Open Thread for Personal Stuff: April 2016 Dogs Enjoying Couch Edition

@Skiriki @GenJones @Brony – thanks. I’m flailing in the wind here so your input is a huge help.

His triggers are… well, me, unfortunately. I’m hopeful that something like CBT will help him deal with the tick-tick-tick. I’m also terrified that the assessment counsellor will think I am cheating on him, though those are just my fears that maybe we won’t overcome this and I’ll lose the love of my life.

I have cheated on him in the past – we got together in our early 20’s (we’re 40 now) and were a mess of various issues (depression, substance abuse, etc) and shit happened. We separated for 2 years and got our respective shit together. Been really stable and happy for well over a decade now. But he suddenly felt like he was neglecting me (I did not feel this way) and it triggered this cascade of anxiety and then obsessive thoughts.

Hoping counselling will help him manage this. He’s suffering so much. I’m not really sure what to do other than be there, hold him when he needs it, and try not to get angry or feel defensive when he decides that (for example) I’m running a program to hide my internet history, or that me using the downstairs bathroom means I was sneaking off to text the guy I am (not) seeing.

Also regular use of things like alcohol can make OCD worse. I’m an occasional drinker because of that.

He’s found this to be very, very true. Interesting, because he struggled with (and overcame) substance abuse issues; though, he’s always used pot to control anxiety and recently quit using it entirely.

There are even benefits to having an OCD. One is essentially better at sensing these parts of consciousness and perception and when one gets control of them they are tools that are valuable for observation.

He’s the most observant person I’ve ever met, and records information that doesn’t even make it into my awareness. He’s always been hyper-aware – I often compared him to a horse, always scanning the environment, always with an ear cocked and an eye open. He would be a devastatingly good PI.

I thought that was healthy boundary setting, but maybe I’m being unreasonable.

I’d be a lot more comfortable if it were a two-way street. But she (with her words) always insists everything is fine and she doesn’t care, but then she stomps and screams and cries.

I feel like a monster.

“I will do that in half an hour” is the farthest possible thing from a monstrous statement. What’s unreasonable is expecting you to drop everything to tend to some minor email connectivity problem and throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old.

Next time your mom says something like, “Oh, it’s no big deal, I’m sure I can do without,” just take her at her word. Yes, I know the metamessage is different; ignore the metamessage and believe the face value of the words. From now on, “It’s no big deal” means “It’s no big deal,” full stop.

Let her throw her tantrums when her passive aggression stops working. If she starts in with “I guess I can’t do anything right!” she’s grown up from 5 to 14, but is still not behaving like an adult. Just let her be upset and don’t step in to soothe her. She’s a grown-ass adult, not a toddler with a boo-boo.

I’m assuming here that you aren’t financially dependent upon her. If you are, then you’re the best judge of how far you can push boundary-setting, and you should ignore me if you know what I’m saying is unworkable or will jeopardize you in some way.

@Tracy
Here’s what helps me:

1. I remove myself from the argument going on in my brain. Instead, I focus on my feelings. Do I really feel that ________ (fill in the blank).

2. Also, I remind myself that life is a series of risks. Let’s face it, no one is getting out of life alive! Lots of bad things could happen. I could get hit by a bus. It’s more productive to focus on the positive.

3. If something bad does happen, I trust myself to come up with a plan B. If I worried that my spouse might cheat on me, plan B would be to get a divorce. I’m not helpless.

4. Ultimately, if my spouse cheated on me, that would be his problem. I might as well trust him–unless he proves me wrong. And if he does prove me wrong, that’s on him. I’m not in charge of him.

Good luck to both of you!

PS: I’ll send another comment. This one is lyrics to a song.

Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind responses. It took me a couple days before I could bring myself to look at any responses but please understand I do truly appreciate them. I’ve been telling myself for years now I’ve been making a huge deal out of a minor event, that people have it much worse and I should just get over it. Thank you again for the compassionate responses. A lot of what I have read in the comments on this website over the year I’ve been following has lead me to rethink things. So thank you again.

