someone we made the love rule. But I haven’t the heart to tell her I don’t know if I can stick to it. I’m just sentimental and I end up torturing myself by getting mixed up with feelings when it should just be a sexual thing. I know that’s a weird thing for a man to admit but there you go.
But anyway when I’m in this hung up love struck mood nothing simple will lift it. In fact the simple things seem pointless. And I’ve gone and done it again! This time with someone married who’s got a kid and is 10 years older than me. I get thst they can’t message me and I get that it’s just a fling. That’s the point. But my mind doesn’t.
Tbh u don’t know what to do. I love my gf and this arrangements is what keeps us strong. And tbh I enjoy the thrill but I’m just not emotionally equipt to deal with it.
Sorry that was more than I meant to put. But since it’s out now – anyone have any similar experience?
Drawing or Painting really helps me. It requires my full focus and i can at the same time mull things over and let them go, via creating something. In the end I have my feelings packed in a picture and can look at them from the outside rather than having them inside me and that really helps.
Unfortunately I do need time until I can get there.
For a quick fix of calming down my head I go swimming or biking, listening to audiobooks. But creating something works best.
My favorite tea is Irish Breakfast, which is the most caffeinated tea I can get or know of. I drink it with milk and sugar, and it works as self medication for ADHD for me since I don’t have meds at the moment. It’s great because I hate most coffee.
Chai is my favorite flavored black tea. Again, with milk and sugar. Fuck everyone who says you should only drink plain tea, especially that flavor.
But herbal and green tea is where it’s at for self care. I prefer berry tea, or any fruit tea from celestial seasonings. Also, Tension Tamer and Sleepytime work.
@ Valentine- have you ever thought you were polyamorous?
Does anyone listen to a lot of music for self care? I’ve been listening to A Moon Shaped Pool by Radiohead on repeat since it was released on Spotify.
The album I mean, it’s not a song. Anyway, I was running out of time on that edit. Music recs for self care? I need a new artist to binge.
I really like CN Lester. Beautiful singer and pianist. Good music to just sink into.
@Authorial-alchemy
I’m not entirely sure what polyamourus is. But if it is I don’t want to be it really.
@Valentine
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having difficulties in your love life.
I know that I can’t separate sex from love. I think that lots of people, including men, are like that.
Maybe you two can work out a different approach to your situation.
Love letters? Phone calls? Phone sex? If the current solution isn’t working for you, get creative.
It just means you like having more than one romantic partner. I dunno, you might be happier that way? That’s just how some people are, it’s okay.
Although, yeah, you do need to be emotionally equipped to handle that. I find mutual triads to be really cute, but I feel that I’m not truly capable of that kind of relationship, so I’m monogamous.
Kat’s advice is good, too.
I’m not experienced with romance or sex so I’m not the best person to talk to.
@кат,
Thank you. It’s good to hear you aslo say that. Because so much we hear about people being able to do firends with benefits or open relationship with no messy emotional downsides. In fact my girlfriend is one of them! But that’s why I’m afraid to tell her. Because love complicates things and if she knows I’ve been carrying on a whole year knowing I develop feelings so easily I know she won’t trust me anymore. Especially after last year when I did tell her I got feelings. It really fucked things up. But I know if I can’t also make this arrangement work the way it is supposed to then our relationship won’t work.
@Valentine:
Your experiences feel extremely familiar to me. I also fall in love easily, and end up complicating things horribly. I’ve been in a stable relationship for almost a year now (and it’s great) but otherwise I could well have written what you wrote.
I might be going out on a limb here, but did you also have an upbringing which was starved of genuine affection (even if it was filled with false and conditional affection, like mine was)? I think part of the reason why I tend to fixate on affection and cling to it like a drowning man is because I developed in an environment where the promise of it was more available than the reality, and so I’ve learned to chase potential affection rather than holding onto the real thing.
There’s a book which helped me a lot: In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, by Gabor Maté. All of Maté’s stuff is worth reading, but that book was really powerful for this feeling.
@Valentine
Lots of people look to their partner as their main source of emotional support, so when things go south there, it can wreak havoc with your emotions.
If you’re trying to do something that you’re not equipped to do — enjoy no-strings-attached sex — then you’re going to be unhappy.
If this is nonnegotiable for your girlfriend, you might need to find another partner. I’m sorry to tell you this. I know that you care about her.
That said, there are plenty of women who can appreciate a monogamous man, even one who’s not always around. While you’re away, both you and she can get a lot of work done. And absence can make the heart grow fonder.
I have a big feeling of burn out at work since 2 week (and since I came back from holidays, where I spent 2 week only doing what I wanted to do)
I consequently kind of try to formulate plan to change sectors. The problem being that the best case who is still realistic cut my income by ~75%. I feel like I have too much money, but that’s a bit hard. It’s the problem going from one of the best paid sector (IT) to something where people usually don’t even earn minimum salary, like tabletop RPGs.
@EJ (The Other One)
Hey, I’ve heard Gabor Mate on the radio show Democracy Now! I like what he has to say. His words stick with me.
I especially appreciate what he says about drug addicts. The reason they’re addicts is because their lives are full of extremely difficult challenges. They’re the most vulnerable people in society. Then when they self-medicate, society locks them up. They just can’t catch a break.
@еj,
Wow! It’s so cool for all this support I’m getting (whoever said it was right about the mammotheers!). It’s nice to know others have the same experiences.
But I’m sorry to hear you had a hard upbringing. I’m the youngest of 3 boys and before when I was a kid we’re pretty close but none of my family live near me now. Noy that I really mind since I don’t particularly like the pepple my brothers became :/ but I can’t say my childhood effected me badly.
Also itst not that I don’t want an open relationship at least on a logical level. My girlfriend is fine able to keep emotions out of it. She never tells me obviously what happens when I’m away. But she only ever seems to have love for me. But if I’ve been away working and had an affair or whatever I find it really hard not to resent her when I come home. Simply for not being that other person. After a while I recover but it’s getting exhausting. Perhaps I should let her do her thing but keep ot in my pants myself :/