As some of you no doubt noticed, I didn’t post over the weekend. The reason is simple: After last week’s Republican convention — that bizarre festival of hate that’s somehow given Trump a boost in the polls — I needed a couple of days to clear my head and remind myself that there’s more to life than Anime Nazis and woman-hating dolts. I’ll probably be doing this more in the future, though I’ll try to store up posts that I can put up on the days I’m taking off.
The weekend was a welcome respite, as was that little staycation I recently took, but there’s a big part of me that still feels guilty for taking the weekend off. Like a lot of those at least roughly on the left, I still find it hard to justify the simple act of taking care of myself. With all the hate in the world, shouldn’t I be on call 24/7? Isn’t self-care a sort of bourgeois cop-out, a narcissistic retreat from collective action?
As Laurie Penny (there’s that name again!) notes in a recent Baffler piece, it’s not hard to understand why so many leftists, especially those of the activist persuasion, look upon self-care with a certain cynicism.
The slow collapse of the social contract is the backdrop for a modern mania for clean eating, healthy living, personal productivity, and “radical self-love”—the insistence that, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, we can achieve a meaningful existence by maintaining a positive outlook, following our bliss, and doing a few hamstring stretches as the planet burns.
As Penny suggests, you can’t make your life better by running it through an Instagram filter, or by adopting the Coca-Cola ad slogan “choose happiness” as a personal credo. If happiness really were a simple choice, I’m pretty sure all of us besides the most cynical would have chosen it already, even if we had to buy a couple of liters of Coke (or eat some kale) to seal the deal.
But rejecting the capitalist fetishization of consumerist “self-love,” Penny argues, does not require that you “fetishize a species of abject hopelessness.” There’s nothing revolutionary about malignant depression.
It’s also galling, as Penny notes, to see brocialist types “refusing to do the basic work of self-care and mutual care that keeps hope alive and health possible, because that work is women’s work.”
Lefty miserablists, Penny continues, need to look not just to feminism but to queer activists, who understand all too well “that caring for oneself and one’s friends in a world of prejudice is not an optional part of the struggle—in many ways, it is the struggle.”
Self-care can mean a lot of different things. It may be as simple as logging off Facebook and going to look at some art, as a feminist friend of mine did recently when she was feeling so burned out her stomach was churning. Or binge-watching a season of a favorite show. (Seriously, folks, check out The Leftovers.) Or putting this on in the background instead of MSNBC while writing blog posts.
But it can also mean more systematic — and in the long run more effective — ways of dealing with stress and depression and general burnout. Penny, for her part, has taken up yoga, noting almost guiltily that “it’s changed my life to an extent that I almost resent.” I’m learning mindfulness meditation, using headspace.com, and have been systematically exploring other ways to get the better of anxiety and depression and general burnout.
And so, for my own sake as well as for anyone else feeling a bit burned out in this monumentally shitty year, I will be posting more about self-care in the months to come, as well as making a point of posting some more uplifting posts, alongside my regular dissections (humorous or otherwise) of some of the worst people in the world. I’ve also been working for some time on a sort of side-project related to self-care that I hope to be able to share with you in the not-so-distant future.
I’d like to get the discussion going by asking everyone here what sort of self-care strategies you use — what works for you, what hasn’t worked, what you’re considering trying in the future.
H/T — Thanks to the person who linked to Penny’s piece in the comments here
The person who linked was me :). Unless others also did, in which case, sorry!
I’m glad you posted this. It seems to me that recently everyone around me, and here on Mammoth, are more fragile than usual. I thought Penny’s piece was useful as a reminder that self-care is essential. I’m also a big Foucault fan, and he thought that care of the self was much more important than ‘know thyself’.
In the winter I tend to get a little bit under the weather with Seasonal Affective Disorder, so I like to silence my phone, turn off twitter notifications, and head down to the local park to watch some football (soccer). In those two hours or so, nothing else in the world exists except me and the game.
It’s good to see this kind of mentality. Obviously, it’s impossible to stay 100% happy 100% of the time, but it’s important to take a break from all of the awful, especially since 2016 is turning out to be one raging trash fire of a year.
We can always come back to the burning garbage after.
So, if it makes you feel less guilty, then remind yourself that you owe it to the world to keep yourself healthy, strong and engaged. So take care of yourself.
If I’m stuck inside I listen to music or watch comedy or, yes, videos of adorable animals romping around.
If I have an hour, I go to the nearby dog park and play with other peoples’ dogs. Happy dogs are an antidote to a world of blues.
If I have an afternoon, there’s a tide pool on the coast. Quiet place, sunny. There’s a flat rock I can lie on and look down into the tide pools, watching the anemones drift and the crabs and other denizens go about their business to the background music of the ocean.