One of the big challenges in life for me right now is our older son’s mental illness.

I’m handling it as well as I am for this one reason – I know that it’s not because of anything we did.

BUT the fact that he is doing as well as he is IS because of what we’re doing. And we will keep on doing everything we can, as long as we can. Because we’re his fathers, and that’s what we’re here for. We didn’t become parents because it was expected of us, or because it was the soft option – we did it because we wanted someone to have parents, and we were lucky enough to get to be his.

@Kat – thank you! #1 seems to help him most of the time.

@Robert, you all sound lucky, and like wonderful people. 🙂

So, when you want to draw, is it that you want to create art, that you want to get something out on paper, that you have an amazing vision, or some other reason? When you can’t make it work is it that you don’t know what to draw, don’t know where to start, try but it comes out wrong, or something else?

I have a similar issue; I want to write but have writer’s block. I’m trying to work through it but doing a poor job. I want to write because it’s something I’ve always enjoyed and I have always felt I could do it well. My problem right now is that I don’t have a good story in my head. I tend to make up stories as I’m drifting off to sleep and in the past when I’ve written it’s been those, but in the past few years I’ve realized how those stories are just full of the same dull tropes I’ve read a million times and I don’t feel it’s worth my time to put energy into them. I’m trying to push forward by a) examining my stories to find ways to improve and b) in the meantime writing about dreams I had or just a scene or character so that I can practice. But I feel no passion when I do this so it’s hard. I feel a lot less of everything lately, so I think a depressive episode is starting, but I’m trying to keep my mind and body healthy this time by exercising both.

I’m just rambling now. Basically, you’re not alone, but you should look deeper at the problem. You can’t fix a problem without knowing the cause.

@ kupo

The key to creating good stories is 10% writing, 90% editing. So just get down the first draft as quickly as you can. Don’t worry about quality there or trying to get it right. Then do it in iterations. Go over the draft once and make a few refinements. If you get stuck or there’s a plot hole or something, don’t worry. Just move on and do the easier changes. Keep doing that. Remember a work of art is never completed, only abandoned.

I can’t draw, but I did draw some awful art for someone I follow online not too long ago. It was mostly done as a joke, and apparently it worked in that regard. I’d put a link but I’m not sure if I should. Not raunchy or anything but I shouldn’t spam threads with links.

Also, anyone here know about Neil Gaiman? I gotta give an oral report and a paper about an author’s life, and I chose him. I don’t read much, but I hear he’s great, and he married Amanda Palmer, so that alone is worth writing about.

@ fricklefrackle

Neil seems to be pretty popular on this site so I’ll leave it to others to contribute. I’ll just chip in that he did his first professional writing for the comic “2000AD” with some unsolicited one off short story ideas.

@Alan
Maybe I’ve been approaching it wrong, then. Most of my writing experience is professional technical writing and essays, where it’s more like 60% pre-writing, 10% first draft, and 30% editing. I’ve been working on stuff like research (I want some realism even if it’s fantasy) and trying to come up with the broad story.

@FrickleFrackle

Also, I don’t know which thread to put this in, but I think about toxic masculinity a lot, and how a lot of it isn’t enjoying stuff, it’s just a big pissing contest.

I agree. The prize for being the most “masculine” (i.e., showing no emotion except anger, never making a mistake–or never making one that you’ll admit to, never relaxing, always “winning”) is to be miserable. And you don’t understand the reason for your misery, which is that you’re cut off from the rest of humanity.

Or maybe you do understand why you’re miserable but would still rather “win” than be happy.

Step right up, gentlemen, for your chance to win the Stupidest Prize Ever!

Pierogies! They’re wonderful. But I haven’t had any since I was a college student in Pennsylvania. My boyfriend and I used to enjoy Mrs. T’s pierogies when the term was over and we could cook. (Of course, making frozen pierogies wasn’t exactly a big deal—but it was to us.)