A long overdue Open Thread for Personal Stuff. (There’s also one for non-personal stuff.)
As always, no trolls or MRAs. Let me know if any show up.
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Open Thread for Personal Stuff, 5/16 Bearcat Edition
We Hunted The MammothBucking the Backlash
I have a situation that has come up and the personal component to that I want to get some feedback on here while the professional aspect I’ll bring up on the non-personal thread. So here goes:
I was in an abusive relationship for some time which was very difficult to get out; the impact of the relationship bled over into every aspect of my life, some more than others. One of the things that has helped me work through the aftermath is using my professional capacities to help others who are leaving a similar situation. In terms of actual therapy, I only did a minimal stretch with that after feeling like all I was doing was retelling the story from beginning to end but never getting any suggestions of things I could do otherwise to help. Researching on my own for ways to deal with the more PTSD-type symptoms was more helpful in my perspective. But it seems like there’s something I must have missed. Being asked to talk in the near future about my experiences from that relationship and getting to where I am today with a group has brought on a tremendous wave of anxiety and doubt the likes of which I haven’t dealt with in a long time. I want to do the talk, but am I really in the best place personally to do so if I’m reacting this way?
@ msexceptiontotherule – It’s a difficult question I think only you can ultimately answer. Let your comfort level be the guide, ask yourself if right now whether you’d prefer to overcome the anxiety and do the talk or give yourself time. Also try and determine what is the source of your anxiety. Perhaps you would feel more comfortable if someone else presented a prepared speech in your place, if that’s an option?
@msexceptiontotherule
This is probably gonna sound kinda dumb, but here goes. Have you tried putting yourself in the seat of those others who’re leaving an actual situation ? To them, you’re someone who’s gone through it before them. What about doing the same yourself, going to someone who’s gone through it before you ?* They might point out to that something you feel is missing, if it really is.
Maybe even more so, because you’re reacting this way ? Anxiety and doubt are pretty much the meat of relating past experiences, especially when those are traumatic. There’s no way you could avoid feeling them, and no one expects you to.
*I’d like to apologize for this mangled attempt at engrish. That was the best I could phrase that suggestion…
@msexception
I don’t know if this will help, but try to remember, your audience wants you to succeed. They have your back and are 100% there for you. If you’re worried, anxious, full of doubt, let your audience know. They will probably think more of you for it.
Loving all the pet pics.
I’ll share one of my favourite Sassy memories if I may.
I had a lunch date with a human friend. Prior to that I took Sas out for a long walk to tire her out and made sure she was well fed. When it looked like she’d dozed off we gently slipped away.
Got as far as downstairs when all of a sudden she jumped out of my first floor window “Hey guys, you almost left without me”
She’d narrowly missed landing on my neighbour who exclaimed in the finest Cockney accent:
“Fuckin’ hell; it’s raining bleeding Alsatians!”
@autosoma (GREAT TO SEE YOU AROUND!!!), @scildfreja, @Alan – Thanks, guys.
Sorry for ghosting, happens with kids (though strawberry ice cream with about 1/2 strawberries from our little patch was made 😀 ).
I’ll keep things vague because, hey, public forum. Let me know if it’s too vague to be useful.
We (my husband and I) are at a happy crossroads and have to chose between two different paths.
1) We could move to northern Europe (under a SOFA agreement, though we’re not military) for an IT job with a highish clearance for my husband. It’s pretty high paying, covers most moving costs, includes a stipend for our children to go international schools, etc.
Primarily due to onboarding costs, there is a (short) contractually obligated (on our end) employment term with a then marginally less short “minimum guaranteed employment length” (after the lapse of the aforementioned) on their end.
There’s a fair-to-middling chance that I’d be able to get a lower-paying-but-still-not-bad IT support job with the same highish clearance once there (also SOFA, so no EU tape).
The offer’s already there for my husband’s
2) Someone who had been in highish management where my husband currently works (as a contractor, not gov’t employee) has moved to a similar position with a different agency. He was really impressed by my husband’s work (IT – primarily front end dev stuff, though he’s can also put ad hoc admin and back end work on his resume & recently was promoted to team lead) and wants to bring my husband over to help implement some big IT changes. It’d be a healthy but not outstanding pay raise but would include actual health coverage (as a contractor, his/our current coverage is just…just awful – catastrophic coverage, really, by another name with a high monthly premium) and other fed employee benefits – BUT would not have a guarantee of permanent employment (many/most of this agency’s employees are classed as temporary, though they sort of flog the term [according to the fed’s definition] and apparently renew most contracts continuously).