Susuration.
There’s something profoundly comforting in the knowledge that I am completely irrelevant to this little world going on, unless of course the rock falls, in which case I become all too relevant.
Also, I drink.
Mindfulness meditation didn’t actually help me as much as advertised, even though I was really invested in it. I felt like some people were so evangelical about it that they actually made me feel guilty for the fact that it wasn’t really floating my boat in the end. I say this not to be down on mindfulness, which I know works wonders for some people, but just as a reminder that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution or “right” way to be happy.
To deal with all the shit that’s going on in the world, I am writing a science fiction story that’s aimed at glamorizing NON-violent problem solving. You know, where the heroes badassery and cool shit all revolves around using dialogue and quick thinking and compassion rather than punching and shooting. I know that no one else will ever see it unless I ask them to and it will change exactly 0 things about the wold, but it does at least make me feel a little less frustrated.
To deal with my own insecurities, I keep a notebook where I write down every compliment that anyone gives me, color coded by topic. I am someone who tends remember criticisms forever but forget compliments immediately, so writing them down helps.
Meditation type stuff does nothing for me because I’ll just get bored and start worrying. For me, distraction is best. Since the Olympics are coming up, I’ve been immersing myself in everything gymnastics. I’ve started a quest to watch every women’s artistic gymnastics world and Olympic team and all around final between 1989 and 2015. I chose ’89 because the 89-92 quad is when I first became a fan.
Mindfulness meditation has been helpful for me. I was introduced to it by a nurse recommending The Miracle of Mindfulness by Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh (Amazon link). The nurse worked in a psychiatric hospital and has also struggled with suicidal depression for most of his own life; he found great relief putting what he learned in the book to practice.
Which isn’t to say that it’s easy to do, or the best method for everyone, as already stated by other commenters. But to anyone who hasn’t tried it and/or is interested, it is definitely worth a look. I usually do guided meditatations with the fantastic Stop, Breathe & Think app, which includes a check-in feature to log your mood before and after you meditate. It’s free except for an additional handful of meditations you can download by donating.
Please take care of yourselves, everyone. <3
I just do my drawing, games, maths, japanese and internets to cool me down.
I guess the reason why I am strangely calm despite this year being a really turbulent one where bigots are coming out in full force and receiving applause, the unsustainable status quo of unregulated 1% and the seeming increase in violence, is only because I’m not there. By that, I mean that all the recent events have not occurred near me, aside from San Bernadino, they have not been near family that I have, nor do I feel like my ethnicity, and therefore me and those I know is seen as a target amongst this current wave of racists.
That doesn’t mean I don’t feel anger and impotence at the current situation despite my best efforts, it just means I have the small comfort that my demographic isn’t being specifically targeted. But I know for sure, that it’s going on the chopping block, after all the yellow menace/model minority dichotomy is as old as the trans-continental railroad. All there needs is Trump and others to start making up the imminent threat of Asians taking over the US by subtly integrating so well into society. Hate them for taking away what belongs to you. Hate the people who are so accepting of them taking over positions in society. Hate them for being so prominent in colleges. Hate them for their language, their cultural values, their beliefs, hate them for ever drawing breath.
I know it’ll happen, it’s only a matter of time before they start thinking that the usual targets of african americans and jews and italians and muslims and latin americans aren’t enough to sate their misanthropist hate.
Well, to try to make this post alot more happy. I’m glad that so far two weeks into my job everyone seems to like that I am following the rules right and not faffing about. It’s past two weeks and my medication isn’t causing me any bad side effects. Progressing nicely in my studies, that’s always good.
I have a confession to make. I actually enjoy seeing bad oc art on Tumblr. Not because I’m using it as a way to boost my own self worth, more admiring that they seem so confident and happy in sharing and continually posting their work. Objectively I can tell exactly what’s wrong, the proportions, the lack of depth, bad grayscale/color scheme, boring poses, etc. But I find those artists’ works, endearing, in their earnestness to improve. I have all the books that Loomis has written, I use the templates for anatomy and practice timed gesture drawings daily, and it is helping, tremendously so in helping me understand how human parts fit together.
Then I see them, just doing it, and posting it. I kind of find that admirable in a way. Some of them at least, at some point I just find some a bit lazy.
@Whitney
That is brilliant, and I think I’m going to start such a notebook. Thank you.
Dude, I totally understand. As I’ve said in previous comments, I’m just bored out of my wits by the western far-right by this point. There are times when I’ve wondered whether there’s any software I can install that will block out the comments sections on YouTube and news websites purely so I’m not tempted to scroll down and look at them anymore, even as I know just exactly what they’ll consist of.