There is also a near-guarantee that I’d be offered an IT support job, again not nearly as high paying (I have been out of the workforce for a few years because childcare is ‘spensive) but also short-term fed and with very favorable working conditions after an initial training period.
Bullets for other relevant points that I didn’t fit in to the above descriptions (I’d go back and edit, but my kids’ll be up soon and then it’ll just never be posted):
* As I said, Job 1 (J1) offers a higher clearance. Job 2 (J2) would be lateral on that front.
* There are several highly sought after certs required for J1 / any position I might get at J1’s location that neither of us have but that have a time-after-hiring grace period and would be paid for by the employer.
* J2 has no explicit cert requirements, but the fed’s known for being all about paying for qualified training & education. (Ditto the job that I’d get.)
* J1 would be a significant raise all on its own (bold that if I start a position as well) and a significant portion (though not all) of that would be untaxed, though some of that (the living stipend) is variable and some of it (the kids’ educational stipend) would go directly to the school.
* J2 would be a small raise on my husband’s end and large (up from nuthin’) raise on my end – taken together, I believe that J2 would net us more [J1 total income – (state and federal taxes + international insurance + educational stipend)] [J2+my position – (taxes + childcare)] in the immediate term, though that would depend upon the cost / extent of childcare arrangements.
* We’d have international insurance with J1. I’m not sure how that would work in that particular country, but even the market prices are so, so much less than in the US. (I almost had a rage/envy fit when I was told the cost of a friend’s elective MRI there.) With J2, we’re still…well, in the US with this healthcare system, but we’d have excellent insurance.
* J1 would probably end up being more IT professional track. This isn’t what he has his degree in, but he’s fallen into it and has excelled. As some of you might remember my mentioning, while he has no diagnosis and will likely never pursue one, he fits criteria for being classed as being on the autism spectrum (though very “high functioning” – I dislike that term, though…anyone who knows a better way to phrase that, please let me know). He has a mind for systems (virtual, physical, conceptual – doesn’t matter) and data that I just don’t and honestly can’t quite wrap my head around.
J2 would be more IT management. This is something he can do – he’s devoted a not inconsiderable portion of his intellect to understanding people / managing personal interactions; when he’s described it to me, he’s pretty much set up an outrageously complicated set of personality and context based input/output matrices that usually serve him well (though there have been a couple of times in our marriage when I’ve kicked him under the table or come up, put my arm around him, and guided a conversation back to comfort after he’s breezed past someone’s social cues) – though it drains him much more than dealing with systems and data.
I’m cool with going back to work, especially with the terms given (not as high paying as it could be, but flexible and with work arrangements that fit family life). Some might rag on me for this, but we’re trying to take a team-based approach to our employment. At least while our children are around, at least in the US with its crap family leave and childcare policies, one of us will pull back from doing all that we could do professionally. His skills, talents, and qualities are more valued on the market than are mine, so he’s the one whose career is currently given primacy. That being said, I do want to get a foot back in the job pool now that the kids are getting older for [a] to increase our lifetime earning potential [b] to pile some money into savings and home improvement (we have a soft plan to make this into a “generational house” – it’s in an excellent location for jobs but is also in one of the more expensive areas in the country; if family can live together and share resources, that’s more money and/or free time for everyone) [c] take some pressure off of him – he doesn’t say anything, but being a sole breadwinner’s rough.
We’re both completely up in the air regarding each decision.
GAH, kids are up.
OK.
Central concern:
>> Which course would be better long term?
Thanks to anyone who slogged through that wall-o-text.
I appreciate any thoughts.
Annnd I plan to (finally) read everyone else’s updates after morning rush is done here.
Dammit – I tried to go back and shove in ul html rather than asterisks to make it more readable, but they didn’t show up.
I then tried to go back and shove back in the original formatting but ran out of time.
Here’s the list portion again w/ bullets if the above makes your eyes bleed:
* As I said, Job 1 (J1) offers a higher clearance. Job 2 (J2) would be lateral on that front.
* There are several highly sought after certs required for J1 / any position I might get at J1’s location that neither of us have but that have a time-after-hiring grace period and would be paid for by the employer.
* J2 has no explicit cert requirements, but the fed’s known for being all about paying for qualified training & education. (Ditto the job that I’d get.)
* J1 would be a significant raise all on its own (bold that if I start a position as well) and a significant portion (though not all) of that would be untaxed, though some of that (the living stipend) is variable and some of it (the kids’ educational stipend) would go directly to the school.
* J2 would be a small raise on my husband’s end and large (up from nuthin’) raise on my end – taken together, I believe that J2 would net us more [J1 total income – (state and federal taxes + international insurance + educational stipend)] [J2+my position – (taxes + childcare)] in the immediate term, though that would depend upon the cost / extent of childcare arrangements.
* We’d have international insurance with J1. I’m not sure how that would work in that particular country, but even the market prices are so, so much less than in the US. (I almost had a rage/envy fit when I was told the cost of a friend’s elective MRI there.) With J2, we’re still…well, in the US with this healthcare system, but we’d have excellent insurance.
* J1 would probably end up being more IT professional track. This isn’t what he has his degree in, but he’s fallen into it and has excelled. As some of you might remember my mentioning, while he has no diagnosis and will likely never pursue one, he fits criteria for being classed as being on the autism spectrum (though very “high functioning” – I dislike that term, though…anyone who knows a better way to phrase that, please let me know). He has a mind for systems (virtual, physical, conceptual – doesn’t matter) and data that I just don’t and honestly can’t quite wrap my head around.
* J2 would be more IT management. This is something he can do – he’s devoted a not inconsiderable portion of his intellect to understanding people / managing personal interactions; when he’s described it to me, he’s pretty much set up an outrageously complicated set of personality and context based input/output matrices that usually serve him well (though there have been a couple of times in our marriage when I’ve kicked him under the table or come up, put my arm around him, and guided a conversation back to comfort after he’s breezed past someone’s social cues) – though it stresses/drains him much more than dealing with systems and data.
* I’m cool with going back to work, especially with the terms given (not as high paying as it could be, but flexible and with work arrangements that fit family life). Some might rag on me for this, but we’re trying to take a team-based approach to our employment. At least while our children are around, at least in the US with its crap family leave and childcare policies, one of us will pull back from doing all that we could do professionally. His skills, talents, and qualities are more valued on the market than are mine, so he’s the one whose career is currently given primacy. That being said, I do want to get a foot back in the job pool now that the kids are getting older for [a] to increase our lifetime earning potential [b] to pile some money into savings and home improvement (we have a soft plan to make this into a “generational house” – it’s in an excellent location for jobs but is also in one of the more expensive areas in the country; if family can live together and share resources, that’s more money and/or free time for everyone) [c] take some pressure off of him – he doesn’t say anything, but being a sole breadwinner’s rough.
* We’re both completely up in the air regarding each decision.
There’s a variant of manspreading that no one ever talks about but has been bothering me. Including right this minute. That is when put their arms or elbow up on the back of their seat so that their arm is spreading out into the air space of the person behind them. It’s not touching the person behind them, but hovering awfully close to their face. In all my years on the bus, I’ve only seen women do it a couple of times. It’s pretty much always men.
@ mockingbird
I’m considering this. There’s a lot to take in and digest so I don’t want to just jump in with an answer. But just so you don’t think I’m ignoring you if I don’t respond for a bit.
@ calmdown: thanks! Pinkie is great, even though i can relate to Twilight the most.
@ everybody else who wished me welcome, thanks as well 🙂
In epitomeland, things are going OK. I’m not working mornings during the summer (at least in May-June) so I’ve got less $, but more time.
My mother was in the hospital in late April/early May for depression (an acute sort, made worse by insomnia) but thankfully she’s back home now. Her sleeping meds were reduced and she’s still able to sleep, so that’s a good sign.
@GenJones – When I get anxious about people not responding to me, sometimes (for me) it helps to visualize what things might be like from their side. It’s true some people are negligent and uncaring, but many people are busy or just don’t know that you need someone to talk to. If you can, I’d let them know. I was upset than a friend of mine hadn’t emailed me for two weeks when I’d told him about my mom’s situation, but it’s true I hadn’t said explicitly “Can we talk about this?” or “It’d be nice to hear from you about this” or the like. (Of course, I know I can’t demand people’s time, but I can ask.)
@Paradoxical – Glad you reached the first goal! I forgot to say ages ago that I got your pink pixel person design on a shirt (white with red sleeves) plus some laptop stickers for my cousin, and I like them!
I also feel like “The Pansexual Agenda” should be on the cover of a notebook (like, an agenda) because I’m silly that way. 🙂 ETA: Oh, it’s already an agenda! Awesome! I thought it was only a sticker. Carry on. 🙂
@ mockingbird
Hi. I’m just trying to do some risk/reward thinking. Need a bit of info from you.
What would happen, in both cases, if within a month or a year of starting suddenly the job fell through for some reason and was no longer available? What would be the consequences and do you have a contingency plan for that?
Not trying to be pessimistic here; I’m sure all will be wonderful whatever you chose. But I’m often paid to be professionally paranoid so just like to consider all possible eventualities.