@abars01
There are plenty of addons on Firefox/Chrome that do just that.
As part of our self-care (which we agree is important), Pavlov’s House and I do hot power yoga together.
I realised I don’t take care of myself as much as I should. I don’t much, but I read, listen to music, and make tea for myself.
As they say in the safety lecture on the plane, put your own mask on first. Take care of yourself.
David, I admire the work you do here. I’m unable to wade through the nonsense and am glad you do. It’s valuable work, nothing is more useful than laughter in dealing with the MRA, PUA, MGTOWs and the rest.
Meditation, Tai Chi, walks in nature, time with friends, reading novels- I don’t do any of these things enough.
Two of my friends are moving away and I have spent a few hours with each helping them pack just to spend time with them.
As much as I enjoy reading your posts, anytime you need a mental health day, I’m good. I’ll wait.
@authorialAlchemy
Oh what type of tea do you prefer? I normally just go for whatever, even coffee if anyone offers.
Oops, missed the edit opportunity. Meant “Ms. Pavlov’s House and I” re: the hot power yoga.
Take as much time as you need, no one who’s opinion is worth a golly gosh-damn could blame you for it.
I tend to retreat to my games, myself, though that’s more a stopgap solution than a longterm thing. Helps that I had a decent convention to recharge in between the two political ones. Comic Con covers a lot of ailments (and probably starts many, more literal, ones).
We love coffee here. We drink it all the way from here to the Tractor Factory.
Thank you so much for posting this. I actually had someone post on facebook about how self-care “made her sick” and anyone who did it was a privileged, selfish asshole. I didn’t reply but what I wanted to say was, it’s not just the issues that I need a break from, it’s people like you who take difficult times and instead of trying to make positive change use it to heap shame on people they’ve never met. Heaven forbid some of us might have PTSD, anxiety and depression or just be humans who can a have a bad day once in a while. If I let my fear take over I can’t think straight, and then I’m no good to anyone. We have to take care of ourselves to keep going forward. It doesn’t mean that we don’t care, in fact it’s quite the opposite.
I like to head over to emm’s positivity blog when I need to get into a positive head space. For a while I was using Jamie Oliver’s You app. It was alright but sometimes I felt bad if I couldn’t meet my goals. Everyone is very nice on there, though.
“Choose happiness” reminds me of that quote from Trainspotting.
I think it was in one of Kim Stanley Robinson’s novels, where a character is engaging in some “chop wood, carry water” chores necessary at the time to keep him alive; and he was musing on the many 10’s of thousands of years of Homo spp. evolution, where the chop wood, carry water types of activities took up most of our day. It’s probably fundamental to our psychological stability to engage in routine mundane chores like cooking, cleaning, washing ourselves and our clothing, mending things, etc, and all of the related activities to make all of that happen. We’ve gotten so far away from that lifestyle because of technological advances, but our brains are essentially the same as they were 50k years ago, as far as anyone knows. It’s not selfish to look after yourself through exercise, or socializing, or reading a good book, or engaging with art or music or dance, or whatever else you may find relaxing, it’s necessary to how we function as a species.
For me, meditation’s a bust. ADHD + meditation = immense frustration and feeling like a failure. Yoga’s only a good idea for me if I really want to dislocate something. (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, aka “a genetic condition that affects my collagen, which has a surprising amount of reach”. I don’t talk about it much because I tend to go into too much detail and either gross people out or bore them.)
My self-care is a combination of basic things (this is very useful) and distraction/things that are fun, like video games and RP as well as messing with the cats and the kids. Or going for a walk, especially with the addition of Pokemon GO. Spending time with family helps, too. Singing along with music in the car. Painting my nails (which I really should redo, actually). If I’m feeling good physically, sometimes chores like laundry are pretty enjoyable. Taking a nap or going to bed early when I need to.
Taking a break from upsetting things is perfectly valid and healthy. I forget about self-care because I don’t think I’m important compared to whatever else is going on, not because I think it’s a cop-out. And collectivist action means that when you need to take a break, someone else can fill in until you’re feeling up to it.
In fact, David, you might consider having guest posters on occasion; I suspect there are commenters here who would do a great job and would be thrilled to do it, so it’s beneficial all around. (I’m not suggesting this because I want to; I’m not reliable enough, especially lately, to do it justice, but you do have some amazing commenters who might be interested, maybe. 🙂 )
@calmdown:
http://www.robot-hugs.com/barrage/ Your comment made me think of this. That Facebook friend sounds really tough to deal with. *offers hugs*
I’ve had to learn not to crucify myself because I can’t do everything everybody else wants me to do to Change the World. To cope, I do art, I blow up virtual dragons, I keep fish, and most of all, I watch kittencams.