See if this works. These are the horses referred to above. Soooooo cute; love their feathered feet, they almost look like cartoons 🙂
http://i.imgur.com/aJfANcZ.jpg
Hmm, won’t embed, never mind. I can be the *one* boy who isn’t innately tech savvy 😉
Wow, hugs to everyone who might need some. People are going through some serious things, it seems. 🙁
I have only two things right now. First of all, follow Fingie on twitter if you haven’t already, @fingiesmirk
He’s very excited about this.
Second, possible TMI issue so read at your own risk. I’ve previously mentioned that I’ve started taking sertraline for depression. I wonder if any other commenters have had experience with the, um, sex-related side effects? It’s been extremely frustrating. Does it ever get better or is this the new normal?
@Ip
I took it! It got better with time for me, but I am a vagina haver and everyone is different…
I suggest you to try for a few months and try another med if it’s too much.
@Imaginary Petal
Yes and no. It doesn’t get back to “normal” while you’re still taking the treatment, but after a while (count a few months…) it may eventually get a bit better.
Come to think of it, is there any kind of antidepressant out there that DOESN’T have that kind of side effects ? Seems to me like it kinda defeats the purpose of antidepressants 😐
My psychiatrist (who’s a huge asshole) worked under the assumption that I had absolutely zero sex life, and prescribed me stuff according to that assumption. He actually asked me the question, and dismissed my answer. Well eventually his assumption became the truth because of the treatment.
@Chiomara
Yeah. I’m going to bring it up the next time I see my doctor.
@Sinkable John
My desire is way down (and it was already pretty low). It doesn’t make all sex impossible, but PIV is a no-go at the moment. Also (TMI again) reaching climax takes more time and energy than I’m willing to spare, i.e. it’s basically unattainable. Thank fuck I’m married and can talk openly with my Otter about this, because I think it’d be devastating (for most people) to have these problems while single and dating, or in a new relationship.
Anxiety is a big thing; there are more than a few of us here that are having trouble with it right now it looks like. Feelings of isolation and loneliness, ineffectiveness and fear of vulnerability or exposure. Anxiety is a real thing, but it’s also a chemical, too (or a set of chemicals anyways). I deal with a lot of anxiety problems which I won’t get into, too. I usually try to remind myself that those anxious states are self-reinforcing and often entirely unrelated to the thing I’m anxious about. It doesn’t make the anxiety go away, but if I’m well-rested and calm I can usually get above the trepidation and do the thing that needs doing, or can at least start to see that the anxiety was making my fears a lot worse than they should have been.
I know that’s not actually a lot of help – anxiety is a very personal demon – but I’ve found it a good perspective. It’s aroused by caffeine, by lack of sleep, by alcohol, by loud music, by violent or emotional video, by poor eating habits. Avoiding those things might help a bit.
As for the loneliness and isolation – I completely get that! Same happened to me when I moved from Fort McMurray back home, and found that pretty much all of my friends had moved on or moved away. Isolation’s tough on a person. I still fight with that a lot. I hope that you can fight back against it!
@IP
I haven’t been on that specific medication, but aside from cannabinoids any medication I’ve taken for anxiety/depression or birth control has had an effect on my sexual desire and/or performance. I haven’t noticed it ever improving while on the medication but what does improve over time is my ability to work around it to improve bedroom results. Depending on the drug there are different workarounds for me, like lots of mental stimulation before any physical activity, waiting longer before trying again, or adding lube. Alcohol always makes it worse for me (both the depression/anxiety and the sexual side effects), so I tend to avoid it.
@IP:
I had the same symptom, and it’s very annoying. Unfortunately I can’t give you any good-news stories from my own experience.
Imaginary Petal:
Yep (I’ve had it) and yep (it sure does have that side effect on some people, a subset which includes me). On the upside, it managed to stabilize me and I was able to verbalize “why this might not be the best medication for me” to my doc and I got back to fluoxetine. Which is now at such point that I have to discuss this again with my doc…
So I just had a crying episode triggered by the realization that this week’s beer bottle is neither deep nor strong enough.
I guess it sort of proves the point I was about to make about how it’s so important to make sure that you and your doctor are on the same page about your treatment to make sure it doesn’t make things worse.
How do we feel about shameless plugs about personal projects? My band released a new video fairly recently that I’m rather excited about, but wanted to check if that sort of thing is cool before sharing.
@dlouwe
I just plugged my cat’s twitter account, so I think you’re fine. :p
@kupo, EJ, Skiriki
That doesn’t sound very hopeful. :/
I guess I’ll give it another month or two and see what happens.