There’s something really soothing about kittencams. No worries about treading on someone’s toes by accident, no morons around to spread hate and misery with ‘ur doin it rong lol’, nobody yelling at you about how you suck for not doing enough when it never will be enough. Just people unified by watching and loving adorable kittens and equally adorable mama cats and their desire to help them out. It’s a goal that in small ways is actually achievable.
Self care is super-duper important.
It’s hard, because I’m definitely the type to think that I should be able to do more, and I shouldn’t need to take a break for self care, because I should be more resilient.
I’m kind of ridiculous that way. Folks like @calmdown mentioned definitely don’t help, because that type of rant definitely adds to my “I should be better than this and be able to help all the people” guilt.
Honestly, I think the thing that helped me was when I got with the fire department and all the textbooks and all the long term career guys kept pounding out the same thing.
Your top priority should ALWAYS be your own safety. Followed by your crew. Then, and only then, your patient or the victims. That’s also what all the reading that the Cap who did his Master’s thesis on Firefighter/EMT suicides suggested we need to be better about as a whole:
A crud ton of EMS folks are terrible at remembering to take care of themselves first, and try to do the whole “I should be resilient and not need to help myself and I should be there for my patients” thing, and it kills us.
So, yeah, the data strongly indicates that we should take care of ourselves first before assisting others.
So, yeah, coping strategies of the Contrapangloss, coming up!
Tea.
Normal days? Any flavor, with a tiny bit of sugar or honey.
For minor bad days, chai with chocolate.
For awful bad days, like the day I found out a friend died via facebook or the day my mom told me that Bailey (our family lab-spaniel mix that I’d missed like heck since I moved away) died, chamomile with milk and honey, followed by a long hot shower.
Dogs
Find a dog, any dog, take them for a walk. Dogs are easy to make happy, and making a dog happy helps me feel better because maybe I totally screwed up that last thing, or maybe I just didn’t know enough to make a difference on that call because it was a rope rescue and I’m not special teams trained, but darn it if I can’t make a dog happy.
It’s a low bar, but it’s good to at least make a difference for one being on this entire planet.
I’m so excited about finally having a dog of my own again and not having to hunt for a friend’s dog on bad days that I can barely contain it.
His name is Olaf and he likes warm hugs. And chewing things.
A good people hug
So, I’m a bit odd on this one. I HATE hugs, generally speaking. I hate people being close to me. I don’t like standing in tight quarters. I like having a good solid wall at my back and being able to see the entire room complete with a few solid escape routes.
But, there’s about 10 people who I like hugs from. One of them’s my best friend, my immediate family count for another three, and there’s a couple other friends and firefighters whose hugs can make me feel less cruddy. There’s an additional two people whose hugs make me feel tense and nope, but being shoulder to shoulder with them makes me feel better.
Calling my mom and dad.
Cliche, I know. Mom’s nice because she’ll let me vent and reassure me that things aren’t always my fault and I’m human. Dad’s nice because when things are really cruddy, he doesn’t try to make me feel better about the cruddy. Instead, he just talks.
Like, he usually has a limited word budget. Phone calls with dad are usually short. But when I feel like crud, he’ll just tell stories for an hour straight.
Watching comedy.
Simpsons. Blues Brothers. Anything lighthearted and fluffy. Maybe stargate, but only the fluffy episodes like Wormhole X-Treme. No angst. No medical dramas. Nothing that feels too much like work/real life.
Maybe not comedy, but Lord of the Rings marathons are super soothing. I think it’s the soundtrack, there, to be honest.
Cleaning.
Okay, this is the weirdest one. I HATE CLEANING. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE cleaning. I loathe organizing my socks with a passion. Vacuums were designed to suck the souls out of people, I swear.
But… when the world’s at it’s cruddiest, there’s something soothing about creating a little order, and scraping the rust off hand tools, and scrubbing the evil out of the shower floor. My room/appartment is never cleaner than when I’m either a) coping with some cruddy thing or b) procrastinating on a project.
Turning off the stupid phone
People don’t need to get in touch with me. They don’t. Nope. Not here. I’ll go three days or more off the internet and off the phone.
It usually comes back to bite me when I turn it back on and see all the messages I missed, or have to wade through the hundred emails, and feel guiltier than when I first started, but…
…at least I feel less awful for those three days?
Oh, and I forgot the most important.
When life sucks the most, I curl up with my great white shark body pillow, Saruman, and watch Jaws or other assorted scientifically atrocious shark movies.